Empower your innerself with this…..


 
 

                                                                                                                                                                                                     

Three years ago, when life was still a blossom of hope and love, I had a set belief that women were strong enough to walk out on any man if they were not treated with utmost respect and compassion. Friends who would complain to me about their boyfriends were given a long lasting lecture about the rights of women and how we are mistreated in the world we live in today. It was always easy for me to walk out of a relationship if I felt discomfort or mistreatment in any form. Yes, I had a little bit of patience, therefore having the ability to forego my initial assessment of the guy and try different ways to believe that he was “The One”. This endeavor would last no more than 3 months.

Usually after the first three weeks I would had already known that the person I am seeing at the time is not right for me, but ,as you already know, I hardly ever followed my gut feelings and always resorted to my mental assessment of maybes. As this is the way I work around things, I then spend a good two months or less trying my utmost best to convince myself that I am with the right person, catching glimpses of things I liked in them and trying my best to discard of all the things I disliked about him. My friends would reprimand me telling me “You just stay with them even though you know that they are not the ones for you. Why do you do that?” as I try to explain my well calculated logic to them, which always includes self blame, they continue to believe that I have an amazing tolerance for something I know that I don’t want. What they never knew was that I have an ailment which I like to call “Guilt” (read post: My ruling planet is guilt) and something else that I never knew I had was; lack of self confidence in following my inner knowing.  I prolong the breakup until I reach my limits and always tend to walk out with an explosion of words that I was unable to say at the time it was most needed. The one thing that they never really paid close attention to was the fact that I was out of there within the span of three months, making it obvious to all that my patience level is pretty short, but my official walk out on the relationship takes pretty long.

In saying all that and explaining my lack of acceptance of a female being destroyed by her male partner, I came across a song that empowered me when I needed reinforcement and external support for my inner knowing. I used to blast this song, like every song I get obsessed with, in the car, at home, in my ears through the iPod. This song would surround me, and I would offer it to the man to listen to a week before I was at the brink of walk out on him.

 As I sat in my crisp clean apartment, watching the snow trickle past my window I pick up the phone after the second ring. It was one of my best friends that lived in the states and our phone calls were a constant remedy of comfort to the both of us. She complained about the man she was dating at the time, she was horrified at her lack of taking a stand for her natural human rights. The phone call lasted two hours filled with all the right emotions leading to a breakup. First came the complaints as the stories splurged out of her then confusion took over with a variety of questions, as reality starts to slowly seeps its way into the conversation the hurdles of tears take over. Once the tears end and the sniffling begins a harsh aggressiveness grabs hold of her voice as she swears at him and confirms that she is gonna give it one more try with the new methods we just discussed over the phone. Towards the end of the conversation the melt down begins and an assertion that she must leave him becomes her new reality. Right before we shut the phone I ask her to listen to a song that will empower her in maintaining her new resolution and keep her on track of what she is worth.

A few months later she had left her man and I had started dating MJ (read Post: Happily Ever After). MJ lived in New Jersey and I was living in Montreal at the time, so our relationship during the week was based on an abundance of phone calls that usually lasted no less than six hours in the span of a day. At the very early stages of our romantic venture we discussed our personal relationship hardships. Since our phone calls always lasted so long a week into our long distance relationship MJ discussed the hardship one of his girl colleagues was having with her boyfriend at the time. He told me about how mistreated she was, that she was being used for sex and nothing else, how he tried to talk sense into her for months but it was useless she was madly in love with him although it was obvious to all that he didn’t love her. He told me how she would cry at work explaining her boyfriends misconduct with her, she told him how she would cry to him and he would always say “I am sorry” and yet nothing would come out of it. We discussed her at random for a good few days after that. I felt so sorry for her, but I also lost respect for her, I lost respect for a woman I never met before having no understanding to the fact that she was being abused. I wanted her to get out of that horrible relationship, I wanted her to walk out on him and find someone who deserved her.  During the last conversation we ever had of her, I told MJ to let her hear a song that will allow her to remember her importance. To stop listening to void promises, to just walk out, to not want to hear his pleading cries of a new change in attitude when it was obvious that it will never happen. I was told by MJ that he told her about the song, but as I have yet to see any honesty being a part of MJ’s reality, I doubt that he ever gave her the song to listen to.

Another R Young painting

Sadly enough the day came when I needed that song more than anything in the world. I heard it every time I would get a glimpse of how unfortunate my future might look if I stay with MJ. With horror I was starting to understand where all those girls were coming from. The confusion in trying to find the reality of my situation as opposed to the illusion I have been hypnotized to believe in were making me unable to take an assertive decision. Unlike any of my other relationships, I was still confused three months into the relationship. It felt like I was under a drug of some sort, a delusional drug. Or maybe it felt like someone was purposefully putting rat poison in my food in small dosages to kill all my internal functions numbing me of any ability to retaliate and figure out what was really happening. The days where the rat poison was forgotten and not administered into my food intake; I would blast this song, and scream at the top of my lunges at the injustice that was taking place in my life. Other times I would play it for MJ, screaming out the words to him, unknowingly waking him up to the fact that he had forgotten to administer his daily dosage of rat poison therefore giving me double the dosage to make me drift back into the numbness I had gotten so used to living with. This song had worked for most of the women once they heard it, what I couldn’t understand was why the song was not working for me! Today I am able to admit that the mental and emotional abuse I withstood was way above the average abuse most women had lived through, at the time all I felt was remorse for all the times I judged those women for being weak. I still feel remorse towards them but extremely happy that at the time when I was fully in control of my heart and my mind I was able to help them walk out on something that could have destroyed them forever.

I had never tasted the soul tearing anguish of heartbreaking tears before; I was one to pride myself on the strength I possessed at leaving behind a relationship with no regrets. With MJ everything changed and the little hope I had in myself vanished with all my confidence and philosophies on life. I had a few other songs that I had used as my mantra that also withered with time and I lost the ability to hear them making me remorse my old self because I was too ashamed to hear them with the same conviction I used to hear them before.

A year later, when the rat poison started to show itself in all the foods I was fed and MJ was becoming reckless with his long term plan for me, i started to listen to that song again. I had an array of songs that I started to listen to again, and I tried my utmost best to regain the memory of who I used to be before MJ. The entirety of the song were words I wished to say to him, I wished to say them with the same indifference in my voice, I wished to spew them out of my gut and lavish him in them. I was able to relate to every single word and I wanted nothing more in my life than to gain the full ability to walk out on MJ with none of my guilt issues that he had fed lovingly throughout the year.

This is the song that I dedicate to any woman who feels that she is being treated unfairly by her man. This is a song that should bring a beam of light at the end of the tunnel, it should make every woman aware that we all have had a bad man in our lives and a lot of women were as strong as the words of this song to simply walk out. You should know that you are as strong as all those powerful women and have the full ability to walk out to on anything that could be causing you a molecule of pain to your dignity, mind and heart.

Click this if you want it: Sorry
Je suis désolée
Lo siento
Ik ben droevig
Sono spiacente
Perdóname
I’ve heard it all before
I’ve heard it all before
I’ve heard it all before
I’ve heard it all before
[repeat]
I don’t wanna hear, I don’t wanna know
Please don’t say you’re sorry
I’ve heard it all before
And I can take care of myself
I don’t wanna hear, I don’t wanna know
Please don’t say ‘Forgive me’
I’ve seen it all before
And I can’t take it anymore
You’re not half the man you think you are
Save your words because you’ve gone too far
I’ve listened to your lies and all your stories (Listened to your stories)
You’re not half the man you’d like to be

I don’t wanna hear, I don’t wanna know
Please don’t say you’re sorry
I’ve heard it all before
And I can take care of myself
I don’t wanna hear, I don’t wanna know
Please don’t say ‘Forgive me’
I’ve seen it all before
And I can’t take it anymore

Don’t explain yourself ’cause talk is cheap
There’s more important things than hearing you speak
You stayed because I made it so convenient (made it so convenient)
Don’t explain yourself, you’ll never see

Gomen nasais [Japanese. English translation: “I am sorry”]
Mujhe maaf kardo [Hindi. English translation: “Please forgive me”]
Przepraszam [Polish. English translation: “I’m sorry”]
Sli’kha [Hebrew. English translation: “Forgive me”]
Forgive me…

(Sorry, sorry, sorry)
I’ve heard it all before
I’ve heard it all before
I’ve heard it all before
[repeat]

I don’t wanna hear, I don’t wanna know
Please don’t say you’re sorry
I’ve heard it all before
And I can take care of myself
I don’t wanna hear, I don’t wanna know
Please don’t say ‘forgive me’
I’ve seen it all before
And I can’t take it anymore

I don’t wanna hear, I don’t wanna know
Please don’t say you’re sorry
(Don’t explain yourself cause talk is cheap)
I’ve heard it all before, And I can take care of myself
(There’s more important things than hearing you speak)
I don’t wanna hear, I don’t wanna know
Please don’t say ‘forgive me’

I’ve heard it all before
I’ve heard it all before
I’ve heard it all before
I’ve heard it all before

Advertisements

About Rana Zaben
I help people feel their best and create a solid second income to enjoy the best things in life.

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s

%d bloggers like this: