Listen to your Heart not other peoples fears
June 19, 2011 4 Comments
It has occurred to me that I have not written anything for more than a month now and I do apologize for my absence. I have moved countries and left behind a place that bought me nothing more than heart ach and pain. I have come to understand that life is not always what it seems to be and people are not what they represent themselves to be. It took a year of constant contemplation to take this step and leave behind a place that I no longer could co exist with or understand. To be true to myself I had to either, accept my previous life and live with all what it could offer me or make a drastic change in hopes of a better outcome and a more fruitful future. As I sat with myself on a daily basis I came to realize that the first option was an impossibility, I had gained a few great friends whom I enjoyed their incredible companionship, I had gotten accustomed to my daily routine, I grew attached to the beautiful sea view I woke up to every morning from my apartment, I cherished my alone time, I looked forward to spending time with my niece and nephew for an hour a day and I got attached to the comforts of a life filled with quality services. With all these positives in my life I was still unhappy, there was too much nothingness happening, there was no soul to the place I lived in, there was an emptiness that I had gotten acquainted with yet I could not get accustomed to. I decided to fill up my time there learning things that would benefit me when I move, I thought to myself “there must be a reason I am here and it is not to just socialize and learn how to sit with myself alone”.
I decided to take a refresher course in Reiki and rejuvenate my soul back into spiritualism – I thought that this would make me appreciate the place I was living in- that didn’t work. I then moved into studying NLP and as I started practicing on everyone I knew I realized slowly I was definitely living in the wrong place, yet still I was determined to make my life succeed in the country I was in. I read a tone of books on accepting your life for what it is and finding peace within yourself, but I couldn’t connect with that emotion for longer than a few days and then I was back into the same roller coaster ride I was in earlier. I decided to dedicate my whole days to work, yet a horrible management decision helped hire one of the slyest men into my work space, providing me with nothing more than anxieties and mental war games. The most important part is that my heart wanted me to leave more than anything yet my logic kept me there. The blessings I got from staying this long in a country I abhorred were many : I got certified as a Master Reiki healer, an NLP life coach, a raise and promotion in my job, opening up my own blog and writing in it and an amazing ability to spend time with myself.
As all these new learnings were mine to keep and work with, everything else around me started falling apart. All my materialistic glories were no more glorious. My beautiful apartment was sold to some other agency and there was a strange confusion within all the neighbors. I had a huge fall out with a close person making it impossible for me to go see the dearest people to my heart without having to also see him in the process. My job was getting out of control with mind manipulation and stresses that kept me busy watching my back instead of working, so I asked to be relocated. My friends got fully occupied with their children and husbands I hardly saw them, my single friends were busy simply partying and I was in no mood for that life style anymore. I received an electrical bill saying they are cutting off my services cause they were directed by me to cut it of, which I never did. My car’s expenses were getting ridicules and I needed to sell it, which turned out to be close to impossible to do.
I didn’t know where else I would go live, the whole world was open to me yet deep in my heart all I wanted to do was go back home, to my country , to my people and to my own private business that I left behind years ago. A revolution started in my home town and the possibilities of moving back seemed impossible, yet the desire increased more and more. All I felt was the need to be there, that it was the right time to go back home. The whole world fought me on it, they all thought I was mad in more ways than one. I kept getting other people into my head, making me procrastinate my move, change my decision and mistrust my judgment. The closet people to my heart came to stay with me for a few weeks from my home town due to the revolution and my heart was flourished again, I was living in my home town although I had still not moved back. Once they all left I booked my ticket and took a trip back home, although everyone worried about me and asked me not to, I didn’t care, I wanted to go, I needed to go and see it for myself.
As I got off the plane I realized how much everything in me wanted to be there. I was happy for the first time in a long time, my heart felt lighter and I was actually happy, content and serine. How can I explain this feeling? I have no idea other than my heart took over and my mind took a rest for the first time. I spend ten days assessing the country, going around seeing my friends, going to my private business and seeing my work partners. I then started to look for apartments, a push towards finding a way for my life to start again in my country, and that push actually ignited the ability to find the apartment that would allow me to leave my amazing apartment in Dubai.
As the days got closer to my return my logic started to kick in and everyone else’s voices started taking over. I panicked, I didn’t know what to do, I didn’t want to go back, I didn’t want my friends to talk me out of it or for my logic to kick in. So all I could do was actually sign the documents for the apartment I saw and start paying rent.
I went back to Dubai and the next day I handed over my resignation in full delight. Then I found a shipping company to move all my furniture into my new apartment in beautiful Cairo. I sold my car and went around like a mad woman paying off all my electrical bills, phone bills, A/C bills, internet bills and getting workers to paint the apartment to be able to hand it over back to the new land lord. My wonderful friends in Dubai took me in to stay at their home for a few days before my departure and I had the best time with them.
Finally I got on the plane with my three cats and left Dubai forever. I took the leap and followed my hearts desire, what the whole world thought as madness, I felt as the right thing to do for me. I silenced all their comments and just allowed myself to go with what I wanted the most, to be in a place I felt safe in.
People will talk all the time, they will enforce themselves on you and allow for nothing else to matter but what they think. Remember you’re the only one who knows what is best for you, you’re the only one who can really know what is in your heart and what you desire at the time, and you’re the only one who feels pain, anger, hurt and disappointments. I don’t know what this year has install for me, yet I am sure its for the best for me. Maybe in a year I will hate it, maybe in a month I will decide to leave but one thing I know for sure is that my heart is happier than it has been in the last four years and i am doing what i love best using Reiki and NLP to heal those i love as i work on my “Art Cafe” providing a sense of art and fun for all those around me. At the end of the day, all that really matters is what joy my heart gets and if i am following my true purpose in life or not.