The pressure of others words

pop-art-womenWhat we tell ourselves and what others tell us make us who we are. We trust whole heartedly what others tell us, how others define us, and we live accordingly. We either spend time proving them right, or proving them wrong. Yet, we don’t spend time looking at who we really are and putting in the effort to accept ourselves with all the wonders of our amazingly unique personalities.

There was a time where I was devastatingly depressed, I had come out of a horrible marriage, that broke me as a person. I went to so many doctors to figure out what was wrong with me, how could I fail at my marriage, what did I do wrong?! What they all persisted on telling me was this “your depressed, take this medication”. Now if I completely believed them, that I needed medication to heal myself I would have been a complete mess by today. All I wanted to know, all I needed to know was whose fault it was for this marriage to have gotten so bad. The more the doctors persisted on telling me that I have a deep depression and needed medication, the more I believed that I was utterly depressed and I was at fault.

They were the doctors, I should trust them, yet even in my lowest point of my life, I had a fear of taking medication to subdue me into a state of comfort. I was not getting answers that confronted me, I left the marriage feeling guilt and pain, yet I had no idea what was going on with me. So I got into a worse depression due to being told I am severely depressed and my only hope was medication, there was no other way to get me fixed.

I still didn’t take anything prescribed to me, I insisted that this was not a solution for me, to numb me to the world and my emotions. And yet the depression kept getting stronger cause even friends and family were telling me take something to make me feel better. This persistence was the reason I finally found a therapist that had time to listen to me and time to talk. Finally after months on the search, I got my answer to my own question in a way that my own personality would have accepted hearing it and believing it. It was not my fault at all. And that was when the healing began. I was told I am depressed but due to what happened to me, that he was the one who was wrong, that everything I went through was simply called “abuse” and so I had a small thread of hope to help myself.

In general I trusted a small voice of fear inside, fear of medications, although I was in a terrible state and trusted the doctors telling me that I was severely depressed.

If everyone tells you that your depressed then you will be depressed. If everyone tells you that you have manic depression then u will believe it. Giving you a title makes it more intense and possible to believe and so you become that person. You become ill and in need of mental medication. But what if you have a right to be so sad or disappointed in what happened to you,? What if all you really need is someone to hear you out and lead you into a better solution that caters to you personally?

If your depressed and everyone around you is telling you that you are, then stop and think, your not depressed, your disappointed. That is the right word, that word narrows it down to what the problem is, what is really going on. What we easily call depression today is simply disappointment.

I was so disappointed in my failure of my marriage. I was so disappointed in myself and who I became by staying with that person. I was disappointed in life and in God. True depression is clinical, disappointment is what we all go through. Tell your minds the right word so that it can heal itself, depression removes all possibility of you getting better without medication.

We would all like an easy solution to our negative emotions, and it is so much easier to say “I am depressed” yet the long term hell that follows these numbing medications is a life time of foggiest, numbness to happiness and sadness and dillusion.

You are what you think you are. Whatever words you use with yourself, you are these words. If you say your depressed then your whole body will function accordingly and then it is so easy to pop a pill to feel better. People will also throw that word at you constantly, and encourage you to get well fast. The problem is, you become unavailable and loose yourself and your spark, you become subdued to life with no passions or reasons worthy to keep you alive.

You become numb.

Watch what words you use, and change the word to something manageable. See what happens then. Don’t take those pills, they damage your brain, they eat away at your days and nights, they take away from your own beauty while life just passes you by.


Happiness interpreted

Humans are but mere boxes of memories

You say your happy, But are you really so?

You say your life is complete, But what is complete to you?

You say “I have fulfilled every dream I have” But have you really fulfilled that empty void in your heart?

For as long as you shall live you shall ask yourself secretly “What is missing? What is it that is making me feel so incomplete and so alone?”

Take a look around you, you live in a world that is filled with lies, arrogance, pride, sex, money, violence, war and hungry children.

In all this where is your happiness? How do you really accomplish the desire to be happy with all the mess that is eating up your world today?

The only true happiness is the peace that you may find in your heart, a peace that is hard to find due to all the chaos surrounding our fragile lives. This peace is internal, an adjustment of our outlook on life, our refusal to give into the sadness, to force ourselves to see the glimpses of good that are taking place in the world and within our own personal lives.

You must change your memories around, change them to the memories that hold happy moments. Switch the sad, angry and hurtful moments with the happy, simple and loving times. Force this pattern of thoughts until it is natural to see only the good that took place in your life and then that is when peace and love may enter into your hearts and when happiness can find its true path within your soul.

The Humiliation of Subservient Chores.

Do we still live in a world where men honestly believe that a woman is made to serve her man? How is it possible that well rounded, educated men can truly believe that one of the beauties of marriage is to have someone pick up behind them, feed them, do their laundry, clean the house, pack their clothes and still sustain a cheerful attitude? As I sat facing a lovely young man who had lived on his own for over 5 years and had just gotten married, I aksed him what were his expectations of marriage. To my shocking surprise his answer was “To have a partner in life to do things with and for someone to pamper me.” I innocently asked what is pampering for him and he said so casually “To take over all the chores I had to do for myself. To have her take over the cleaning of the house, to make me breakfast, lunch and dinner, to do my laundry, to pick up my things from around the house.”

I couldn’t believe my ears, was this educated man for real? Is it possible that men still believe that once they get married all the things that they used to do as bachelors would vanish cause he was now married and the woman he chose to marry would take over all the chores? I sat there wondering if his words could make any sense at all, yet nothing came to mind. Where do these notions come from? How do men and women believe that their gift of getting married is turning the woman into a servant with benefits? Is it not cheaper to hire a maid to do all those things than actually getting married? A house maid is paid on a daily basis to serve the household, it is a job she has applied for. A marriage needs money for the wedding, money for the diamond ring, money for an apartment, money for furniture and money to spend on house purchases for two people. So what is cheaper to have? A maid or a wife?

It is sad to say that the people at fault are the parents of these men and women, they have bestowed upon their children the belief that a woman is made to serve her husband and therefore the little young girl is made to believe that her future home with her husband is her palace and she is the queen of this palace, a brainwashing technique, when in reality she is just a servant that never leaves. The little boy is taught that once he finds a wife and marries all the things he had to do for himself will cease to exist. He is taught at a young age that his mother does everything for him and so will his future wife. He is made to believe that he is incapable of cooking for himself, or cleaning his own things, he is made to believe that a woman is the only one that can do all those things and in return he is brainwashed into believing that women were created with special talents that he doesn’t possess.

Society keeps badgering women to get married, forcing them to find their prince and giving them the hopes and dreams that this prince will come and shower them with love. On the other hand men are made to believe that they can take their time to marry, that they need to try as many women as possible before they settle down that age doesn’t matter. The biggest joke here is that the women are the ones that suffer the most in getting married and the men get benefits they didn’t even dream of. In the twisted ways of our societies we should notice that men are the ones who get it easy, they are the ones who gain more stability than the women do.

When does all this end? When will men actually appreciate a woman and start wanting to marry a partner not a subservient servant? Why is it ok for a man not to involve himself in the upbringing of his own kids? Men speak of babies as if they are an entity outside of them, as if they are objects that only a mother knows how to care for. In reality both mother and father have never had the experience of changing a babies diapers, feeding the baby let alone showering a baby. How come the father figure is always displayed as someone who is ignorant in this department? What makes her knowledgeable about something that she has never done in her life before? What makes him different in the responsibility of it all?

Were we not created as partners in this life? Think about it all from a different perspective than what we have all been brainwashed to believe throughout our lives. Marriage should be an additional bonus to everyone’s life, not a burden that is bestowed upon women. Women need to wake up to their own reality in life and come to realize that they do have choices and they are able to find the right partner in life that will share his life with hers. Don’t go around looking for a husband go out there and look for a partner.

Vanishing Time

In a world where “time” seems to vanish into thin air while “things to do” keep lingering on with constant hope of catching “time”, I am left to wonder where is time vanishing too?

The alarm rings at 8:00am and I keep snoozing it for an hour hoping to get more sleep yet dreading the wasted minutes that are passing me by. That hour of snoozing is a restless hour, filled with thoughts and continues demands to enjoy my sleep. A battle deep within me makes it impossible to fall back into the wonders of my dreams and away from the schedules of my reality.

I finally push the covers off my body, jump out of bed and rush to the bathroom. It is at this point on that I am unable to relax, every minute counts, every second makes a difference and the whole schedule starts to form itself accordingly. I flip through my clothes in the closet in hopes of finding something I feel comfortable with, knowing that I will be out of the house all day with no hope of coming home to take an hour break I had to choose something that would last me all day long.

Within 10 minutes I am done getting dressed and go off into the TV room to have my mug of coffee and cigarette before I have to rush out of the house. I walk into the TV room to find my mom already there fully dressed and sipping on her coffee in delight watching the news channel. I sit with her as we have a quick update of both our mornings and then immediately finish off my coffee as I move myself towards my laptop to check my e-mails, wondering if there is anything that needs to be done before I have to leave. As it just so happens, there is always something to be done, and so in complete indulgence I dive into work mode, hearing nothing and answering no one. My mom tries to open topics with me and all that keeps coming out of my mouth are the words, “yes”, “oh”, “really” and “hmmmm”. Recently I have learnt to add the word “no” to my response system since I had found myself saying “yes” to things I have no interest in doing or the time to do.

Hours keep passing by as work over takes my entire soul, i can’t seem to stop, I can’t find a way to stop. One thing takes me into the next and into the next and in no time 3 hours have already passed and I haven’t seen the streets yet. I am already running late, my phone won’t stop ringing and I finally pick it up to go through all my bbm’s, my missed calls and any sms’s. I roll away from my desk, switch off the lap top, and rush back into the bathroom to wash my face again, brush my teeth and put on my flip flops. I return back to the tv room to pack up my lap top to take it to work with me and to my dismay my mom has a list of things she wants of me. I stand there on edge, all that is running through my mind is “I have no time, I have no time, I have no time.” Therefore I have not heard 50% of what was requested of me. I kiss her good bye and rush out the door carrying my lap top and hand bag that weights a 100 kilos from the weight of all the notebooks and books I have wedged into it.

At last I am on the road, its already 1:00pm and I am so far away from where I should be. The traffic is insane and I know that I am spending a good hour, if not more, on the road. I pick up my phone, attaché the head set to it and go through all my missed calls and unanswered bbm’s. As I am driving at no more than 3 miles an hour I am able to return all my phone calls and respond to all the bbm’s and sms’s.  Finally an hour later I arrive to work excited to get hold of my lap top again and start working on all the things that I had to cut short to get out of the house. As I park the car and walk towards my work in the Art Café I am bombarded by a whole bunch of people who are there taking classes or asking about the classes we offer there.

Quick summary about my job: It’s a place that me and two other friends decided to open together, a place where people can go and enjoy a few hours in a very artistic environment that provides nothing but art. It was 7 years ago that the idea became a reality and its been taken care of solely by one partner. I had spend a good two years in it then I left town for a good 5 years and finally my partners decided to convince me to come back and be fully involved. I came back to an amazing environment that was filled with people and over 30 different types of creative art classes. Our business had expanded and all the people in Cairo knew the name “Art Café”. I was so proud of my partner, she had done a great job at marketing the place and I was wondering how we were making no profit at all. That is when my role came in, I needed a base for it, a solid base, formats, schedules, prices, cost estimates etc….New branches needed to open up, yet was impossible to do with the lack of any profit we were receiving. We were requested to be more available in different areas in Cairo. We needed to expand in so many ways and that is when all the work began. On the other hand I also had my passions that I needed to pursue, reiki and NLP coaching. And so I revamped a room to turn it into a quiet reiki and NLP room.

So going back to the day: As I walked in to the Art Café I realized that getting any work done on my lap top was going to be near impossible. There were workers there renovating the space outdoors, there were workers inside painting the walls. There were children working on an array of art projects, adults coming in to take their art classes and the whole staff running around like headless chickens. Luckily my partner is there also and we try to find any place to go and have a quick update on the new upcoming art season, to no avail. We are able to exchange a few words every few hours, as we are being asked a tone of other things to do and work on.

By 7pm the day has calmed down and there is just one class taking place and the Art Café is silent with the amazing background music taking over the silence. I take out my lap top and with a joy in my heart, I take a seat to get some work done. I look at my phone and realize there is a whole new set of bbm’s, and missed calls. I decide to return the calls which eat up another hour of my day as the evening plans with friends take place. I do a few NLP’s on friends over the phone to help them out with a few issues and work on 1 or two people in Art Café who need a quick reiki for a certain emotional or physical pain.

Its already 8:30pm and I have not worked on any of the things I needed to work on, my own personal deadlines. I close my lap top, pack my things, say bye to everyone still working in Art Café and head off to my social outing. Another hour in the car, and this time I choose to hear my music blaring on blast to stop my brain from thinking. The music provokes more thoughts and so as I sit stuck in traffic I take out my note pad and jot down all the things running through my mind, my schedule gets even larger.

Finally I get to my destination point, hop out of the car, leave my lap top in the car, take my hand bag as the phone is wedged between my shoulder and my right ear talking to my friends, figuring out where they are located. As I walk in, I take a deep breath and realize what a great feeling it is to disconnect and just hang out with my friends for a bit, somewhere outside of work and all the work things I can’t stop thinking about.

The evening turns out to be very interesting, different friends join in as others leave and I find myself sitting there for at least another 3 hours, enjoying every minute of it. It’s already past 12:00am and I start itching to leave, worried about my sleep and the morning snooze. I finally get up, get in my car again and head home. It’s around 1:30 am as I park the car, exhausted and totally burnt out, my eyes burn, my head is throbbing and my shoulders are completely knotted up.

I get home, go into my bedroom and rip the clothes off my body as I rush to get into the shower. the excitement of putting on my pj’s is overwhelming and I relish every item I put on. Sleep has left me, and I am wide awake again, I go into the tv room, my mom is already fast asleep and so I have time on my own, time to just flip through he tv channels and zone out into a good show or movie. My cats greet me with an amazing amount of love as I take out their brushes and start to groom them while I watch something interesting on tv. Once done, I flop on the couch and get into a state of mind filled with nothing but interest in what I am watching.

Its 2:30 am and finally I am sleepy again, I switch off the tv set, say good night to my cats and head towards my bedroom. I cozy up inside the covers, take out my eye glasses, pick up my book that is perfectly placed on my bedside table, and I start to read. No less than half hour later my book has returned to its designated spot, my glasses are thrown into their box and I am fast asleep, inside my world of dreams and love.

Things are still pending, time has passed me by, and I have gotten only 60% of things done. Time seems to pass me by, life seems to fly by without my being able to catch it. If only I can find Time, if only I can hold it down and tell it to wait…wait for a bit…..wait for me….wait I have so much I have to do, so many things I want to do…..STOP and wait for me.

It’s Not What You Are that Holds You Back…..

”It’s not what you are that holds you back. It’s what you think
you’re not.” Denis Waitley

On a daily basis I receive these incredible quotes through a friend of mine over Black Berry Messenger. And every glorious morning as I sip on my first cup of coffee and inhale on my first cigarette I hear the beeping of the phone alerting me that I had just received a new message. Casually I pick up the phone as I place the cup of coffee back onto its coaster and reflect on what my mood and thoughts were like the night before. Then with great anticipation I open up the new morning quote to see what is coming my way, and low and behold it reflects my exact mood and thoughts of the night before. This has been happening for over two months now and each and every morning I am sure that I will be receiving a new insight as to how I need to handle a certain aspect of my life.

I had long believed that I was unable to do a lot of things in my life. Growing up as a spoiled child I never thought I would ever know how or where to take my car if it needed maintenance, or how to open a bank account on my own, or even how to clean my own bedroom. I had everything given to me on a silver platter, without a thought in my mind as to how things ever got done. All I ever had to do was go to my parents and tell them what I wanted and BAMMM it would be done. Drivers would come and take the car so that the next morning I would have it ready to use (another car would be provided to me for my use until my car would come back to me), bank accounts were opened and filled up with money, clothes were miraculously picked up off the floor and arranged in their designated areas without even a thought about it from my end. Food was always available for me to eat, even when I was hungry there was always someone getting me something to eat without me having to even visit the kitchen.

The day finally came where I had to go off to university, actually live on my own and care for a house and monitor bills, I had absolutely no idea what was expected of me. I have to admit that I still had my bank account ready for me to use at my own leisure, the only difference was that I had a limited amount to use. I had to make sure that the checks for the apartment never bounced, that the car my dad purchased for me was taken care of, that the electrical bills to be paid on time and that the house I was gonna live in was to be clean. I was devastated, I wasn’t gonna have my parents around me to pamper me and there were no drivers or housekeepers to do all the magical work I never knew how to do. I complained all the time to my parents until they finally got me someone to clean the apartment twice a week, then I complained again and I got a bit more financial support and my last complaint got my mom to stay with me for a few months, making my life a lot easier.

I didn’t know how to do the basic things required of any human being in this life. I thought I never would know how to do any of those things and I kept telling myself that. Having a house keeper in university seemed like the most natural thing to me, yet I had no appreciation for it cause it was not on a daily basis and so I had to figure out a way to clean the house on my own the rest of the days of the week. I started having to go and do bank papers and things for me and my parents and at first I was horrified, I didn’t know what the bankers were talking about and all I wanted was to have money accessible in my bank. I learnt how to write checks and how to make sure I have money in my bank so the checks wont bounce. I learnt how to fill up the car with gas and make sure the oil is fine. I even learnt how to make a pot of rice to eat when hunger prevailed and I could not leave the house for days due to final exams.

As the years passed and I moved back to live with my parents I realized the changes that took over me. I was more responsible, I understood the meaning of money and how not to splurge. Magical repair was no more magical, I knew the procedures although I didn’t have to do it anymore. It was at that time that I realized I was able to do a lot of things even if I never thought I was ever able to. Challenges became a thing that I tried to peruse at all cost. The fear of doing things I knew I didn’t know how would over take me for a few weeks and then I would think back at who I used to be and who I was today and courage would replace the fear. To my surprise I was able to do a lot of things I thought I never could.

At work I challenged myself to work on all fields outside of my field of work, I studied interior design and yet I was working as an architect, I was going into meetings and talking numbers and purchases. I learnt how to teach children how to paint with freedom and ease. I studied Reiki and healed people with my own hands, I Coached in NLP and helped more people deal with internal issues. I learnt how to live on my own, saving money and calculating my expenses. I learnt to move countries with ease and know all the procedures taken to move your life from one country to the next.

I thought I was incapable of ever doing anything in my life, I believed in magic and no worries and grew up to believe that everything came on a silver platter. I thought I was weak, I thought I was only able to work with what I graduated with, I thought I was not good enough to paint canvases and show people, I thought I would never be able to tackle a meeting with cooperate guru’s present. To my surprise, all the things I thought I was not, were not who I really was. I am a person who can do anything and can become anything as long as I think I can…..then I simply CAN. I thought I was a spoiled little rich girl who could do nothing, when in reality I am everything but that.

”It’s not what you are that holds you back. It’s what you think
you’re not.” Denis Waitley

Music – Easy Please Me

As i sat flipping through the radio channel trying to find a song that goes well with the state of mind i am in, i happily come across this song. Since i was driving i was unable to write down any of the lyrics to be able to find it over the net. I sat for a few days flipping through the radio channels every time i got in my car, this time i had a paper and pen ready right next to me, just in case i was able to find the song. So yesterday i came across it again on the radio, i wrote down the lyrics and the name of the song and sat for an hour listening to it at home as i danced around my apartment in joy.

Standing at the bar with my friend Olivia
We were trying our best to catch up
That’s when he walked over, said I’d like to get to know you
But all I could say was, look, I’m sorry love
You see, I’ve had difficulties too many times before
And right now it’s not really my thing
He said just give me two minutes of your time
And tell me would you like me to be your friend

It’s not that easy, it’s not that easy
These days can’t find a man to please me
Their lines are far too cheesy
No boy is on a level, believe me
No boy is on a level, believe me
These days can’t find a man to please me
No boy is on a level, believe me
These days can’t find a man to please me

You don’t have to have a lot of money,
All you got to have is fire burning deep in your soul
If you have a dream for something that you love
I’ll support you, yeah I’ll play my role
Now I won’t call you twenty times a day
‘Cause I’ve got my own shit to do
When you see my name flashing on your phone
I want you to feel butterflies coming on through

It’s not that easy, it’s not that easy
These days can’t find a man to please me
Their lines are far too cheesy
No boy is on a level, believe me
No boy is on a level, believe me
These days can’t find a man to please me
No boy is on a level, believe me
These days can’t find a man to please me

Now one thing I can’t stand is arrogance
There’s no way that we would ever get along
But one thing I love is confidence
And humility to know when you’ve been wrong
Now I love a bad boy mentality
But I don’t want to be visiting no jail
Just know if there’s someone out there mocking me
Be my gangster when it’s time to get real

It’s not that easy, it’s not that easy
These days can’t find a man to please me
Their lines are far too cheesy
No boy is on a level, believe me
No boy is on a level, believe me
These days can’t find a man to please me, no
Oh these days I can’t find my, my easy please me

Listen to your Heart not other peoples fears

It has occurred to me that I have not written anything for more than a month now and I do apologize for my absence. I have moved countries and left behind a place that bought me nothing more than heart ach and pain. I have come to understand that life is not always what it seems to be and people are not what they represent themselves to be. It took a year of constant contemplation to take this step and leave behind a place that I no longer could co exist with or understand. To be true to myself I had to either, accept my previous life and live with all what it could offer me or make a drastic change in hopes of a better outcome and a more fruitful future. As I sat with myself on a daily basis I came to realize that the first option was an impossibility, I had gained a few great friends whom I enjoyed their incredible companionship, I had gotten accustomed to my daily routine, I grew attached to the beautiful sea view I woke up to every morning from my apartment, I cherished my alone time, I looked forward to spending time with my niece and nephew for an hour a day and I got attached to the comforts of a life filled with quality services. With all these positives in my life I was still unhappy, there was too much nothingness happening, there was no soul to the place I lived in, there was an emptiness that I had gotten acquainted with yet I could not get accustomed to. I decided to fill up my time there learning things that would benefit me when I move, I thought to myself “there must be a reason I am here and it is not to just socialize and learn how to sit with myself alone”.

I decided to take a refresher course in Reiki and rejuvenate my soul back into spiritualism – I thought that this would make me appreciate the place I was living in- that didn’t work. I then moved into studying NLP and as I started practicing on everyone I knew I realized slowly I was definitely living in the wrong place, yet still I was determined to make my life succeed in the country I was in. I read a tone of books on accepting your life for what it is and finding peace within yourself, but I couldn’t connect with that emotion for longer than a few days and then I was back into the same roller coaster ride I was in earlier. I decided to dedicate my whole days to work, yet a horrible management decision helped hire one of the slyest men into my work space, providing me with nothing more than anxieties and mental war games. The most important part is that my heart wanted me to leave more than anything yet my logic kept me there. The blessings I got from staying this long in a country I abhorred were many : I got certified as a Master Reiki healer, an NLP life coach, a raise and promotion in my job, opening up my own blog and writing in it and an amazing ability to spend time with myself.

As all these new learnings were mine to keep and work with, everything else around me started falling apart. All my materialistic glories were no more glorious. My beautiful apartment was sold to some other agency and there was a strange confusion within all the neighbors. I had a huge fall out with a close person making it impossible for me to go see the dearest people to my heart without having to also see him in the process. My job was getting out of control with mind manipulation and stresses that kept me busy watching my back instead of working, so I asked to be relocated. My friends got fully occupied with their children and husbands I hardly saw them, my single friends were busy simply partying and I was in no mood for that life style anymore. I received an electrical bill saying they are cutting off my services cause they were directed by me to cut it of, which I never did. My car’s expenses were getting ridicules and I needed to sell it, which turned out to be close to impossible to do.

I didn’t know where else I would go live, the whole world was open to me yet deep in my heart all I wanted to do was go back home, to my country , to my people and to my own private business that I left behind years ago. A revolution started in my home town and the possibilities of moving back seemed impossible, yet the desire increased more and more. All I felt was the need to be there, that it was the right time to go back home. The whole world fought me on it, they all thought I was mad in more ways than one. I kept getting other people into my head, making me procrastinate my move, change my decision and mistrust my judgment. The closet people to my heart came to stay with me for a few weeks from my home town due to the revolution and my heart was flourished again, I was living in my home town although I had still not moved back. Once they all left I booked my ticket and took a trip back home, although everyone worried about me and asked me not to, I didn’t care, I wanted to go, I needed to go and see it for myself.

As I got off the plane I realized how much everything in me wanted to be there. I was happy for the first time in a long time, my heart felt lighter and I was actually happy, content and serine. How can I explain this feeling? I have no idea other than my heart took over and my mind took a rest for the first time. I spend ten days assessing the country, going around seeing my friends, going to my private business and seeing my work partners. I then started to look for apartments, a push towards finding a way for my life to start again in my country, and that push actually ignited the ability to find the apartment that would allow me to leave my amazing apartment in Dubai.

As the days got closer to my return my logic started to kick in and everyone else’s voices started taking over. I panicked, I didn’t know what to do, I didn’t want to go back, I didn’t want my friends to talk me out of it or for my logic to kick in. So all I could do was actually sign the documents for the apartment I saw and start paying rent.

I went back to Dubai and the next day I handed over my resignation in full delight. Then I found a shipping company to move all my furniture into my new apartment in beautiful Cairo. I sold my car and went around like a mad woman paying off all my electrical bills, phone bills, A/C bills, internet bills and getting workers to paint the apartment to be able to hand it over back to the new land lord. My wonderful friends in Dubai took me in to stay at their home for a few days before my departure and I had the best time with them.

Finally I got on the plane with my three cats and left Dubai forever. I took the leap and followed my hearts desire, what the whole world thought as madness, I felt as the right thing to do for me. I silenced all their comments and just allowed myself to go with what I wanted the most, to be in a place I felt safe in.

People will talk all the time, they will enforce themselves on you and allow for nothing else to matter but what they think. Remember you’re the only one who knows what is best for you, you’re the only one who can really know what is in your heart and what you desire at the time, and you’re the only one who feels pain, anger, hurt and disappointments. I don’t know what this year has install for me, yet I am sure its for the best for me. Maybe in a year I will hate it, maybe in a month I will decide to leave but one thing I know for sure is that my heart is happier than it has been in the last four years and i am doing what i love best using Reiki and NLP to heal those i love as i work on my “Art Cafe” providing a sense of art and fun for all those around me. At the end of the day, all that really matters is what joy my heart gets and if i am following my true purpose in life or not.

When does it become unacceptable?

Anger boils over inside of me as Jack asked “Well did he hit you?”

“No” Emily says, surprised that he would even ask that question. Was all what she was saying not enough to walk out on her current relationship? My face was starting to hurt from the frown that had over taken my face for the past half hour, listening to Emily re-tell her story with her husband to Jack as tears rolled down her face. I couldn’t understand why Jack was even asking if her husband was hitting her? What relevance did that have to do with the pain Emily has been suffering for years with this man?

I asked him point blank “What relevance does this have? Is it not enough that He is constantly swearing at her, slamming doors all over the house, being completely impolite to any member of her family or any of her friends that enter her house, he doesn’t give her money to be able to support the house hold requirements and her baby girls requirements yet spends a ton on his friends and his entertainment, he is out partying every single night without her, he doesn’t allow her to go to bars or clubs at night without him even though he does constantly, he has caused his little girl to wake up screaming at night fearing that her father would kill her mother, he sits and does nothing in the house except talk on the phone to his buddies laughing or flipping through tv channels as she keeps running around the house fixing things, he uses his kids for his social outings to be accepted in society, he doesn’t allow her to work so she doesn’t attract the attention of the opposite sex” I take a deep breath in, calm myself down and asked calmly “So answer this Jack, what does it matter, to you, if he hits her or not?” Jack looked at me surprised as though I was asking him a question about giving birth and how he felt during it. I repeated my question to him more aggressively and he finally responded saying “Well since he does not hit her, then they can work things out. hitting her would be unacceptable in every way possible.”

Shocked out of my wits I didn’t know how to answer him back, all that rummaged through my mind was the fact that if a woman ever dared do all that to her husband she would be banished by everyone including her family, they would tell her that it is up to her to make this marriage work. Any man who went to complain about the same things would have given the green light for every human being (male or female) to reprimand the woman until she breaks down in humiliation for her actions. Yet when a woman complains about being mistreated on a daily basis the world tends to stand by his side and ask the woman to accept it as long as she is not being physically abused. She is supposed to take in his infidelity, his rudeness, his verbal condemning ways, his absence physically and financially and only be able to make a valid stand if he went out of his way and hit her.

Strange how this type of injustice is not accepted upon animals and yet upon women it is considered bad, yet not unjust. A woman is put in a position today to accept all that is done to her by a man because he has not physically abused her YET. A woman is expected to be the brains in the family, the glue that holds everything together regardless of what her mental state has become because of all the degrading ways she has been treated.  A woman has to turn a blind eye to her husband having affairs hoping that he will one day come to his senses, but when that day never comes she has to confront him and in return the society gives the excuse of him being a “Man” and men need more than one woman. She is then asked yet again to accept it and be a better wife to her husband cause she was probably the reason he went to another woman for sex. If a woman cheats on her husband she is thrown to the gutters, her kids are taken away from her, her marriage is over, her is shunned out from society with not a single word mentioned that it could have possibly been the husbands fault.

What really gets to me is this, after my talk with Emily and Jack, I found Emily agreeing with Jack, seeing his point of view, assessing the situation and wronging herself the whole time. She provoked his anger, she allowed him to neglect her and stop spending money on her and the family, it was her fault she was too busy taking care of the house and her child and her new pregnancy, of course he would go mad and naturally she thanked God that he never hit her “He is a good man that he never hit me. I would have left for sure.”

And in that ended the whole pain she had been suffering for years with her husband. I later on found out that all her girlfriends gave her a similar advice and sad as it was, women accept this upon themselves. Women will tell women to stick around in a horrible relationship, with a cheating man, with a stingy guy, with a man who has temper management issues and tell the woman it is all in her hands to make this work.

When have we ever become the weaker sex? We are able to give birth, take care of a house, go to work, socialize with the world and sleep for a maximum of six hours a night and still have the ability to do everything and more than any man could even dream of. What happened to reprimanding a man for his misconduct and behavior, who said it was ok? Who said that we were born, as women, to live this way? How come every man gets away with murder and women can’t get away with an extra hour of sleep if needed?

Women know how to build fear in other women, making them accept the unacceptable. Telling them horror stories of what life would look like if she did leave her husband “You will not be able to support yourself, you have not worked for years.” Or “What about the kids? They need a father figure” or “Live with it till your kids are old enough then leave”or “ Who will every marry a woman with children? It is too much baggage. So it is best to stay with the man who helped in procreating them.”

What women don’t understand is this “If women stood up and supported one another and did not accept to be treated in such a disturbing disregard to their humanity then men will have no choice but to stop.” As long as the world accommodates such actions and only the visual physical abuse is the allowed reason to leave a man, women will always be where they are today, and they will keep procreating more men that abuse their women, cause women don’t know how to stand up for their human rights.

If every woman keeps accepting this as a way of life, and if women will always advise women to be the abused member of the family then things will never change and women will always be spat on. Her kids will also treat her with disrespect the way their father had, and they will repeat the same pattern onto their wives in the future and every woman will again tell that woman in pain “It is ok, it is all in your hands, you’re the smarter one. Men are like children let him do his thing, and you stay the good wife, he will come around. As long as he didn’t hit you then you can fix it.”

Emilie’s story is one of the many stories I have came across in all these years of watching and listening to couples. With such sadness I have to say that I might have met one in every 30 marriages where there is a balanced relationship between man and woman. What women don’t understand is this: they are telling their daughters that it is ok to be treated this way and they are telling their sons it is ok to treat a woman this way. They think they are making life better for their children when in reality they are allowing the same patterns to continue to evolve and have no regard to how their daughters will be treated in the future or how their sons will treat women.

Farm or City?

Our life experiences are based on our way of life. What we say and do come back to us in one way or another. If we believe in ourselves then everything we do is right, there is no fear, there is no worry, there is only self confidence in the choices we make. To hear your own voice is all that matters for no one else lives your life or has your wisdom.

Living on a farm or living in a city have a great distinction between them and show a slight resemblance of a congested mind and an intuitive mind. In a city there is noise pollution that scatters your thoughts and allows for nothing other than everyone else’s voice to overpower your own caring voice. In a city you are rushing from one place to the next getting your job done, errands run, obligations met and in all this people are chattering away giving advice where it is not needed, assuming they know best, and therefore diluting your own trust within yourself. Time becomes something you try to find yet discover that it’s meaning has been lost to you. What is expected of you has stopped you from doing what is expected from yourself to you. You glimpse a sight of what you want your life to look like and you feel that you can breath again. Yet a second later  a whirlwind of clatter over powers that desire and it is lost amongst the bustle and noise emanating from those around you who ridicule your thoughts and the sight of your own breath of fresh air.

In the Farm you are free to hear yourself contemplate and understand what is good or bad for you. There are only animals around that say nothing more than offer their love to you for the simple act of feeding them and caring for them. In return you are left to listen to your mind as it ventures into a world of its own where the decisions are based on your own internal voice that you have come to believe in and trust. You move with your instincts towards your fields of green in knowledge of when to water them and when to walk away. You hear the sound of your breathing and the whispers of the butterflies as they pass you by. In an ability to sit and think you realize what your dreams are and grow strong in your beliefs, for there is no one there who can contaminate those desires and the conviction of your thoughts.

I long to be a farm, where I am left to my own accord and rid myself of the fear of change or the fears that have been bestowed upon me by those who love me the most.

Ecstasy at its Best

The fear over took me as I lifted one leg up placing it carefully on a tiny little pedal as the other leg flew over the narrow seat and rested on the opposing  pedal. My hands grasped Mark’s shoulders as I slowly sat down on the narrow leather seat. I felt like chocking up, I was unable to breath, the large helmet closed around my face, cradling my chin and covering my ears and cheeks only allowing a narrow opening for my eyes to see and nose to breath. I asked Mark repeatedly “Are you sure this is safe? The last time I did this I was nine years old.” And Mark kept reassuring me “Trust me it is very safe, you will feel the freedom you have always longed for”

As Mark started to move very slowly with his motorcycle I relaxed for a few seconds giving full and utter trust in Mark’s abilities and the fact that he has been riding since a very young age. Just as I was starting to talk myself into the reliability of what I was on, I found my legs thrown off of the pedals and crashing against the cement floor as the motorcycle fought to hold itself up. I got off the bike in a heart beat as Mark tried to lift it off its tilted angel with all the strength he had in his legs. Once the bike was up again, standing the way a bike should stand I hesitated for a few seconds before hoping back on it. I didn’t want to make Mark feel that he was not competent at what he loved to do the most and yet the fear of my life being under someone else’s hands was overwhelming. Needless to say, the need and desire to make Mark feel that I still trusted him over took my fear and I was back on the bike, pretending like nothing happened. As we started to drive off again, this time moving a lot faster I felt my heart was gonna throw itself outside of my chest and give up on me.

“Why do I always do that to myself?”  I wondered “Why is it always someone else’s feelings that I worry about a lot more than mine?” I was afraid, so afraid all I was able to do was come to terms that this was how I was gonna die. I kept repeating prayers in my mind and heart as my arms wrapped themselves around Mark’s waist. I kept asking God to forgive all my sins and forgive any bad I had done in my life, and as I kept praying and visualizing my death we came to a halt and I was surrounded by other bikers all parked in front of a bike store chatting away and purchasing things for their bikes. Once we were off the bikes, Mark took off and went inside the store to check out helmets as I stood outside observing all the people around me, watching their facial expressions and seeing them wave a polite hello to me. Mark appeared again and asked me to go in the store with him and check it out, I obediently did that, out of worry of being left alone with the death machine.

Against all my wishful prayers, we got on the bike again and this time I was sure we were gonna die. Mark was a pro at driving a Harley and I should have felt safe internally, the anguish was beyond my understanding, the images in my head were overwhelming me as the wind crashed itself against my face and body. We stopped again at a gas station before our long trip to the sea, he asked me again at the gas station if I was ok and up for the ride and humbly I said “Yes I am ready for it” unknowingly to him that I had come to terms that God had planned my death on that very day, on that motorcycle, on a long desert road towards the sea that I was sure I would never see.

The Harley was filled up with gas, our helmets were back on our heads, my hands were balanced on marks shoulders and we were off onto the highway that is known to have killed hundreds of thousands of people. I prayed again and again, and asked for forgiveness from God in every possible form and envisioned how mad my mom would be on the day of my funeral that I actually got on a motorcycle and never told her. As all these fears and images came flashing by me something started happening to me a very unexpected turn of events. My prayers became more positive; I started asking God to bless me with a wonderful life filled with the wonderful freedom I was feeling internally at this very moment. My arms loosened from around mark’s waist and they now leaned casually on his shoulders. My head tilted up towards the sky watching the clouds form all sorts of shapes and animals. I forgot all my fears and I felt like I was one with nature and life. I lost track of life and all my worries and my mind seemed to venture in all the right directions with all the right thoughts and right expectations. Reality would come crashing at me the minute Mark would caress my leg to make sure I was doing fine and I would remember that I was on a motorcycle and not up there in the clouds having an out of body experience. Even when I would come back to reality and notice where I really was, there was nothing but utmost joy in my heart, the fear had dissipated itself into a world that refused to accept its presence anymore.

After half an hour of the most amazing ride of my life, Mark asked me if I wanted a cigarette break and I screamed out loudly “YES” with a giddy smile and a laughter I had no more control over. We stopped, I took of my helmet and started to jump up and down with loving joy. I thanked Mark for making me take this trip with him, I thanked him with all my heart at the amazing experience he just provided me with. My heart was filled with gratitude and love for this man, he took me out of my worries and gave me freedom unlike any other known to man. Once we were done we hoped back onto the bike and I was ecstatic to get back on it again, I could not wait to have the wind blow up against my body or the rush of excitement that came with speed, or the basic feeling of my soul freed outside of my body.

We continued our ride some more and in another half hour found a bike stop over where all the other motorcycles stopped to talk and take a break. As we sat down on a table sipping on our coffees we watched all the other bikers getting ready to leave, and the rush I felt inside as I watched them drive away made me crave to get on the bike again.

A small discussion went on between me and Mike and we both came to terms that it would take us another hour to get to the sea and then another hour to enjoy the beauty of nature and an hour and half to drive back. This was all going to be hard to do before sunset and therefore decided to head back into town and do this trip another day. My heart ached a bit when we decided upon that, I wanted to see the sea so badly, just to complete this wonderful feeling I had inside. I need that final closure to that wonderful ride, and the one way of feeling that and doing it was to actually be by the sea and meditate to the sound of the waves.

As we drove back, I forgot the urge to see the water and the waves and felt elated again to be on the motorcycle. The wind was getting stronger and my body felt that it would fly off the bike at any moment, but I didn’t care the least bit, I was on this bike and my soul was over joyed, I had no fears I only had an abundance of love in my heart and wanted to cherish every second of it.

What I learnt was that fear is conquerable because it is something that does not exists outside of ones mind. Those random images that kept my stomach turned over and my heart racing were only images conjured by my own mind. Once I faced my fear, came terms with it and accepted it as only a fear, I actually broke free of it. It did not exist anymore, it could not exist anymore because all those images fled away and they didn’t stop me from going ahead and doing what the “fear” tried its best to stop me from doing.

Fear froze me yet the conquering of it set me free to find a new hobby that allows my soul to drift off into wonderful realms of my true reality. Bless you Mark for the persistence on getting me on that Bike and thanks for showing me the beauty that exists outside my own mind.

For the Poem Click on ” I must admit