My ruling planet is Guilt

I have eight hours left to go to the airport and I have a million and one things to finish off before I travel. My body is on an adrenalin rush needing to finish off all the pending issues that I have all over my desk at work. Naturally the time I need with the paper work load is not enough with all the people walking in and out of my office requiring an immediate approval or problem solving issue to be handled on the spot. The coffee has gotten cold, I had merely taken a sip or two three hours ago, and this realization had come into it’s full fruition when I tried to take a sip of it as I typed away at my keyboard. I have phosteds all over my computer screen reminding me of all the things I have yet to do and I start to panic. I need to be out of here in six hours, I have not packed my suitcase yet, I have a guy coming over to my apartment to fix a leakage in the bathroom, I have to rush to the bank to deposit a check that has been laying on my coffee table for the last two weeks and I have to buy my mom her long awaited for scented candles to take with me. I have to buy a toys for my nieces and nephews and I promised my brother to get him Dexter season 3, which requires me to call the Chinese DVD guy to come to my house for me to purchase them from him. Can I fit all this in six hours? Only if I plan things correctly and efficiently will I be able to do all this and still have time to take a quick shower.

My phone rings, and it’s a friend from out of town, she heard I was coming and decided to request something of me, knowing that I only have five hours left for my flight. The request is simple, but the time I have left is not, I can’t afford to do it for her, it is completely out of the question and out of my way. I listen attentively to her deep need for this camera that she is hoping I find in Dubai, my hands are starting to sweat, my body is starting to tense up as I add a new errand to my list of things to do four hours before I have to head off to the airport. I am unable to say “no” to her, although I expressed the deep stress I am under and the lack of time I have, I am still unable to simply say “no, I am sorry, but I really can’t, I have no time at all.” I cancel out on taking my shower and I decide to go to the bank to deposit my check once I get back. I have dodged the important things that I had to do for myself and prioritized others, not so urgent, requests of me and my time.

Yes, I do confess that I am a Sagittarius with my ruling planet being Guilt. According to the Wikipedia the word guilt in psychology, as well as in ordinary language is:

1-      Guilt is an affective state in which one experiences conflict at having done something that one believes one should not have done or conversely, having not done something one believes one should have done.

2-      Guilt is a cognitive or an emotional experience that occurs when a person realizes or believes—accurately or not—that he or she has violated a moral standard, and bears significant responsibility for that violation.

3-      The state of having committed an offense

In knowing the precise definition of my ruling planet, I am yet to figure out how I could have possibly acquired, by my own will, the feeling that I have “violated a moral standard” or “committed an offense”. When did I turn around and make the guilt of saying “no, I can’t” be associated with committing an offense?? Should it not be the other way around? In which the other party, requesting the unreasonable, feels the guilt for inconveniencing my time?

I felt guilty because my friend sounded desperate, yet the object of desperation held no immediate need to be purchased. Unlike the desperate importance of having to purchase a medication for a very ill person where I was the only one able to find it in the country I resided in. And yet, with all the knowledge that I have about my guilt, I am still unable to put my needs and wants first, the ability of not fulfilling someone else’s whims are lost to me. In doing, so I have procrastinated a thousand things that I could have done for myself when I needed it to be done.

There are times where I just want to sit at home and contemplate a thought, paint a canvas, read a new book, listen to music, search the web or start writing the first chapter of my book. In all these cases I am filtered with guilt at the thought that I may prefer doing all those things instead of going out to dinner with a friend cause she is in the mood to be out, or purchase an item at the mall for someone that has no time to do it themselves, or make a few phone calls on behalf of someone else cause they lack the ability to make that call themselves. It has even reached the extent of changing my own holiday plans to a destination I don’t want to be in just to please someone else’s constant need for my presence in a constant cycle of futile problems. You would think my guilt arose out of a true reason to feel guilt, like tripping someone as they walk, putting gum in your sisters hair, putting your bill on the table sitting next to you, crashing your friends car the list can go on…but not for putting your needs first.

Guilt for nothing is useless, it eats up a lot of time and effort that could be put into something more fruitful and beneficial to a long term plan you have made for yourself. Guilt is like large ditch on the road, slowing down the natural speed of the vehicle that is meant to take you from point A to point B. it makes you detour from your own organized path to fulfill someone else’s path as they continue driving from their point A to their point B with no ditches to procrastinate their reaching point B and moving on to point C with ease.

It’s a work in progress to be able to incorporate the word “No” into my dictionary, for hopes of finally being able to reach my point B and start planning for my point C.

About Rana Zaben
I help people feel their best and create a solid second income to enjoy the best things in life.

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