When does it become unacceptable?

Anger boils over inside of me as Jack asked “Well did he hit you?”

“No” Emily says, surprised that he would even ask that question. Was all what she was saying not enough to walk out on her current relationship? My face was starting to hurt from the frown that had over taken my face for the past half hour, listening to Emily re-tell her story with her husband to Jack as tears rolled down her face. I couldn’t understand why Jack was even asking if her husband was hitting her? What relevance did that have to do with the pain Emily has been suffering for years with this man?

I asked him point blank “What relevance does this have? Is it not enough that He is constantly swearing at her, slamming doors all over the house, being completely impolite to any member of her family or any of her friends that enter her house, he doesn’t give her money to be able to support the house hold requirements and her baby girls requirements yet spends a ton on his friends and his entertainment, he is out partying every single night without her, he doesn’t allow her to go to bars or clubs at night without him even though he does constantly, he has caused his little girl to wake up screaming at night fearing that her father would kill her mother, he sits and does nothing in the house except talk on the phone to his buddies laughing or flipping through tv channels as she keeps running around the house fixing things, he uses his kids for his social outings to be accepted in society, he doesn’t allow her to work so she doesn’t attract the attention of the opposite sex” I take a deep breath in, calm myself down and asked calmly “So answer this Jack, what does it matter, to you, if he hits her or not?” Jack looked at me surprised as though I was asking him a question about giving birth and how he felt during it. I repeated my question to him more aggressively and he finally responded saying “Well since he does not hit her, then they can work things out. hitting her would be unacceptable in every way possible.”

Shocked out of my wits I didn’t know how to answer him back, all that rummaged through my mind was the fact that if a woman ever dared do all that to her husband she would be banished by everyone including her family, they would tell her that it is up to her to make this marriage work. Any man who went to complain about the same things would have given the green light for every human being (male or female) to reprimand the woman until she breaks down in humiliation for her actions. Yet when a woman complains about being mistreated on a daily basis the world tends to stand by his side and ask the woman to accept it as long as she is not being physically abused. She is supposed to take in his infidelity, his rudeness, his verbal condemning ways, his absence physically and financially and only be able to make a valid stand if he went out of his way and hit her.

Strange how this type of injustice is not accepted upon animals and yet upon women it is considered bad, yet not unjust. A woman is put in a position today to accept all that is done to her by a man because he has not physically abused her YET. A woman is expected to be the brains in the family, the glue that holds everything together regardless of what her mental state has become because of all the degrading ways she has been treated.  A woman has to turn a blind eye to her husband having affairs hoping that he will one day come to his senses, but when that day never comes she has to confront him and in return the society gives the excuse of him being a “Man” and men need more than one woman. She is then asked yet again to accept it and be a better wife to her husband cause she was probably the reason he went to another woman for sex. If a woman cheats on her husband she is thrown to the gutters, her kids are taken away from her, her marriage is over, her is shunned out from society with not a single word mentioned that it could have possibly been the husbands fault.

What really gets to me is this, after my talk with Emily and Jack, I found Emily agreeing with Jack, seeing his point of view, assessing the situation and wronging herself the whole time. She provoked his anger, she allowed him to neglect her and stop spending money on her and the family, it was her fault she was too busy taking care of the house and her child and her new pregnancy, of course he would go mad and naturally she thanked God that he never hit her “He is a good man that he never hit me. I would have left for sure.”

And in that ended the whole pain she had been suffering for years with her husband. I later on found out that all her girlfriends gave her a similar advice and sad as it was, women accept this upon themselves. Women will tell women to stick around in a horrible relationship, with a cheating man, with a stingy guy, with a man who has temper management issues and tell the woman it is all in her hands to make this work.

When have we ever become the weaker sex? We are able to give birth, take care of a house, go to work, socialize with the world and sleep for a maximum of six hours a night and still have the ability to do everything and more than any man could even dream of. What happened to reprimanding a man for his misconduct and behavior, who said it was ok? Who said that we were born, as women, to live this way? How come every man gets away with murder and women can’t get away with an extra hour of sleep if needed?

Women know how to build fear in other women, making them accept the unacceptable. Telling them horror stories of what life would look like if she did leave her husband “You will not be able to support yourself, you have not worked for years.” Or “What about the kids? They need a father figure” or “Live with it till your kids are old enough then leave”or “ Who will every marry a woman with children? It is too much baggage. So it is best to stay with the man who helped in procreating them.”

What women don’t understand is this “If women stood up and supported one another and did not accept to be treated in such a disturbing disregard to their humanity then men will have no choice but to stop.” As long as the world accommodates such actions and only the visual physical abuse is the allowed reason to leave a man, women will always be where they are today, and they will keep procreating more men that abuse their women, cause women don’t know how to stand up for their human rights.

If every woman keeps accepting this as a way of life, and if women will always advise women to be the abused member of the family then things will never change and women will always be spat on. Her kids will also treat her with disrespect the way their father had, and they will repeat the same pattern onto their wives in the future and every woman will again tell that woman in pain “It is ok, it is all in your hands, you’re the smarter one. Men are like children let him do his thing, and you stay the good wife, he will come around. As long as he didn’t hit you then you can fix it.”

Emilie’s story is one of the many stories I have came across in all these years of watching and listening to couples. With such sadness I have to say that I might have met one in every 30 marriages where there is a balanced relationship between man and woman. What women don’t understand is this: they are telling their daughters that it is ok to be treated this way and they are telling their sons it is ok to treat a woman this way. They think they are making life better for their children when in reality they are allowing the same patterns to continue to evolve and have no regard to how their daughters will be treated in the future or how their sons will treat women.

The release of MJ and Tracy

The path of forgiveness is hard to come across once a person has been severely wronged by another. The heart finds an inability to move forward congesting it’s arteries with hate and anger that make it hard to ever move on. The pain of the injustice is harbored by images that seem to find their way into the mind reminding the heart of the pain it had gone through.

I am a certified Reiki healer, and I have been for more than eight years now. In constantly trying to find ways to help those around me with gifts I never knew I had I acquired a few certificates in different aspects of life one of them being Reiki. I spent random days and nights helping those around me overcome a pain using the energy that flowed easily out of my hands and feeling euphoric after seeing the changes manifest themselves into their lives. Upon my break down that took place during my destructive marriage and my manipulative roommate I lost myself and the ability to help anyone especially myself. In the years the followed I slowly started to recover from the shock, I stopped the self blame once I came to terms that it was not my fault and there was nothing more I could have done to make things better. MJ (my ex husband) and Tracy (my ex roommate) were who they were regardless of who I was, it was in their nature to be the people they were and there was nothing that would have ever changed that.

As I started to pick up the pieces of my old self back and improving on them I realized I also carried around such anger and hate towards them making my recovery much harder and longer than expected. I wanted to be done with the anger, I wanted to forget and forgive, but it was impossible to do. How can you forgive two people who pushed you to the brink of suicide only for their own pleasure? How is it possible to let go of the humiliation that i suffered through the cruelty that spewed out of the man I chose to marry? Or the cruelty that destroyed the little, if any, self love I tried to hold on to for dear life as a roommate did her best to demolish even further?  As I kept trying to work on myself i realized I was unable to really move ahead and follow my dreams because the images kept recreating themselves in my mind blocking up my heart from even contemplating forgiveness.

I started myself improvement ventures through taking courses in NLP, I figured if I can go back to my ultimate goal; which was the desire to help others; I would be on the right track, back in shape, following my one true mission in life. Life did start to blossom, my self confidence came screaming back with ecstasy. I felt free, able to see who I was and the improvements I had achieved were grand. I put to sleep the anger, hate, sadness and depression over the death of my old self and relished in fabricating my new and improved self, little did I know that I still harbored such abhorrence towards MJ and Tracy.

It came to me as I lay down on my back in the dim light of a large studio with my eyes closed listening to the voice of my reiki instructor. After wanting to continue my mission I needed to re-adjust my reiki knowledge I wanted to be able to provide light and energy to those in need and I was still not sure if I can go back to being that person again, so I decided to re-take the reiki course and get initiated again to be a healer.  As I was lying there with the soft distant music playing its strings harmoniously the Reiki instructor gently talked us through a meditation to allow our hearts to be filled with nothing but love. She slowly directed us to release all anger from the heart, to forgive those who had done us wrong, to forget all the pain, to remove them from our hearts and allow space for new things to happen, better things and most importantly for new people who would be happy to receive our love.

Remove them from your heart chakra, remove them from your head chakra, remove the anguish from your stomach chakra, release all the pain, make space for a better life.

I did that, and in that I found a new resolved peace within myself, the heat in my hands resurfaced and the power to heal re-entered my soul. I had allowed my hate to go, I released them of my anger, I forgave them for all they had done but not before I prayed that God will give them no mercy when they needed it most as they showed me no mercy when I needed it most and pain as severe as they gave me and to do with them as He sees fit. And with that one last wish, that one last breath, that one last memory I released MJ and Tracy into God’s hands and gave space in my heart to accept a new beginning, a new life and a new cleaned space for my true path to take its residence in me.

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Music-Hush Hush

Wouldnt you love to just turn to someone who is a bother to you and simply tell them….HUSH. I would love to aquire that ability and indifference but i dont have it in me to do that to someone. I am able to scream and yell once i have reached my own personal boiling point, but i am unable to place my forfinger on my lips, pout my lips out slighly as i shrink the distance between my upper lip and lower lip in an oval form and simply breath out the word “Hush”.

Well here is an intriguing song that allows for that one specific word to form itself upon your lips to the one person you would love to say that word to. I found it very fruitful in many occasions, especially when me and MJ started dating again and i was fully done with it all, it worked wonders with my soul. I Hush Hushed him all the time and kept the song on repeat for a while.

The words are very empowering, and i love the way they mixed “I will survive” into it. There is not a single word in that song that i would not use over and over again in regards to my own personal experience. There is not a single letter in this song that i did not say to MJ when i was burnet out and it was our third time to try and make things work out. In the whole entire year and a half i had said these words with tears streaming down my face, with yelling tantrums that followed. When this song came out, it was so well said that it freaked me out the precision of it was unbelievable. It was exactly what i had been verbalizing for a year cause it was a little late for conversation, and it was true that i never needed any of his corrections to how i act and what i said, i never needed hurt i never needed words, my love for him was strong enough he should have known. When he was in my life at the beginning innundating me with his presence, i never needed him to be there everyday. I was emensly sorry that i let go of everythign i wanted when he came along, cause i was never beaten, broken not defeated and i knew next to him is defenitly not where i belonged. The time for explanations were done and there was nothing that he can do, cause my eyes hurt, hands shivered so he had to listen to me when i siad….i dont want to stay another minute i dont want you to say a single word…..hush…hush….our love is broken.

I thought i would never be able to survive without him…so at first i was afraid, i was petrified, kept thinking i could never live without him by my side, but i spent so many nights thinking how he did me wrong, and i grew strong, i learnt how to carry on.

enjoy 🙂

Click this if you want it: Hush Hush Hush Hush

I never needed you to be strong
I never needed you for pointing out my wrongs
I never needed pain, I never needed strain
My love for you was strong enough, you should have known

I never needed you for judgement
I never needed you to question what I spent
I never asked for help, I take care of myself
I don’t know why you think you gotta hold on me

And it’s a little late for conversations
There isn’t anything for you to say
And my eyes hurt, hands shiver,
So look at me and listen to me
Because

I don’t want to stay another minute
I don’t want you to say a single word
Hush hush, hush hush
There is no other way, I get the final say because
I don’t want to do this any longer
I don’t want you, there’s nothing left to say
Hush hush, hush hush
I’ve already spoken, our love is broken
Baby hush hush

I never needed your corrections
On everything from how I act to what I say
I never needed words, I never needed hurt
I never needed you to be there every day
I’m sorry for the way I let go
On everything I wanted when you came along
But I ain’t never beatin’, broken not defeated
I know next to you is not where I belong

And it’s a little late for explanations
There isn’t anything that you can do
And my eyes hurt, hands shiver
So you will listen when I say

I don’t want to stay another minute
I don’t want you to say a single word
Hush hush, hush hush
There is no other way, I get the final say because
I don’t want to do this any longer
I don’t want you, there’s nothing left to say
Hush hush, hush hush
I’ve already spoken, our love is broken
Baby hush hush

First i was afraid i was petrified

Kept thinking i could never live without you by my side

but i spend oh so many nights thinking how you did me wrong

but i grew strong, i learnt how to carry on

Hush hush, hush hush
I’ve already spoken, our love is broken
Baby hush hush

I will survive, as long as i know how to love i know i will stay alive

I’ve got all my life to live, i’ve got all my love to give

I will survive i will survive

I don’t want to stay another minute
I don’t want you to say a single word
Hush hush, hush hush
There is no other way, I get the final say because
I don’t want to do this any longer
I don’t want you, there’s nothing left to say
Hush hush, hush hush
I’ve already spoken, our love is broken
Baby hush hush

No more words
No more lies
No more crying ooh ooh
No more pain
No more hurt
No more tryin’ Oh Oh Yeah
Because
I don’t want to stay another minute
I don’t want you to say a single word
Hush hush, hush hush
There is no other way, I get the final say because
I don’t want to do this any longer
I don’t want you, there’s nothing left to say
Hush hush, hush hush
I’ve already spoken, our love is broken
Baby hush hush

Empower your innerself with this…..

 
 

                                                                                                                                                                                                     

Three years ago, when life was still a blossom of hope and love, I had a set belief that women were strong enough to walk out on any man if they were not treated with utmost respect and compassion. Friends who would complain to me about their boyfriends were given a long lasting lecture about the rights of women and how we are mistreated in the world we live in today. It was always easy for me to walk out of a relationship if I felt discomfort or mistreatment in any form. Yes, I had a little bit of patience, therefore having the ability to forego my initial assessment of the guy and try different ways to believe that he was “The One”. This endeavor would last no more than 3 months.

Usually after the first three weeks I would had already known that the person I am seeing at the time is not right for me, but ,as you already know, I hardly ever followed my gut feelings and always resorted to my mental assessment of maybes. As this is the way I work around things, I then spend a good two months or less trying my utmost best to convince myself that I am with the right person, catching glimpses of things I liked in them and trying my best to discard of all the things I disliked about him. My friends would reprimand me telling me “You just stay with them even though you know that they are not the ones for you. Why do you do that?” as I try to explain my well calculated logic to them, which always includes self blame, they continue to believe that I have an amazing tolerance for something I know that I don’t want. What they never knew was that I have an ailment which I like to call “Guilt” (read post: My ruling planet is guilt) and something else that I never knew I had was; lack of self confidence in following my inner knowing.  I prolong the breakup until I reach my limits and always tend to walk out with an explosion of words that I was unable to say at the time it was most needed. The one thing that they never really paid close attention to was the fact that I was out of there within the span of three months, making it obvious to all that my patience level is pretty short, but my official walk out on the relationship takes pretty long.

In saying all that and explaining my lack of acceptance of a female being destroyed by her male partner, I came across a song that empowered me when I needed reinforcement and external support for my inner knowing. I used to blast this song, like every song I get obsessed with, in the car, at home, in my ears through the iPod. This song would surround me, and I would offer it to the man to listen to a week before I was at the brink of walk out on him.

 As I sat in my crisp clean apartment, watching the snow trickle past my window I pick up the phone after the second ring. It was one of my best friends that lived in the states and our phone calls were a constant remedy of comfort to the both of us. She complained about the man she was dating at the time, she was horrified at her lack of taking a stand for her natural human rights. The phone call lasted two hours filled with all the right emotions leading to a breakup. First came the complaints as the stories splurged out of her then confusion took over with a variety of questions, as reality starts to slowly seeps its way into the conversation the hurdles of tears take over. Once the tears end and the sniffling begins a harsh aggressiveness grabs hold of her voice as she swears at him and confirms that she is gonna give it one more try with the new methods we just discussed over the phone. Towards the end of the conversation the melt down begins and an assertion that she must leave him becomes her new reality. Right before we shut the phone I ask her to listen to a song that will empower her in maintaining her new resolution and keep her on track of what she is worth.

A few months later she had left her man and I had started dating MJ (read Post: Happily Ever After). MJ lived in New Jersey and I was living in Montreal at the time, so our relationship during the week was based on an abundance of phone calls that usually lasted no less than six hours in the span of a day. At the very early stages of our romantic venture we discussed our personal relationship hardships. Since our phone calls always lasted so long a week into our long distance relationship MJ discussed the hardship one of his girl colleagues was having with her boyfriend at the time. He told me about how mistreated she was, that she was being used for sex and nothing else, how he tried to talk sense into her for months but it was useless she was madly in love with him although it was obvious to all that he didn’t love her. He told me how she would cry at work explaining her boyfriends misconduct with her, she told him how she would cry to him and he would always say “I am sorry” and yet nothing would come out of it. We discussed her at random for a good few days after that. I felt so sorry for her, but I also lost respect for her, I lost respect for a woman I never met before having no understanding to the fact that she was being abused. I wanted her to get out of that horrible relationship, I wanted her to walk out on him and find someone who deserved her.  During the last conversation we ever had of her, I told MJ to let her hear a song that will allow her to remember her importance. To stop listening to void promises, to just walk out, to not want to hear his pleading cries of a new change in attitude when it was obvious that it will never happen. I was told by MJ that he told her about the song, but as I have yet to see any honesty being a part of MJ’s reality, I doubt that he ever gave her the song to listen to.

Another R Young painting

Sadly enough the day came when I needed that song more than anything in the world. I heard it every time I would get a glimpse of how unfortunate my future might look if I stay with MJ. With horror I was starting to understand where all those girls were coming from. The confusion in trying to find the reality of my situation as opposed to the illusion I have been hypnotized to believe in were making me unable to take an assertive decision. Unlike any of my other relationships, I was still confused three months into the relationship. It felt like I was under a drug of some sort, a delusional drug. Or maybe it felt like someone was purposefully putting rat poison in my food in small dosages to kill all my internal functions numbing me of any ability to retaliate and figure out what was really happening. The days where the rat poison was forgotten and not administered into my food intake; I would blast this song, and scream at the top of my lunges at the injustice that was taking place in my life. Other times I would play it for MJ, screaming out the words to him, unknowingly waking him up to the fact that he had forgotten to administer his daily dosage of rat poison therefore giving me double the dosage to make me drift back into the numbness I had gotten so used to living with. This song had worked for most of the women once they heard it, what I couldn’t understand was why the song was not working for me! Today I am able to admit that the mental and emotional abuse I withstood was way above the average abuse most women had lived through, at the time all I felt was remorse for all the times I judged those women for being weak. I still feel remorse towards them but extremely happy that at the time when I was fully in control of my heart and my mind I was able to help them walk out on something that could have destroyed them forever.

I had never tasted the soul tearing anguish of heartbreaking tears before; I was one to pride myself on the strength I possessed at leaving behind a relationship with no regrets. With MJ everything changed and the little hope I had in myself vanished with all my confidence and philosophies on life. I had a few other songs that I had used as my mantra that also withered with time and I lost the ability to hear them making me remorse my old self because I was too ashamed to hear them with the same conviction I used to hear them before.

A year later, when the rat poison started to show itself in all the foods I was fed and MJ was becoming reckless with his long term plan for me, i started to listen to that song again. I had an array of songs that I started to listen to again, and I tried my utmost best to regain the memory of who I used to be before MJ. The entirety of the song were words I wished to say to him, I wished to say them with the same indifference in my voice, I wished to spew them out of my gut and lavish him in them. I was able to relate to every single word and I wanted nothing more in my life than to gain the full ability to walk out on MJ with none of my guilt issues that he had fed lovingly throughout the year.

This is the song that I dedicate to any woman who feels that she is being treated unfairly by her man. This is a song that should bring a beam of light at the end of the tunnel, it should make every woman aware that we all have had a bad man in our lives and a lot of women were as strong as the words of this song to simply walk out. You should know that you are as strong as all those powerful women and have the full ability to walk out to on anything that could be causing you a molecule of pain to your dignity, mind and heart.

Click this if you want it: Sorry
Je suis désolée
Lo siento
Ik ben droevig
Sono spiacente
Perdóname
I’ve heard it all before
I’ve heard it all before
I’ve heard it all before
I’ve heard it all before
[repeat]
I don’t wanna hear, I don’t wanna know
Please don’t say you’re sorry
I’ve heard it all before
And I can take care of myself
I don’t wanna hear, I don’t wanna know
Please don’t say ‘Forgive me’
I’ve seen it all before
And I can’t take it anymore
You’re not half the man you think you are
Save your words because you’ve gone too far
I’ve listened to your lies and all your stories (Listened to your stories)
You’re not half the man you’d like to be

I don’t wanna hear, I don’t wanna know
Please don’t say you’re sorry
I’ve heard it all before
And I can take care of myself
I don’t wanna hear, I don’t wanna know
Please don’t say ‘Forgive me’
I’ve seen it all before
And I can’t take it anymore

Don’t explain yourself ’cause talk is cheap
There’s more important things than hearing you speak
You stayed because I made it so convenient (made it so convenient)
Don’t explain yourself, you’ll never see

Gomen nasais [Japanese. English translation: “I am sorry”]
Mujhe maaf kardo [Hindi. English translation: “Please forgive me”]
Przepraszam [Polish. English translation: “I’m sorry”]
Sli’kha [Hebrew. English translation: “Forgive me”]
Forgive me…

(Sorry, sorry, sorry)
I’ve heard it all before
I’ve heard it all before
I’ve heard it all before
[repeat]

I don’t wanna hear, I don’t wanna know
Please don’t say you’re sorry
I’ve heard it all before
And I can take care of myself
I don’t wanna hear, I don’t wanna know
Please don’t say ‘forgive me’
I’ve seen it all before
And I can’t take it anymore

I don’t wanna hear, I don’t wanna know
Please don’t say you’re sorry
(Don’t explain yourself cause talk is cheap)
I’ve heard it all before, And I can take care of myself
(There’s more important things than hearing you speak)
I don’t wanna hear, I don’t wanna know
Please don’t say ‘forgive me’

I’ve heard it all before
I’ve heard it all before
I’ve heard it all before
I’ve heard it all before

Evolution of inner peace

I got to meet this wonderful person a few years ago, in the midst of all my misery with my ex husband, she was the only normal person that entered into my life. She was from the states and had just moved to the emirates, she was a life jacket to my drowning life and being. I met her a week ago as we exchanged information on both our lives and we updated on things that have been long forgotten.

Jessica lived in New York most of her life, she was born in Florida and moved to New York after she graduated and became a prominent Engineer. Her main relationship attractions were mainly Arabic men, their dark looks, their brooding eyes, and their manly mannerism gave her something she felt she lacked in the normal American guy. Jessica dated one Arabic man after the next, hoping beyond hope that one of them would end up being “The One”. It was during her Arabic man attraction phase that she met Mohammed, a young man who had been living in the states for no less than five years. As per her tale, they fell madly in love at first sight and pursued a romantic relationship for four years. As I got to know Jessica better, I got to know her story with Mohammed, her first true love, her first heart break, her first and last abusive relationship.

On  the rare occasions that we would meet for coffee back when i was married she never informed me about her previous encounter of a similar relationship to the one i was in at the time. She never really told me the whole truth, not until I knew through my own observations and constant tears that I was walking out on the life i had chosen to lead. That is when Jessica shared her story with me, her very abusive story with a man; who in two years after their relationship resorted to drugs without her knowledge, and that was when the constant verbal and emotional abuse turned into physical abuse. She left him on several occasions yet always went back to him after his pleading tears and sorrowful promises. Her whole focus in life was on him and for him, Mohammed was her life and all that mattered, her work was not taking a big role in her life, her family was a distant memory to her, her friends lost track of where she was in life. After four years of hurt and pain she went to a therapist to help her move away from him. It took her another seven years to heal from all the abuse she faced and gain herself back, her self-confidence and self-appreciation. She dated a few more Arabic men in the seven years, as they still possessed the qualities and the looks that attracted her to the opposite sex.

After seven years, Jessica  picked up her life, got all her friends back, spent time with her family and focused on her job fully. She turned into a workaholic; she breathed work, ate work, and lived work. She worked so hard that she was promoted to Senior Director in a well renowned engineering firm in New York within three years. She gained herself respect through her job and her accomplishments. Jessica knew that there is no man who can take that away from her. To her, this was who she is and what identified her as a person worth respecting, and it gave her the space to disconnect from committing herself fully to a man. It gave her the ability to stand alone diving only into her own life not into a man’s life.

It was at that point in her life that she met John. John was the complete opposite of all the men she ever dated, he was American, blond, blue-eyed, very Caucasian with simple expectations. She was not attracted to him at the beginning although they hit it off really well as friends. He lived in the emirates and so their relationship was a long distance one. It took her a year to really focus and see what a wonderful man she was with. John wanted Jessica in his life, but his pursue of her was simple not the same aggressive and taunting manner that she had gotten used to from the men she was attracted to. His methods confessed her and it took her some time to adapt to John’s ways. She was glad he didn’t live in the same country giving her space for herself to disconnect from a daily life with a man, yet having him there to listen to her when she needed him around. As she became comfortable with her new arrangement, her company had decided that they wanted to open up a branch in the Emirates. In doing so they requested her to go and set up the office as well as making her a partner in their company.

Her whole adaptation changed, as she was looking at a whole new life ahead of her. She moved to the UAE and started to set up her office branch, working crazy hours as she had gotten used to making her job the one thing that identifies her as an individual. John was there with her, ecstatic to have her in the same country having the ability to see her as often as he lived without having to book a ticket and fly all the way to her. Jessica had no time to fall in love and devote any of her time to John, they lived in separate homes for she did not want to be fully attached to someone, she needed her space to maintain her new-found base of independence.

It was at this point in life that i met Jessica, a very kind loving romantic person who was a workaholic dating a wonderful man. I remember in those days, when i was facing a tremendous agony with my husbands lack of kindness and attentiveness towards me, she would disclose the kindness and attentiveness she was receiving from John. I used to sit there and listen to all the wonderful things that John was doing for Jessica and i remember clearly thinking “Do men really do that?”. There were times where i would beg her to find time for him, that she had a great man who worshipped her, that he deserved her time and attention, i also remember her saying that she loved him very much and was giving him all that she can but her work is her priority.

I could not hear Jessica talk, i could not see where she was coming from. All i ever did, when i thought i was listening to her, was judge her for not appreciating with all her heart what she had. She had everything that i was craving to have at the time, and for the life of me i could not understand what she was trying so hard to make me see. I did judged her on so many levels internally and verbally. John had proposed to her a few months after i met her, to my surprise she had said yes but was very skeptical about it. Naturally my situation was getting a lot worse with my husband at the time and my judgment of her became more severe. I talked to her about the right way to do things, what she should and should not do. I didn’t not hear her, i never heard her. In time they got married and pregnant within the same month. I had gotten my divorce by then and got to know about her abusive relationship. I was ecstatic that she married John after all she had been through and even happier that she was pregnant, hoping that by having a child and settling down she will come to understand the value of giving herself and her time to her husband and child.

After giving birth, Jessica had no time for our coffees anymore, we met up twice after that because she was inundated with work as she was caring for a baby and still trying to adjusting to the new concept of being married. To my surprise her work still came first although her heart was aching to be with her child. Of course i judged her again, believing that she was unable to see the wonderful things in her life that required more of her time.

When i met her a week ago, a year after giving birth, Jessica was completely drained, she was fully immersed at her job, trying to manage her time with work and her child, fitting her lunch breaks and morning hours to spend a few hours with her son. This time around i really heard her, for the first time i paid attention to what she was really trying to tell me. That is when i realized that i fell into the same trap everyone falls into, the trap of judgment, disregarding what i was being told and only hearing myself vandalize to her what i thought was the right way to live your life.

After all what she had been through, all the hard work it took to find herself and walk out on an abusive relationship, Jessica was unable to let go of all her learnings. Her work identifies who she is, her work keeps her sain, her work is what bought her out of the rut she was in, her work was the one thing she could depend on. Jessica is in constant gratitude for her job and her accomplishments, regardless of how tired she is, she is happy. So who was i to judge her all this time, who was i to keep telling her what she was doing was wrong? How did i find the right to advise her on how to manoeuver in what she found the most comfortable way to live her life? She may change her priorities in the future, or she may not. That is not for me to say or to judge it is for her to find her most comfortable way to live her life and keep building the confidence she needs to manage her life the best way she sees fit. All i can say today is, Jessica is happy inside, she is managing her life the way see is able to, and all i care about as her friend, is that she is happy in which ever form she has chosen to be happy in.

Sticks and Stones….

“Sticks and Stones may break my bones but words will never hurt me.”

I must say that after my experiences in the last three years the above statement is far from the truth. It is said that most Emotionally abused women are unable to walk out of their abusive relationships cause their bruises and broken bones are obvious to no one not even to the abused. Out of my personal experience i can easily say that sticks and stones can break my bones yet once someone sees it i will be rushed to the hospital to have professional healers work to fix me. As for the brutal words that tear you apart and wound your insides, those wounds take forever to mend, for no one can see them not even you.

People need proof that something is wrong, they need to see a broken arm which indicates an immediate rush to the hospital, a building on fire will ignite people on the streets to call the firemen to put out the fire, an accident on the street alerts the passers by to call the police and ambulance for rescue. As for an internal wound that can’t be seen only felt, there is no way for this to be attended to at the right time with the right resources to fix it. It is proven that if a person bumps their head hard enough to cause pain and faintness then this person should go to the doctor to check up on it. There are times when you do go to the doctor and they cant find any evidence of future traumas therefore allowing the person to go home. A few weeks later this person dies of a blood clot in the brain that went undetected with no previous signs of any defects cause the person was perusing their daily actives as they always had.

This is what an abused person is like, there are no exterior evidence that can alert the  surrounding environment that this person needs help. What usually happens is that the abuser is always proving in front of others what a great person they are, so when the abused decides to confide in a friend the abused becomes at fault for not knowing how to work things out with such a great guy (the abuser).

How does hypnosis work? It words through words that someone uses in a certain tone and with a certain set or words to get you in a meditative state. In just knowing that, it is clear how powerful words can be and how much they can effect the human mind. An abused person starts to live in their mind listening to all the new words that have been placed there to break their confidence in themselves allowing insecurities to grow deep, trying to make sense of the outside world while their inside world has lost all its sense.

If an abused person comes to talk to you seeking help to make sense of her life, pay close attention you may be able to help that person break free of her pain early enough to allow the damages that are in motion to stop so the healing period will not last a lifetime. Praising the abuser  is only a  confirmation to the abused that she is going mad making her believe it is all her fault that she should be treated badly by her man. There is never a strong enough excuse for bad behaviour. There is never an excuse for humiliation and pain to be a part of ones life style, especially when that becomes her life cause of loving the wrong man.

SO i conclude this article by saying that Sticks and Bones may break my bones but WORDS DO break my spirit.