Enter into Jealousy

How many times have we gotten a feeling inside and predicted it to be jealousy? A feeling that eats us up internally when our partner looks at every woman/man walking through the door, or chooses to hug someone hello instead of a polite hand shake. I am sure everyone has been or is still in a relationship where their partner decides to compliment another male/female in the presence of you, a compliment that you have either not received from your partner, or a compliment that was only dedicated to you then given to someone else with the same feelings of appreciation and glory. An internal dialogue starts to take place within you and you wonder why you are feeling so jealous?

Yes, we use “Jealous” for any hurt, agitation, or uncalled for negative emotion when our partner decides to offer extra attention to the opposite sex in which ever form that we find disrespectful to our personal feelings.

Jealous is a strong word to use for what I like to call “disrespect”. It is not that you are jealous of the person interaction with the opposite sex, it is more to do with how your paradigm of respect is evaluated in your mind. How you would do something and go about a situation at hand while still making sure that you have not, by any means, disrespected the person you are with. In doing so each person needs to understand what the boundaries of each other are, what they find respectful and what they find to be disrespectful.

I have always believed that I was a jealous person, I was told by all my boyfriends that I was, and in them assessing me the wrong way, they prided themselves in the fact that I felt so strongly about them cause I was “jealous” over them. As they would pursue the jealousy concept with me, to keep igniting their reassurance that I still had feeling for them, I would start to feel aggression growing inside, and slowly I would provoke the same emotion within them. Then the game of jealousy would start and the relationship would end in a bitter state. I would start to hurt that person back in hope of igniting the same pain I was constantly receiving from him, while he would be trying to receive loving feelings and security through provoking my jealousy.

What was really happening was not Jealousy, the reality was that I was feeling disrespected in so many ways, therefore the anger and hurt would start to grow inside. In expressing my aggression towards my partners disrespect in my presence, my partner would identify it as jealousy. A smirk and a little giggle would always go hand in hand with my verbal communication of the situation that I was uncomfortable with. Instead of being heard out properly, I was told I was jealous, making it a large part of identifying myself to the world. The truth of the matter was it was a lot simpler than that, there was no need to have anchored that particular false belief in my life for years. The truth was, I needed to be respected by a respectful person who understood how to respect themselves and their partner in the presence of others or in the presence of a conversation.

In saying all the above I need to clarify that there are basics in life for both sexes that would fall under respect and that is a polite distance from the opposite sex that is not your partner. To sit in a restaurant/club/bar facing your partner and having them check out every woman/man in the space as they neglect your emotions is of great disrespect to the person you are with. If you value someone and you have respect for them then you would not do to them what you would not allow to be done to you. Always do to others what you would like to be done to you, identify what your respect status is and its parameters. Make sure to be very open with the person your with about what you may have called today “jealousy”, explain that it is not jealousy that drives you but a lack of respect that your partner is not providing you with. Do not let the word “Jealousy” enter into your relationship, for it manifests itself in many ugly ways, allowing each party to abuse it, just to get a feeling of emotional assurance that they may be missing at the time. It is important not to allow it to control both your ability to show affection and the desired attention in the right way.

If you are still not with someone, then it is important to observe this person you are choosing to be with, does he/she respect your presence? Does he/she know his/her limits and boundaries’ with the opposite sex enough to make you feel comfortable with his/her interactions? If not, then talk openly about how yourself respect is very important and that when he/she does certain things, it makes you feel disrespected and you need to be with someone who can respect and value who he/she is with.

Take a look again at your reactions with your partner when it comes to the opposite sex. Understand where it is coming from as you look at it from a different angle. If you have no problem with him/her interacting with the opposite sex in a respectful dignified manner; then it is not jealousy, it is actually the feeling that you are not comfortable with how you are being treated. You simply feel your partner is not valuing your presence or respecting you the way you feel you deserve to be respected.

“When you go out with a guy, if he spends most of his time looking at every woman walking in and out of the door, you get angry not because you feel jealous, it’s cause you would not treat him that way, for the concept of respect, not jealousy.”

So today I have removed the embedded notion that I am a “jealous” person and have incorporated the knowledge that I am a person that values myself with great respect for who I am. I require to be respected the same way I hold great respect for the person I choose to be with.


About Rana Zaben
I help people feel their best and create a solid second income to enjoy the best things in life.

2 Responses to Enter into Jealousy

  1. Rebecca says:

    Great post. I never thought about jealousy and respect that way. Now that I think about it after reading this post, jealousy is connected more to a lack of respect than it is to anything else.

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