January 9, 2011 9 Comments
The path of forgiveness is hard to come across once a person has been severely wronged by another. The heart finds an inability to move forward congesting it’s arteries with hate and anger that make it hard to ever move on. The pain of the injustice is harbored by images that seem to find their way into the mind reminding the heart of the pain it had gone through.
I am a certified Reiki healer, and I have been for more than eight years now. In constantly trying to find ways to help those around me with gifts I never knew I had I acquired a few certificates in different aspects of life one of them being Reiki. I spent random days and nights helping those around me overcome a pain using the energy that flowed easily out of my hands and feeling euphoric after seeing the changes manifest themselves into their lives. Upon my break down that took place during my destructive marriage and my manipulative roommate I lost myself and the ability to help anyone especially myself. In the years the followed I slowly started to recover from the shock, I stopped the self blame once I came to terms that it was not my fault and there was nothing more I could have done to make things better. MJ (my ex husband) and Tracy (my ex roommate) were who they were regardless of who I was, it was in their nature to be the people they were and there was nothing that would have ever changed that.
As I started to pick up the pieces of my old self back and improving on them I realized I also carried around such anger and hate towards them making my recovery much harder and longer than expected. I wanted to be done with the anger, I wanted to forget and forgive, but it was impossible to do. How can you forgive two people who pushed you to the brink of suicide only for their own pleasure? How is it possible to let go of the humiliation that i suffered through the cruelty that spewed out of the man I chose to marry? Or the cruelty that destroyed the little, if any, self love I tried to hold on to for dear life as a roommate did her best to demolish even further? As I kept trying to work on myself i realized I was unable to really move ahead and follow my dreams because the images kept recreating themselves in my mind blocking up my heart from even contemplating forgiveness.
I started myself improvement ventures through taking courses in NLP, I figured if I can go back to my ultimate goal; which was the desire to help others; I would be on the right track, back in shape, following my one true mission in life. Life did start to blossom, my self confidence came screaming back with ecstasy. I felt free, able to see who I was and the improvements I had achieved were grand. I put to sleep the anger, hate, sadness and depression over the death of my old self and relished in fabricating my new and improved self, little did I know that I still harbored such abhorrence towards MJ and Tracy.
It came to me as I lay down on my back in the dim light of a large studio with my eyes closed listening to the voice of my reiki instructor. After wanting to continue my mission I needed to re-adjust my reiki knowledge I wanted to be able to provide light and energy to those in need and I was still not sure if I can go back to being that person again, so I decided to re-take the reiki course and get initiated again to be a healer. As I was lying there with the soft distant music playing its strings harmoniously the Reiki instructor gently talked us through a meditation to allow our hearts to be filled with nothing but love. She slowly directed us to release all anger from the heart, to forgive those who had done us wrong, to forget all the pain, to remove them from our hearts and allow space for new things to happen, better things and most importantly for new people who would be happy to receive our love.
Remove them from your heart chakra, remove them from your head chakra, remove the anguish from your stomach chakra, release all the pain, make space for a better life.
I did that, and in that I found a new resolved peace within myself, the heat in my hands resurfaced and the power to heal re-entered my soul. I had allowed my hate to go, I released them of my anger, I forgave them for all they had done but not before I prayed that God will give them no mercy when they needed it most as they showed me no mercy when I needed it most and pain as severe as they gave me and to do with them as He sees fit. And with that one last wish, that one last breath, that one last memory I released MJ and Tracy into God’s hands and gave space in my heart to accept a new beginning, a new life and a new cleaned space for my true path to take its residence in me.