There have been many occasions in my life where i had been oblivious to the fact that there was some guy really interested in me. I have only been taught through the movies and music that when a man is interested they pursue a female by constantly being around and pushy. As it so happens i have learnt on several shocking encounters that a man pursuing a female may come in many different shades and colours outside of the specific order in which my mind was convinced it should be presented in.
On some occasions the guy would say nothing, and this could go on for years, me assuming them just friends, some times talking to me, other times not putting in that much effort to talk, so the pattern never fell directly into the rhythm i was used to. Others would put in crazy effort for the first few days and then pull back drastically only to be fully aware of my presence if we were to bump into one anther at some party. Strangely there were others who ignored me completely and would make sure to avoid contact with me, and if there just so happened that i needed to ask that person a question they would retort back rudely and walk off, leaving me there feeling offended and hurt. And there are those who you see every few weeks, have a great chat, exchange numbers and occasionally hear from them.
What i came to learn later on in life, and through the voicing of those men’s feelings, that there is no specific pattern that a man follows if he likes you. Years or months later i find out in the most bizzarest of ways that one of the many strange incidents was because the guy liked me or still likes me and decided to confess to me his ailment in the most unexpected of ways. In always being the type of girl that ends up dating the great pursuers i have finally realized that the adamant pursuit is nothing more than a male ego that needs to feel empowered with the challenge of getting the girl, having nothing worthy to offer later on. As for the men who pace themselves and love you from a distance, watching you and making sure that they are not pushing you away, well, they are the ones to actually pay attention to and give a bit of your time to.
Again i am trying to find a pattern because i need to always know things before hand, i need to be able to calculate and follow a pattern to be able to make better understanding of my situation. Sadly, yet in a freeing way, there is no pattern or a certain way to know who likes you and who has no interest in you, as far as i am concerned the men i thought are not interested in me turned out to be interested but never pursued it the way i expected to be pursued.
I must admit though, the pursuit is thrilling and to be pursued is nothing more than foreplay to the inevitable acceptance of going out on that first date.
The same way that oil and water are an impossibility to mix, the same thing goes for a bad relationship. No matter how much time you try to keep mixing them together they will always separate from one another and the oil will tend to find a way to float on top of the water. It’s in the efforts put in trying to blend them into one another that resembles the same effort that people in a bad relationship spend precious time trying to compromise in what they believe in to blend in with their partner. Although it is known that the oil and water are bound to separate there are people out there who wont take that fact as an answer and will keep trying to stir the contents of the cup on a daily basis to prove that they can bring oil and water together.
This type of hope and persistence is usually fruitless. They tend to eat up so much of our time and eat away at our health and sanity yet for some strange reason we tend to continue trying regardless of the impossibility of the matter. In the time of stirring the two contents together there comes a few seconds where it seems that they are both about to blend and then slowly they separate from one another and the problem starts all over again. The water gets suffocated by the constant pressure laying on top of it, the oil not allowing air to filter down to get to the water. Again the mixing begins, a hope that they can find a middle ground where both water and oil can breath, and again the oil finds it’s way up as the water finds it’s way down.
If the only thing working between you and your partner is trying to mix oil and water then know that there is something bigger than that to look at and pay attention to…..oil and water don’t mix, so its time to give up the notion that you will be the first one to prove that theory wrong and move into working on milk and cocoa that will result in a delicious beverage called hot chocolate.
What is the purpose of our self worth if it is not to figure out where our worth is? How are we to be valued by others if we have no value for ourselves? Sadly enough the only way that we will ever learn what our worth is will always be through an experience that allows us to see it. Mine came in different packages for different aspects of my life and how I value and see myself today is completely different than how I saw myself before my experiences.
After MJ (blog story: Happily Ever After) my ex husband it took me some time to learn myself worth, I didn’t know what my boundaries were, I knew what they were for others but I was never put in a situation where I had to start my own boundary list. Not to say that I didn’t have boundaries before hand, but I have to admit they were frivolous in comparison to the ones I hold dear to my heart today. What happened through that very painful experience was that i come to the realization that I didn’t really have the “what is allowed” and “what is not allowed” lines high enough on my list. I had the basic list which contained the following:
-Respect of my time and of me
-Not to ogle women when sitting with me
-Not to use swear words in my presence
-To enjoy the things I enjoyed
-To be loved unconditionally by my man
-To have an abundance of romance
-To start from zero financially with a man be his supporting woman
-To travel the world with my man
-To have a loving relationship and family with my man
-Great communication between me and my man
Now that I look at what I just wrote, and how frivolous that list was I am not surprised that I allowed certain things to pass me by. I allowed unacceptable things to happen to me which I never thought were possible to happen to me, I mean, they happened to other people and I was the voice of reason for all those other people, but not the voice of reason for myself. In my head and in my heart I was on a different platform from everyone else and I was pleased that my list was so simple unlike the other women that were looking for money or power or even just sex in a future spouse. In my mind all I wanted was simple things, and therefore I allowed for so much to take place cause my boundary line was so low. Today my list constitutes of way more than just ten things. My list is full to the brim and there is nothing that I can accept below that line.
For example “Great communication between me and my man” has been modified to look more like this:
“To be able to talk about everything on my mind and his mind to one another with no fear of the other person feeling misunderstood. To discuss the good and the bad with an open mind and heart that each person wants to make this relationship work. To communicate our sexual preferences openly and freely with one another, with my preferences also taken into consideration not only his. For us to be able to pick up the phone at any random time to talk about something with no pre-calculation of the correct number of calls to be made. To enjoy one another’s company cause the conversations are fruitful. For him to be my best friend when I need to talk to someone he is the first one I turn to knowing I am trust in him really listening to me and providing me with what I need. Our conversation is based on respect of one another’s thoughts and ideologies. We are both concerned with one another’s personal growth and therefore that is enough proof of our love for one another.” This can go on and on, only in the communication department. I never put the line thick enough or high enough, I basically just thought that everyone communicates well together but great communication to me also included great fights. If we knew how to fight well scream and kick we were communicating…isn’t that what relationships came with? So when it would get into screaming fits or rude words I never walked off, I just stayed assuming that was part of the Great communication package. Sadly it is not, cause once the voice gets too loud, or the words get ugly when ur trying to voice an emotional pain to your partner and he is not listening or understanding your pain,that is the time to walk away from the relationship. That is when it is clear that there is a huge hole in the communication department and nothing will be able to change that no matter how many years you try to make your partner understand your pain. That very first argument, that very first voice of anger that comes creeping in at the very beginning of the relationship is a peak preview into your future with that person. Pay attention to how it is being handled, listen and watch and if you have a great boundary line already set up for yourself-respect and self-value, you will know that it is time to stand up, and walk away.
This goes for every department in a persons life, there are those who are willing to take other peoples ugly nature and there are those who refuse to have others treat them badly, be the person that refuses to be treated badly cause you love yourself too much and anyone in your life should love you the way you love yourself and nothing less than that.
Use the ugly relationships to your advantage, grow that list, help yourself be the person you want to be, give others the opportunity to treat you the way you deserve to be treated…..with nothing less than respect.
There are many conditions that have to take permanent residence when the word “Love” is to be used. To say the word “I love you” is the easiest thing to do when you’re dating someone or dreaming of a future life with that someone.
There are conditions to support the verbal confessions of Love that people tend to use at random. To look into some one’s eyes and say the words “I love you” is so easy to do, especially if your dating that someone or in hope of continuing a long term relationship with that someone. Love contains more power and ground than a four letter word. Love needs to have the ability to defend the one you proclaim to love, the possibility of honest confessions of true intentions, the pertaining of pleasure in providing gratification to the one you love. These are all different categories that fall under and within the words “I love you”.
I have many friends who swoon once their boyfriends or husbands tell them “…But I love you” or “….i am doing all this cause I love you”……or “ It’s cause I love you”, they erase all the actions that prove otherwise and talk themselves into believing void words that have nothing of prominence to support what they are hearing.
I have a friend who won’t stop dating a guy that never prioritizes her. He finds ways to constantly make her think that he loves her, yet he does things to avoid spending time with her. He uses the words “I love you” to keep her lingering on. He prefers spending his holidays away from her, in different countries, yet when confronted by her, he tells her “You could have just told me this upsets you….you know I love you”. Other times when she has time to spend with him on a trip, he somehow finds a way to leave two day earlier and when she confronts him with her pain he tells her “You know how much the gym means to me, I can’t skip it, I have to go back home to be in MY gym….but you know I love you”. There are even times where they may be hanging out in the same space but he leaves without telling her he is leaving, letting her be there on her own assuming he will join her after he is done with his workout. Yet again he reels her in with void words and examples of other loving times he had with her, always with the belief that “he loves her”. Yes, my friend is stuck in a world of lies and there is nothing to help her get out and no one that she will listen to, and all this cause she believes that he “Loves” her. What she doesn’t seem to understand is that love comes with a lot more things than just a four letter word. The word “Love” was not created to be used as a Band-Aid, every time a wound occurs you put the “Love” band-Aid on it and it goes away. In her situation she needs to watch what he does and close her ears to what he says to see the dark hole she is digging for herself clearly. She has lost all herself value in believing his words in hopes that they are the reality she lives in today. He has never confessed to her his true intentions in having her in his life, and she is willing to stick around for the day in which she may understand where all this love is heading to.
Another friend keeps getting promised to have a family vacation with her husband, and every time the opportunity arises that holiday trip seems to never fall into fruition. He loves her, he says but the one thing her heart has desired for the last six years of their marriage was to take a vacation with her husband alone and sadly he has found every way possible to never make it happen. He has no money to go on vacation, yet he has the money to spend on expensive watches and large sums of money on weekend outings. He has no time off work to take a vacation, yet he is able to find the time when a trip includes his friends. With all the excuses that he has given her, never to travel with her as a family alone, he has maintained the one sentence he is gifted at saying “I love you”. When she got the courage to break free and plan a trip with her girlfriends, knowing well that the time for her to travel with her husband alone will never come, he condemn her for taking a decision to travel alone as he continued to use “I love you and this is what you do?”. My girlfriends husband is unaware of the fact that his words are starting to mean nothing to her, there are no actions to support his confessions of undying love to her. He purchases gifts of his liking for his friends to see and yet what her heart desires the most is never given to her. Love is not only words, when you truly love someone you offer them what they want as it should provide a small internal pleasure in seeing the one you love fulfilled.
Another friend dated a man who never defended her when in the presence of others. He always took everyone else’s side and never hers. When his friends would start to make fun of her in front of him, he would conspire with them and make further remarks to entertain them on her behalf. When she would feel offended and refuse to see him again he would tell her “It was only joking around, you know how much I love you”. When his parents would complain about her dress code being too simple and not lavish enough he would go up to her in a rage making fun of her outfit and telling her she is not worthy of outings with him. She would whimper in crying fits as she would gasp and say “why would you say something so cruel to me” and he would naturally tell her “It’s cause I love you and want you to be the prettiest woman around”. At one point a dear friend of his sent him a hate message about my friend, telling him to watch out and she was not worthy of him, when in reality his friend had a previous feud with my friend therefore trying to make her life a living hell. When the boyfriend knew he went along with what his friend said and instead of defending his woman, he continued befriending that friend with such love and intimacy. When she finally found out a month later she rushed at him with anger and harsh words only to hear him tell her “I didn’t want to tell you cause I love you.” How little do people care about the word “Love”? In this situation my friend was not loved at all, for if it were love then he would have defended her with all his might. He would have stopped his friend from bad mouthing her and cut all relations with him. Love defends the ones they love cause there is no one else worthy to them more than the lover they have at the time. If you can’t defend the ones you love, then you have no love to offer other than the love of pleasing others in hopes to fit in.
Before confessing Love to your partner, make sure you know all the factors that come with that word. Make sure you are up to carrying the weight of love, and if you’re not, then keep it at “like” and give “Love” a break from the wrong that has been done to it. It has turned into a manipulation strategy and lost the glory of its “grander than life” formula.
Assess the actions, for at the end words hold no meaning if they have nothing to fall back on to prove their worthiness.
“Do you know? A human body can bear only up to 45 Del (unit) of pain. But at the time of giving birth, a woman feels up to 57 Del of Pain. This is similar to 20 bones getting fractured at a time!!!! God couldn’t be everywhere and therefore he made Mothers… THE MOST BEAUTIFUL PERSON ON THIS EARTH… OUR BEST CRITIC …” written by http://www.funzug.com/index.php/paintings/some-paintings-for-my-mom.html
How many times does a man walk into the house after a long days work, plops himself on the couch, grabs the remote control and starts flipping through the tv channels so that he can disconnect from his very hard day at work?
How many times does a woman stop caring for her children after working hours are done, plop herself on the couch, grabs the remote control and starts flipping through the TV channels so that she can disconnect from her very hard day at work?
A man’s work starts from 8:00am until 6:00pm (sometimes later depending on the job at hand).
A woman’s work starts from 6:30am until 10:00pm (most times later depending if her child is sick or an infant who needs to be fed constantly in the middle of the night)
A man has weekends where he can take a rest, sleep in if needed, go meet his friends, play a sport or just lounge around the house to give him enough energy to start the week of stressful work.
A woman has no weekends to call her own, she wakes up at the same hour to take care of the kids, she has more work on the weekend since the children will all be at home all day. She thinks of things to entertain them with, activities to occupy their time, she feeds them, cleans them, plays with them, and then tried to keep the husband entertained on his very special weekend.
The most devastating part in all this is the lack of appreciation that is given to women who decided with their partners to become parents. Their job is looked down upon as if it is not as worthy as a job taken outside of the home. She works from the minute she opens her eyes until she goes to sleep, most times there is no sleep to look forward to if her child is ill or teething or still feeding. Her days are filled with trying her new adapted psychology methods to bring up the best human she can. She spends her days running around providing for the entire household a comfortable, easy, clean environment while still trying to find time to take a shower, make a phone call, eat her lunch and even use the bathroom.
A man assumes that when his wife has a maid that her life is simple and easy, well I think women then should assume the same if their husbands have a secretary or a whole staff working under him.
I am a working woman, and I don’t have children but I do have friends and family members who have chosen there career path to be motherhood. I am at work from 8:30am and by 5:00pm I am exhausted and drained, but I know that I can go home, spend time silently in front of the tv with no one to take care of. I can go see my friends, watch a movie, take a long bath and go to the salon to pamper myself whenever I want to. If I have a business dinner to go to, then I get dressed, and look forward to a night filled with laughter and jokes to ease the work environment. I do get stressed at work a lot, I do have things that get on my nerves and people I want to kill, I have an abundance of deadlines to meet and a bunch of politics to deal with but at the end of the day I have my weekends and I have my weekday night times to do with as I wish. At the end of every month I get paid for all my efforts at work.
In the case of mothers, they don’t have any of the luxuries that I have or the man has. Their selfless attitudes make them happy knowing that their children are well and loved, they get no money for their efforts, they get no appraisals from their husbands for the great job they are doing, they only get tears from their children, irritation from their husbands and bad mouthing from their help. To top it off, a husband will still complain about her inability to go out at night when he wants to; he finds it irrational that she may be exhausted cause she has not slept for a week more than five hours. He gets a tantrum when he can’t find his shirts or socks blaming her for not caring for those things since she has nothing better to do cause she just sits at home all day while he works to provide them financially. He starts to look at other women when his wife is at her worst. After carrying his child for nine months then being unable to sleep for three months after that, she starts to look exhausted, her inability to dress the way she used to starts to turn him off, and he starts to nag her to provide him with a smile that she is unable to provide because of her exhaustion. Her breasts are sore, her body is huge, her private area hurts, her eyes have dark circles underneath them, her baby doesn’t sleep and her husband still expects to have her sexually.
For all the women who also work and take care of their children and husbands I give you the greatest appraisal for your superwoman like tendencies. Also to the women who have more than one children yet still maintain their jobs and their homes I praise your courage even more.
So to every man out there, take a good look at the woman you have chosen to marry and have chosen to start a family with, she is a miracle worker and you must know that if you were in her shoes you would have never been able to do what she does. Forget about the stresses of work for they are nothing in comparison to the stresses of making a good human being. Let go of the remote control and spend time helping around the house, the decision of making a family is not the woman’s to carry alone. Take over the children for a few days in the evenings, give your wife the time to shower the way she used to, go see her friends the way she used to, sit and read her book or watch a movie the way she used to. Give her a few hours on the weekend to look forward to by taking charge of the house and the children. Wake up at night to take care of a crying baby, or a sick child and give her those extra hours to sleep to be able to maintain an anger free day. Request things from the help instead of requesting from her to request it from the help, give her those few minutes to follow her own commands.
If all this is hard for you to do, then simply give her the time and space to do as she wishes with her time, give her the freedom to say no to the ongoing outings you want to go to. Tell her how much you appreciate her great efforts in taking care of your kids while you’re out at work. Show her gratitude for not quitting on you since her job is a thousand times more time and self consuming than yours is. Provide her with the money she would have earned if she were working for a company the way you are, but instead she has chosen to take care of the family you both decided to have. Provide her sexually the way she wants it to be not the way you are expecting it to be. Cuddle her when she needs it, give her space when she asks for it. Be present as a positive aspect in her life, not the negative aspect she dreads seeing every evening knowing that you will be coming back home with a whole list of demands as you sit with your feet up flipping through the TV channel.
To all you amazing women, I send you my grandest of applause for the amazing jobs you are doing and the decision in becoming a mother and a wife.
In my comfort in being single and the desire to stay that way, I must have ignited a fragrance within my energy field that sweeps itself under the nostrils of all mankind. I have become a yearning need for passersby, a challenge to the ones I have no interest in and an object to possess to those that belong to someone else.
What I find interesting is that when I needed a partner, lover, soul mate, husband, boyfriend or a confident I was presented with men that I had no interest in initially. In the desperate need to have someone share my daily escapades I would accept their approaches to fill in the gap I felt I had within myself. I was sure the gap was because I couldn’t find Mr. Right; never did I think that the gap was because I couldn’t find myself.
Now that I have no interest to share my time with anyone but myself, I find that men‘s attraction towards me has escalated to suffocating degrees, making me want to stick to my singlehood even more. It is a mystery why that happens, I have read a tone of books regarding finding your soul mate, I have read and researched high and low, at the end everything came down to the one same sentence “You will get it when you’re not looking for it, when you stop wanting it”. That never made sense to me, I had refused to believe in it with all my heart, what would I want with something that I stopped wanting?
Today, as I watch the difference in attitude of my surrounding environment, it somehow brings light to what everyone has been saying. Yet, I have lost all interest in venturing into the world of couple hood. My heart beats fast when I think that someone may enter my world, I don’t want it, I want nothing to do with it, I am a person who is content with the pleasure of finding herself outside of the confinements of a man.
To fight for my freedom to be single provokes an aroma towards the opposite sex, whispering to them “get that girl, start the hunt.” I refuse to be pursued cause of the energy of freedom I am emanating; I decline any approaches that come in that form. When I am ready to have my “perfect one” in my life that is when I will emanate the aura of openness to the confinements of a man and break free of giving up on the world wide concept of “I must lose interest in something I desire to be able to attain it.” I refuse to conform to the chase of me when I don’t want it, I will rejoice in knowing that I will have my freedom to choose who I want cause they want me, and not cause they want me cause they can’t have me.
I will be the desired fruit….he will be the desired fruit…..we will both attain and maintain.
Fear is one of the biggest illusionary ailments most people face today. It lets us stay in situations we don’t particularly like or simply have grown emotionally distant from. Fear and anxiety go hand in hand as the on line medical-dictionary defines it as such:
Fear: an emotion, generally considered negative and unpleasant, that is a reaction to a real or threatened danger; fright. Fear is distinguished from anxiety, which is a reaction to an unreal or imagined danger.
Since I possess this specific type of ailment; I have come to understand that fear has stopped me from ever taking the right decision towards what my heart desires to do. Once the fear starts whispering its evil ideas into my thoughts and processing future images of the possibilities of it happening, I start to lose the rhythm of my regular breathing, accelerating it until I am unable to function outside the thoughts and images of my upcoming miserable future. That is when it turns into an irrational anxiety attack and all decisions to follow through with what I know I should do disappear out the window. I settle slowly back into the familiar, stopping myself from moving outside what I know, conjuring up past experiences to support my submissive decision.
My fears/anxieties come from basically every direction in my life.
If I want to leave the job I am currently at, knowing deep inside that it is defiantly not working out for me anymore, I become optimistic. In optimism I start to visualize the career I really want to pursue; my heart feels lighter in knowing that I am making the right decision because I know there is something great for me out there. I am optimistic and have drawn up the perfect future for myself after leaving my job. Then the inevitable happens, the whispering starts to take place, the images start to flood my mind. I am jobless, I need the cash flow to travel, maybe I am not as good as I think I am, I will fail at my new job, I will be poor, I have bills to pay, I will have to leave the country and go back home to live in the confines of my parents control, etc….etc….etc…..Fear has struck, the fear of the unknown. All the optimism that I felt in my inner core flakes away as a new defined pessimism replaces it. Now I am confused about what I really want to do, I have no say anymore, I only have fear to talk to and if I try to encourage the optimism back, Fear finds a way to invite anxiety to conjure up more irrational future possibilities of doom.
I find the worst type of fear is the fear of loneliness. In that specific type of fear, we humans have acquired the ability to accept and stay in relationships with people that are not good for us, or not meant to be for us. This type of fear constitutes of all kinds of relationships, be it life partners, friends, relatives, colleagues, neighbors, you name it, we humans depend on it for fear of being alone.
I sat in my car today listening to one of the many audio stories I listen to on my drive to work every morning. There was a part of the story where this woman was told by her husband that she was not allowed to work cause he didn’t like it. She was stifled in the relationship and really had no say in most of the things that took place within her own life. So one day she decided to accept a job offer in a detective’s agency and she loved every minute of it. Once her husband found out he went nuts, he started to accuse her of cheating on him, not trusting her, not accepting that she wanted to have a life outside of him. She storms out of the room as she yells at him for the first time telling him that he must accept it because that is what she wants to do with her life and she is sick of him dictating to her what she can and cannot do. After she sits with herself for a few minutes in her room with the door locked her fears start to surface. The whispering starts to take place: what if her husband decides to leave her? She can’t ever be alone, she loves him and he promised her that he will be there forever for her. Images of him walking out on her start to take over her thoughts, Whispers of old age with no one in her life start to manifest into images. As all her fears creep up on her, she starts to question her decision to fight for what she truly wishes to do. She rushes out of her room, down the stairs and into the kitchen where her husband was standing in front of the fridge deciding what to eat. They look at one another and she apologizes to him for taking up a job. He walks towards her, she hugs him and things are back on track again. She meets up with her boss and her friend to tell them that she is quitting her job but is too embarrassed to say it is cause her husband won’t allow her to work. As they keep talking she feels a sense of loss inside her yet the fear of being alone is larger than her desire to face her fear.
I have not finished the story yet, but I am sure she will take some sort of stand by the end of the book (it is fiction after all, with happy endings)
Many times I lingered in my “known”, not willing to venture into the “unknown” for fear of being alone. Other times I contaminated the minds of my friends and family upon hearing their complaints, projecting my own fears into their world, helping their fears to manifest themselves with outsider affirmations.
Fear has no legs to walk on within our reality, it only know how to tread hard in our imaginations stopping us from doing what we most definitely know we should do.
I wish I may ,I wish I might, have these wishes with love and light………
As I sit in the abyss of my thoughts, I take another puff of my on going addiction, I dream of all the things I wish to have and the life I wish to live and I start to write my wish list…
I live in a house by the beach where the sea water curves itself against the rocks and pulls back and forth from the shore. The sky is always clear with a soft breeze that constantly carries the scent of the salty air towards me. The steady sound of a not so distant movement brings serenity to my inner being, as if I own the sounds of the waves in my backyard.
I live only minutes away from a cobbled street town where the coffee shops face one another and the small and tall buildings tower over them. As I walk towards it I always stop on the road to take a look at my breathtaking view that seems to always bring me a new internal pleasure. I stop to admire the nature that surrounds my area where the vibrant green grows on mountains which in turn engulf the flow of the ocean as it enters the city’s outskirts.
I wake up in the morning getting ready for my new day as I long to bask in the sunlight that penetrates through my window smelling the freshness of the salty air caress itself against my skin. It is my daily reminder of gratitude and thankfulness for the life I have finally bought into my life.
When I need to watch people from the comforts of my home, all I need to do is walk outside as I stand on my small terrace waving hello to all those I know and providing a smile to those I don’t.
When I need to absorb the power of nature, I take a walk towards a close by area as i sit on one of nature’s formed rocks, look up at the sky and know that I am one with nature as my feet absorb the energy emanating from its ever so powerful force. I hear the sound of the flow of a river and smell the freshness of green.
At other times when I need to leave the world behind for a few hours, I take my car and drive towards my secret place, a place of water, green, flowers and rocks. I sit there to contemplate, to write, to paint and sometimes to get resolved.
There is a port close by where the boats take off and the fishermen head to work, I sometimes go out to fish to generate the possibilities of internal peace. I sometimes just go there after the boats have sailed off and dangle my legs off the wooden platform wanting my feet to touch the cool water as I watch the colorless fish swim between the cracks of the wood floor panels I am seated on.
Every day I spend an hour or more sitting in a coffee shop on the streets of the city I live in, harmoniously indulged in a conversation with my loved one as we watch the array of strangers passing us by. We discuss the insights we encountered during the times we were apart, we contemplate the things we want to add to our lives, we count our blessings for the life we have.
When it rains me and my loved one remove our selves off the couch hurriedly moving to go walk in the rain entangled in a warm embrace as we smile to the sky in thanks for the crystal like drops that touch our skin.
On certain nights where the city sleeps and nature takes a bow I slow dance to a gentle melody engulfed in the scent of the one I love. In utter silence we gently touch, we tenderly reminisce on all the times we have had together, we appreciate one another’s love as we both wrap our arms around one another in agreement.
The restaurant in the little city is a weekly ritual where me and my loved one go there to relish in its exquisite foods. We sit there whispering sweet nothingness to one another as there is no one there to judge or care for there are others around that entertain the same kind of serenity, security and love that we share.
I walk down a long narrow path that leads me to the gushing sounds of the waterfalls. I want to be one with nature and one with the water. I want to have the power of the falls, i want to be the falls
The shores of the beach touch the tips of my backyard. I walk down the large expanse of the beach in a loving embrace with the one I love as we move from talk to silence and talk again.
Several days a week I am surrounded by those I love, my beloved family and friends come to have breakfast in my garden where we laugh and talk as the outstanding view of vineyards and continuous landscapes of green take our breath away with every mouthful.
My soul is free to express itself within the confines of my body, to allow my spirit to show itself on the shores of nature. I dance with the power of passion taking over me without a care in the world and no one to judge me but the nature that surrounds me.
I meet my girlfriends for coffee and gossip about our lives and the lives of our loved ones. We need the girl time, we need the bonding time, we cherish our times together for they are rare to occur with the on going schedules of both our lives. We change from one coffee shop to another every time we meet to allow for new change.
My little library possess all the books to entertain the young and old. I take a peek inside my library to see the man I love reading to my child without a care about the world outside for he is creating a little world of his own for his child through the wonders of the words of a book.
I wish to be sitting on this couch, with that view as I write my wish list
Three years ago, when life was still a blossom of hope and love, I had a set belief that women were strong enough to walk out on any man if they were not treated with utmost respect and compassion. Friends who would complain to me about their boyfriends were given a long lasting lecture about the rights of women and how we are mistreated in the world we live in today. It was always easy for me to walk out of a relationship if I felt discomfort or mistreatment in any form. Yes, I had a little bit of patience, therefore having the ability to forego my initial assessment of the guy and try different ways to believe that he was “The One”. This endeavor would last no more than 3 months.
Usually after the first three weeks I would had already known that the person I am seeing at the time is not right for me, but ,as you already know, I hardly ever followed my gut feelings and always resorted to my mental assessment of maybes. As this is the way I work around things, I then spend a good two months or less trying my utmost best to convince myself that I am with the right person, catching glimpses of things I liked in them and trying my best to discard of all the things I disliked about him. My friends would reprimand me telling me “You just stay with them even though you know that they are not the ones for you. Why do you do that?” as I try to explain my well calculated logic to them, which always includes self blame, they continue to believe that I have an amazing tolerance for something I know that I don’t want. What they never knew was that I have an ailment which I like to call “Guilt” (read post: My ruling planet is guilt) and something else that I never knew I had was; lack of self confidence in following my inner knowing. I prolong the breakup until I reach my limits and always tend to walk out with an explosion of words that I was unable to say at the time it was most needed. The one thing that they never really paid close attention to was the fact that I was out of there within the span of three months, making it obvious to all that my patience level is pretty short, but my official walk out on the relationship takes pretty long.
In saying all that and explaining my lack of acceptance of a female being destroyed by her male partner, I came across a song that empowered me when I needed reinforcement and external support for my inner knowing. I used to blast this song, like every song I get obsessed with, in the car, at home, in my ears through the iPod. This song would surround me, and I would offer it to the man to listen to a week before I was at the brink of walk out on him.
As I sat in my crisp clean apartment, watching the snow trickle past my window I pick up the phone after the second ring. It was one of my best friends that lived in the states and our phone calls were a constant remedy of comfort to the both of us. She complained about the man she was dating at the time, she was horrified at her lack of taking a stand for her natural human rights. The phone call lasted two hours filled with all the right emotions leading to a breakup. First came the complaints as the stories splurged out of her then confusion took over with a variety of questions, as reality starts to slowly seeps its way into the conversation the hurdles of tears take over. Once the tears end and the sniffling begins a harsh aggressiveness grabs hold of her voice as she swears at him and confirms that she is gonna give it one more try with the new methods we just discussed over the phone. Towards the end of the conversation the melt down begins and an assertion that she must leave him becomes her new reality. Right before we shut the phone I ask her to listen to a song that will empower her in maintaining her new resolution and keep her on track of what she is worth.
A few months later she had left her man and I had started dating MJ (read Post: Happily Ever After). MJ lived in New Jersey and I was living in Montreal at the time, so our relationship during the week was based on an abundance of phone calls that usually lasted no less than six hours in the span of a day. At the very early stages of our romantic venture we discussed our personal relationship hardships. Since our phone calls always lasted so long a week into our long distance relationship MJ discussed the hardship one of his girl colleagues was having with her boyfriend at the time. He told me about how mistreated she was, that she was being used for sex and nothing else, how he tried to talk sense into her for months but it was useless she was madly in love with him although it was obvious to all that he didn’t love her. He told me how she would cry at work explaining her boyfriends misconduct with her, she told him how she would cry to him and he would always say “I am sorry” and yet nothing would come out of it. We discussed her at random for a good few days after that. I felt so sorry for her, but I also lost respect for her, I lost respect for a woman I never met before having no understanding to the fact that she was being abused. I wanted her to get out of that horrible relationship, I wanted her to walk out on him and find someone who deserved her. During the last conversation we ever had of her, I told MJ to let her hear a song that will allow her to remember her importance. To stop listening to void promises, to just walk out, to not want to hear his pleading cries of a new change in attitude when it was obvious that it will never happen. I was told by MJ that he told her about the song, but as I have yet to see any honesty being a part of MJ’s reality, I doubt that he ever gave her the song to listen to.
Another R Young painting
Sadly enough the day came when I needed that song more than anything in the world. I heard it every time I would get a glimpse of how unfortunate my future might look if I stay with MJ. With horror I was starting to understand where all those girls were coming from. The confusion in trying to find the reality of my situation as opposed to the illusion I have been hypnotized to believe in were making me unable to take an assertive decision. Unlike any of my other relationships, I was still confused three months into the relationship. It felt like I was under a drug of some sort, a delusional drug. Or maybe it felt like someone was purposefully putting rat poison in my food in small dosages to kill all my internal functions numbing me of any ability to retaliate and figure out what was really happening. The days where the rat poison was forgotten and not administered into my food intake; I would blast this song, and scream at the top of my lunges at the injustice that was taking place in my life. Other times I would play it for MJ, screaming out the words to him, unknowingly waking him up to the fact that he had forgotten to administer his daily dosage of rat poison therefore giving me double the dosage to make me drift back into the numbness I had gotten so used to living with. This song had worked for most of the women once they heard it, what I couldn’t understand was why the song was not working for me! Today I am able to admit that the mental and emotional abuse I withstood was way above the average abuse most women had lived through, at the time all I felt was remorse for all the times I judged those women for being weak. I still feel remorse towards them but extremely happy that at the time when I was fully in control of my heart and my mind I was able to help them walk out on something that could have destroyed them forever.
I had never tasted the soul tearing anguish of heartbreaking tears before; I was one to pride myself on the strength I possessed at leaving behind a relationship with no regrets. With MJ everything changed and the little hope I had in myself vanished with all my confidence and philosophies on life. I had a few other songs that I had used as my mantra that also withered with time and I lost the ability to hear them making me remorse my old self because I was too ashamed to hear them with the same conviction I used to hear them before.
A year later, when the rat poison started to show itself in all the foods I was fed and MJ was becoming reckless with his long term plan for me, i started to listen to that song again. I had an array of songs that I started to listen to again, and I tried my utmost best to regain the memory of who I used to be before MJ. The entirety of the song were words I wished to say to him, I wished to say them with the same indifference in my voice, I wished to spew them out of my gut and lavish him in them. I was able to relate to every single word and I wanted nothing more in my life than to gain the full ability to walk out on MJ with none of my guilt issues that he had fed lovingly throughout the year.
This is the song that I dedicate to any woman who feels that she is being treated unfairly by her man. This is a song that should bring a beam of light at the end of the tunnel, it should make every woman aware that we all have had a bad man in our lives and a lot of women were as strong as the words of this song to simply walk out. You should know that you are as strong as all those powerful women and have the full ability to walk out to on anything that could be causing you a molecule of pain to your dignity, mind and heart.
Je suis désolée Lo siento Ik ben droevig Sono spiacente Perdóname
I’ve heard it all before I’ve heard it all before I’ve heard it all before I’ve heard it all before [repeat]
I don’t wanna hear, I don’t wanna know Please don’t say you’re sorry I’ve heard it all before And I can take care of myself I don’t wanna hear, I don’t wanna know Please don’t say ‘Forgive me’ I’ve seen it all before And I can’t take it anymore
You’re not half the man you think you are Save your words because you’ve gone too far I’ve listened to your lies and all your stories (Listened to your stories) You’re not half the man you’d like to be
I don’t wanna hear, I don’t wanna know Please don’t say you’re sorry I’ve heard it all before And I can take care of myself I don’t wanna hear, I don’t wanna know Please don’t say ‘Forgive me’ I’ve seen it all before And I can’t take it anymore
Don’t explain yourself ’cause talk is cheap There’s more important things than hearing you speak You stayed because I made it so convenient (made it so convenient) Don’t explain yourself, you’ll never see
Gomen nasais [Japanese. English translation: "I am sorry"] Mujhe maaf kardo [Hindi. English translation: "Please forgive me"] Przepraszam [Polish. English translation: "I'm sorry"] Sli’kha [Hebrew. English translation: "Forgive me"] Forgive me…
(Sorry, sorry, sorry) I’ve heard it all before I’ve heard it all before I’ve heard it all before [repeat]
I don’t wanna hear, I don’t wanna know Please don’t say you’re sorry I’ve heard it all before And I can take care of myself I don’t wanna hear, I don’t wanna know Please don’t say ‘forgive me’ I’ve seen it all before And I can’t take it anymore
I don’t wanna hear, I don’t wanna know Please don’t say you’re sorry (Don’t explain yourself cause talk is cheap) I’ve heard it all before, And I can take care of myself (There’s more important things than hearing you speak) I don’t wanna hear, I don’t wanna know Please don’t say ‘forgive me’
I’ve heard it all before I’ve heard it all before I’ve heard it all before I’ve heard it all before
Is it part of our DNA or is it our upbringing that makes us stay with the wrong man, as we keep giving him a million excuses for bad behavior? How desperate are we to have a man in our lives regardless of who they are or how they treat us? Well let me answer that question for you…..pretty desperate.
We date a man that doesn’t give us the amount of attention we require, which in turn make us become the nagging women we are chastised for being. The attention could be minimal or extreme; either way it is the attention that each person needs to have to feel loved. For one person it could be as simple as asking how your day was. For another it could be as intense as staying on the phone all day long until the couple meet up. Whatever the intensity of the attention that one person may be asking for is that person’s right to have. Why settle for someone that can’t offer you what you know you need most of all? Interestingly enough it is always the woman that thinks there is something wrong with her and that she needs to change what she wants. If the guy wants his girl to ask about him every minute of the day, then she has to change her degree of what she finds “enough” attention. And if the guy wants more free space and time for himself away from the girl then again the girl is required to talk herself into accepting those terms and conditions to be with the man. I have lots of friends that have numbed their emotions regarding that specific emotion, easily put it to sleep and accepted that they can never get the attention that they want, allowing themselves to accept their basic reality that they chose for themselves. Those friends have gotten numb about many other things in life too cause they have numbed their emotions towards everything else that could require a similar emotional outburst.
We date a man that will only spend his money on us when he finds it appropriate for himself to do so. We go out for dinner not knowing who will get the bill and we play the bill dance in hopes that he will know how to dance well. We give excuses to the man when he doesn’t do the dance, fooling ourselves into believing that this is a fault that could be remedied later on cause there are other wonderful things about that person making it worth it to disregard the fact that he could be a stingy person. Yes there is such a thing as equality between the sexes but it is a fact of life for a man to show his ability to care for a woman through his capability of not allowing his woman to pay. In all cultures of the world, when has it been acceptable for the man to blatantly take money from his woman? I have friends whom are dating men who have no concept of the dance, these women have convinced themselves that once they are married to these men they will be well taken care of when needed. In reality what happens is that the woman has completely overlooked the fact that he was showing her his stinginess and in ability to care for her in the future. I am not talking about couples who are having financial problems, saying that the woman should not provide the money, I am talking about normal circumstances within a relationship between a man and a woman. The woman should offer every once in a while to pay as an appreciated gesture towards the man, but it should not be the expected way of life. I know women who are married to those types of men today and they re-tell this story with shame at their throwing a blind eye to the matter when they were still able to make another choice in their life. These women are exhausted, working all day long, with children to care for, a house to maintain a husband to please and an abundance of money that they are unable to use cause their men will not spend on his family or on her. So a woman will ignore this aspect just to have a man in her life, another detrimental thing that us women do for the sake of companionship with no regard to the reality of what she has so obviously known.
We accept a man sitting there with us drooling over a large breasted woman just cause he has many other wonderful things about him. He makes you feel unattractive in those instances of his wondering drooling eyes and you accept it as “all men look”. Again another brainwashing method to prevent a woman from leaving a man that obviously will cheat on her in the future if she is not up to pare and does not excite him as much as she used to at the beginning of the relationship. A woman will accept him thirsting for another woman telling herself that he chose to be with her making herself believe he only has eyes for her. A man who can’t control himself is simply a man that will never be able to control himself. The desperation to be with a man and get married and accept upon ourselves things that are clear from the very beginning is causing a lot of damage to a lot of women. Our constant Internal tells us that it is ok to be disrespected cause there is trust, he is so open and honest with her that he is drooling over other women in front of her, therefore he will never do anything behind her back since he does it so blatantly in front of her. The funny part is the irony in it all, he is showing you his untrustworthiness and we are interpreting it as trust. I have friends who have lost interest in caring for themselves after they got married, for everything they tried to do to grab the attention of their husband has not stopped them from drooling. It kills the female aspect of looking sexy for your man, and it is vital to feel that your sexy to your man especially if you have just popped out a 4kg baby and feeling ugly and exhausted. If he is dedicated to you before, he will always be dedicated to you in whatever form you turn into in times of ugliness. Then the day comes and he cheats on you, and the reason will be simple “I didn’t take care of myself for a while, and he loves pretty women, I lost my looks and stamina” and low and behold it turns into self blame again and all the woman’s fault for his inability to control himself, which she knew all along.
Part 2 – Other things that we accept upon ourselves
There have been many occasions in my life where i had been oblivious to the fact that there was some guy really interested in me. I have only been taught through the movies and music that when a man is interested they pursue a female by constantly being around and pushy. As it so happens i have learnt on several shocking encounters that a man pursuing a female may come in many different shades and colours outside of the specific order in which my mind was convinced it should be presented in.
