Alcohol-The ways of the bottle

It is always a wonder how people have the appetite to get completely intoxicated by an enormous abundance of alcohol once they go out at night. What I have a hard time understanding is the amazing ability people have of forgetting the pain they suffer the next day, or the disgraceful behavior they put themselves through once they exceed the social limits of drinking.

If you look at it from a completely different point of view you will come to realize that the person who chose to drink all night long has lost a whole day and a half of their lives. Half a day was spent in complete delusion and the next day in agonizing pain, unable to do anything other than lie in bed in hopes their body will gain its normality again.

I was always one to drink and party, one to go all the way and enjoy myself in the luxuries of the joyful night life. In due time and probably cause of my daily desire to party I started to minimize my outings realizing that days were passing me by and myself image was deteriorating. I was losing touch with all the wonderful possibilities that life was offering me because I was too busy partying with the moon and falling asleep with the rise of the sun.  As I grew older and started to work my outings would be limited to weekends allowing a few hours of daylight delight before the grand gesture to escape into the warmth and safety of my bed. A few years of that life and I was starting to wonder what it was like to have a weekend from dusk till dawn fully alert and able to function headache and nausea free.  I quit drinking for eight years and life looked completely different. When I would go out at night with my friends I was still completely hyper and active dancing the night away with the utmost of pleasure. The shocker was seeing a lot of my friends splattered on the dance floors, toppling over every time they tried to get up or hitting on people that were truly despicable to the sober eye.

My days were filled with the warmth of the sun, the depth of my conscious mind started growing in ways that only day life was able to accomplish. I saw what all the other people saw and felt their glory of the wonders of a completely sober life. Naturally as life always tries to balance a person out and allows them to choose their path I started to suffocate from my own rule of no drinking. I slowly started to incorporate a glass of wine into my outings or an apple Martine, making my head feel light after just a few sips. To me this was a great accomplishment, I was what people call, a cheap date, and I felt honored to be just that. Not that I was a drunk before , but my tolerance for alcohol was very high making me able to hold up a lot of liquor in my system before I got even tipsy. Strangely enough my outings to night clubs started decreasing and my desire to intoxicate myself started to slowly deplete. In time I became a moderate drinker, most of my outings were alcohol free and maybe every few months I would have a few drinks then be turned off by it completely. Even the close to nothing that I would have was ruining my next days and that was starting to get on my nerves allowing me to push away further and further from perceiving alcohol as a pleasure drink.

I returned back to heavy drinking when I met and married my ex husband. It was one of my only remedies and means of self expression. The more he kept telling me that I am not allowed to drink the more I drank, I wanted to rebel in one way or another, but my rebellion was only self harming. I was unable to understand why he was allowed to drink and I was not allowed to, I hated the chauvinism that I was forced to live and abide by. A year and half after the divorce my true nature came in floods and I slowly went back to a drink every once in a while or a few drinks in heavy clubbing outings. My tolerance level had risen again by then and I was unable to feel the buzz of the alcohol until I had managed to sedate myself with a few more glasses. In due time and because I missed my old self and my realizations about life I took an alcohol break. I despised its taste and one glass of wine would turn me into mush. A severe depression would always hit me the next day and in turn would ruin the next few days of my life. As the detachment from Alcohol came my way I started to see people in a different light, the outings were not as fun as they used to be, my friends were acting very strange when they were under the influence of alcohol. Men would turn aggressive and extremely silly and women would become incoherent and slutty. I visualized myself in their shoes and realized what a humiliating state of mind these people are in, and realizing that I was in that state years back without realizing how silly I must have been.

In all fairness I harbor no ill feelings towards people who choose to intoxicate themselves on special occasions or every single night, it is their life to miss out on. The reality of the matter is that I consciously choose not to be a part of that life style and with that choice I have found an array of people who can have a drink or two some nights without having to dilute their whole system with alcohol, making the outings much more interesting to indulge in. There are those who enjoy their alcohol to crazy degrees and have a huge amount of tolerance to it and I do enjoy their company immensely but at the end of the day once I feel things are getting out of control and I may lose respect for that person, I hop in a cab and go back home to the warmth of my bed knowing that I have a long day ahead of me to bask in the sun and enjoy coffees and lunches with an abundance of friends who also chose to have only one or two glasses the night before.

There is a lot more to life than pouring alcohol into your system until delusion hits and spending the rest of the next day searching for things and ways to remove the remains of the night before. The celebration of occasions does not have to include intoxication to abnormal degrees. The joy of it is tremendously short yet the pain after is longer lasting and not worth the few hours of complete self humiliation. As a reiki healer, I am told not to heal anyone if I am under the influence of alcohol, the reason being is that my energy would not be aligned right with me, not being able to provide the person in need of the right healing they deserve to get from me. It closes off my intuitive self and distorts my reality for at least a day or two after, making my one mission in life impossible to accomplish on a daily basis.

I have yet to understand those who still continue to abuse their bodies and humiliate themselves past the age of 30. The married people who have kids and go back home drunk and are unable to wake up in the mornings to care for their children. The young adults who have work the next day and might be responsible for a few members of their family’s security and dignity, The single person who finds no other way of truly enjoying their evening outside of alcohol, or the forty year old who still feels like talking with a slurr and picking up women in the presence of his wife and friends is sexy. I tend to see this as a wakeful state of slumber as life passes them by and their only concerns are where to travel to be able to party the hardest. They miss out on the beauty of their life and what the world has to offer them of excitement and new discoveries, only to drown in the depth of their sorrows and dance with the moon neglecting the arrival of the sun that wants to show them the beauty around them.

 

Listen carefully to what is being said and done…..

Sitting chilling at home with my brother as I put on my face masks and watch the colbert report i heard the most interesting interview. This is what i saw:

Then my brother gets up walks towards his computer and starts to show me another show that has the same person being interview on another show. So i decided to have you watch that too.

Finally, my brother wanted to prove to me that even in 2003 a sheikh in a mosque had given a very interesting insight into what is going ot take place in the world in the very near future, and so i decided to make you watch this one too:

Music-Tonight I am Loving you

Driving in my car listening to the news and feeling the weight of the world descend upon my heart i decided to change the channel and listen to something to uplift my state of mind. To my greatest surprise Enrique came blasting out of the radio and i found my cheerful song 🙂

Enjoy 🙂

Buy it -Tonight (I’m Lovin’ You)

I know you want me
I made it obvious that I want you too
So put it on me
Let’s remove the space between me and you
Now rock your body
Damn I like the way that you move
So give it to me
Cause I already know what you wanna do

Here’s the situation
Been to every nation
Nobody’s ever made me feel the way that you do
You know my motivation
Give in my reputation
Please excuse I don’t mean to be rude

But tonight I’m loving you
Oh you know
That tonight I’m loving you
Oh you know
That tonight I’m loving you

You’re so damn pretty
If I had a type than baby it’d be you
I know your ready
If I never lied, than baby you’d be the truth

Here’s the situation
Been to every nation
Nobody’s ever made me feel the way that you do
You know my motivation
Given my reputation
Please excuse I don’t mean to be rude

But tonight I’m loving you
Oh you know
That tonight I’m loving you
Oh you know
That tonight I’m loving you

[Ludacris]
LUDA..
Tonight I’m gonna do
Everything that I want with you
Everythin that u need
Everything that u want I wanna honey
I wanna stunt with you
From the window
To the wall
Gonna give u, my all
Winter n summertime
When I get you on the springs
Imma make you fall
You got that body
That make me wanna get on the boat
Just to see you dance
And I love the way you shake that ass
Turn around and let me see them pants
You stuck with me
I’m stuck with you
Lets find something to do
(Please) excuse me
I dont mean to be rude

But tonight I’m loving you
Oh you know
That tonight I’m loving you
Oh you know
That tonight I’m loving you

A new meaning to life

It has been a long internal and external journey in the last few weeks. Things happened in my world that have caused a great shit of my paradigm. First and foremost my country has set a profound new way of having a revolution allowing the world to see, yet again, how amazing the Egyptians truly are. In the midst of all the pain they had been suffering for years they found courage to fight the system. They found their voice within the rubble. They awakened their senses to demand respect. The pride I hold in my heart for the first chapter of such a great revolution is beyond words and for the first time in a very long time I thirst to go back home. I desire to be a part of a new beginning, to engulf myself within an awakened nation and help in re-building it’s new foundation.

In less than a month a new heartbeat was acquired for the people of Egypt. With such dignified resolve they all held hands and marched to the sounds of their long lost freedom. A distant echo that arouse with every step they took towards Tahreer square, towards their freedom, towards a brighter future gave them the courage to take back what was fairly theirs all along.

As I sat everyday watching the magnitude of what was taking place the urge to be a part of that kept growing stronger and stronger within my heart and soul. I was in touch with everyone I knew there and what I didn’t get through watching the news I happily got from my friends who were part of the revolution. Throughout all this I kept dreaming of a new Egypt as self induced images kept manifesting themselves within my mind, images would pop out at me of clean streets, controlled traffic and self  fulfilled people. A constant flow of Bubbles kept floating out of my mind producing numerous ideas of all the different ways I could help Egypt become what it was meant to be more than 60 years ago engulfed my every thought.

Today I am sure that there is no other place I would rather be than in Egypt, my confusion seems to have found peace within the confines of freedom and the new change. The boredom I have been suffering from has blossomed into a new meaning to live, and my purpose in life has been finally found. Maybe I will hate it once I am there, and maybe I wont, but regardless of what will happen I am able to sternly say, there is nothing worth living for if not to make this world a better place for all of humanity.

Through the unexpected came Hope

It has been a while since I have attempted to write, a drastic change took hold of my life and there were things I needed to handle and take care of that were out of my control.

Twelve days ago the people of my country started protests against the government and their 82 year old president. The protestors were refined in their demands until the looters started taking control of the demonstration forcing the peaceful protestors to take a different approach to the regime. People were defending their homes and their families against the escaped convicts and the hooligans let loose on the streets.

 In complete panic I called up my mom to check up on her as I would hear the loud gun shots in the background. Nothing seemed real, I felt that my reality was stripped away from me and everyone I loved was trapped in the most shocking of situations.

For years the elite residence of Cairo have been worried that the large starving population of Egypt would revolt against them but no one really put much of those fears into consideration since the Egyptians were developing a very passive attitude towards their circumstances. The rich were getting richer and the poor were getting poorer, until Twelve days ago when the fears of the past 5 years came with a blast.

In spite of what everyone was worried about something beautiful arouse from the situation at hand, all of Egypt united as one; the young and old, the rich and poor, the intellect and the ignorant all held hands in demand of a new Egypt, a new life. The bond grew stronger amongst the people once the prisoners and hooligans were set loose on the streets threatening the lives of those protestors and their families more so once the Egyptian police forces vanished into thin air leaving the people to fend for themselves.

During all this chaos my concern was my mother who was completely alone in Cairo at the time with no one to help her or care for her. Action had to take place to get her to the UAE as soon as possible especially that me and my sister both lived there. I was also worried sick over my best friends not knowing how to help them all into safety praying that God protects them and all of the people of Egypt.

With some amazing help from a spectacular young man we were able to get my mom out of Egypt into the safety of the UAE. Also only a few of my best friends made it out giving me some comfort yet still feeling painful agony for all the rest that were still stuck in Egypt. Constant phone calls were made to check up on everyone and I got to feel through those phone calls the magnitude of love everyone had for their country again.

For years Cairo had lost the spark that brought me to it in the first place, for years I was unable to walk down the streets knowing that I will be harassed by beggars’ and hopeless people. My car would be spat on at times when I would be heading off from one place to the next; people were losing their charm becoming aggressively rude and hurtful. I had moved back to Cairo more than 9 years ago because I felt safe on the streets, people laughed regardless of their situation, if I were to be harassed by anyone I would find a bunch of men attacking the harasser to get him off my case. Cairo with all its other problems never lacked the amazing spirit of its people that kept everyone going back for more.

What took place twelve days ago has given the people of Egypt their reason to live again, a purpose with hope of a better life that was lost to them for more than 20 years. Their oneness is unlike any other, they have bonded as one again fighting for the same cause, supporting one another regardless of what their financial status is. As for me, my love for Egypt has grown ten folds over in the past twelve days, and my desire to go back has over powered my logical thoughts.

As I watch the news and see all the familiar streets I weep in sorrow at the chaos taking place not comprehending what is happening and why? A peaceful protest turned into chaos ruining the beauty that started the whole thing. Yet with all that, the people have gotten stronger, the energy has proven to the world that the Egyptians are a great nation cause of the incredible courage they had in facing their fears and conquering them.

I miss my country, I miss my people, I miss my friends and most of all I miss the spirit of the Egyptians that at last has surfaced again after years and years of poverty and neglect. Through the unexpected arose a new meaning to life to what was a hopeless state.

How a Movie can move us

Movies hold a great power in the internal sense of human beings; they can provoke a person to cry, to laugh, to make new decision in life, to change their fashion statement or to even alert them to work out an internal issue. The type of movies I love the most are the ones that motivate people to follow their dreams and never give up regardless of all the difficulties that may face them in the process, and these movies are often based on a true story, which provides more of an attraction for me to watch them.

Yesterday after a very long stimulating day I was unable to use my mind for anything other than staring at a blank wall or zoning out into a movie. I chose to stare at a blank wall which resulted in allowing my mind to race a thousand miles a minute with thoughts and solutions to problems, so I decided to go with the second option, watching a movie.

The movie I chose made me cry with tears of joy, scream with excitement when needed and expand with determination to follow my passions regardless of what is expected and not expected of me. I understood that once the heart speaks louder to your soul than all the external voices there is nothing that can silence the heart. I came to terms with the fact that no one really knows what is best for me and what my abilities are more than myself. I realized that the root I have recently decided to take was entirely up to me and no matter how strange it may look to everyone on the outside I was following my own truth.

After I was done with the movie and all the tears of joy had seized I knew without a doubt what my purpose in life has always been. It felt like everything I had been searching for and wondering about came into made complete sense. There was a passion inside of me that had purpose, meaning and a reason for existing.

“I am able to do anything I want.”

“I am smart enough to make it a success”

“I am free to use all my talents towards my passion and KNOW it will work wonders”

I sat with no one but my own head that evening and I reflected back into the main character of the movie. She was a simple woman who had four kids, a loving husband and her role in life was a mother, wife and home carer. One day, through a simple event of fate, she found herself motivated in ways unknown to her or her family to save her father’s Horse Farm from being sold to the lowest bidder.  Although everyone was against her especially those she thought would stand by her, she still perused taking care of the Horse farm. Her stamina was incredible in trying to manage both her home and her new found determination and passion.

At the end, with everything going against her except for her assertive conviction to follow through and make it work she ended up being the brilliant Penny Chenery Tweedy who accomplished in guiding her stallion,Secretariat , to win the unbeaten record of the Triple Crown. Her bond and love to her stallion is breath taking and it gave a new found admiration for the human/animal bond and the loyalty found in that bond that is unfortunately not found between human and human.

Looking into my cats eyes after that move i tried to bond on a deeper level as Penny had done with Secretariat and proudly i realized that the bond had always been there only realizing today the magnitude of it at a completely different level of awareness.

Secretariat DVD

Insightful Remedies

There are times we feel really good and there are times we feel really bad. We are human and that is the human condition. There are those who watch for the patterns and those who neglect the patterns. How do we detect those patterns and where do we start……

1- I truly believe that your body manifests sickness to get you to pay attention.

2- Your always thinking of what it is you need to do to, as opposed to just following your heart even if it doesn’t make sense…

3- Be brutally honest with yourself.

4- Stop conforming to what you think you need to do.

5- Listen to your body…it’s giving you an opportunity to change, to get back to your heart.

6- Life has a way of repeating the same or similar situation until we learn.  You don’t have to DO anything.  Just observe, be aware and listen, because i really believe if you’re feeling unhappy inside there’s something you’re not being honest with yourself about.

7- You might be suppressing something; like when I suppressed knowing that my ex-husband wasn’t a healthy relationship/that we weren’t meant to be) notice patterns in your life and how you’ve handled them, notice how your body has been reacting to them and see how that can help you in future decisions.

 

Simplicity of Honesty

Bungalo that i stayed in Maldives

Chocked up……the tears were logged up in my throat making it hard for me to utter a word and so instead I kept waving goodbye to all the islands residence with a forced smile upon my face.

The hardest part about leaving the island was that the people were incredibly nice, unlike anything I had ever met before. Although my trip was only for four days, I have to admit that it took me three days to truly believe these people no ulterior motive other than just simply being nice and wanting to help for nothing in return. Sadly by the time I started to get used to it and I allowed for my defenses to go down I was heading out of the island and back to my regular life. The upside to this was that I didn’t enjoy the freedom of trust for too long therefore not making it hard for me to safe guard myself again with all the necessary weapons to shield me from the hypocrisy and lies that I seem to always be surrounded by.

As I worked on building up my mistrust of others during my plane ride back I noticed a sadness that came along with it. What had happened to the world, where have people left their honesty? As I sat indulged in that thought I realized that all my mistrust was sprouting out of the place I was living in. The dishonesty was in every corner and the people always had an ulterior motive when wanting to interact with me or others. Being one to always fight against dishonesty I tried to maintain my truth with no regard to anyone’s perception of who I am. This method has burnt me out and driven me mad yet I still persist on keeping it as a large part of who I am hoping that one day others will see that truth does not hurt as much as the lies do.

One of the biggest liars I have encountered recently is my boss, an ignorant man who does nothing all day except talk about everyone behind their back in despicable mannerism. I have learnt to shut the door of my office to keep him at bay, yet there are times where he has no decency to stay out, therefore forcing himself into my office space with some new gossip that he is itching to share. On many occasions he has tried to dig me a hole to fall in to In the same manner he does everything else in his life. Since I do have luck on my side I always tend to find out and correct it in front of him and those that were lied to making him get several warnings for his actions. He points the finger at the clients saying they take illegal money yet knowing for sure that he is the one leading the illegality. His hopes and dreams are for me to leave the project yet his kindness in front of me is beyond words always a shock when I find out what was said behind my back.

I built up as much defenses as I could, but at the end only a liar can deal with a liar and proudly I say “I do not resort to lying”. So yes, on my way back from the land of Honesty I was chocked up tears wanted to gush down and the desire to run into the arms of the resort residence was profound, yet I had to have control over my desires. And on the plane I had to let go of the notion of comfort and start my defense mechanism all over again, not knowing what to expect when I get back to work, not knowing what new stabbing mechanism was manufactured in my absence.

The beach right across from the Bungalo...beautiful sand

One thing I have learnt is that only the same types of people know how to get along with one another. An honest person will rarely believe that the person in front of them is lying, it is something they don’t do therefore they don’t detect easily. A person with ethical values have no means of believing that the person in front of them have no ethical values since they themselves only mange life through those values. A jealous person is unable to make sense of a person who feels no jealousy. It is a true fact when it is said that “like stick to like” and if you’re not in rhythm with who you’re dealing with then you will never be able to fight their fight using their weapons cause your weapons are of a different kind only able to be used with your “like”.

Small Haven of heaven

I keep blinking my eyes unsure if what I am seeing is real or just a figment of my imagination, pictures I have stared at for years are actually surrounding my environment and have somehow become my reality today. Huge Leaves that tower over me from enormous trees make me wonder if I have travelled to a world made especially for the age of the dinosaur. What I remember being small shrubs in other countries have grown as large as the size of the trees I was accustomed to. Palm trees are over whelming in their variety, the assortment of colors in which flowers come in are making it impossible for my eyes to adjust or get used to their beauty. I am at complete and utter awe with the transparent aqua colored water that goes out so far into the distance as it neatly merges itself with the ever clear blue skies that I am unable to tell where one ends and the other begins.
Little baby sharks glide peacefully within the same space I have chosen to swim in. Sting rays maneuver themselves smoothly by me as they glide ever so slowly into the sand and then float back out only to continue their water cruise. Fish of transparent colors follow one another in a tranquil, silent manner. The sand is so white and fine as it curves itself lovingly on my feet with every step I take towards my bungalow. The sun is strong, striking its harshness upon my skin only to find the coolness of the sand below me always ready to absorb its ruthless intensity.
A bridge connecting the two islands together help me go from one lushes island to the next as the waves decide to help with my journey they crash themselves against the rocks that lie still underneath the bridge. The glorious sun has decided to rest and slowly ventures downwards towards the edge of the light blue waters bidding farewell to a hard day’s work. As it starts to descend it gives one last farewell to its viewers, a gesture unlike any, it covers the sky with colors of purple, pink and red, some yellow for effect then it disappears.

In the darkness I walk back to my bungalow, lead by the light of the moon and the ever so evident stars, a fruit bat flies up above and another comes squeaking by. My two year old niece puts her tiny hands in to my hand, staring up in awe at the largeness of the bats and in fear of the dark. We tread slowly back not wanting to hurt any over sized insects on our way. At last we are back at the bungalow with joy in our hearts and love to offer all that need it, we sit peacefully on the large terrace expanse staring out into the open space that has slowly started pouring its heavenly water over our bamboo shade.

The beauty of my Planet X

I was reading through all my previous articles and i realized i loved this one so much, that i had to re-post it again 🙂

Within the last three years my life took a detour unlike any I had ever encountered in the 32 years I had existed on this earth.

I had lived a life filled with love, hope and dreams of pink ponies and a prince on a white horse. I believed in all the beauties of the great possibilities of what the future may hold for me. My existence was based on love; love of others, love of life and most importantly the belief in everlasting love with my soul mate. I believed in every cell of my body that my soul mate was just a step away from me, I dreamt of it and at times I felt it. I dreamt of my happily ever after as I basked in the comforts of security and financial bliss provided to me on a silver platter by my parents.

Life was a pink bubble of dreams waiting to happen. I lived in my heart, I lived in my soul and I lived most of my time in my thoughts; a place my family used to call “Planet X”. I spent 80% of my time on planet X and I utterly relished every moment of it. On my private planet I had a beautiful home that was white in color in the rare areas in which something other than glass windows showed. It possessed a beautiful large dark wooden terrace that wrapped itself around three quarters of my glass home. My home over looked the most luscious green fields on one side and faced the wide ocean expanse on the other side.   A cobbled street lead up to my front door as it settled itself amongst an array of fruit trees providing a colorful design to the surrounding fields of green. Butterflies flew haphazardly on top of an abundance of wild flowers that continuously swayed with the soft chilled breeze that blew across the sea. There were Small colored shops filled with the smiles of potential buyers and the hopeful sellers. There were a small variety of restaurants that were embedded underneath the gushing flow of a tempress waterfall.  I had horses and ponies that knew me by my fragrance and raced towards me when I would enter their fields of freedom to welcome me into their world. I had peace, love, happiness and honesty amongst everyone that lived on planet X. Most importantly my Planet X gave me the ability to see my real world with peace, love, happiness and honesty.

For the last three years I have been trying to find Planet X, I try to sit on my own to conjure it back into my life; sadly I have realized that Planet X has left me, it spat me out of its heavenly comforts. It left me to fend for myself; with no more fruitless hope on the great possibilities of a dream like future to go back to.

I miss planet X, I miss my outlook on life and I miss having trust and belief in the good of others. Within the last three years I had married a man I believed to be my soul mate, no later than eight months I was demolished and divorced the cruelest man I had ever encountered in my whole life.  That was the first sign of the hazy disappearance of my Planet X, as it still remained a part of my life, but a lot less vivid, I believed that things will only get better after the biggest crush of my life. Sadly, I made another wrong choice as I was still trying to believe in the good in humanity. I chose to share an apartment with a woman who showed nothing but kindness and love for me, to discover a year and a half later that she was disclosing my pain to others and destroying my reputation using tactfully planned lies for no reason other than preserving her need to make her surrounding environment believe the lie of the person she really was. Once I had gotten back on my feet again trying to bring into my life my Planet X in hopes of reviving my bright hopes of the future again. To my dismay it took a few months to find my Planet X, and this time around I noticed how its previously vibrant colors were diminishing behind a grey colored smog. It was hard to acquire hope or muster up any positive outlook on humanity. During that period in my life, my only sanctuary was my work, I had a passion for it unlike anything else, and any possibility of ever leaving it was deleted by my abundance of loyalty I had for it. After pouring my heart and soul into my work and proving myself completely competent of all the tasks that were under my scope and out of my scope of work I was pleased to know that my company decided to hire a new member into our wonderful team. A few months down the line, the new member’s attitude started to slowly creep its way into my professional life, I was unable to comprehend what he was trying to do. He smiled with earnest in front of me as he praised my continuous ability to make things happen at work. To my dismay, as time elapsed, I found that most of the jobs that I was handling were nowhere to be seen, he was discarding of me, and hating my tremendous closeness to all the people I worked with and for. He took work away from me telling me it was taken care of while making others believe I was not competent enough to do the work. He never once confronted me with anything, his mode of communication with me consisted of nothing more than jokes, gossips and continuous praise. The work environment became competitive and it lost all the beauty of group work. I had to watch my back with my every move as I monitored his every move, suspecting all his underlying truths knowing they were all lies. I fought like a lioness protecting her cubs, not succumbing to a bully trying to demolish all the hard work I had slaved for in two years. He was tranquilized for a few months until his strength was built again, taunting me with the same methods in a much sneakier way this time around.

As I continued fighting my work battle I lost total faith in humanity and planet X had completely disappeared. I could not even access it anymore for I was unable to sit with myself for more than five minutes. A month after my first confrontation at work took place my parents got divorced and I lose sight of everything I ever held close to my heart. My sanctuary, my security and my home were gone. All what I believed to be real was erased from my being and there was nothing to hold onto anymore.  From a life of complete love, acceptance, support, humanity, respect, values, loves from great men, friends that were devoted to my friendship and an artistic business that I owned; came the forceful gush of the harsh doors of emotional and mental hell. Of course planet X disappeared from my existence as I had come to understand that I don’t believe in it anymore. My three year experiences showed me a side to humanity that I had never known existed before. Those devastating three years poured its black gunk all over my beautiful pink bubble, over powering all the beauty that lived within it.

Today as I am still battling the dark disappointments within me, I have missed Planet X with all the innocence it had provided me with. I want to go back to Planet X, I am working hard to seduce it back into my life, I am exhausted of disappointment, I am tired of sadness and I am open to all the upcoming experiences that I must face. I have come to terms with a few of my disappointments, knowing that today I am fully aware of what I DO NOT want in my life giving me more clarity to the things I truly cherish and want in my life.

I am able today to see my planet X, i actually can touch it every once in a while and it is a welcoming feeling that i have longed for. My planet X has found it’s way through all the mess and has started to cleanse my soul bit by bit and with every breath i take it filters me with hope and love and removes all the dirt and dust.

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