To plan or not to plan…that is the question?


Every time I get sucked into believing that my life is all dependants on my own choices, I am struck by an incident that proves me wrong. I sit and stress about things in life, I make up lists of pro’s and con’s. I contemplate all the things that I should and should not do, as my brain runs a thousand miles an hour trying to figure out what the best solution is to the matter at hand. I have developed an anxiety attack caused by all the weight I carry upon myself, thinking and believing that I am the sole controller of my destiny.

 

Should I ask for a salary raise or should I not? The economy is really bad, but what I do is worth a lot more than what I am getting, therefore I should change jobs to find another company that can appreciate my value in the market, but the market is down and hardly anyone is hiring anymore………on and on it goes…….

Should I change my apartment or stay in it? I love my apartment it provides me with the utmost comfort to me, I have a view to die for and the perfect layout. But the maintenance is super bad; I wait for two months for the building to provide someone to help with my leaking ceiling. Well I fixed the ceiling, that problem is solved, still what if something else goes wrong? I gotta wait another two months to get it fixed? The apartments all over the place are going down 30% in their rent, they won’t lower the rent of my apartment, I should check out all the other apartments. All the other apartments don’t have the view I have or the perfect layout out I have. So I guess I won’t leave my apartment….but what about the empower bills that come with this type of apartment, it’s too much…..i guess I will go again and look around at different apartments that are less expensive in their electricity, A/C etc……but I love my apartment……….on and on it goes……

Should I move countries or stay here for a few more years? I love having my sister five minutes away, I can’t live without my niece and nephew….i miss the green trees and how they fall to the ground once autumn comes in to view allowing the streets to be covered with a multitude of colors. I miss the abundance of streets that I can walk on going from one shop to the next then sitting on a coffee shop watching people pass by….but I live in a place where I have access on a daily basis to sit and watch passersby with an abundance of coffee shops and a view of the sea………I miss being able to walk all over the town without needing to use a car….but can I find a job in this bad economy? I will definitely miss my sister and her kids…..but they can come visit me anytime they want… they have schools and it won’t be that often, not as often as I can see them while living just five minutes away……..on an on it goes…..

Should I take continue in this relationship or should I not? He is a lovely guy attentive, kind, loving and sweet….i am not ready to be with anyone I need to figure out if I want to live here, if I want to change jobs, if I want to move apartments. I really like how different he is than what I had met lately….ah, but there is always a down fall with men…..but so far he has been lovely….yeah but I thought the same think about my ex husband……this time I will pay more attention to things and not let anything pass….so pro’s and con’s list comes out…..he likes a type of music I hate….my ex husband liked a type of music I hated and I never paid attention to it before and he would play it really loud if I was trapped with him in a car just to piss me off…..so I guess I gotta keep dating this guy from a distance, he may use his music against me someday….oh that is such a silly thought, he is so nice……but men are all nice till they get the girl to fall for them…ok I will back out now and watch my step….i am not ready to be with anyone at all….oh how sweet he called just to check up if I was feeling better after the meeting I was dreading, he actually paid attention…….oh yeah they all do at first to get you to believe they are attentive when they really aren’t….ok, gonna take this even slower…actually gonna not see him ever again………on and on it goes……

 

Should I travel on eid or should I stay in town? Gonna make sure to travel since I have a governmental vacation coming and I should use it as an opportunity since I have no more free vacations left….crap the vacation comes in the middle of the week and I cant use the weekends to combined them and get a good week off……oh but it’s a vacation and I gotta leave town I love to travel what if I regretted it later on? Ok I can do Athens for those three days……no no no, I think I should go see my family in cairo since I miss them…hmmmm…..no I cant do family this soon I just did that and need to see Europe and smell the clean crisp air and walk down the streets and get my fill of how my heart would love to be doing……I should just stay here and work on my paintings, and all the hobbies I have no time for….no way will I do that….i think I might to Italy with my dad to the detox spa…..i need to change my eating habits and that is a good way to start….but then I need more than three days….oh and work will have a fit about that…..who cares they are not paying enough and I work like a dog…..but I can’t afford leaving so soon….i guess I will just do Athens…actually just spend some days off here….no…I think my health is very important and I will go to Italy to the detox spa…..on and on it goes

In all the scenarios above, I thought that everything was up to me to decide and to take the right action towards. I believed that I was the sole owner of my choice and the burden was huge to carry on my own. Two days ago I was given a reminder of the glory of God and that I am being taken care of and that whatever and however much I plan to do something, the only thing that will really happen is what is gonna happen no matter how much I sit and calculate it in my head. It was in the little daily things that I was shown this, and this made me realize that if I had no control over the little things in my life, how could I possibly have any control over the larger matters in my life?

I wake up on my weekend and get on the phone with a friend; we plan our day minute by minute. We will first go have a brunch at 12pm and at around 2pm we will part to run our separate errands, then at 3:30 we will meet up and go spend a few hours by the beach. My friend comes to my garage as I am getting off the phone with my sister who was having a major issue with her maid. Her husband was not in town and so she needed me there with her, she also needed a male around incase there might be any strange encounters that required a guy around. Luckily my friend was already down in his car and all the days plans never happened, the whole day was spent working out my sisters issue with the maid.

I hear of this great place to go get a massage in, I call all day to take an appointment with them and finally I do. As I head there all excited to get the best massage ever I get a phone call from them telling me that they have an inspection within the hours I am heading there and they need to reschedule. I get so disappointed and start to find days on my calendar that I am free in. I lose hope and tell them I will call them back later when I am not driving the car. As I drive down the parallel street and take a look to my right I notice an art store that supplies the canvases I have been searching for, for the last 3 months. My joy is multiplied by three as I find the closest parking spot and skip out of my car forgetting the earlier ordeal. The same money I was gonna spend in the spa I spent on the canvases I had been searching for.

Me and my friends plan a few days ahead of time to go watch “eat, pray, love” as the excitement builds up and the days get closer to the designated day. Two hours before the movie, one friend sends a message saying her daughter has a fever of 39.2 and it wont go down, so she cant go to the movies. A few minutes later two more friends call to cancel out on the movie, one having her husband have an emergency dinner meeting that she has to go with him too and the other one has got a stomach flew and is spending her evening in the bathroom. The night ended up with only me and another girl who could make the movie. We decided to leave “eat, pray, love” for another day when everyone was able to make it and decided to watch “You again”, a light hearted comedy that would start in less than twenty minutes. We both rushed down to get there on time. We find out that the timings we found on the internet were wrong and the movie still had an hour before it starts. We then decide to change the movie and watch something else, and “eat, pray, love” was screaming at us both. We both look at one another and on the spot decide to watch “You again” and enjoy the mall for an hour. My friend finds a pair of swimming suits that were 50% discounted, we go sit in a coffee shop, as we spend a wonderful hour together, as we made up for lost times. The movie turned out to be the best thing we did, and it was even better that the rest of our friends cancelled out since we both noticed that we had been wanting to spend quality time together for a long, long while and never found the chance to do it.

When those little things happen in life, it gives me the knowledge that I really have no control over things in my life, cause what will happen will always end up happening no matter how much I thoughts and plans I put into it, or how little I put into it. The best thing will always come my way, even if I thought that I planned for my best thing and I am utterly disappointed that what I thought is best for me never happened.

So today…or at least for the next week, I will remember all the things in my life that took place regardless of how much time and energy I spent planning for them. I will remember that I am allowed to think of things, and try and figure out the best strategy for me, but I will always remember that there is no need for me to stress over it, cause it is really all destiny after all.

 

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About Rana Zaben
I help people feel their best and create a solid second income to enjoy the best things in life.

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