Happily Ever After – Chapter 8
July 29, 2010 3 Comments
December came around the month I was born in and a celebration was brewing. Our family has always been big on birthdays so my parents came into town to celebrate it with me. My sister was housing us all at the time, I left the guest bedroom for my parents to use as I spent the next few nights sleeping in the same room as my nephew. Me and MJ were already in a fight, a typical fight, something that I started to assume a normal and natural thing between couples before the wedding day. He would call me up to tell me that he loved me and within the same sentence put me down about something or another adding to it that even though I am unable to do this and that he still loves me. The day of my birthday he called to tell me that he wanted to give me money to buy my own gift, he will get me a box of chocolates. He was also asking me if there was a big need for him to be there for my birthday and that he was not sure if he should drive the whole way down for it or not. I didn’t like what I heard, I mean he used to buy me things just for the hell of it before and since he got to this forsaken part of the world he has become stingy with his outings just with me (I will come back to that statement in a bit). The phone seemed to slip out of my hand as I shut the phone after telling him I don’t want him to come. I was sitting with Yasmin playing backgammon in a coffee shop in Dubai not being able to continue the game. In regards to the fact that he would do this type of thing a lot in everything else we had to finish and do together, I knew that he would not come down, a constant disappointment as always to empty promises, not the man I thought I fell in love with. There were times I would have a plan to go out with friends and he would tell me he is coming down to Dubai, I would tell him to join us and he would say no. guilt would eat me up after he makes me believe that he only wants to spend time with me alone today cause he is so stressed from work, where I was the only person he wants to talk to. I would cancel my plans and wait for him to come so I can comfort him. He would not show up, he would call me at 11pm all groggy on the phone saying he slept and it’s too late to drive down. Finding me losing my mind on the phone he then tells me that he will drive down to prove to me that he really wants to be there with me, I refuse to allow him to drive down so late and tell him to go back to sleep. A few hours later I would find a call from him telling me what a great night he had with the boys, his buddies but what a shame it could not have been with me. A mind game, that was what I was going through every day, mind games that were fabricated just for me and I was falling for them so easily. But that day, my birthday day, MJ gave me the biggest surprise by showing up to my birthday bearing gifts for me, telling me that he was doing everything to push me from knowing what was really happening, a birthday surprise. That day made me forget and remove any inkiling doubts i ever had about MJ intentions, with one gesture he was able to make me forget everything bad taht was ever taking place. Again i was under his loving controle.
His stinginess was starting to overtake our lives and arguments. Our conversations had a lot of talk regarding the element of cash flow, the fact that everything is costing so much money so in return we would never go out for dinner in a restaurant, only to the food court in malls. I didn’t mind that at all although I was dying for a romantic dinner once in a while to feel romanced again not only by the words but also by the actions. In trying to deal with his tight budget I never mentioned the need to go out to a bar or restaurant knowing that it would cost him too much when we were still trying to pay off things for our wedding. As it so happens the day does come when another lie is revealed to me. MJ decides to go out for dinner with his boys around five guys to a restaurant, he tells me how much he doesn’t want to go cause he doesn’t want to spend our budget and that I am more worthy of this dinner. To me this was the sweetest thing I had heard and wished him a fun dinner with his buddies. Upon his return he called me to tell me about his evening out, I felt there was something wrong with his story he would start a sentence then hesitate and say something else. So i asked the first question that came to my mind “who paid for the dinner?” to that he told me that Samael paid for them all and what a good thing cause Samael knew the situation he was in. The weekend came and him and Samael came down together, as we were talking I find out through a funny story that they were sharing with me about their dinner event, the truth of who paid comes out. MJ paid for all the people at the dinner including all the alcohol they all drank all night. To my bigger disappointment that was not the first and only night that he had paid for the whole outings they went to. It was a devastation to me, how did this very giving man turn to only a giving man with everyone but me? Naturally we fought so much that day, me explaining to him how this is not working correctly, that he has to stop lying to me about these things. His promises were always empty promises, every time I would find out more truths that were given to me in a beautifully decorated lies. I stopped trusting things he would tell me or places he would go to. We still had our “ no more than 2 glasses of alcohol when we were out without one another rule” and there were two more of those rules that were developed at the same time which were “ no going to clubs or bars without one another and no having single people around of the opposite sex”. I was following all this in respect that he was doing the same for me as per the promise. So many of my outings were cancelled cause they were in a bar or there were single men around, so I would sit frustrated at home as my friends went out together, the only time I would is when my sister and husband went out to a bar. Little did I know that he was not doing any of his own rules, it was only me that was abiding by them. When he would go out, he would tell me it’s a restaurant, not knowing what the place was like, thinking that it really was only a restaurant. He would actually sit there and list me the people going, all guys never girls, always I am going out with the boys. So I never doubted him since there was no reason to doubt. My gut was always screaming that something else was going on, yet my mind kept telling me there was nothing else going on. He was great at deception, he would go into complex details of the night such as who was sitting next to who, what they were wearing, what they talked about, what girl tried to hit on what guy from anther table, the low music they played. I had no clue that anyone could be that good at fabricating a story and eliminating the truths always making me feel guilty for wanting to go out to a bar with my friends.
The thing is he was really good with the guilt tactic, knowing that it was my greatest weakness. If I mentioned that all my friends are going to so and so bar, he would never directly come out and tell me not to go, he was smart that way. MJ would simply tell me “well, if you find it ok to go then I am allowed to go, and you know that I have done everything not to go. My friends think I have lost my manhood cause I don’t go to these places. But baby girl if you want to go I will never stop you from going. Just keep in mind that means that I am allowed to party in whichever way I want.” I don’t know how that worked on me, but it did. There was already a fear inside that I didn’t know I had developed, that fear was “no man will ever be able to love me as much as MJ loves me cause I am so bad at everything I do.”
In all this, i was so unaware that all those little details of telling me that he could not afford taking me out to dinner then taking his friends out, were small manipulation methods to build huge insecurities in me. When he would tell me about giving me money as a gift for my birthday then telling me that he went down shopping for something to get for Samael cause he is a good friend, was another way of indicating to me my unworthiness of the effort he would put in for others. The times he would tell me he is coming down to see me and keep me hanging, while other times when he had to meet Samael he would call to tell me exactly how he hates ever being late to his friends cause he is a punctual person and cant disappoint. He would complement Ellen in everything that he would put me down in, then add at the end that i am the love of his life cause “the heart chooses what the heart chooses”. In every way possible i was not given something he used to give to me when we were in Montreal and offer it to one of his boys. He would make sure to always tell me, always for me to know one way or another, just so that i could see my unworthiness. The loving words and poems he would pour all over me would over power my sense to pay attention to all what was taking place. The guy was great at what he was doing, i had no idea what was happening to me, my friends and family were starting to worry about me. He criticized everything i did and then tells me he loves me still with all my faults. it was your typical very high love and very low love. Hours were filled with utmost love and other hours were filled with the most devastating lows.
His parents never called me on my birthday to wish me a happy birthday, so one day I decided to ask him why not. I was driving back home from work and we were on the phone as we always were when I was about to head home. He told me that he hadn’t told them because they didn’t know that I was three months older than him, making it a taboo for his family to accept it. I was enraged to know this, “why all the lies, what was wrong with three months age gap?” I cried out to him. I told him that I will not accept them not knowing this, that on the day of our official signing of the documents for our marriage certification they will find out and that is horribly wrong on so many levels especially that they had an issue regarding that.
That night he called to tell me that he told them and how devastated they were at knowing that. They were blaming him for not finding someone ten years younger to be able to bear him a tone of children. I could not believe my ears or what was about to come out of his mouth for the second time since I got to know him. “ They were wondering how is it possible for you to give birth to three kids when you were so old?. I told them that we could do surrogacy it was not an issue at all” I heard those words and a gush of memories came flooding back.
One day as we sat over dinner in Montreal, MJ decided to give me a rundown of his dream life and it included three children. At once he asked me how many I wanted and I told him between two and three depending on what God wanted for us. I continued to explain that these things are not in our hands to control, maybe I will only be able to give birth to one child, or maybe we get three and one dies. Maybe I could only get two, or I am unable to handle having more than two. This seemed to concern MJ a lot, so he tried to clarify it to me in a humorous way (we were still at the very beginning of our relationship and he didn’t want me to run for the kills) by saying that he is the third child of the third child and wants to continue the trend for all his upcoming generations to follow. I asked “what if the third kid turned out to be a girl?” he smiled and looked at me, breathed in and said “well, we try to get the third child to be a son”. To me this was not a topic to discuss any further, and he was smiling so I assumed he was pulling my leg. As I detoured from the topic he went back to it by saying, “if you are unable to give birth to the third child for any reason then we get a surrogate mother to do that for us. I believe in science and I am not a believer in God, so science can give us what we want.” He then held my hand with a loving look in his eyes and a bright smile on his face as though all what he was saying made the most sense in the world. I told him that I would never think of ever doing that, and the topic ended at that, never to be opened again until the day he proposed. A day after he proposed I started to panic, so I asked him a whole bunch of questions regarding our future lives and how we will live it in what form and value system. One of my concerns was the surrogate mother issue. He cleared it for me that day by comforting me and telling me that he promises never to ever open that topic with me again cause he loves me more than his “third son of the third son” theory.
As I sat in the car with the phone attached to my ear not believing that also his parents thought the whole surrogate mother thing was a normal family conversation, I calmly told him that it is all unacceptable. That if they have a problem with my age it was non of their business, the only person that mattered to me was him. I asked him “do you agree with them? He said “I didn’t at the beginning but now I am pondering their logic about it.” To that I asked “Are you convinced with the whole surrogate mother concept for the third child?” he said “ yes I do want the third child regardless if you can give him to me or I can get him from another woman.” I calmly told him that I do not accept this as a part of my life, or the value system I live by, so if he is still pondering the logic behind it that he should ponder it alone. He panicked wanting to fix it telling me that he does not agree that he was just pondering, those were his parents at the end of the day they knew best. Finally I told him that if he has not made up his mind by tomorrow morning on what his beliefe system was then to consider us over.