“Walk Out” it whispered

“Walk out” my own internal voice whispers to me in a rushed manner. “Walk out” it says again this time with a tone of panic growing inside of me. “Walk out … Walk out …. Walk out …” it would simply not give up. The interesting part about the internal voice is its amazing ability in maintaining the same level of its opening whisper like tone. My inability to do as it was asking me to do was causing a whole battle to take place within my mind, and the strain showed on my face. I wanted to get out I wanted to just leave but my respectful attitude kept me sitting there listening to the humorous words that were coming out of the mouth of my boss.

I have had numerous encounters with his deceitful ways, and I was sick of clearing up the mess he creates around me. As I sit there watching his lips move in praise of my work and who I am, all I can see are all the different ways he had tried his best to shove me under a carpet and stomp me out of the way. All his failed attempts at pushing me under the bus while he smiles in my face were rushing in the speed of light right before my eyes. I smiled, unable to be angry anymore, listening to all his promises of promoting me and giving me a raise. All the constant praises and lies that I had gotten so numb to in the last year, ever since he joined the company I worked for my, life has been a battle in keeingp my ground.

He looks at me, oblivious to the disappointment I am going through inside, and decides to change topics, it is time for him to gossip about everyone in the company and I am sitting there unable to WALK OUT. I keep a smile on my face as I pray that one of my colleagues will walk in with a work problem that they might need to solve so I can slide out of my office. As he starts his usual condemning way of laying down the dirty truth about others and disfiguring their image in front of me, I wonder how much of the same horrible things he had said about me in the past? I have learnt really well not to trust people who speak badly about someone behind their backs yet smile sweetly to their face in their presence. I had learnt it the hard way (story of “Shocking Truth”) yet today I thank God for that experience for I would have never seen all the sly ways of my boss and been able to clear them up if it weren’t for my first encounter with this type of personality.

Again the voice starts to push its way into the forefront of my thoughts “Walk out” then it repeats its self adding one extra word “JUST Walk Out”. The feeling was over powering, my mind was on full drive, my posture was takking the state of someone about to get off the chair, yet I still did not leave for guilt of embarrassing him by being rude.

I realized that he was oblivious to my well being as I was very attentive to his feelings. There was a time when I had confronted him with all his sneaky ways, I had exploded to all the concerned parties and clarified all the truths with not a single fear of the consequences. In doing so it all stopped for a month, only to return in the same mannerism with a lot more discretion from his end. I fought the little traps that were set up for me, I accepted his apologies and went back to believing it would stop and the work environment can be a peaceful place to work in. I tried my best to keep up the notion of group work, and a happy attitude to bring lightness to the taunting smiles that came my way. I was losing my will to fight; I was losing the ability to keep all my radars up 24 hours a day. I was tired, I was exhausted and all I could hear is the one true voice yelling in my head, still in a whispering tone “JUST Walk Out”.

I took a deep look at myself that day, I wondered why I was being so polite to his presence, not wanting to be rude and walk out in the middle of his conversation? Especially knowing that this was another one of his many attempts in making me believe that he is watching out for me; when the truth of the matter was actually clarified to me an hour prior to him walking into my office.

As i was about to get up and take that drastic stance my phone rang. I picked it up with urgency, complete delight that i could still maintain my polite exit without having to contribute to another confrontation that i had no energy for any more. He stared at me for a few seconds, trying to assess how long my phone call might last, then he gave up and walked out of my office towards the domain of his own office space, giving me the freedom to contemplate my upcoming move in self defence.

About Rana Zaben
I help people feel their best and create a solid second income to enjoy the best things in life.

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