Ecstasy at its Best


The fear over took me as I lifted one leg up placing it carefully on a tiny little pedal as the other leg flew over the narrow seat and rested on the opposing  pedal. My hands grasped Mark’s shoulders as I slowly sat down on the narrow leather seat. I felt like chocking up, I was unable to breath, the large helmet closed around my face, cradling my chin and covering my ears and cheeks only allowing a narrow opening for my eyes to see and nose to breath. I asked Mark repeatedly “Are you sure this is safe? The last time I did this I was nine years old.” And Mark kept reassuring me “Trust me it is very safe, you will feel the freedom you have always longed for”

As Mark started to move very slowly with his motorcycle I relaxed for a few seconds giving full and utter trust in Mark’s abilities and the fact that he has been riding since a very young age. Just as I was starting to talk myself into the reliability of what I was on, I found my legs thrown off of the pedals and crashing against the cement floor as the motorcycle fought to hold itself up. I got off the bike in a heart beat as Mark tried to lift it off its tilted angel with all the strength he had in his legs. Once the bike was up again, standing the way a bike should stand I hesitated for a few seconds before hoping back on it. I didn’t want to make Mark feel that he was not competent at what he loved to do the most and yet the fear of my life being under someone else’s hands was overwhelming. Needless to say, the need and desire to make Mark feel that I still trusted him over took my fear and I was back on the bike, pretending like nothing happened. As we started to drive off again, this time moving a lot faster I felt my heart was gonna throw itself outside of my chest and give up on me.

“Why do I always do that to myself?”  I wondered “Why is it always someone else’s feelings that I worry about a lot more than mine?” I was afraid, so afraid all I was able to do was come to terms that this was how I was gonna die. I kept repeating prayers in my mind and heart as my arms wrapped themselves around Mark’s waist. I kept asking God to forgive all my sins and forgive any bad I had done in my life, and as I kept praying and visualizing my death we came to a halt and I was surrounded by other bikers all parked in front of a bike store chatting away and purchasing things for their bikes. Once we were off the bikes, Mark took off and went inside the store to check out helmets as I stood outside observing all the people around me, watching their facial expressions and seeing them wave a polite hello to me. Mark appeared again and asked me to go in the store with him and check it out, I obediently did that, out of worry of being left alone with the death machine.

Against all my wishful prayers, we got on the bike again and this time I was sure we were gonna die. Mark was a pro at driving a Harley and I should have felt safe internally, the anguish was beyond my understanding, the images in my head were overwhelming me as the wind crashed itself against my face and body. We stopped again at a gas station before our long trip to the sea, he asked me again at the gas station if I was ok and up for the ride and humbly I said “Yes I am ready for it” unknowingly to him that I had come to terms that God had planned my death on that very day, on that motorcycle, on a long desert road towards the sea that I was sure I would never see.

The Harley was filled up with gas, our helmets were back on our heads, my hands were balanced on marks shoulders and we were off onto the highway that is known to have killed hundreds of thousands of people. I prayed again and again, and asked for forgiveness from God in every possible form and envisioned how mad my mom would be on the day of my funeral that I actually got on a motorcycle and never told her. As all these fears and images came flashing by me something started happening to me a very unexpected turn of events. My prayers became more positive; I started asking God to bless me with a wonderful life filled with the wonderful freedom I was feeling internally at this very moment. My arms loosened from around mark’s waist and they now leaned casually on his shoulders. My head tilted up towards the sky watching the clouds form all sorts of shapes and animals. I forgot all my fears and I felt like I was one with nature and life. I lost track of life and all my worries and my mind seemed to venture in all the right directions with all the right thoughts and right expectations. Reality would come crashing at me the minute Mark would caress my leg to make sure I was doing fine and I would remember that I was on a motorcycle and not up there in the clouds having an out of body experience. Even when I would come back to reality and notice where I really was, there was nothing but utmost joy in my heart, the fear had dissipated itself into a world that refused to accept its presence anymore.

After half an hour of the most amazing ride of my life, Mark asked me if I wanted a cigarette break and I screamed out loudly “YES” with a giddy smile and a laughter I had no more control over. We stopped, I took of my helmet and started to jump up and down with loving joy. I thanked Mark for making me take this trip with him, I thanked him with all my heart at the amazing experience he just provided me with. My heart was filled with gratitude and love for this man, he took me out of my worries and gave me freedom unlike any other known to man. Once we were done we hoped back onto the bike and I was ecstatic to get back on it again, I could not wait to have the wind blow up against my body or the rush of excitement that came with speed, or the basic feeling of my soul freed outside of my body.

We continued our ride some more and in another half hour found a bike stop over where all the other motorcycles stopped to talk and take a break. As we sat down on a table sipping on our coffees we watched all the other bikers getting ready to leave, and the rush I felt inside as I watched them drive away made me crave to get on the bike again.

A small discussion went on between me and Mike and we both came to terms that it would take us another hour to get to the sea and then another hour to enjoy the beauty of nature and an hour and half to drive back. This was all going to be hard to do before sunset and therefore decided to head back into town and do this trip another day. My heart ached a bit when we decided upon that, I wanted to see the sea so badly, just to complete this wonderful feeling I had inside. I need that final closure to that wonderful ride, and the one way of feeling that and doing it was to actually be by the sea and meditate to the sound of the waves.

As we drove back, I forgot the urge to see the water and the waves and felt elated again to be on the motorcycle. The wind was getting stronger and my body felt that it would fly off the bike at any moment, but I didn’t care the least bit, I was on this bike and my soul was over joyed, I had no fears I only had an abundance of love in my heart and wanted to cherish every second of it.

What I learnt was that fear is conquerable because it is something that does not exists outside of ones mind. Those random images that kept my stomach turned over and my heart racing were only images conjured by my own mind. Once I faced my fear, came terms with it and accepted it as only a fear, I actually broke free of it. It did not exist anymore, it could not exist anymore because all those images fled away and they didn’t stop me from going ahead and doing what the “fear” tried its best to stop me from doing.

Fear froze me yet the conquering of it set me free to find a new hobby that allows my soul to drift off into wonderful realms of my true reality. Bless you Mark for the persistence on getting me on that Bike and thanks for showing me the beauty that exists outside my own mind.

For the Poem Click on ” I must admit 

The age of 31

“I used to see the flaw in every diamond. Now stones astound me with their perfection.” written by nothingprofound Click on Icon “Lovely Aphorisms..”

The best year of my life was when I turned thirty one. That was the year in which I lost most of my ability to care about what others thought of me or who I was supposed to be. Sitting amongst my friends in a coffee shop, I rested my back on the uncomfortable wooden chair as I placed my hands on my thighs and watched my friends scolding one of the residents of the table regarding her approach towards religion. Although the friend that was being scolded lived a pretty good life with pretty normal expectations she was still not being given a chance to do with her life as she wished to do. In addition she was not to pursue her religion the way she felt she wanted to. It seemed that others expectations of her were greater and very different than what her expectations of herself were.

As I sat there watching the constant criticism that was being bestowed upon her by the dearest people in her life, I came to a realization about myself; I lost my ability to care about what anyone really thinks about my way of life. Who was anyone to tell me how I should feel or think? Who gave anyone the right to tell me how I should handle a certain situation while criticizing the way I had already handled it? Knowing very well that I can’t turn back time and mend it the way they would like me to mend it.

As the days started to pass by, and I was become more and more integrated into the new awareness my whole demeanor started to change. I walked into places with less concern about who was looking and what people were thinking of me. My dress code became fully convenient of my mood rather than having it be for the entertainment of receiving the desired complement. My body felt comfortable to me, I started to feel at ease within my own skin. I looked at myself in the mirror differently, I saw a lovely person, filled with charisma and beauty that I had never really seen before. I came to accept who I am and stopped fighting my core self. I was coming to terms with the fact that; who I have always been will always be who I am.  No matter how much I spent trying to change myself to what each person perceived would be better for me, I was still who I was, my inner self was still the way it always was.

The greatest thing that dawned on me at thirty one was that no matter what my family expected of me or my friends assumed I should do, they still had complaints. Nothing ever satisfied anyone, there was always a fault to be mended and once it was mended then there arouse another fault out of the previously mended fault. In constantly wanting to fix myself according to what others expectations of me where, I lost touch with what I really wanted out of my life and my personality.

People are never happy with anything, there is always a criticism coming one way or another. If you do something great, people will find a fault in it, praising themselves in the process as they express how they could have done it better and how you should have done it their way. What dawned on me at the late age of thirty one was that no matter how I chose to do things there will always be someone, somewhere ready to criticize it. If I wore the red dress I was told to wear to the party, there will be people there that will criticize my choice of color voicing that I look better in green and I should have worn green. If I wear the green to the next party then there will be those who will put down the green and say that I should stick to blues.

There is no pleasing everyone, there is no pleasing anyone, there is only pleasing yourself and caring only for what you think is best for you. Whatever pace you want to pursue your religion in, is yours to judge. Whatever you want to make of your life, it is yours to make. Whomever you want to talk to is yours to decide upon. However you want to act is upon your own judgment of yourself. Most importantly; whatever your vales are, will always be your values to keep and abide by.

People will always criticize people, even if the person is an angel sent from the heavens above with no flaws; a flaw will be found. So love who you have become, accept yourself with all your faults and all your greatness, for there is no one worthy of pleasing but yourself.