Trust in Alex -part 6

Not long after that encounter I slid into an unbelievable sadness internally. The whole conversation that was carried out that day was enough to make me wanna emasculate every male within arms reach.

There was nothing that I could say or do, I was getting the inside scoop from a man and it seems that men had figured out ways to lie so easily and find no reason to stay faithful. I lost hope in the ugliest of ways making me stare at every passing man at work and wonder what his intentions were and who they are sleeping with behind their wives back. My sister was the first one I called up a few days after my conversation with Alex, I need someone to band aid my pink bubble actually I need to find the remains of the pink bubble to be able to band aid it back together again. My loving sister who is married with two kids calmed me down as much as she could possibly have, being a girl herself I didn’t believe she was in on the male secret either and I felt like I was the only one who got to know the ins and outs of what was really taking place in the male mind.

Since I was wide eyed for weeks later and skeptical I actually started to notice that his words were true. I was out on a date one night in a lounge with a singer and people drinking, having fun and dancing at own free will. As I swayed to the music lip singing along with the words of the song “Hey Jude” a large British man came to stand and talk to me and my date. He was obviously drunk and was spitting his words out to us. We laughed at him, but I kept my eye on him as he moved a few inches away from us. I noticed a woman walking up to him slamming her body against his as her hands rubbed up and down his pants. So I thought “how cute love birds.” The next minute i find British guy making a  phone call and a few seconds later  screaming into it “Hi baby, I love you………yes I am out with the guys……..yeah they are singing our song…….” Then he lifts his arm up in the air, phone in hand and starts to yell to everyone in the bar “THIS IS MY WIFE ON THE PHONE….EVERYONE SAY HI TO HER…IT IS MY BIRTHDAY TODAY AND I COULDN’T BE WTH HER CAUSE I AM ON A BUISNESS TRIP” he puts the phone back on his ear to continue to scream words of love to her as the girl that threw herself on him continued to rub him up and down, rotate around him as her body stuck to his, sliding up and down his legs and kissing him on the lips. He didn’t stop her; he kissed back and with his free hand rubbed back. So yes, I had proof that Alex had been right this whole time. This man’s wife trusted that he was having a good time with his buddies; little did she know that he was being rubbed up against and kissed as she was on the phone with him. Needless to say my dates ended pretty fast.

In the months that followed I saw Alex rarely and I was glad of it. His wife delivered their second baby and now they both had to work hard to manage the house and two screaming children. I know that Alex stopped telling me anything after that day because one day when he did come over to my site office he disclosed to me that as he was on his face book  his wife went into his inbox and read a message between him and this girl that made her fly off the handle. I felt a bit of joy internally as I heard him tell me that; hoping that she finally saw him for who he truly was. Sadly that was not the case; he continued to explain to me how he sweet talked her into not believing what she read. He said he took her out for a romantic dinner, bought her a gift and all was well and done, he never left messages in his in box again. I resorted to never speak of relationships with Alex again after that, especially that the very last thing that was said to me on that awkward day was “ Rain if you don’t believe me, then I want you to do one thing for me. Whenever you date someone who is a potential long term guy bring him to me, lets go out together I will get a few of my girlfriends with me and I will test him for you, I will prove to you that in no time he will flirt and be ready to have sex with one of my girlfriends. But don’t worry I wont let him, all I will do is tell one of my girlfriends to send him a discreet message, flirt with him a bit on the table, give him hope of being open to sleep with him and have you watch how he starts reacting to that. I am gonna do this to help you see the truth.” I told him no thanks, I was not interested in that type of test and it ended at that.

Alex and his wife are still together, I don’t know much about what has been going on, Alex has been trying to show me how busy he has been caring for her and his two kids, and I am not interested to hear anything more about it. In a strange way Alex was the one who prompted me to write his story, I had asked him several times if he is sure he wants me to do that, and he insisted on me going ahead and writing it. So here it is, his story and in hopes that for any women who is actually in such a relationship to know that her gut feelings are correct even if she is unable to find the proof cause her partner is a pro at hiding it. I still believe there are good men out there, there must be, there are men who are decent who hold high respect for women and respect for themselves.

Life is interesting, relationships are interesting but i  believe in honesty, if a couple want to go ahead and venture into an experimental world together i have to admit i hold no skepticism in that regard, but once there is cheating which naturally involes lying then i hold a great disrespect for that person especially if it is something they hold proudly in their belt of accomplishments and have no regrets only pleasure that they have gotten away with it again.



Trust in Alex-Part 5

Part 5

A laugh came bursting out of him and his stories started to descend upon me one brick at a time. “Oh Rain….really you think by being with him every day he wont cheat on you, trust me he will find a way. He will cheat at work with someone willing to pull down her pants for a few minutes of ecstasy. Yes it takes a few minutes if you really wanna get it” he continues to laugh making me feel like a fool in more ways than one. I protest against his persistence of making me believe that there is no hope in a faithful relationship. “No, that is not true” I argue “It cant be true” but now I am a bit shaken by the thought of it and he continues “If your husband tells you he is late at work, how do you trust he is not screwing his colleague instead of the meeting he told you he has to attend? When he travels on those supposed business trips, spending so much time alone in a hotel room how do you know he is not getting laid on those lonely nights? You are gonna be there at work with him too? Will you travel on all his business trips? What if you cant? Your sick? Your pregnant? Your not in the mood? You have a deadline at work?. Then what? Can you trust that he is faithful? Never…..listen to me, I want you to face up to the reality of life, so that when you end up meeting your soul mate you are not traumatized by these facts that will undoubtedly happen to you.”

As my resistance starts getting weaker I voice out slowly and more to myself than to him “But we will be in love and he will be so sexually satisfied with only having me as a partner.” He naturally had a ready response to my unsaid words “I didn’t say anything about love, I said he will cheat and you have to accept it. I love my wife to death, but I cheat all the time. There are times where I call up one of my friends on my lunch break and we meet up in the hotel next door, have sex and we both go back to work. Its normal, everyone does it, no one talks about it though. No one will admit to you what I am admitting to you know, the truth.” He gets up to stretch and stays standing as he says “Another thing you should know, even if he doesn’t stay late at work or travel for work or goes out for his lunch breaks he can do it in the office. Under the stair case, in the bathroom, in the store room nothing stops men, it’s in their nature and they will always do it. So what are you gonna do now? Get shocked when your older and married to a man believing he doesn’t cheat or accept that he does and just live with it?”

Again I tired to fight his theory by saying “I am older today, I won’t go for someone who has not enjoyed their life to the extreme, I will be with someone who has done it all and is ready for a family and a clean decent life with me, a friend a partner” to my dismay Alex responds with “And then one day you turn fifty and find out he has been having sex the whole time but your already in your fifities too but the only difference is you’re a woman and what used to be perky is now sagging down to your knees and what used to be sexy is revolting and you want to have an affair just to hurt him but there is no one to sleep with cause you have lost all your elasticity and the opportunity to use your young body right.”

This was getting too far. I didn’t want to believe that I would want to adamantly cheat on my spouse, I didn’t want to know how old and disgusting I will look the day I find out how often my partner cheated on me. So I maneuvered the topic around by asking him “so you have only ever cheated on your wife? Right? Or have you cheated on all your girlfriends before?” Alex smiles and says “of course I had cheated on my girlfriends, some of them knew and some of them didn’t, but of course I did and as it so happens I would sometimes cheat on them while I was at work.”

I decided to shut my mouth and just pretend I had gone dumb. Alex had a determination unlike any I had ever known, he wanted to make me see the light, he wanted to wake me up to reality, he wanted to shock me into reality. “I don’t find what I do or done wrong since the whole world does it, actually I am a very nice guy inside and have great respect for women.” That is when a new tale came my way, a bomb of a tale.

“Let me tell you a few stories just to prove to you that I am really a good guy and not the horrible man you seem to think I am. As the thing you need to know, i never make the first move, they always do and i simply comply. So it is not me, it is the women”.

I have a best friend who is married to one of my friends, but she is more my friend than he is. Anyway they have two kids and don’t live here. We have been friends forever and never once did we sleep with one another, although I am sure there was some sort of attraction we never took it there. So one day I find out that her husband is cheating on her and I feel bad for her, I mean she is a mother and loves her husband but she still had no idea. Now somehow she ended up finding out and called me immediately after to tell me and cry over the phone. My wife at the time was out of town and so I invited her to come stay with me for a few days and get away from her husband and kids for a mental break. The plan went through and she actually came to visit and stayed with me for a few days. As you should know we were used to sleeping next to one another in the past but nothing ever happened between us we really were just great friends. So on her visit to me we naturally maintained the coziness of our friendship until one of those nights she was crying so much and completely devastated by her husband’s cheating, to console her we ended up sleeping together.” My mouth dropped at that point, I thought he was trying to show me that he is a good guy after all? What the hell happened there? So I sarcastically say “you cant even maintain a long friendship with a female without sleeping with her at some point in your life? Why the hell would you do something like that? She was still married and for God’s sake so were you. And in your house?????”

Alex had no inhibitions on that strange day, nothing made him stop not even shame of my constant shocked looking state. So he went on to explain what he meant by a good guy “We never did it again after that one time, she felt better after cheating on her husband and with all honesty I felt guilty after that cause as I got out of the shower I found her sitting on my lap top chatting with her kids with such love. I could not do that to her again. So we decided to maintain the friendship as it is.” So that was Alex being decent, God I laughed, I laughed and laughed at that. Was this guy for real?

I then explained to him that I don’t take sex so lightly that it is a special thing to give your body to someone in that way, that if you cant value your body then no one else would. And why should every other guy know exactly how my body looks and reacts to ecstasy? I believe that it is a very private special thing that only belongs to the one you love and choose to spend the rest of your life with, not every passing body is mine to have lustfully allowing for it to be touched by so many people with no regard to the sanctuary of it being my temple to care for and protect.

I looked at the little table that my arm was resting on and found that my pack of cigarettes had finished, surprised I took a look at the ashtray and realized it was filled to the brim, a whole pack worthy of smokes were piled up in a disgusting display of ashes and burned out paper. Since my trauma was so intense I called the office boy to go get me another pack of cigarettes ASAP.

What followed was heartfelt advice from Alex to me “Rain, you need to have sex all the time? Your young, your fit, your free, you should go around and enjoy every minute of it before it gets too late. Your gonna keep waiting for your soul mate to come, who will undoubtedly cheat on you and then you will regret everyday that passed of your youth not exploring sex with all different kinds of men. You will hate your life when the day comes and your too old to do anything about it. Believe me your future husband will cheat on you and you may find out when your sixty or seventy and feel like an idiot for having been faithful to him all those years when he was unfaithful all along.” I look at him shocked and say angrily to him “I would never cheat on my partner are you MAD!!” after knowing that he provoked he resolved to another solution for my lack of sex and my adamant belief that my future spouse would not cheat on me. Alex gave me a new plan “look, I know this amazing beach in Europe, it is a nudes beach. It is divided into section according to your status. There is a section for couples, one for singles and anther for gays and lesbians, I recommend you to go there into the singles area and see what happens around you. Everyone is naked and having sex with everyone at random, there is no shame in it and it expands your sexual horizon, no one will know. I went there with my wife when we were just dating at the time, but we went to the couples beach. At first it was strange to see so many naked people having sex all over the place, switching partners with not a care in the world. Later on we got into the groove of things and it felt like the most normal place to be in. I chose a partner for my wife(I made sure he was the ugliest one around) and she chose one for me, which also seemed to be the lesser attractive of the bunch. It opened our horizons to life and I would recommend it to anyone I know.”

I thought to myself “Did he hear nothing of what I said about my body being a temple???? Was he honestly advising me to go to a nude beach and have sex with a bunch of different men all in the span of a day?” I started to get up to walk away, my heart was aching and I felt sick inside I took a look at him and asked “So you have no problem if your wife is cheating on you too or that she is having sex with a whole bunch of different men in your presence?”

Alex then explained how he would have a problem with it naturally but at least when he was in charge of picking the guy and she was doing it in front of him it was not cheating. None of it made sense to me, yes I knew there were people who enjoyed sex with several people all at one time, and others that enjoyed switching partners, I knew a couple like that years ago, but I never understood it then and I was damned if I could understand it now. Then he explained to me that he was sure his wife was not cheating on him, but even if she was it was ok not a big deal, its human nature.

I thought to myself at that point, and wondered about the possibilities of his wife not really caring what her husband did. IF there came a point in her life while they were dating that they went on a sexual excursion on a beach that was their prerogative and in knowing that i started to wonder if maybe she was cheating on him too since they were both sexually open and experimental. Then i remembered the day i met her for the first time and the sadness i felt within her, and i realized that it was not because she knew anything about her husband or was busy cheating it was because she found out she was pregnant again for the second time a few months after giving birth to their first son and she couldnt handle it.

To be continued………

Trust in Alex – Part 4

Life continues in the same way it always had, work, home, an outing and home again. In between all of that I took a break from meeting men or even dating anyone, I had no will power to sit and decode what a man was all about and was not ready to face the disappointments I was sure I was bound to find.

A few months after my revelation and some random polite coffee drinks with Alex at work, I resolved to forgetting all I heard from Alex that dreadful day and move on with life. We start to talk as friends again but this time around I had no misconception of who he really was and his complaints about his wife were starting to show more than before. I listened to him when he needed to talk but I had zero sympathy inside me towards him, I just listened and would throw a comment here and there which I think he chose to ignore. I started to stare at all men in a different way, expecting each and every one of them to be a cheating bastard too. My friends noticed my aggression towards men in those few months and resolved to talking to me about it, I told them the story and in return they told me that not all men are like that. Since I wanted and needed hope in believing in men again I chose to believe them therefore making it easier for me to be-friend guys again without the skepticism I had grown accustomed to.

In the mean time when Alex would join me for a cup of coffee at work we kept the conversations light hearted, all jokes and laughter and in time I lost my anger towards him but not my disappointment in him. Then one day as we were sucking the living lights out of our cigarettes he tell me “Did you know that my wife was very skeptical of you and was wondering who you were? That is why I made us all meet for coffee I wanted her to see that you were really only a friend and there was no threat.” I looked at him then and I took another long drag from my cigarette, puffed it out and said “So why didn’t you tell me that before? I would hate for any woman to feel threatened by me over her man, I would have put in a larger effort to continue calling her and comforting her.” I was agitated by what I just heard and it showed on my tone of voice.

“I didn’t want you to feel strange, my wife is a jealous person, that is all.” He said casually making it seem like its not a big deal. So I asked “You told me that she trusts you and that she knows you have a ton of girlfriends and she liked me.” I paused then continued “So did she know I went out for lunch with you and your secret sex buddy that day? Or did she not know?” I was starting to get worried, I didn’t want to be a part of any of his lies and if that were the case I would make sure never to talk to him again, this was definitely not a place I ever wanted to put myself in.

“She didn’t know about Sue, but she knew you were joining us on our outing, but to be honest she was not to happy with it and she started to ask me questions about our relationship with one another. Don’t worry I told her we were friends at work and you wanted to meet new people, and she was fine with it after that.”

Oh God the whole time I had that gut feeling telling me not to go was right all along, I shouldn’t have and I knew better than to go. I could not believe that she felt threatened by me in any way and actually questioned why I was going out with her husband. This was getting ugly in my head, but I was the one to blame, I actually went out to that lunch and ever since then I was unable to call Julie knowing that I know a secret about her husband that she didn’t know would have been murder to deal with. I swore to never go out with her husband unless she was around or I had a boyfriend that I would tag along, not that I ever really wanted to go out again with her husband and his friends. I not one to observe cheaters and maintain staying in the same vicinity as them.

So at that point I knew a secret I could not tell and I was never gonna be able to site with Julie knowing what her marriage state was really like. So I never called her again or even tried, I stayed away in fear of what I would say in her presence that would destroy her imaginary lovely marriage. The days continued and life went on, Alex was not constantly over at our site office but other friends were there and so my mind would enjoy the different topics I would hold with other people away from the trauma I had experienced with Alex’s choice of life style.

Eleven months passed since the first time I ever met Alex and I had not gone out with him or his friends ever again since my last experience. But we had a good friendship at work and he truly was a very funny person to hang out with. Until one day he asked me how my love life was like and I told him that there was nothing to it, a few dates here and there but nothing more than a few drinks and dinner and then I would lose interest through utmost bordom with the guy. I confessed to him that after I knew his story and his ways with his wife it was very hard to trust a man ever again. In the same breath I explained to him my soul mate theory and told him that I truly believe there is this one perfect man out there for me who will be my right fit and with full assurance told him that he would never cheat on me. We would be friends and partners, we would be able to talk about everything and anything, that there would be romance on beaches and loyalty towards one another without a doubt in out minds or hearts. I explained all the dreams i held on to the romantic images i believed in and most of all i persisted on mentioning loyalty as a fact that i could not live without. Lo and behold, that last straw of hope I ever had came crashing down upon me like a sledge hammer banging its self upon my head until I was left with nothing but a few strands of hair left on my bleeding skull as Alex started to talk.

I wish I had never answered his question that God forsaken day, I wish I just ignored it and said the typical response “I am not ready for a relationship. Men suck” it would have been simpler and would have ended that whole entire subject. Obviously I have not mastered the ability to turn back time and therefore I was stuck in the here and now and the mistake of actually answering that question using my honest opinion.

Alex sat across from me with his arms folded and his ankles crossed as he so effortlessly said “There is no such thing as a man who doesn’t cheat” my mind begged me to ignore his comment but my uncontrolled love of questioning things took over and my tongue formed the words “What is wrong with you? Of course there is, I have seen it so many times and I have so many friends married to wonderful men who would never cheat on their wives.”  I fixed up my slouched position as I went into attack mode “If you’re a cheater that does not mean that all men cheat, it is not about following your dick everywhere you go, there are repercussions for that type of behavior you know. Karma is a bitch, one day you will find out your wife is cheating on you or your future daughter is being cheated on. How would that make you feel?” in one breath I continued to say “So not all men cheat, there are men who fear karma.” I lean my back on the chair again feeling fulfilled with my response expecting it to end there.

Naturally it didn’t, and I should have know better than to argue with Alex about something he finds utterly normal. He argued his point with a soft spoken attitude, still maintaining his body posture showing no signs of anger or irritability. “You know, your right, there are only 0.1% of men who don’t cheat and they are the men who are grateful that they had just one woman accept to marry them or come near them. So if you want a man to be loyal I suggest you go for the losers who have never been able to score with a single women their whole lives, and they will never be able to score with a woman other than their wives.” I brushed him off with a stroke of my hand in the air recognizing the discreet complement he was giving himself and kept my mouth shut. I stared off into the  distant  and thought to myself “Well, I want a loser then.”

In noticing that I had started to lose interest in his theoretical facts Alex unfolded his arms, pushed himself further up on his chair, leaned his back forward, rested his arms on his thighs and began his determination in bursting my well fabricated soul-mate bubble.

“So you believe that all your friends husbands have been faithful or will never cheat on them?” He asks, I nod my head in agreement with a fact I believe in. At this point I am sitting with my arms crossed over my chest, my legs stretched out in front of me as they leaned on one another at the ankles. Obviously uninterested in what he had to say I avoided giving the conversation any more of my time. Alex would simply not give up “So how are you sure they never cheated? Are you with them every minute of the day?” he asks me, provoking an answer from me and I simply tell him not all men possess animal instincts and it seems that I have more faith in humanity of males than he does. “Aha….well that is human, men have urges they can’t control, sex and love are two different things all together. Each one holds no association to the other. But believe me when I tell you that there is not a single man in the world who is not cheating on his wife. Especially the religious ones who have brainwashed people to believe it is a sin. In specific the Muslims they cheat all the time, but they have called it marriage today allowing for a maximum of four wives per-person making it legal and acceptable.” Upon hearing him out and noticing how smug he was getting I maintained my calm and told him it is obvious he is surrounded by idiots who think screwing around makes them manly men and he has found ways to make his excursions seem a daily norm. Now Alex is lifting an eyebrow at me and doing his little side ways smile allowing for cute dimples to show their way through his words “Remember the guy that was with me the day you met sue with me for lunch?” I nod take a side glance at him and resort back to staring at nothing. “Well he is married and loves his wife to death, but he cheats on her, or actually was excited that night to go out knowing his wife is not around to meet women. Why would he want to meet women if not to get that manly man feeling he needs as all men need. Do you think he will not cheat? He is so excited to be in Dubai where the women are so easy to have a one night stand with the last thing on his mind is NOT to cheat.” Feeling like he made his point loud and clear Alex leaned back on his chair, I maintained my aloofness while burning inside to punch the hell out of him for making all men seem like horny dogs.

Alex continued his path of destruction knowing that it was starting to get to me and his stories started to pour out the minute I decided to say “ Well with my man that wont happen, we will be with one another most of the time and if not then we are both at work, when will he ever find the time to sleep with someone else?”

Mistake…mistake….mistake…MISTAKE. Why did I not keep my mouth shut oh GOD WHY?

To be continued…….

Trust in Alex-Part 3

Part 3

Alex took a deep breath as he rapidly said to me in Arabic “Oh the ring….well…..the thing is that it is a very hot day today and so I didn’t want to wear too much so I decided to take the ring off….cause it is a hot day….it is hot and I didn’t want to wear too many things” I stared at him for a few seconds  as he tried to remove his eyes away from mine and started to fiddle with his shirt buttons. I questioned him in Arabic saying “How bizarre…… I have never heard of someone getting so hot that they keep all their cloths on and take off a tiny little ring therefore relieving them of the heat?” I sarcastically continued to say in English this time to make it a point to all those sitting with us “it would have made more sense to take off your shirt, maybe put on shorter shorts or even shave off your hair”  and then turning around to lanky guy i continue to say “but never the ring” I laughed at my own joke as I turned around to talk to the woman sitting to my left. That conversation didn’t go on for too long she seemed extremely uncomfortable with the way me and Alex were discussing things in Arabic making her feel completely excluded and more so upon hearing the english sentence i so clearly stated about his ring.

The discomfort I was feeling deep in my gut was starting to irritate me and i wanted to leave, i didn’t know what was bothering me until I understood that the reason I was feeling so uncomfortable was the fact that the Woman on my left was pulsating energies of extreme possessiveness over Alex. Every time I would talk to him she would clench her fist and her body would move closer to Alex as though I was trying to steal him away from her. Another strange thing was that Alex was extremely nervous around her trying his best to make her feel comfortable and included. I started to get a nagging inkling that there was something very off about the woman to my right and that feeling included Alex. So my natural reaction was to remind myself that I was not invading her territory knowing very well that the only women who deserves to be territorial was no other than Julie, Alex’s wife. In wanting to make a loud and clear point to this woman I started to talk about Julia excessively trying to throw a reminder to the strange woman on my right that she is NOT his wife and she better start acting in that respect. As we were all about to leave, Alex asked me to join them for a swim at the beach and I gladly refused with every ounce of my being. I bid them all farewell as I made sure to point at Alex’s hand and tell him loud and clear to put his ring back on and resort to removing his shirt as an alternative method of cooling himself off next time.

That first Sunday morning, right after the weekend Alex came to visit me on site. I had debated the entire weekend if I should call him to give him a piece of my mind or not, I resorted to not calling for the sake that it was none of my business as I was nowhere within that premises of deciet. I was still unsure of what all that was about, what the women was and who she was and why Alex removed his ring when he was around her. Was she someone who had a crush on him and he didn’t want to hurt her feelings? Was she an ex girlfriend who hated his wife? I didn’t want to know and I didn’t care to know so I didn’t call. But when he showed up all happy and bubbly at my site office for a cup of coffee and a chat I had no way of holding back what I needed to ask. I allowed him his five minutes of fun talk and then I asked him as casually as i possibly could “So Alex, who was that woman friend of yours with her buttons about to pop open and her possessive attitude towards you? The woman nearly stabbed me to death every time i spoke to you?” he simply looked at me with the same smile he carried with him throughout his earlier conversation and said “Who are you talking about Rain, are you talking about Sue?” playing stupid he continued with “Ah yeah.……..i think you mean Sue!” he added a slight giggle to the end of that question and continued to say “Sue is my friend, actually my best friend for years and years. She must have acted that way probably cause she was in a bad mood or something” I stayed silent expecting for more information but when non came i went on and said “Look Alex, no woman acts this possessive over JUST a friend. She was about to hammer my head in every time I would speak to you. And with all honesty even your wife was not that freaked out from me when I saw her. Sue’s dress was made to sex up a man and obviously the man she wanted to sex up was you. So tell me the truth who is she?” and before allowing him to start answering me back i blurted out in contained anger “And what the hell happened with the whole ring thing? I see your not feeling so hot today and your ring is back on!!!! What was that all about?” furious with myself for getting this angry and even more furious that he was not telling me the truth making me feel like a total idiot.

The reason I was this furious is because Alex destroyed all the glamorous hope of a good man ever existing, he crushed it to pieces and I was hoping with every cell in my body that I what I was about to hear would revive all that hope again. I kept looking at him with nothing more than hope in my eyes and a challenging look in which I was begging him silently to prove my thoughts wrong. I continued to bagger him with a “hmmmmmm….come on….. tell me….” And more persistently asking “just be honest…who is this Sue?” A glow over takes his face and he lifts up his head and stares at me long and hard then with complete contempt on his face he says to me “ Sue is my ex girlfriend from before I met my wife.” He pauses in anticipation of my reaction and notices that I am still standing there waiting for the rest of the story, he then takes a breath in and blows it out as he says in a low voice “We dated for a while and then we broke up but we stayed sexually together for a while after that. Whomever I dated after her never stopped the friendship me and sue had, it was simple she was my Sex buddy for years”.

Still in my very innocent state of mind I get a slight comfort in what he just told me, she was an ex girlfriend who held a grudge cause he got married to someone else, or so I wanted to believe until I heard the next sentence “We also continued to have sex after I got married, she was a friend at the end of the day and that was one of the many things we did in our friendship” I could not believe it, my love story was coming to a complete end the more words that kept floating out of Alex’s mouth the more i stopped being able to comprehend my new reality. So in a soft whisper I asked him “Does your wife know anything about this?” and he says “of course not…. she knows we are only friends but strangely enough a year ago she wanted me to stop talking to her for no reason at all.” surprised at his surprise I then ask sarcastically “So she had no idea and simply asked you never to see your supposed best friend ever again” and he said “ Yes, things were great she used to fly into town to come visit us and sleep over at our house, there were times where we would watch tv together and they would both be sitting next to me lying their heads on my shoulders. There was never a problem at all. So I don’t know what changed my wife around. She just stopped wanting her around.” With a sigh he continued to say “Women feel things, I am sure she felt there was something there” so I promised her that I would stop talking to her.

In utter dismay I tell him “Obviously you haven’t, she is here visiting you from out of town acting like an extremely jealous girlfriend. Your wife is out of town, what are you going to tell her?” and he simply said “She will never know, I answer her calls, we talk she knows I go out at night and party with my friend. Why should she know?” I stare at him, I feel like I am doing nothing but stare at him throughout this whole entire disturbing conversation. “ we are not sleeping together anymore, I made that very clear to her before she came to visit me. I told her that we are only friends with no sex.” He shook his head up and down to affirm what he just told me.

“So she is fine with that?” I ask and don’t wait for an answer before I say “obviously she is still pretty obsessed with you, and I don’t believe that you are not sleeping together anymore. I don’t believe it for a second, especially that you had your ring off and you never take off that ring. And the way she was acting was so obvious….why Alex?”  He looks at me sincerely and says “trust me we are not anymore, I am a good man to my wife. Believe me, she is trying all day to seduce me into sex and I am not giving her a chance. She walks around my apartment in her sexy lingerie and I don’t even budge, I keep my eyes on the tv”

“At your house!!!!! In her lingerie???!!!! Are you kidding!!! Do I look like there is the word idiot written all over my forehead?” I ask him with utter shock at what I just heard and then I gently express with utmost sadness in my voice “You poor wife…your poor poor wife, trusting you the way she does, having no idea who you really are”. I resort to ending the topic at hand, my chest was starting to tighten and the air was starting to escape me. Is it possible that this wonderful man is a cheater and such a great liar? Needless to say I had just unraveled the tip of the iceberg that day not knowing the abundance of new knowledge I will be acquiring from this young man in the months to come.

We end the topic and I go back to my desk unable to do any work or concentrate on anything other than hoping God didn’t hear my wishes for a man like Alex. Wishing with all my might that all these wishes I sent out don’t ever get answered and I start to write a men hating list instead.

To be continued………

Trust in Alex-Part 2

Part 2

In the months that came after that I had to move offices and start to work in a site office that luckily I designed making it easier for me to make my office space to my liking. I made sure to have a floor to ceiling window which opens up and allows me easy access to the site and to a small little outdoors sitting arrangement I purchased on my account. There were two major reasons for my mandatory terrace and they were that I loved to smoke and I enjoyed nothing more than sitting in God’s nature outside of the confines of walls. So again, I had two office spaces that were purely for me and whoever came to visit me would end up sitting on my little terrace with a cup of coffee and their cigarette.

As I settled in my new little haven and was pleasantly surprised to notice that a lot of my colleagues that were still situated in the main office came to visit, making the move easier to handle especially when I was starting to have problems with my new manager. Alex was one of those colleagues and later on he was moved to work on a project that was no more than two minutes away from mine, making our meetings more often than with the rest of the gang. I constantly keep myself updated with his life and his wife, always craving to hear the sacrifices and love that was taking place between them. His wife was still in a depression and he was at a loss with what he can do for her. I maintained my admiration over his dedication to his wife and child growing more and more adamant for accepting nothing less in my future life from my spouse.

In the next coming months I asked him if we could all meet up again, I didn’t want to be a pressure on his wife by asking to go out with her for coffee alone especially that she was depressed and probably only wanted to spend time at home. So I went to Alex and asked him to make another outing, maybe there was something I could say that could help her feel better about things, all my friends went through it. It was then that I found out she had left town again cause she was not feeling well and needed to head back to spend time with her family in the states, he was going to accompany her for a week or so in a week or so.

Upon another one of his ventures into my tiny terrace space for a chat and a coffee Alex invited me to meet his friends that were coming into town to visit him. He knew about my traumatic experience with my ex roommate (blog: shocking Truth) and wanted to introduce me to a bunch of nice people for a change. He said I would really like them and that they will be having lunch on the weekend on the promenade under my house. With all honesty I never say no to anyone who asks me to join them especially when it is somewhere on the promenade under where I live. I asked him if his wife will be ok with that and he told me that she will have no problems with it, she liked me and she knows he has lots of girls as friends, so it was no big deal at all since she was out of town and knows his friends who are visiting and had already met me.

As the weekend started getting closer I started to debate the etiquette of actually going out for lunch with Alex and his friends without his wife present, I had only met her once and there was no way on earth I would ever want her to think that I would disrespect her lack of presence. I asked Alex again if Julie truly had no problems and he promised me that she was fine with everything, that she knew he had a full life and knew everything about it, he never lied to her about anything. I was comforted by that notion and put to sleep the nagging feeling I had internally.

At 10:00 am Friday morning I was wide awake, the weekend was here and I was excited to start a fresh day out in the sun. My work had been getting stressful and the challenges between me and my manager were getting out of control, so when the weekend came around I was elated with the sense of freedom. I stepped out of bed, had my morning coffee, my cigarette, played with my cat (it was only one cat at the time) and I started getting dressed for the long awaited lunch. I changed several outfits not knowing which to wear making sure I don’t wear something too provocative yet it needed to also be my weekend clothing style. In the back of my mind I was hoping that the group of friends I was about to meet had at least one Hot guy that had the same lovely traits that Alex possessed. So I was really getting dressed to attract a hotty to me yet not wanting anyone to think that my outfit was to attract Alex to me. At the end I went with what felt comfortable and was my typical weekend attire. I happily skipped towards the elevator as I continued my phone calls with other friends to plan for the rest of my day with them.

Running a few minutes late I hurriedly walked towards their table situated in the exact same spot that me and Julia first met. To my dismay I notice there are only three people on the table and none of them being a hotty. I perk up my disappointment in hopes that some more people will join us later on because Alex did say “Friends” not two friends. I seat my self in the only other available seat (confirming I am the last to attend this lunch) which is situated right in front of Alex. To his left sat a young man that possessed a lanky posture and a thin body frame with a golden wedding ring glittering in the sun light, he seemed like a nice guy but I didn’t feel that comfortable around him. So I turned around to say hello to the woman sitting on my left, making her on Alex’s right internally questioning myself if she were the lanky man’s wife. Obviously she was not, there was no ring there at all. She had a sexy body that she squeezed into a flaming red dress that reached no further than her thigh. The dress was accessorized with a row of buttons in the front making sure to hold both ends of the dress across her body as the gaps between each button were no less than an inch apart showing all the Victoria secrets that lay beneath it. Her face was nothing interesting, actually it was below average and so was her burnet out bleach blond hair. The most obvious thing though was the fact that Alex had seemed to have misplaced his wedding band, and the color difference between the rest of his finger and where his wedding band was meant to be was pretty obvious.

Once I was done saying hello to the woman on my left and the guy on right I looked directly into Alex’s eyes and asked him “Where is your wedding ring?” the shock on my face made him hesitate for a few seconds as he resorted to giving me his answer in Arabic a language the girl next to me didn’t know anything of.

To be continued…….

Trust in Alex-Part 1

Part 1

I sat on one of the plastic chairs I had purchased a few days ago for the huge terrace of my work place. There were a lot of smokers at work with me and we met up on our breaks to have a cigarette and coffee, the only problem was that there was nowhere to sit and the area started to look dirty and disheveled. SO after two months of having no other means of enjoying my cigarette break I decided to go down to one of the stores and purchase an outdoor plastic seating set. Everyone at work was pleased with this except for the higher management whom were worried that this comfort will cause more people to chill out than be behind their desks working. Regardless of their concerns I continued to enjoy every break I had, and in time as the weather got better I would pick up all the documents I had to read and sign out into the terrace making it my second office space.

                On one of those many days in which I was sitting out in the terrace conversing with a few of my colleagues while enjoying the soft breeze with a coffee mug in one hand and cigarette in the other I met this guy. He introduced himself to the whole group “Hi my name is Alex” he said as he extended his arm to shake everyone’s hands. In no time we were all laughing and joking and our ten minute break turned into a half an hour of nothing but laughter. Alex was a grand addition to the group, he was handsome, tall a full set of jet black hair with the cutest of dimples that appear at the side of his lips when he smiles. At first glance I thought to myself “what a handsome, charismatic man” at the second glance I noticed a wedding band on his left hand and thought to myself “What a shame, all the good men are taken. His wife is very lucky to have such a handsome, funny, grounded man in her life”.

                As the days passed I asked the most natural question that always comes to me without even thinking “So Alex, tell me your love story, how did you and your wife meet”. I heard him speak of the woman he chose to marry and his love for her. How there is no one else in the world that fits him as well as she does. How all his previous relationships were never gonna lead him to commit the way he committed to his wife. She was fun, loving and beautiful and they understood one another so easily that they were bound to end up spending the rest of their lives together. I learnt that she was pregnant at the time and he was over joeys with the new addition to his life. He expressed how he loved spending time with his wife, how she made things a lot more fun when they went out together. They traveled to various countries always with an adventure in mind that they always agreed upon.

                I sat and listened to all this with a large admiration for this young man. Not only was he good at his job, well travelled, funny and great looking, he was also an amazing husband and obviously gonna be a great father. So naturally I put him up on a pedestal in my mind and reflected on his type of relationship hoping that one day I will find a partner that will love me as much as he loves his wife. We became friends immediately, I loved hearing his stories of him and his wife, the romance, the devotion everything was perfect and most importantly I held great respect for him.

                Once his wife gave birth, the stories of his fatherhood became even more profound; he spent his nights awake with his child as his wife suffered a depression. He took care of his newly born son like no father I knew would. His wife was getting the baby blues and was not going out as often, she was not ready to have a child and they got pregnant by accident making it really hard on her to accept being so tied down and exhausted all the time. He supported her emotionally and physically. He loved her so much that he tried to figure out ways to ease her pain by bringing in to town a member of her family to take care of her in his absence while he was at work. I used Alex as a great example to all women who were married to horrible men, making them see how it is possible for a man to really care for the woman he loves.

                Months later Alex wanted me to meet his wife especially that he thought we would get along . Since I was always interested to meet this lovely woman and see the interactions between him and his wife through my eyes I accepted the invitation with open arms. I was excited to meet her and meet his son, so the day arrived for our long awaited lunch outing together. Lucky for me the lunch was gonna be in the promenade right under my house which consisted of a variety of restaurants and coffee shops. As we all got introduced to one another I focused all my attention on his wife Julie who cradled their son in her arms with such tender love. She had a pair of sunglasses on which she never removed making it harder for me to really see into her soul, and so I settled into watching her body movements to figure out if Alex was true in his care for his wife.

                She was interesting to talk to but I felt that there was a huge field of sad energy around her and I related it to the fact that she was still under the depression that came along with giving birth. Alex on the other hand was very hands on, he carried his son, fed him his milk and tenderly caressed his wife to make her feel loved and cherished. I made a mental note of all the things I saw that I liked for later reference to the list of things I desire in my future spouse. It was a lovely afternoon but I had to leave after two hours to meet up with a bunch of other friends that I had also planned to meet for a coffee further down the promenade. We bid farewell after exchanging phone numbers and I left feeling elated and content with what I saw iwth a slight sadness over her obvious depression.

After a few days of our encounter I tried to call Julie but she never picked up the phone, seeing that me and Alex worked in the same office space I went to his desk and asked him if his wife was ok. I related to him that I really liked her and that I wanted to call her up and see if we could meet up separately outside of him. He then confessed that she went to the states with their son to recuperate and get away from the depression she was facing at being a single mom with no help available for her. He confessed that he tried his utmost best and was sad that she had to leave but as long as this would make her happier in the long run he would be able to survive without her for the next few weeks. I felt nothing but sadness for him, he seemed to be disarrayed without them around. I was told Julie really liked me and was looking forward for us to do something together upon her return from the states. So in my world everything was fine, this was a typical love story between soul mates that allowed me to have a stronger belief in my soul mate quest.

To be continued……

PING….someone let me in

I woke up a few nights ago to find the below message on one of my groups on my black Berry Messenger. I found it so enlightening how a persons mind works when in a situation with nothing to do but sit and wait. All the different ideas that come to mind, and especially the ones that have to do with their current situation. I needed to share it and so I re-wrote it all in same chronological order I received them in.

Characters on the BBM:

M is the main character of this story

Tara is M’s wife

Friday 2:34 am

M: I’m locked outside of the house with no keys.

Friday 2:34 am

M:I forgot them and everyone is at home, sound asleep its 2:30am

Friday 2:35 am

M: I have rung the door bell a hundred times, I have been outside for an hour

Friday 2:35 am

M: Still 4 hours to go before anyone awakes up

Friday 2:36 am

M: Tara’s phone is on silent, PING’s on the bbm don’t help L

Friday 2:50 am

M: L

Friday 2:56 am

M: Almost 3

Friday 3:00 am

M: Yayyy….. it’s 3am

Friday 3:00 am

M: Two down…. 3 more hours to go…!

Friday 3:03 am

M: I think the neighbors woke up. I can hear movement, someone stirring a drink

Friday 3:12 am

M: Almost 3:15

Friday 3:12 am

M: Gonna try sitting on door mat instead of the stairs

Friday 3:13 am

M: Ahhhh….much better…warmer

Friday 3:20 am

M: It’s very cold…can rest my back on wall too

Friday 3:57 am

M: Nearly 4am

Friday 4:00 am

M: Its 4am……2hrs to go

Friday 4:26 am

M: almost 4:30

Friday 4:30 am

M: morning prayers is in 40 min

Friday 4:31 am

M: It’s windy outside

Friday 4:31 am

M: My kids are usually up by 6am so I got 1.5hrs to go…I power napped on the door mat from 3:30 to 4…..

Friday 4:35 am

M: man, bbm pings are useless…I PINGED Tara a hundred times

The awareness begins all internal thoughts of life start to form:

Friday 4:36 am

M: Poor homeless people. It must be so tough to sleep out in the streets

Friday 4:37 am

M: That is why God gave some people more money than others. To spend on the needy; the poor. To keep them warm, give them shelter and feed them

Friday 4:38 am

M: Not to sit on a throne of $10 Million but to help at least a hundred thousand needy people.

Friday 4:38 am

M: or 10,000 or 1,000

Friday 4:39 am

M:Imagine taking care of 1,00 poor people Or even 100 poor people

Friday 4:40 am

M: To feed 100 people 1 warm meal a day costs 500 LE ($135) approximately 5 LE per person. That means 15,000 LE per month or 180,000 LE per year

Friday 4:40 am

M:If someone has 1 million Dollars, he makes 450,000 LE per year by 9% increase from the bank. Spending 180,000 LE leaves him with a bulk to spend from

Friday 4:43 am

M: WOW that is feeding 100 people every day for a year, with only having a million USD in the banks

Friday 4:46 am

M: I wonder how much a winter package of clothes would cost (a jacket + pj + Blanket + hood)

Friday 4:46 am

M: so there is food and warmth and clothes

Friday 4:48 am

M: There is someone here buying blankets for poor people, anyone want to pitch in? 30 LE per blanket???

Friday 4:50 am

M: Yay it’s 4:50am….maybe someone will wake up early

Friday 4:52 am

M: Might be a good idea to furnish the outside of our apartment with a cushion or something

Friday 4:52 am

M: For the long cold nights that someone can get stuck outside

Friday 4:54 am

M: I was out at the burial of a friend’s father in the middle of the desert till 9pm tonight. Was very cold

Friday 4:56 am

M: My father’s friend’s first night alone, I pray that God makes in his grave full of light, warmth and comfort

Friday 4:58 am

M: He was a great man, he was a man who helped the needy people. He wasn’t arrogant and he cared for people genuinely. His money and power never got to his head.

Friday 4:58 am

M: He always cared for his children no matter what they did and always gave to the poor and helped the needy when they needed his help.

Friday 4:59 am

M: They all cared for him too, it was obvious in the burial. Everyone was there the powerful and the needy, the rich and the poverty stricken. His children cried with all their hearts for their loss. He was a man of kindness and love towards them. I wish my fa

Friday 5:00 am

M: …..never mind won’t go there

Friday 5:00 am

M: May God bless him in the afterlife and in the grave.

Friday 5:02 am

M: Fleece is definitely assume

Friday 5:02 am

M: note to self: buy more fleece jackets!

Friday 5:02 am

M: Wishing there was a fleece jacket for my nose, it’s frozen!

Friday 5:02 am

M: I wonder how it would attach itself though. Perhaps a small clip on the nostril?

Friday 5:03 am

M: The night is always darkest before dawn

Friday 5:03 am

M: True….but it is also coldest

Friday 5:04 am

M: The earth is expected to hit a mini ice age by 2014. Solar flares are expected to wipe out electricity on earth in 2013

Friday 5:04 am

M: Wars are expected to start in 2012.

Friday 5:04 am

M: Wonder what 2011 is about??!!!

Friday 5:05 am

M: There’s someone awake in the building, loud TV. It’s 5:05 am

Friday 5:06 am

M: Wooohooooo….maybe just maybe someone will wake up at 5:30

Friday 5:12 am

M: Morning prayer is in 2 minutes I hope Tara wakes up to pray

Friday 5:13 am

M: Gonna start a private “knives throwing class” in Martial arts. It’s a Chinese art

Friday 5:13 am

M: Throwing knives, daggers and blades…for self defense….looking forward to it

Friday 5:13 am

M: There goes the prayer, I can hear it coming from the mosques

Friday 5:13 am

M: I am too cold and tired to go to the mosque to pray there. It’s not heated and water is cold for the ablution

Friday 5:15 am

M:Hoping someone opens the door

Friday 5:20 am

M: Getting sleepy again

Friday 5:25 am

M: No one awake yet. What if they don’t wake up before 7am??????

Friday 5:26 am

M: It’s almost 5:30am…almost

Friday 5:30 am

M: 5:30!!!!!

Friday 5:30 am

M:Half an hour left, 30 minutes to go. Hopefully someone will wake up. Either my wife, my kids or my mother. Someone has to wake up

Friday 5:40 am

M: 5:40

Friday 5:45 am

M: 5:45

Friday 5:50 am

M: 5:50

Friday 6:00 am

M: Well it’s 6am!!!!!

Friday 6:00 am

M: Been sitting here from 1:30am till 6:00am and no one has opened the door

Friday 6:01 am

M:One heckova comatose family!!!

Friday 6: 01 am

M: 6:10

Friday 6: 15 am

M: 6:15

Friday 6: 17 am

M: 4 hours and 45 minutes waiting

Friday 6: 28 am

M: I AM INNNNNNN……at 6:28am the door was opened for me

Friday 6: 30 am

Tara: I just woke up!!!!!!!!! LOL LOL LOL….poor M….don’t know whether to laugh of cry.

Friday 7:00am

Tara: It turns out that my mother in law woke up at 5am went to the kitchen to get a glass of water and went back to sleep. All the time thinking that there is no way her son is still outside the apartment waiting to be let in. She was the missed calls and the messages but they ended at 4am, so she assumed he was sound asleep inside his room next to his wife. LOL LOL LOL


It helps to be in a situation in life that is similar to the one that others are in. A simple feeling of being cold and the inability to sleep makes a person wonder about all the others in the world that are suffering the same ailment. For everyone’s info M and Tara are figuring out ways to give a warmer winter to all those that live on the streets of Cairo.

The acknowledgment of a loving father and a caring powerful man could make a world a better place to live in. Money and Love go hand in hand, and if someone has the money then they should easily and simply provided it to those who desperately need it. Parents need to take care of their kids and not wait for their death to be able to have the inheritance make them live a better life. And the poor need a warm blanket at night to sleep in if the government is simply not providing it to it’s people. There are lots of Millionaires out there, and there are lots of poor people out there. A helping hand will not make the millionaire poor and will not make the poor rich.

Last but not least…minutes pass like hours when there is a basic need that is not acquired for survival.

Bizzar advice

In 1997 upon my arrival to start living in cairo,I was deprived of any sort of possibilities of any type of classes I was used to having when I lived in Montreal. So when I heard of a yoga instructor that had just started giving classes in Cairo I was the first one of five people attending the class. He was a British guy that had just left his home town with his wife and one year old child to start a life in Cairo. His Yoga space was a room in his apartment and surprisingly three other people; outside of me and one of my best friends, decided to attend. It was lovely, I felt alive and rejuvenated, and the excitement made me vow to myself that I will never miss a yoga class with Charlie.

As I drove home that day, blasting the music in the car, feeling on top of the world I decided to tell my brother about Charlie, knowing how my brother is like, I was sure he would also love to attend these classes.

That night, as I sat in the tv room bummed out on the couch, my brother walked in, stood at the door and started to watch tv with me silently. I jump of the couch as I rememberd the yoga class, i mute the tv and start telling him about the amazing fact of finding a yoga class in Cairo. I told him about Charlie and his family, and I explained how wonderful this whole thing was for me. Not surprisingly my brother decided to join me the next time I go. I was thrilled and I felt that things were starting to pick up in Cairo, maybe life could be normal to a certain degree.

Two days later me, my friend and my brother walk into Charlie’s apartment all dressed up and ready to yogi. I introduce my brother to Charlie, they shake hands, talk for a bit, laugh and then we all head off into his yogi room. To my surprise there are five more people there making the room extremely tight and unbearably stifled, yet I am still 100% determined never to miss a class.

As any normal yoga instructor, Charlie goes around the room and makes sure that everyone has the right posture and stance. He makes sure to position you right as you breath correctly while he rests his hands on your stomach to feel if you’re in rhythm with his instructions. Other times he would pass by the whole class putting his hand on their behinds to make sure that they are crunching their butts correctly as they move up and down in the table position. After an hour of excessive sweat and horrible stench we all stretch out on our mats and start doing a breathing exercise to end the session.

We all get off the mats, smile at one another and everyone starts heading for the door. I look for my brother to hurry him up and I find him standing with Charlie talking; so naturaly I move towards them. To my utmost horror, as I get closer to the conversation talking place between him and my brother, I hear my brother telling Charlie “Look Charlie, some advice you need to know. You’re not in England any more, you’re in Cairo and here you are not allowed to touch women” as I get closer and my smile starts to slowly part away from my face I hear him say “…so if you want to help my sister with her posture I suggest you use a stick and not your hands” he says this with a bright smile and full force of need to help Charlie out in an Arabic country. Little did my brother know that we lived in an open culture and no one was going to arrest Charlie for indecent touching. Little did Charlie know that my brother didn’t know any better making Charlie sweat in panic.

I stood there dumbstruck, I looked at Charlie and then I looked at my brother….i gave a faint smile of apology and extended my hand to shake his; in hopes that he does not think we are a demented culture. He just glared at me then at my extended hand as he slowly gave me a respectful smile and then moved his face to eye my brother in hopes that he passed some secret test.

Needless to say, I had never gone again to that yoga class in fear that he will hit me with a stick instead of using his hands to fix my posture.

Struggle with the door

Click…..i try to open the door to my apartment as I manage to carry my phone, paper bag filled with candles and my shoes in one hand. The shoes are basically in my hands and not my feet to allow my feet the freedom to become familiar with the cold marble floor beneath it, releasing it from the blistering pain it’s been suffering throughout the day. The other hand is managing to multitask itself as it carries a plastic bag of newly purchased books, a small flower pot placed in a paper bag, another bag containing a few picture frames and the keys to my front door. On my right shoulder I have my very large handbag heavily hung off of me as my left shoulder is curving upwards trying to balance the slow recline of the strap carrying my laptop case. Placed on the floor are three large bags of clothes and shoes that I was able to push out of the elevator with my feet, sliding them across the floor towards my front door.

My hate of shopping entails me to do it all in one mall outing. I have this inability to go on a daily basis to the mall in hopes of finding one or two items that I need. Therefore I hold back until I am overwhelmed with an abundance of things that I have no other way but to go and purchase them all in one go.

I lift the hand with the key towards the key hole, as my arms start to shiver from the weight on them. I don’t want to place the bags in my hand on the floor, I have gone this far, I only have one more step to make; open the door. At last my key reaches the key hole, but it simply won’t fit in, my body is twisted, my legs are bent, my arm is shaking and my fingers are turning cold. “shit” I yell at myself, it’s the wrong key. I fumble again, trying to slide the old key out of my fingers as i meticulously bring in the other key into my fingers grapes. I sweat, this is tough, I really should put the bags down and do this the right way, but I can’t, I am being stubborn with myself for no good reason at all. I lift my very shaky arms back up towards the key hole as the key slides in. Now its time to try to twist the key towards the left so that it unlocks, another struggle and another splurge of sweat across my face.

I am in and everything slides off my shoulders, out of my hands and onto the floor. I walk out to pick up the three large bags and place them next to all the items on the floor. I move towards the couch, take a look at it, sight as i throw myself on it; nothing left but my ringing phone still in the grasp of my hand.

A moment in memory lane

A wonderful artist i came across on the internet his name is R young. Beautiful, breath taking paintings

It’s a silent night in a silent house, everyone has gone to sleep and I am left alone to do as I wish. There is a closed off room in the house that holds an abundance of all my old belongings. With nothing to do but sit and listen to the useless chatter taking place in my thoughts I walk towards the closed door and pry it open. I am dumbfounded by the amount of boxes and suitcases cluttering up what used to be the guest bedroom. I switch on the lights and walk into the room not knowing where to start and what box to look into first. I look to my right and see three large boxes piled up on top of one another and decide to open the most accessible one to me. There is a transparent scotch tape holding only one side of the box closed, which takes me an extra three seconds to wedge off. I tear open the box and to my amazement I find a whole bunch of my oldest collection of cassette tapes. My hands are inside the box pulling out one tape at a time, trying to remember what each one contained. I get restless from standing over the box on my tiptoes and at a whim start carrying the box as my legs and arms shiver from its weight. I place it down on the floor, dust my hands off and cross my legs as I slowly place myself neatly on the floor.

As i sit there rummaging through all my old things, i come across an abundance of old tapes i used to be obsessed with. There are tapes with stickers on them expressing their importance to me, others have a mini list of song titles to tell me what songs are on that specific tape. I have travelled back in time, I am actually walking down my own personal memory lane and I am loving every minute of it.  I pick up one tape and try really hard to read the washed off remains of the words on it; to no avail. I get off the floor, tape in hand, and rush off towards the adjacent room; my eyes scan the space as my legs walk towards the cassette player that is still sitting patiently on the console. Excitedly I stick the tape in hoping it will still work although it has accumulated an abundance of dust throughout the years.

“Song instead of a kiss” engulfs the entire space and filters itself into my longing ears. My face broadens with a smile as I start to waltz around the room in a sweeping manner, holding the tip of my dress in between my thumb and forefinger. I am on my tip toes gliding across the room, singing to the words I had long forgotten, or thought I had forgotten, when all of a sudden the tape screeches, a click and one of my oldest best friends voices is blaring out of the tape recorder “I cant believe it…..they just stopped it…unbelievable…UNBELIVABLE… THEY ARE SO irrrriiiitttaaaattttiiiinnnnnggggggggg” she yells at the top of her lungs. My dress drops out of my fingers as I tilt my head upwards to release an explosion of laughter at the obviously very angered voice seeping its way out of the speakers.

Click…shshshshshshs…click….song instead of a kiss, baby this is a song instead of a kiss…for all of you who ach so much….here is a song instead of a kiss….click. The tape stops, end of side A.

I start laughing even more, this time falling down on my knees with my head droppping forward between my legs as my hands grasp the carpeted floor to help hold up my upper body. The change of moods was shockingly distorting and the flood of memories that came with the screeching break in the middle of an amazingly wonderful song reminded me of the days back in high school.

I remembered it so well, and if it weren’t for the rude interference with the song I would have never remembered that specific incident. Me and my best friend loved to dance, we walked around with our cassette tapes everywhere we went, sometimes we even bought our stereo to school. On one of our many after school events we decided to watch the boys in our group play basketball in the front courtyard. Naturally we carried out our stereo with our collection of tapes and walked towards them. We placed our beloved items on the wide rim of a planter that was located right next to the basket ball court. The tape we chose to play was a mixed song tape, meaning that it had a variety of slow and fast songs all jumbled up. When the song “Song instead of a kiss” came up, the boys grunted and rolled their eyes, it was too much of a girly song for them at the time, they wanted something to keep them pumped up as they played their game. Me and my friend decided to ignore their grunts and started to sway to the song paying no attention to their elevating voices as they tried to mimic the song with soprano like sounds. To our surprise one of the boys had the guts to leave the game, rush over towards our stereo and stop the song. What we all didn’t know back then was that he pressed the record button instead of the stop button, allowing the wonderful memory of my friend screaming at the top of her lungs at the boys in utter disgust as she hovered towards the player to continue playing the song, to last a lifetime with me. A memory of innocence and simplicity that I cherish with all my heart till this very day.

Here is the song and the lyrics, maybe you also have a wonderful memory to this song.

Enjoy 🙂

Click it if you want it: Song Instead Of A Kiss

Instead of a kiss
Baby this is a

Instead of a kiss

For all of you who ache, who long
For nights like this

Instead of a touch
Darlin’ this is a

Instead of a touch

To all of you who wait so long It is for those who like to cling
It is to those, to those I
And need so much

Here is a song instead of a clutch
Instead of a moon
Instead of a soothing touch
In the afternoon

It is for those who like to cling
It is to those, to those I sing
Here is a song instead of a clutch
Instead of a moon
Instead of a soothing touch
In the afternoon