Boundaries of self worth


What is the purpose of our self worth if it is not to figure out where our worth is? How are we to be valued by others if we have no value for ourselves? Sadly enough the only way that we will ever learn what our worth is will always be through an experience that allows us to see it. Mine came in different packages for different aspects of my life and how I value and see myself today is completely different than how I saw myself before my experiences.

After MJ (blog story: Happily Ever After) my ex husband it took me some time to learn myself worth, I didn’t know what my boundaries were, I knew what they were for others but I was never put in a situation where I had to start my own boundary list. Not to say that I didn’t have boundaries before hand, but I have to admit they were frivolous in comparison to the ones I hold dear to my heart today. What happened through that very painful experience was that i come to the realization that I didn’t really have the “what is allowed” and “what is not allowed” lines high enough on my list. I had the basic list which contained the following:

-Respect of my time and of me

-Not to ogle women when sitting with me

-Not to use swear words in my presence

-To enjoy the things I enjoyed

-To be loved unconditionally by my man

-To have an abundance of romance

-To start from zero financially with a man be his supporting woman

-To travel the world with my man

-To have a loving relationship and family with my man

-Great communication between me and my man

Now that I look at what I just wrote, and how frivolous that list was I am not surprised that I allowed certain things to pass me by. I allowed unacceptable things to happen to me which I never thought were possible to happen to me, I mean, they happened to other people and I was the voice of reason for all those other people, but not the voice of reason for myself. In my head and in my heart I was on a different platform from everyone else and I was pleased that my list was so simple unlike the other women that were looking for money or power or even just sex in a future spouse. In my mind all I wanted was simple things, and therefore I allowed for so much to take place cause my boundary line was so low. Today my list constitutes of way more than just ten things. My list is full to the brim and there is nothing that I can accept below that line.

For example “Great communication between me and my man” has been modified to look more like this:

“To be able to talk about everything on my mind and his mind to one another with no fear of the other person feeling misunderstood. To discuss the good and the bad with an open mind and heart that each person wants to make this relationship work. To communicate our sexual preferences openly and freely with one another, with my preferences also taken into consideration not only his. For us to be able to pick up the phone at any random time to talk about something with no pre-calculation of the correct number of calls to be made. To enjoy one another’s company cause the conversations are fruitful. For him to be my best friend when I need to talk to someone he is the first one I turn to knowing I am trust in him really listening to me and providing me with what I need. Our conversation is based on respect of one another’s thoughts and ideologies. We are both concerned with one another’s personal growth and therefore that is enough proof of our love for one another.” This can go on and on, only in the communication department. I never put the line thick enough or high enough, I basically just thought that everyone communicates well together but great communication to me also included great fights. If we knew how to fight well scream and kick we were communicating…isn’t that what relationships came with? So when it would get into screaming fits or rude words I never walked off, I just stayed assuming that was part of the Great communication package. Sadly it is not, cause once the voice gets too loud, or the words get ugly when ur trying to voice an emotional pain to your partner and he is not listening or understanding your pain,that is the time to walk away from the relationship. That is when it is clear that there is a huge hole in the communication department and nothing will be able to change that no matter how many years you try to make your partner understand your pain. That very first argument, that very first voice of anger that comes creeping in at the very beginning of the relationship is a peak preview into your future with that person. Pay attention to how it is being handled, listen and watch and if you have a great boundary line already set up for yourself-respect and self-value, you will know that it is time to stand up, and walk away.

This goes for every department in a persons life, there are those who are willing to take other peoples ugly nature and there are those who refuse to have others treat them badly, be the person that refuses to be treated badly cause you love yourself too much and anyone in your life should love you the way you love yourself and nothing less than that.

Use the ugly relationships to your advantage, grow that list, help yourself be the person you want to be, give others the opportunity to treat you the way you deserve to be treated…..with nothing less than respect.

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About Rana Zaben
I help people feel their best and create a solid second income to enjoy the best things in life.

2 Responses to Boundaries of self worth

  1. Ashraf Sarhan says:

    When we are talking about emotions, behaviors, feelings, human relationships;

    I would prefer to always keep the shape open for other’s experiences to add to the story.
    so i would use; It seems, it looks, i think, probably – but am never so sure.

    for i think that what we now considering as wisdom and better knowledge of ourselves and the others, is
    not going to last for long if we seriously & actually kept our minds and lives open for add ups.

    from my point of view, it is not possible in any relationship for anybody to present two major roles of the play.

    A boyfriend or a husband, a girlfriend or wife can not be the best friend to his/her partner, but can be a good friend.
    A best friend can not be the best lover to the same person although they might try and get intimate for a short while until they decide to sacrifice one of the roles for the sake of the other.

    It seems that humans can develop, create & invent so many things, but not endlessly.

    some of the forms they have crated become so solid that they can’t change;
    like a friendship figure, father & mother figures, a spouse figure.

    Finally, my comment is;
    the way you described the developed communication term, went out of communication frame into something else, something much bigger.

    • Hi Ashraf,
      I thank you for your insightful comment, and enjoyed reading it. I personally believe that best friend and spouse co-exist as one unity. It is our understanding of it that has put a differentiation between them, giving each term a different role. A mother or father or a sibling can also be your best friend. In my case my siblings are both my best friends. So i believe the same lies true with spouses since i have seen several throughout my life.

      As for your final comment, your right, my description of communication terms became much bigger than what is identified to all as communication. In reality it is as large as the word comprises of. It’s the freedom and ease to speak to someone knowing that there are no threatening repercussions to watch out for.

      In regards to the writing method i use, well, i have always found it very helpful to me when someone would give me advice that comes with a real life example. Therefore i write in the same method that i feel that i would understand best. your right, everyone is entitled to grow and never think that they have reached their ultimate goals in life, but there are times where you find one solid ground of information that becomes a stepping stone into a new realization and a new lesson to be learnt. Once you keep re-learning the same thing over and over again then there is no place for the start of a new learning to take place.

      This was insightful to read……and mind provoking….

      Lots of loving wishes and light
      Rain 🙂

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