The release of MJ and Tracy

The path of forgiveness is hard to come across once a person has been severely wronged by another. The heart finds an inability to move forward congesting it’s arteries with hate and anger that make it hard to ever move on. The pain of the injustice is harbored by images that seem to find their way into the mind reminding the heart of the pain it had gone through.

I am a certified Reiki healer, and I have been for more than eight years now. In constantly trying to find ways to help those around me with gifts I never knew I had I acquired a few certificates in different aspects of life one of them being Reiki. I spent random days and nights helping those around me overcome a pain using the energy that flowed easily out of my hands and feeling euphoric after seeing the changes manifest themselves into their lives. Upon my break down that took place during my destructive marriage and my manipulative roommate I lost myself and the ability to help anyone especially myself. In the years the followed I slowly started to recover from the shock, I stopped the self blame once I came to terms that it was not my fault and there was nothing more I could have done to make things better. MJ (my ex husband) and Tracy (my ex roommate) were who they were regardless of who I was, it was in their nature to be the people they were and there was nothing that would have ever changed that.

As I started to pick up the pieces of my old self back and improving on them I realized I also carried around such anger and hate towards them making my recovery much harder and longer than expected. I wanted to be done with the anger, I wanted to forget and forgive, but it was impossible to do. How can you forgive two people who pushed you to the brink of suicide only for their own pleasure? How is it possible to let go of the humiliation that i suffered through the cruelty that spewed out of the man I chose to marry? Or the cruelty that destroyed the little, if any, self love I tried to hold on to for dear life as a roommate did her best to demolish even further?  As I kept trying to work on myself i realized I was unable to really move ahead and follow my dreams because the images kept recreating themselves in my mind blocking up my heart from even contemplating forgiveness.

I started myself improvement ventures through taking courses in NLP, I figured if I can go back to my ultimate goal; which was the desire to help others; I would be on the right track, back in shape, following my one true mission in life. Life did start to blossom, my self confidence came screaming back with ecstasy. I felt free, able to see who I was and the improvements I had achieved were grand. I put to sleep the anger, hate, sadness and depression over the death of my old self and relished in fabricating my new and improved self, little did I know that I still harbored such abhorrence towards MJ and Tracy.

It came to me as I lay down on my back in the dim light of a large studio with my eyes closed listening to the voice of my reiki instructor. After wanting to continue my mission I needed to re-adjust my reiki knowledge I wanted to be able to provide light and energy to those in need and I was still not sure if I can go back to being that person again, so I decided to re-take the reiki course and get initiated again to be a healer.  As I was lying there with the soft distant music playing its strings harmoniously the Reiki instructor gently talked us through a meditation to allow our hearts to be filled with nothing but love. She slowly directed us to release all anger from the heart, to forgive those who had done us wrong, to forget all the pain, to remove them from our hearts and allow space for new things to happen, better things and most importantly for new people who would be happy to receive our love.

Remove them from your heart chakra, remove them from your head chakra, remove the anguish from your stomach chakra, release all the pain, make space for a better life.

I did that, and in that I found a new resolved peace within myself, the heat in my hands resurfaced and the power to heal re-entered my soul. I had allowed my hate to go, I released them of my anger, I forgave them for all they had done but not before I prayed that God will give them no mercy when they needed it most as they showed me no mercy when I needed it most and pain as severe as they gave me and to do with them as He sees fit. And with that one last wish, that one last breath, that one last memory I released MJ and Tracy into God’s hands and gave space in my heart to accept a new beginning, a new life and a new cleaned space for my true path to take its residence in me.

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Stick to “Like”

There are many conditions that have to take permanent residence when the word “Love” is to be used. To say the word “I love you” is the easiest thing to do when you’re dating someone or dreaming of a future life with that someone.

There are conditions to support the verbal confessions of Love that people tend to use at random. To look into some one’s eyes and say the words “I love you” is so easy  to do, especially if your dating that someone or in hope of continuing a long term relationship with that someone. Love contains more power and ground than a four letter word. Love needs to have the ability to defend the one you proclaim to love, the possibility of honest confessions of true intentions, the pertaining of pleasure in providing gratification to the one you love. These are all different categories that fall under and within the words “I love you”.

I have many friends who swoon once their boyfriends or husbands tell them “…But I love you” or “….i am doing all this cause I love you”……or “ It’s cause I love you”, they erase all the actions that prove otherwise and talk themselves into believing void words that have nothing of prominence to support what they are hearing.

I have a friend who won’t stop dating a guy that never prioritizes her.  He finds ways to constantly make her think that he loves her, yet he does things to avoid spending time with her. He uses the words “I love you” to keep her lingering on. He prefers spending his holidays away from her, in different countries, yet when confronted by her, he tells her “You could have just told me this upsets you….you know I love you”. Other times when she has time to spend with him on a trip, he somehow finds a way to leave two day earlier and when she confronts him with her pain he tells her “You know how much the gym means to me, I can’t skip it, I have to go back home to be in MY gym….but you know I love you”. There are even times where they may be hanging out in the same space but he leaves without telling her he is leaving, letting her be there on her own assuming he will join her after he is done with his workout. Yet again he reels her in with void words and examples of other loving times he had with her, always with the belief that “he loves her”. Yes, my friend is stuck in a world of lies and there is nothing to help her get out and no one that she will listen to, and all this cause she believes that he “Loves” her. What she doesn’t seem to understand is that love comes with a lot more things than just a four letter word. The word “Love” was not created to be used as a Band-Aid, every time a wound occurs you put the “Love” band-Aid on it and it goes away. In her situation she needs to watch what he does and close her ears to what he says to see the dark hole she is digging for herself clearly. She has lost all herself value in believing his words in hopes that they are the reality she lives in today. He has never confessed to her his true intentions in having her in his life, and she is willing to stick around for the day in which she may understand where all this love is heading to.

Another friend keeps getting promised to have a family vacation with her husband, and every time the opportunity arises that holiday trip seems to never fall into fruition. He loves her, he says but the one thing her heart has desired for the last six years of their marriage was to take a vacation with her husband alone and sadly he has found every way possible to never make it happen. He has no money to go on vacation, yet he has the money to spend on expensive watches and large sums of money on weekend outings. He has no time off work to take a vacation, yet he is able to find the time when a trip includes his friends. With all the excuses that he has given her, never to travel with her as a family alone, he has maintained the one sentence he is gifted at saying “I love you”. When she got the courage to break free and plan a trip with her girlfriends, knowing well that the time for her to travel with her husband alone will never come, he condemn her for taking a decision to travel alone as he continued to use “I love you and this is what you do?”. My girlfriends husband is unaware of the fact that his words are starting to mean nothing to her, there are no actions to support his confessions of undying love to her. He purchases gifts of his liking for his friends to see and yet what her heart desires the most is never given to her. Love is not only words, when you truly love someone you offer them what they want as it should provide a small internal pleasure in seeing the one you love fulfilled.

Another friend dated a man who never defended her when in the presence of others. He always took everyone else’s side and never hers. When his friends would start to make fun of her in front of him, he would conspire with them and make further remarks to entertain them on her behalf. When she would feel offended and refuse to see him again he would tell her “It was only joking around, you know how much I love you”. When his parents would complain about her dress code being too simple and not lavish enough he would go up to her in a rage making fun of her outfit and telling her she is not worthy of outings with him. She would whimper in crying fits as she would gasp and say “why would you say something so cruel to me” and he would naturally tell her “It’s cause I love you and want you to be the prettiest woman around”. At one point a dear friend of his sent him a hate message about my friend, telling him to watch out and she was not worthy of him, when in reality his friend had a previous feud with my friend therefore trying to make her life a living hell. When the boyfriend knew he went along with what his friend said and instead of defending his woman, he continued befriending that friend with such love and intimacy. When she finally found out a month later she rushed at him with anger and harsh words only to hear him tell her “I didn’t want to tell you cause I love you.” How little do people care about the word “Love”? In this situation my friend was not loved at all, for if it were love then he would have defended her with all his might. He would have stopped his friend from bad mouthing her and cut all relations with him. Love defends the ones they love cause there is no one else worthy to them more than the lover they have at the time. If you can’t defend the ones you love, then you have no love to offer other than the love of pleasing others in hopes to fit in.

Before confessing Love to your partner, make sure you know all the factors that come with that word. Make sure you are up to carrying the weight of love, and if you’re not, then keep it at “like” and give “Love” a break from the wrong that has been done to it. It has turned into a manipulation strategy and lost the glory of its “grander than life” formula.

Assess the actions, for at the end words hold no meaning if they have nothing to fall back on to prove their worthiness.

The Ultimate Appreciation needed

“Do you know? A human body can bear only up to 45 Del (unit) of pain. But at the time of giving birth, a woman feels up to 57 Del of Pain. This is similar to 20 bones getting fractured at a time!!!! God couldn’t be everywhere and therefore he made Mothers… THE MOST BEAUTIFUL PERSON ON THIS EARTH… OUR BEST CRITIC …” written by http://www.funzug.com/index.php/paintings/some-paintings-for-my-mom.html

How many times does a man walk into the house after a long days work, plops himself on the couch, grabs the remote control and starts flipping through the tv channels so that he can disconnect from his very hard day at work?

How many times does a woman stop caring for her children after working hours are done, plop herself on the couch, grabs the remote control and starts flipping through the TV channels so that she can disconnect from her very hard day at work?

A man’s work starts from 8:00am until 6:00pm (sometimes later depending on the job at hand).

A woman’s work starts from 6:30am until 10:00pm (most times later depending if her child is sick or an infant who needs to be fed constantly in the middle of the night)

A man has weekends where he can take a rest, sleep in if needed, go meet his friends, play a sport or just lounge around the house to give him enough energy to start the week of stressful work.

A woman has no weekends to call her own, she wakes up at the same hour to take care of the kids, she has more work on the weekend since the children will all be at home all day. She thinks of things to entertain them with, activities to occupy their time, she feeds them, cleans them, plays with them,  and then tried to keep the husband entertained on his very special weekend.

The most devastating part in all this is the lack of appreciation that is given to women who decided with their partners to become parents. Their job is looked down upon as if it is not as worthy as a job taken outside of the home. She works from the minute she opens her eyes until she goes to sleep, most times there is no sleep to look forward to if her child is ill or teething or still feeding.  Her days are filled with trying her new adapted psychology methods to bring up the best human she can. She spends her days running around providing for the entire household a comfortable, easy, clean environment while still trying to find time to take a shower, make a phone call, eat her lunch and even use the bathroom. 

A man assumes that when his wife has a maid that her life is simple and easy, well I think women then should assume the same if their husbands have a secretary or a whole staff working under him.

I am a working woman, and I don’t have children but I do have friends and family members who have chosen there career path to be motherhood.  I am at work from 8:30am and by 5:00pm I am exhausted and drained, but I know that I can go home, spend time silently in front of the tv with no one to take care of. I can go see my friends, watch a movie, take a long bath and go to the salon to pamper myself whenever I want to. If I have a business dinner to go to, then I get dressed, and look forward to a night filled with laughter and jokes to ease the work environment. I do get stressed at work a lot, I do have things that get on my nerves and people I want to kill, I have an abundance of deadlines to meet and a bunch of politics to deal with but at the end of the day I have my weekends and I have my weekday night times to do with as I wish. At the end of every month I get paid for all my efforts at work.

In the case of mothers, they don’t have any of the luxuries that I have or the man has. Their selfless attitudes make them happy knowing that their children are well and loved, they get no money for their efforts, they get no appraisals from their husbands for the great job they are doing, they only get tears from their children, irritation from their husbands and bad mouthing from their help. To top it off, a husband will still complain about her inability to go out at night when he wants to; he finds it irrational that she may be exhausted cause she has not slept for a week more than five hours. He gets a tantrum when he can’t find his shirts or socks blaming her for not caring for those things since she has nothing better to do cause she just sits at home all day while he works to provide them financially. He starts to look at other women when his wife is at her worst. After carrying his child for nine months then being unable to sleep for three months after that, she starts to look exhausted, her inability to dress the way she used to starts to turn him off, and he starts to nag her to provide him with a smile that she is unable to provide because of her exhaustion. Her breasts are sore, her body is huge, her private area hurts, her eyes have dark circles underneath them, her baby doesn’t sleep and her husband still expects to have her sexually.

For all the women who also work and take care of their children and husbands I give you the greatest appraisal for your superwoman like tendencies. Also to the women who have more than one children yet still maintain their jobs and their homes I praise your courage even more.

So to every man out there, take a good look at the woman you have chosen to marry and have chosen to start a family with, she is a miracle worker and you must know that if you were in her shoes you would have never been able to do what she does. Forget about the stresses of work for they are nothing in comparison to the stresses of making a good human being. Let go of the remote control and spend time helping around the house, the decision of making a family is not the woman’s to carry alone. Take over the children for a few days in the evenings, give your wife the time to shower the way she used to, go see her friends the way she used to, sit and read her book or watch a movie the way she used to. Give her a few hours on the weekend to look forward to by taking charge of the house and the children.  Wake up at night to take care of a crying baby, or a sick child and give her those extra hours to sleep to be able to maintain an anger free day. Request things from the help instead of requesting from her to request it from the help, give her those few minutes to follow her own commands.

If all this is hard for you to do, then simply give her the time and space to do as she wishes with her time, give her the freedom to say no to the ongoing outings you want to go to. Tell her how much you appreciate her great efforts in taking care of your kids while you’re out at work. Show her gratitude for not quitting on you since her job is a thousand times more time and self consuming than yours is. Provide her with the money she would have earned if she were working for a company the way you are, but instead she has chosen to take care of the family you both decided to have.  Provide her sexually the way she wants it to be not the way you are expecting it to be. Cuddle her when she needs it, give her space when she asks for it. Be present as a positive aspect in her life, not the negative aspect she dreads seeing every evening knowing that you will be coming back home with a whole list of demands as you sit with your feet up flipping through the TV channel.

To all you amazing women, I send you my grandest of applause for the amazing jobs you are doing and the decision in becoming a mother and a wife.