Relationships should have……


The most interesting part of my life has always been to take a deeper look at relationships with all their good and their bad. Strange as it may seem to everyone I have always had a desire to understand the reason behind two people choosing one another as life partners. My main question that thrives in my head upon meeting a couple has always been “So tell me your love story”. The magnitude of the question itself provokes the individuals to re-tell their story in a positive light, to take a look at how they both met through the eyes of love and not the anger they must be feeling towards one another with the passage of time.

In today’s world there are a lot of things that have changed, instead of meeting happily married couples I am meeting a lot of happily divorced people. The ease of walking out on the person you used to love to grow and find oneself has led to many divorces and break ups within families. What is happening is that both parties are finding themselves unable to cope with their new evolved reality with that one person, drifting them apart as time lapses without them being able to express what is really happening.

Yesterday I was having a very interesting conversation with a divorcee, and I have noticed that I have incorporated a new question that will provide me with a deeper understanding of human interactions in relationships. This question is “So what went wrong?”

I have always believed that communication is the number one reason why people say together or leave one another. It is still a fact, that to be able to communicate freely with someone about anything you are feeling or thinking is of vital importance and no one should be with someone that cant hear or listen to them as they speak. Open dialogue allows for an insight into the ways of the other person, and if one party denies the basic concept of communicating their feelings then the inevitable will happen; a complete separation of the heart and soul between those two people. It is or dire importance to know that people change and your partner will change as you will too. Open dialogue needs to be a constant in a couples lives for a regular update on what they are thinking of or what their new acquired likes and dislikes are.

An amazing song that I would recommend everyone to listen to is Eyes on Me by Celin Dion, its very different than her usual songs and style but the words are very direct and powerful they really express the need for tow people to keep their eyes on one another and not just settle for what they used to know. People change and what you once knew may not be what you know today.

There was something very interesting in what I learnt yesterday from the Divorcee I was sitting with yesterday. As our conversation directed itself towards relationships , divorce and what he is looking for today, I could not help but ask him “Why didn’t you guys communicate with one another? It’s the essential part of any relationship to work or fail.” I sat there anticipating his response as he tried to relate his thoughts in a more comprehensible manner. He then decides to simply tell me “communication is not everything, there is something else that is of vital importance that you cant communicate to someone, they have to feel it” i looked at him trying to make sense of what he was saying, “but in communication you can talk and discuss anything you want to, open up and see where that leads to and how it can be fixed” I look at him with total confidence knowing that I am correct in what I am saying, I mean really I have spent my whole life coming to the understanding that the super glue for two people IS communication.

The Divorcee sits back in his chair turns is his face away from mine as he continues his conversation with the void that is sitting in the empty seat in front of him “ You can’t communicate passion” he says gently. There is still some fight in me, I still don’t see how that is something that can’t be communicated, wasn’t everything through verbal communication? I persisted to hold my ground and explain that there is nothing that can’t be resolved without talking about it. It was at that moment that the Divorcee decided to give me an example of what he meant by passion and it was at that moment that I added a new criteria to my “communication” criteria but I would call it something other than “passion” cause passion is a void word that goes hand in hand with infatuation, I would call what he was trying to tell me as “Desire”.

As he gave me his examples flashes of me and MJ (Happily Ever After Story-located in the Personal Stories section) started to bombard me. Divorcee told me that you can’t force someone to hold your hand if that is what you are craving; you can’t push a person to want to touch you, caress you, hug you if it doesn’t come naturally from that person. The Desire for someone is not something you can communicate; it is a feeling that needs to be provided naturally with no effort or thought. As he started to tell me that their “passion” for one another was fading in time that the simple loving gestures were depleting although they communicated at a constant pace over what is actually taking place in their lives, he was able to show me how important it is for the “Desire” to be with someone is a non communicative emotion that comes from within a person can can’t be guided into it.

It was then and there that I understood the magnitude of what he was trying to tell me. I opened myself to understand him, allowing myself to accept this new truth that I was readily able to acquire into my mind and heart. The truth of the matter is; that a person can’t force someone to love them they way they want to be loved. Things fade in time, the desire for someone fades and the anger and distance starts to grow. I still hold complete belief that communication is the essence of all things, and who knows, maybe if both parties were courageous enough to confront the main reason for the depletion of the desire for one another they might have gotten over that bump on the road. It would have only been a bump on the road and not a mountain separating the two from one another.

In conclusion, communication and Desire need to be hand in hand in any relationship. Maintaining the physical contact bond and the understanding of the minds can work wonders for two people who have chosen to spend the rest of their lives together. The one thing I know for sure, especially after my own personal experience, that if someone does not want to hold your hand our of a natural Desire they have within them, then no amount of communication will ever be sufficient enough to make it happen. If your partner is unable to maintain the degree of physical contact that you require as an individual you will grow a slow bitterness from within wanting to mirror that person’s action towards you in self defense. We all want to keep our pride, we all want to be loved the way we know love to be and we all want to keep our bond with the person as it was from the first time we met them and chose to spend the rest of our lives with. If that person did not fulfill us in all the ways we had needed to be fulfilled then we would have never committed to them in the first place. Getting someone is easy, maintaining that bond with someone is the hardest part of a relationship yet provides the biggest reward on a daily basis for a healthy family life for all members involved.

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About Rana Zaben
I help people feel their best and create a solid second income to enjoy the best things in life.

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