When does it become unacceptable?

Anger boils over inside of me as Jack asked “Well did he hit you?”

“No” Emily says, surprised that he would even ask that question. Was all what she was saying not enough to walk out on her current relationship? My face was starting to hurt from the frown that had over taken my face for the past half hour, listening to Emily re-tell her story with her husband to Jack as tears rolled down her face. I couldn’t understand why Jack was even asking if her husband was hitting her? What relevance did that have to do with the pain Emily has been suffering for years with this man?

I asked him point blank “What relevance does this have? Is it not enough that He is constantly swearing at her, slamming doors all over the house, being completely impolite to any member of her family or any of her friends that enter her house, he doesn’t give her money to be able to support the house hold requirements and her baby girls requirements yet spends a ton on his friends and his entertainment, he is out partying every single night without her, he doesn’t allow her to go to bars or clubs at night without him even though he does constantly, he has caused his little girl to wake up screaming at night fearing that her father would kill her mother, he sits and does nothing in the house except talk on the phone to his buddies laughing or flipping through tv channels as she keeps running around the house fixing things, he uses his kids for his social outings to be accepted in society, he doesn’t allow her to work so she doesn’t attract the attention of the opposite sex” I take a deep breath in, calm myself down and asked calmly “So answer this Jack, what does it matter, to you, if he hits her or not?” Jack looked at me surprised as though I was asking him a question about giving birth and how he felt during it. I repeated my question to him more aggressively and he finally responded saying “Well since he does not hit her, then they can work things out. hitting her would be unacceptable in every way possible.”

Shocked out of my wits I didn’t know how to answer him back, all that rummaged through my mind was the fact that if a woman ever dared do all that to her husband she would be banished by everyone including her family, they would tell her that it is up to her to make this marriage work. Any man who went to complain about the same things would have given the green light for every human being (male or female) to reprimand the woman until she breaks down in humiliation for her actions. Yet when a woman complains about being mistreated on a daily basis the world tends to stand by his side and ask the woman to accept it as long as she is not being physically abused. She is supposed to take in his infidelity, his rudeness, his verbal condemning ways, his absence physically and financially and only be able to make a valid stand if he went out of his way and hit her.

Strange how this type of injustice is not accepted upon animals and yet upon women it is considered bad, yet not unjust. A woman is put in a position today to accept all that is done to her by a man because he has not physically abused her YET. A woman is expected to be the brains in the family, the glue that holds everything together regardless of what her mental state has become because of all the degrading ways she has been treated.  A woman has to turn a blind eye to her husband having affairs hoping that he will one day come to his senses, but when that day never comes she has to confront him and in return the society gives the excuse of him being a “Man” and men need more than one woman. She is then asked yet again to accept it and be a better wife to her husband cause she was probably the reason he went to another woman for sex. If a woman cheats on her husband she is thrown to the gutters, her kids are taken away from her, her marriage is over, her is shunned out from society with not a single word mentioned that it could have possibly been the husbands fault.

What really gets to me is this, after my talk with Emily and Jack, I found Emily agreeing with Jack, seeing his point of view, assessing the situation and wronging herself the whole time. She provoked his anger, she allowed him to neglect her and stop spending money on her and the family, it was her fault she was too busy taking care of the house and her child and her new pregnancy, of course he would go mad and naturally she thanked God that he never hit her “He is a good man that he never hit me. I would have left for sure.”

And in that ended the whole pain she had been suffering for years with her husband. I later on found out that all her girlfriends gave her a similar advice and sad as it was, women accept this upon themselves. Women will tell women to stick around in a horrible relationship, with a cheating man, with a stingy guy, with a man who has temper management issues and tell the woman it is all in her hands to make this work.

When have we ever become the weaker sex? We are able to give birth, take care of a house, go to work, socialize with the world and sleep for a maximum of six hours a night and still have the ability to do everything and more than any man could even dream of. What happened to reprimanding a man for his misconduct and behavior, who said it was ok? Who said that we were born, as women, to live this way? How come every man gets away with murder and women can’t get away with an extra hour of sleep if needed?

Women know how to build fear in other women, making them accept the unacceptable. Telling them horror stories of what life would look like if she did leave her husband “You will not be able to support yourself, you have not worked for years.” Or “What about the kids? They need a father figure” or “Live with it till your kids are old enough then leave”or “ Who will every marry a woman with children? It is too much baggage. So it is best to stay with the man who helped in procreating them.”

What women don’t understand is this “If women stood up and supported one another and did not accept to be treated in such a disturbing disregard to their humanity then men will have no choice but to stop.” As long as the world accommodates such actions and only the visual physical abuse is the allowed reason to leave a man, women will always be where they are today, and they will keep procreating more men that abuse their women, cause women don’t know how to stand up for their human rights.

If every woman keeps accepting this as a way of life, and if women will always advise women to be the abused member of the family then things will never change and women will always be spat on. Her kids will also treat her with disrespect the way their father had, and they will repeat the same pattern onto their wives in the future and every woman will again tell that woman in pain “It is ok, it is all in your hands, you’re the smarter one. Men are like children let him do his thing, and you stay the good wife, he will come around. As long as he didn’t hit you then you can fix it.”

Emilie’s story is one of the many stories I have came across in all these years of watching and listening to couples. With such sadness I have to say that I might have met one in every 30 marriages where there is a balanced relationship between man and woman. What women don’t understand is this: they are telling their daughters that it is ok to be treated this way and they are telling their sons it is ok to treat a woman this way. They think they are making life better for their children when in reality they are allowing the same patterns to continue to evolve and have no regard to how their daughters will be treated in the future or how their sons will treat women.

The beauty of my Planet X

I was reading through all my previous articles and i realized i loved this one so much, that i had to re-post it again 🙂

Within the last three years my life took a detour unlike any I had ever encountered in the 32 years I had existed on this earth.

I had lived a life filled with love, hope and dreams of pink ponies and a prince on a white horse. I believed in all the beauties of the great possibilities of what the future may hold for me. My existence was based on love; love of others, love of life and most importantly the belief in everlasting love with my soul mate. I believed in every cell of my body that my soul mate was just a step away from me, I dreamt of it and at times I felt it. I dreamt of my happily ever after as I basked in the comforts of security and financial bliss provided to me on a silver platter by my parents.

Life was a pink bubble of dreams waiting to happen. I lived in my heart, I lived in my soul and I lived most of my time in my thoughts; a place my family used to call “Planet X”. I spent 80% of my time on planet X and I utterly relished every moment of it. On my private planet I had a beautiful home that was white in color in the rare areas in which something other than glass windows showed. It possessed a beautiful large dark wooden terrace that wrapped itself around three quarters of my glass home. My home over looked the most luscious green fields on one side and faced the wide ocean expanse on the other side.   A cobbled street lead up to my front door as it settled itself amongst an array of fruit trees providing a colorful design to the surrounding fields of green. Butterflies flew haphazardly on top of an abundance of wild flowers that continuously swayed with the soft chilled breeze that blew across the sea. There were Small colored shops filled with the smiles of potential buyers and the hopeful sellers. There were a small variety of restaurants that were embedded underneath the gushing flow of a tempress waterfall.  I had horses and ponies that knew me by my fragrance and raced towards me when I would enter their fields of freedom to welcome me into their world. I had peace, love, happiness and honesty amongst everyone that lived on planet X. Most importantly my Planet X gave me the ability to see my real world with peace, love, happiness and honesty.

For the last three years I have been trying to find Planet X, I try to sit on my own to conjure it back into my life; sadly I have realized that Planet X has left me, it spat me out of its heavenly comforts. It left me to fend for myself; with no more fruitless hope on the great possibilities of a dream like future to go back to.

I miss planet X, I miss my outlook on life and I miss having trust and belief in the good of others. Within the last three years I had married a man I believed to be my soul mate, no later than eight months I was demolished and divorced the cruelest man I had ever encountered in my whole life.  That was the first sign of the hazy disappearance of my Planet X, as it still remained a part of my life, but a lot less vivid, I believed that things will only get better after the biggest crush of my life. Sadly, I made another wrong choice as I was still trying to believe in the good in humanity. I chose to share an apartment with a woman who showed nothing but kindness and love for me, to discover a year and a half later that she was disclosing my pain to others and destroying my reputation using tactfully planned lies for no reason other than preserving her need to make her surrounding environment believe the lie of the person she really was. Once I had gotten back on my feet again trying to bring into my life my Planet X in hopes of reviving my bright hopes of the future again. To my dismay it took a few months to find my Planet X, and this time around I noticed how its previously vibrant colors were diminishing behind a grey colored smog. It was hard to acquire hope or muster up any positive outlook on humanity. During that period in my life, my only sanctuary was my work, I had a passion for it unlike anything else, and any possibility of ever leaving it was deleted by my abundance of loyalty I had for it. After pouring my heart and soul into my work and proving myself completely competent of all the tasks that were under my scope and out of my scope of work I was pleased to know that my company decided to hire a new member into our wonderful team. A few months down the line, the new member’s attitude started to slowly creep its way into my professional life, I was unable to comprehend what he was trying to do. He smiled with earnest in front of me as he praised my continuous ability to make things happen at work. To my dismay, as time elapsed, I found that most of the jobs that I was handling were nowhere to be seen, he was discarding of me, and hating my tremendous closeness to all the people I worked with and for. He took work away from me telling me it was taken care of while making others believe I was not competent enough to do the work. He never once confronted me with anything, his mode of communication with me consisted of nothing more than jokes, gossips and continuous praise. The work environment became competitive and it lost all the beauty of group work. I had to watch my back with my every move as I monitored his every move, suspecting all his underlying truths knowing they were all lies. I fought like a lioness protecting her cubs, not succumbing to a bully trying to demolish all the hard work I had slaved for in two years. He was tranquilized for a few months until his strength was built again, taunting me with the same methods in a much sneakier way this time around.

As I continued fighting my work battle I lost total faith in humanity and planet X had completely disappeared. I could not even access it anymore for I was unable to sit with myself for more than five minutes. A month after my first confrontation at work took place my parents got divorced and I lose sight of everything I ever held close to my heart. My sanctuary, my security and my home were gone. All what I believed to be real was erased from my being and there was nothing to hold onto anymore.  From a life of complete love, acceptance, support, humanity, respect, values, loves from great men, friends that were devoted to my friendship and an artistic business that I owned; came the forceful gush of the harsh doors of emotional and mental hell. Of course planet X disappeared from my existence as I had come to understand that I don’t believe in it anymore. My three year experiences showed me a side to humanity that I had never known existed before. Those devastating three years poured its black gunk all over my beautiful pink bubble, over powering all the beauty that lived within it.

Today as I am still battling the dark disappointments within me, I have missed Planet X with all the innocence it had provided me with. I want to go back to Planet X, I am working hard to seduce it back into my life, I am exhausted of disappointment, I am tired of sadness and I am open to all the upcoming experiences that I must face. I have come to terms with a few of my disappointments, knowing that today I am fully aware of what I DO NOT want in my life giving me more clarity to the things I truly cherish and want in my life.

I am able today to see my planet X, i actually can touch it every once in a while and it is a welcoming feeling that i have longed for. My planet X has found it’s way through all the mess and has started to cleanse my soul bit by bit and with every breath i take it filters me with hope and love and removes all the dirt and dust.

Submit BlogPromote Blog
Submit Blog

blogs jar candles allie marie

Trust in Alex – Part 4

Life continues in the same way it always had, work, home, an outing and home again. In between all of that I took a break from meeting men or even dating anyone, I had no will power to sit and decode what a man was all about and was not ready to face the disappointments I was sure I was bound to find.

A few months after my revelation and some random polite coffee drinks with Alex at work, I resolved to forgetting all I heard from Alex that dreadful day and move on with life. We start to talk as friends again but this time around I had no misconception of who he really was and his complaints about his wife were starting to show more than before. I listened to him when he needed to talk but I had zero sympathy inside me towards him, I just listened and would throw a comment here and there which I think he chose to ignore. I started to stare at all men in a different way, expecting each and every one of them to be a cheating bastard too. My friends noticed my aggression towards men in those few months and resolved to talking to me about it, I told them the story and in return they told me that not all men are like that. Since I wanted and needed hope in believing in men again I chose to believe them therefore making it easier for me to be-friend guys again without the skepticism I had grown accustomed to.

In the mean time when Alex would join me for a cup of coffee at work we kept the conversations light hearted, all jokes and laughter and in time I lost my anger towards him but not my disappointment in him. Then one day as we were sucking the living lights out of our cigarettes he tell me “Did you know that my wife was very skeptical of you and was wondering who you were? That is why I made us all meet for coffee I wanted her to see that you were really only a friend and there was no threat.” I looked at him then and I took another long drag from my cigarette, puffed it out and said “So why didn’t you tell me that before? I would hate for any woman to feel threatened by me over her man, I would have put in a larger effort to continue calling her and comforting her.” I was agitated by what I just heard and it showed on my tone of voice.

“I didn’t want you to feel strange, my wife is a jealous person, that is all.” He said casually making it seem like its not a big deal. So I asked “You told me that she trusts you and that she knows you have a ton of girlfriends and she liked me.” I paused then continued “So did she know I went out for lunch with you and your secret sex buddy that day? Or did she not know?” I was starting to get worried, I didn’t want to be a part of any of his lies and if that were the case I would make sure never to talk to him again, this was definitely not a place I ever wanted to put myself in.

“She didn’t know about Sue, but she knew you were joining us on our outing, but to be honest she was not to happy with it and she started to ask me questions about our relationship with one another. Don’t worry I told her we were friends at work and you wanted to meet new people, and she was fine with it after that.”

Oh God the whole time I had that gut feeling telling me not to go was right all along, I shouldn’t have and I knew better than to go. I could not believe that she felt threatened by me in any way and actually questioned why I was going out with her husband. This was getting ugly in my head, but I was the one to blame, I actually went out to that lunch and ever since then I was unable to call Julie knowing that I know a secret about her husband that she didn’t know would have been murder to deal with. I swore to never go out with her husband unless she was around or I had a boyfriend that I would tag along, not that I ever really wanted to go out again with her husband and his friends. I not one to observe cheaters and maintain staying in the same vicinity as them.

So at that point I knew a secret I could not tell and I was never gonna be able to site with Julie knowing what her marriage state was really like. So I never called her again or even tried, I stayed away in fear of what I would say in her presence that would destroy her imaginary lovely marriage. The days continued and life went on, Alex was not constantly over at our site office but other friends were there and so my mind would enjoy the different topics I would hold with other people away from the trauma I had experienced with Alex’s choice of life style.

Eleven months passed since the first time I ever met Alex and I had not gone out with him or his friends ever again since my last experience. But we had a good friendship at work and he truly was a very funny person to hang out with. Until one day he asked me how my love life was like and I told him that there was nothing to it, a few dates here and there but nothing more than a few drinks and dinner and then I would lose interest through utmost bordom with the guy. I confessed to him that after I knew his story and his ways with his wife it was very hard to trust a man ever again. In the same breath I explained to him my soul mate theory and told him that I truly believe there is this one perfect man out there for me who will be my right fit and with full assurance told him that he would never cheat on me. We would be friends and partners, we would be able to talk about everything and anything, that there would be romance on beaches and loyalty towards one another without a doubt in out minds or hearts. I explained all the dreams i held on to the romantic images i believed in and most of all i persisted on mentioning loyalty as a fact that i could not live without. Lo and behold, that last straw of hope I ever had came crashing down upon me like a sledge hammer banging its self upon my head until I was left with nothing but a few strands of hair left on my bleeding skull as Alex started to talk.

I wish I had never answered his question that God forsaken day, I wish I just ignored it and said the typical response “I am not ready for a relationship. Men suck” it would have been simpler and would have ended that whole entire subject. Obviously I have not mastered the ability to turn back time and therefore I was stuck in the here and now and the mistake of actually answering that question using my honest opinion.

Alex sat across from me with his arms folded and his ankles crossed as he so effortlessly said “There is no such thing as a man who doesn’t cheat” my mind begged me to ignore his comment but my uncontrolled love of questioning things took over and my tongue formed the words “What is wrong with you? Of course there is, I have seen it so many times and I have so many friends married to wonderful men who would never cheat on their wives.”  I fixed up my slouched position as I went into attack mode “If you’re a cheater that does not mean that all men cheat, it is not about following your dick everywhere you go, there are repercussions for that type of behavior you know. Karma is a bitch, one day you will find out your wife is cheating on you or your future daughter is being cheated on. How would that make you feel?” in one breath I continued to say “So not all men cheat, there are men who fear karma.” I lean my back on the chair again feeling fulfilled with my response expecting it to end there.

Naturally it didn’t, and I should have know better than to argue with Alex about something he finds utterly normal. He argued his point with a soft spoken attitude, still maintaining his body posture showing no signs of anger or irritability. “You know, your right, there are only 0.1% of men who don’t cheat and they are the men who are grateful that they had just one woman accept to marry them or come near them. So if you want a man to be loyal I suggest you go for the losers who have never been able to score with a single women their whole lives, and they will never be able to score with a woman other than their wives.” I brushed him off with a stroke of my hand in the air recognizing the discreet complement he was giving himself and kept my mouth shut. I stared off into the  distant  and thought to myself “Well, I want a loser then.”

In noticing that I had started to lose interest in his theoretical facts Alex unfolded his arms, pushed himself further up on his chair, leaned his back forward, rested his arms on his thighs and began his determination in bursting my well fabricated soul-mate bubble.

“So you believe that all your friends husbands have been faithful or will never cheat on them?” He asks, I nod my head in agreement with a fact I believe in. At this point I am sitting with my arms crossed over my chest, my legs stretched out in front of me as they leaned on one another at the ankles. Obviously uninterested in what he had to say I avoided giving the conversation any more of my time. Alex would simply not give up “So how are you sure they never cheated? Are you with them every minute of the day?” he asks me, provoking an answer from me and I simply tell him not all men possess animal instincts and it seems that I have more faith in humanity of males than he does. “Aha….well that is human, men have urges they can’t control, sex and love are two different things all together. Each one holds no association to the other. But believe me when I tell you that there is not a single man in the world who is not cheating on his wife. Especially the religious ones who have brainwashed people to believe it is a sin. In specific the Muslims they cheat all the time, but they have called it marriage today allowing for a maximum of four wives per-person making it legal and acceptable.” Upon hearing him out and noticing how smug he was getting I maintained my calm and told him it is obvious he is surrounded by idiots who think screwing around makes them manly men and he has found ways to make his excursions seem a daily norm. Now Alex is lifting an eyebrow at me and doing his little side ways smile allowing for cute dimples to show their way through his words “Remember the guy that was with me the day you met sue with me for lunch?” I nod take a side glance at him and resort back to staring at nothing. “Well he is married and loves his wife to death, but he cheats on her, or actually was excited that night to go out knowing his wife is not around to meet women. Why would he want to meet women if not to get that manly man feeling he needs as all men need. Do you think he will not cheat? He is so excited to be in Dubai where the women are so easy to have a one night stand with the last thing on his mind is NOT to cheat.” Feeling like he made his point loud and clear Alex leaned back on his chair, I maintained my aloofness while burning inside to punch the hell out of him for making all men seem like horny dogs.

Alex continued his path of destruction knowing that it was starting to get to me and his stories started to pour out the minute I decided to say “ Well with my man that wont happen, we will be with one another most of the time and if not then we are both at work, when will he ever find the time to sleep with someone else?”

Mistake…mistake….mistake…MISTAKE. Why did I not keep my mouth shut oh GOD WHY?

To be continued…….

Trust in Alex-Part 3

Part 3

Alex took a deep breath as he rapidly said to me in Arabic “Oh the ring….well…..the thing is that it is a very hot day today and so I didn’t want to wear too much so I decided to take the ring off….cause it is a hot day….it is hot and I didn’t want to wear too many things” I stared at him for a few seconds  as he tried to remove his eyes away from mine and started to fiddle with his shirt buttons. I questioned him in Arabic saying “How bizarre…… I have never heard of someone getting so hot that they keep all their cloths on and take off a tiny little ring therefore relieving them of the heat?” I sarcastically continued to say in English this time to make it a point to all those sitting with us “it would have made more sense to take off your shirt, maybe put on shorter shorts or even shave off your hair”  and then turning around to lanky guy i continue to say “but never the ring” I laughed at my own joke as I turned around to talk to the woman sitting to my left. That conversation didn’t go on for too long she seemed extremely uncomfortable with the way me and Alex were discussing things in Arabic making her feel completely excluded and more so upon hearing the english sentence i so clearly stated about his ring.

The discomfort I was feeling deep in my gut was starting to irritate me and i wanted to leave, i didn’t know what was bothering me until I understood that the reason I was feeling so uncomfortable was the fact that the Woman on my left was pulsating energies of extreme possessiveness over Alex. Every time I would talk to him she would clench her fist and her body would move closer to Alex as though I was trying to steal him away from her. Another strange thing was that Alex was extremely nervous around her trying his best to make her feel comfortable and included. I started to get a nagging inkling that there was something very off about the woman to my right and that feeling included Alex. So my natural reaction was to remind myself that I was not invading her territory knowing very well that the only women who deserves to be territorial was no other than Julie, Alex’s wife. In wanting to make a loud and clear point to this woman I started to talk about Julia excessively trying to throw a reminder to the strange woman on my right that she is NOT his wife and she better start acting in that respect. As we were all about to leave, Alex asked me to join them for a swim at the beach and I gladly refused with every ounce of my being. I bid them all farewell as I made sure to point at Alex’s hand and tell him loud and clear to put his ring back on and resort to removing his shirt as an alternative method of cooling himself off next time.

That first Sunday morning, right after the weekend Alex came to visit me on site. I had debated the entire weekend if I should call him to give him a piece of my mind or not, I resorted to not calling for the sake that it was none of my business as I was nowhere within that premises of deciet. I was still unsure of what all that was about, what the women was and who she was and why Alex removed his ring when he was around her. Was she someone who had a crush on him and he didn’t want to hurt her feelings? Was she an ex girlfriend who hated his wife? I didn’t want to know and I didn’t care to know so I didn’t call. But when he showed up all happy and bubbly at my site office for a cup of coffee and a chat I had no way of holding back what I needed to ask. I allowed him his five minutes of fun talk and then I asked him as casually as i possibly could “So Alex, who was that woman friend of yours with her buttons about to pop open and her possessive attitude towards you? The woman nearly stabbed me to death every time i spoke to you?” he simply looked at me with the same smile he carried with him throughout his earlier conversation and said “Who are you talking about Rain, are you talking about Sue?” playing stupid he continued with “Ah yeah.……..i think you mean Sue!” he added a slight giggle to the end of that question and continued to say “Sue is my friend, actually my best friend for years and years. She must have acted that way probably cause she was in a bad mood or something” I stayed silent expecting for more information but when non came i went on and said “Look Alex, no woman acts this possessive over JUST a friend. She was about to hammer my head in every time I would speak to you. And with all honesty even your wife was not that freaked out from me when I saw her. Sue’s dress was made to sex up a man and obviously the man she wanted to sex up was you. So tell me the truth who is she?” and before allowing him to start answering me back i blurted out in contained anger “And what the hell happened with the whole ring thing? I see your not feeling so hot today and your ring is back on!!!! What was that all about?” furious with myself for getting this angry and even more furious that he was not telling me the truth making me feel like a total idiot.

The reason I was this furious is because Alex destroyed all the glamorous hope of a good man ever existing, he crushed it to pieces and I was hoping with every cell in my body that I what I was about to hear would revive all that hope again. I kept looking at him with nothing more than hope in my eyes and a challenging look in which I was begging him silently to prove my thoughts wrong. I continued to bagger him with a “hmmmmmm….come on….. tell me….” And more persistently asking “just be honest…who is this Sue?” A glow over takes his face and he lifts up his head and stares at me long and hard then with complete contempt on his face he says to me “ Sue is my ex girlfriend from before I met my wife.” He pauses in anticipation of my reaction and notices that I am still standing there waiting for the rest of the story, he then takes a breath in and blows it out as he says in a low voice “We dated for a while and then we broke up but we stayed sexually together for a while after that. Whomever I dated after her never stopped the friendship me and sue had, it was simple she was my Sex buddy for years”.

Still in my very innocent state of mind I get a slight comfort in what he just told me, she was an ex girlfriend who held a grudge cause he got married to someone else, or so I wanted to believe until I heard the next sentence “We also continued to have sex after I got married, she was a friend at the end of the day and that was one of the many things we did in our friendship” I could not believe it, my love story was coming to a complete end the more words that kept floating out of Alex’s mouth the more i stopped being able to comprehend my new reality. So in a soft whisper I asked him “Does your wife know anything about this?” and he says “of course not…. she knows we are only friends but strangely enough a year ago she wanted me to stop talking to her for no reason at all.” surprised at his surprise I then ask sarcastically “So she had no idea and simply asked you never to see your supposed best friend ever again” and he said “ Yes, things were great she used to fly into town to come visit us and sleep over at our house, there were times where we would watch tv together and they would both be sitting next to me lying their heads on my shoulders. There was never a problem at all. So I don’t know what changed my wife around. She just stopped wanting her around.” With a sigh he continued to say “Women feel things, I am sure she felt there was something there” so I promised her that I would stop talking to her.

In utter dismay I tell him “Obviously you haven’t, she is here visiting you from out of town acting like an extremely jealous girlfriend. Your wife is out of town, what are you going to tell her?” and he simply said “She will never know, I answer her calls, we talk she knows I go out at night and party with my friend. Why should she know?” I stare at him, I feel like I am doing nothing but stare at him throughout this whole entire disturbing conversation. “ we are not sleeping together anymore, I made that very clear to her before she came to visit me. I told her that we are only friends with no sex.” He shook his head up and down to affirm what he just told me.

“So she is fine with that?” I ask and don’t wait for an answer before I say “obviously she is still pretty obsessed with you, and I don’t believe that you are not sleeping together anymore. I don’t believe it for a second, especially that you had your ring off and you never take off that ring. And the way she was acting was so obvious….why Alex?”  He looks at me sincerely and says “trust me we are not anymore, I am a good man to my wife. Believe me, she is trying all day to seduce me into sex and I am not giving her a chance. She walks around my apartment in her sexy lingerie and I don’t even budge, I keep my eyes on the tv”

“At your house!!!!! In her lingerie???!!!! Are you kidding!!! Do I look like there is the word idiot written all over my forehead?” I ask him with utter shock at what I just heard and then I gently express with utmost sadness in my voice “You poor wife…your poor poor wife, trusting you the way she does, having no idea who you really are”. I resort to ending the topic at hand, my chest was starting to tighten and the air was starting to escape me. Is it possible that this wonderful man is a cheater and such a great liar? Needless to say I had just unraveled the tip of the iceberg that day not knowing the abundance of new knowledge I will be acquiring from this young man in the months to come.

We end the topic and I go back to my desk unable to do any work or concentrate on anything other than hoping God didn’t hear my wishes for a man like Alex. Wishing with all my might that all these wishes I sent out don’t ever get answered and I start to write a men hating list instead.

To be continued………

Paris 2007

(Going from Dubai to Montreal I stop in Paris for 10hours and I take the train and go down town, I had not been there in 4 years. This is an old poem i found i wrote back then, like many more. This one felt right to share on this very day)

A heart that beats with every breath……….. a Soul that whispered to me with every step.

The morning Dew upon the leaves……. the striking sun that’s coming to life

Casually walking down the streets looking upon the strangers faces

Joy, sadness, love and betrayal were all displayed and all revealed

I sat down in a close by café ……..I took out my book to read

But my eyes could not remove themselves from the beauty of others simple ways

I watched………..I looked…………I listened………I smiled

Love and  kisses and hugs and laughter

Couples displaying all they could muster from the love they felt from within

No shame in what they felt, no calculation on when to touch

 

Follow that feeling…Follow that voice

It was a horrible time, I hated every minute of my living arrangements and avoided going back home whenever the opportunity arose. I had been living a lie for a year and had recently come to the understanding that whom I was living with was nothing of who I thought she was. I started developing the inability to look that person in the eye or be in the same space as her, I felt stifled in my own home. I had to leave, I needed my own space, I had to remove myself from the lies and hypocrisy that I was surrounded with night and day.

It all started a month after our move together into a new apartment(full story written in “Shocking Truth”). At first I didn’t like the apartment we had found, I felt a negativity within in it and the sun never visited the large floor to ceiling windows. There was a gloom and the sense of negativity within the space of the living room and the bedrooms. Tracy, my roommate at the time, was loving everything about it and was determined to move in, therefore convincing me on a daily basis that this was the perfect apartment for us. I succumbed to her needs and naggings and we moved in to the gloomy apartment a week after our first visit.

Two nights after moving into the apartment I was awakened by a deep male voice whispering loudly in my ear to go to my bathroom and check out the leakage. As I was over taken with sleep and exhaustion I stumbled out of my bed, walked into my bathroom and found an abundance of water flowing all over its floors slowly pouring itself out into my bedroom. Sandy eyed and exhausted I unhook the leaking pipe, throw a towel on the floor and stumble back to bed. The next morning I wake up unsure if what I did the night before was a dream or reality. As I rush towards the bathroom to check on its situation, I find a towel thrown on the floor and puddles of water proving that the occurrence was a reality. It was at that day that I knew this apartment was coming with its share of bad omens but I was confronted to know that I may have a guardian angel watching over me.

As the weeks passed, strange things started to occur with Tracy, her true nature was showing itself to me yet I was determined not to see it. She used to sit and stare at me, and when I would ask if she was ok, she would rant on about her beauty. Other times I would sit and listen to her ranting on about her friends in the most condescending of manners yet upon their arrival to our home or our meeting them somewhere outside, she would greet them with such warmth and love that I doubted she had ever said anything so heinous about them. She would shamelessly flirt with the opposite sex after convincing me that her abilities with the opposite sex are nonexistent and that she is of great moral value and ethics therefore confirming to me constantly her inability to flirt. She would insist that her religious morals would never allow her to marry someone outside of her religion, yet upon meeting one of her best friends (who was a guy she wanted to marry) her values would change and I would listen to her tell me that if his parents accepted her, since she was of different religion, she would leave her family behind and her religious standards. When she noticed that me and her guy best friend talked easily to one another cause we were childhood friends, she would tell me that he is not a man worthy of even being friends with as she would make plans with him behind my back telling me other tales instead. She would try to prove her loyalty to me by never attending an outing that included my ex husband, but then when me and my ex tried to date again she flirted with him in ways that made me confused over what her words would say and her actions were doing.

With all that, I was still trying my best to believe that her words were what I was to believe in and not her hypocrite like actions. Then one day, I find out, by pure luck, or through the guardian angel I thought I had, that her venom was spewing towards me. The tender words, and confessions of loyalty and friendship were all a farce, the same way it was a farce with everyone around her. As I had learnt the hard way, what she was doing to everyone was being done to me and it was the greatest day of awakening to me. I was living with someone who held no moral grounds, who had no ethics and who lied with such great abilities that only a person living with her was able to see it after a whole year. I confronted her with all her lies and naturally she denied all of it. Upon my second confrontation, there were truths that she was unable to hide and begged me to stop repeating all the things that have been cleared to me in the last months. After that was done, I told her we need to split up, that I am unable to live with a person of her caliber and ethics. She insisted that we should stay living together, hoping that I was the fool I had been for the last year, or the same fool her friends were for years. As she confessed her love to me, and hugged me I felt a pang of pain in my heart for her, yet no less than 24 hours later I heard more things she was saying about me and I ended it all. I told her I will be leaving her, that I want nothing to do with her, and I warned her that Karma was a bitch, she had done so much wrong for so many people that it will all come falling down on her. I stormed out of the house, spending the next coming nights at my sister’s house to avoid any more contact with Tracy and I started my house hunt.

I walked into so many different apartments, I called so many different agents to show me what is available. I had a friend who was a real estate agent and had him find me an apartment. There was nothing that felt right, there was nothing that bought the sunlight in and made me feel fresh and alive. A week into it, my real estate friend found me a beautiful one bedroom apartment that was exactly in the location I had wanted, on the floor I dreamt of having and with a full sea view that takes your breath away. With finding what I wanted, I arrived back to my doomed home with Tracy and told her that I will be moving out within the week. For some reason I felt sorry for her, and she started to ask me about apartments too since she didn’t want to stay in this one alone and she couldn’t afford it alone. So I started to give her the names of the real estate agents I used and started to tell her about all the apartments I saw, giving her the building names and the apartment numbers for her to check them out. I still could never live with her, knowing who she really was, but I still didn’t mind helping her. So we became respectful of one another and I gave her all the help I could to find her a new apartment.

I went to see that one bedroom apartment that I loved everyday, just to make sure that it was the one I wanted to live in, but there was always something nagging me not to live there. The energy was not something I felt comfortable with although everything else was exactly what I was looking for. I was done with looking around, but I was feeling like there was something else for me, and that this apartment will bring sadness into my life. I wanted to get out of my apartment and out of Tracys life style and so I tried to ignore my nagging feeling of looking around some more.

In a matter of days, I heard something else that Tracy was saying about me and I lost my mind totally. I stormed into the house and lost all control of my language and words, everything I felt in my heart came pouring out and I slammed the apartment door shut as I drove to my sisters house. It was time for me to leave, I needed to leave this very minute. I decided to go for the one bedroom apartment that I liked just to get out. I stopped my search and was ready to make the payments for my new apartment when I receive a message on my phone. My father had come across a real estate agent who has some apartments in the location I wanted. Out of complete despair and to please my dad I called the guy. He was a scrawny little guy, I met him and he took me to several apartments, one of them being the one bedroom that I was about to sign the contract for. I looked around the apartment and thought to myself “This must be the one for me since it is the third time it has been shown to me, although I feel that its energy is not that good” that is when he told me he has only one more apartment to show me. I told him I was not interested since I am probably going to take this one. He says ok, but then tells me that I should still look at it since I have seen everything else why not just try this last one.

I walk into that one last apartment and I loose my senses, this was the apartment all along, this was the one my heart and soul kept telling me to wait for. Upon my first step I feel the energy pulling me towards it, the sunlight is beaming through all the windows, the panoramic windows have nothing to show me other than the blue waters of the sea. It is the same price of the one bedroom I was about to take but this one had two bedrooms. It was what I had always had in mind, it felt right on so many levels, it was mine to have.

A few days later I was moving all my things out, joy in my heart at the miracle that just took place. I was free of gloomy apartment, I was free of Tracy and her life style, I was free to allow miracles back into my life. When things in life start looking so ugly, and people start to show their true colors, you must know that it is time for a change and the universe is pushing you in the direction to make that change. Once you accept it and embrace it, what your heart desires comes into fruition and the change is a welcomed blessing.

This is one of my miracle stories, this is something that makes me remember that I need to always follow my gut feeling, and that I should never settle for anything less than what my true self knows I should have. Listen to that soft whisper, pay attention to a nagging feeling and make sure to follow your heart s it tells you the truth before you incorporate a new person or life style into your life.

Quotes I find enlightening

The ugliness of life fades away by tapping in to the adornment of the universe

I have found some quotes that I came across a year ago which i thought were pretty interesting to read. Hope you find enlightenment in at least one of them for your own life journey.

Anger at Lies Lasts Forever. Anger at Truth can’t Last. Greg Evans

Anger and jealousy can no more bear to lose sight of their objects than love. George Eliot

He who angers you conquers you. Elizabeth Kenny

Memory is the mother of all wisdom. Aeschylus

Patience is the companion of wisdom. Saint Augustine

The art of being wise is the art of knowing what to overlook. William James

The wisdom of the wise is an uncommon degree of common sense. Dean Inge

To conquer fear is the beginning of wisdom. Bertrand Russell

When I can look life in the eyes, grown calm and very coldly wise, life will have given me the truth, and taken in exchange – my youth. Sara Teasdale

Butterflies in Time – Chapter 9 Final

A year passed with a constant struggle between Emma’s state of mind and David’s obsession with his religious master. There were days that moved by beautifully and there were days that were a complete nightmare. Emma wanted to remove her veil, she started to rebel over all the religious things that David forced upon her on, there came a point where she didn’t want to pray anymore and their fights would arouse from that. She was in and out of states of minds at times she loved her life with David and the kids, at other times she wanted to do nothing but walk out of the house in a pair of jeans and a top, go dancing and just be wild. Sandra and Rosie would come back for visits which caused more up roar in the family, Emma would long to do what they would be doing and David was constantly fighting a battle in his diplomatic ways with his sisters asking them not to speak of the life they lead to Emma. The strangest thing that David discovered in time was that Emma was wildly affected by the books she read, the movies she watched or the presence of his sisters. He didn’t want to isolate her from all those things that she loved so much, yet he had a family to think of and kids that loved having their mom around. He let her be yet forced her to at least maintain her prayers and the few mantras that his religious Master had given him to do.

One fateful day, as David was entering his house he hears Emma giggling in between her soft words to someone, he stands still and walks closer to his bedroom and finds her on the phone. She looks up from her daze of giggles and finds David staring at her in utter shock, she immediately shuts the phone and throws it on the bed. He walks towards her holding in all his anger as best he could as he said “ who….were…you….on….the…phone….with?” his eyes glaring at her, the look of death on his face. “It was my mom” she says with a smile on her face as she walks towards to bathroom. He then yells out really loud “Look at me when I am talking to you EMMA……WHO…WERE…YOU…WITH…ON…THE PHONE…NOWWWW?” Emma stops in her tracks, her back towards David and her instinct to run and grab her phone was pulling her to turn around and jump on the bed where the phone lie there still breathing out the truth. David understood what she was about to do as he bend down on top of the bed and grabbed hold of the phone, scrolling down the caller menu to see who she was talking to. The number was an unknown number, not registered under any name. Without a hesitation he pressed the dial key as he held the phone close to his ear in anticipation of who might pick it up.

“Emma…baby…are you ok…you just disappeared and I thought your husband walked in on you.” Said a deep male voice on the other end of the phone. Emma was frozen in time, her face was sweating yet her eyes stayed indifferent to what had just occurred. She was contemplating her next lie, her new found secret was being opened to the world and she needed to protect herself. She didn’t want to loose her husband again or the children, she just wanted to feel free, she wanted both worlds and was in a horrible place in her mind.

David slammed the phone shut, his calm vengeful look crept upon his face and the coldest voice came into his words “ Who the Hell is the person you were talking to Emma? Who is this guy on the other line?” she just stared at him. “Talk now Emma, you better tell me the truth…NOWWWWW” David went from utter calm to a madness deep within him, his eyes were enraged as his blood rushed up to his head. “ That is my mothers cousin David, it is not a big deal…why are you so mad?” she tried to explain with cool and calm to make David feel like there was nothing for him to get mad at.

Calmly David walked towards her saying with each step “so….i am to understand….that your mothers cousin calls you baby?” he stops just as he gets close enough to touch her “hmmmmm….how interesting…..and your mothers cousin has an understanding that the minute your husband walks in the house you will shut the phone on his face?” he then gets even closer towards her as there is only two inches between them. Emma steps back as she answers “uhhh…no…I mean…yes….what is wrong…what I cant talk to my mothers cousin…also this I am not allowed to do?” a defiance in her voice, she was not gonna give in to this, she wanted her family more than anything and she would lie all the way if that was what was needed. David turns around, phone in hand and leaves Emma there standing breathless with anticipation. She takes a deep breath in and starts to head to the bathroom to she all her tears that she had bottled in.

As she walks out of the bathroom five minutes later, she sees David walking towards her in complete madness, the speed of his steps are faster than her reaction to run. He walks straight up to her and slaps her across the face “You are a disgusting woman….lower than low…you deserve to stay in your crazy state of mind for the rest of your life” David was enraged, his wife lied to him “I found out through my own ways who’s number that was…..it was your ex-boyfriends number…you will never change your ways…you lier” He stares at her in disbelief how could this happen to him, after all that he did for her, after all that he wanted to do for her. He compromised his religious beliefs to keep her, he let go of his dream to have an extremely faithful wife to walk down the path of life with him, just to be with her. Who was this woman, what did she want from him? Had he not done his fair share of sacrifices to keep this marriage going on? He stares at her, she has her hand placed on her cheeks without a single tear drop coming down, she has been caught talking to another man on the phone and there was nothing she could say or do to change her new reality. He walks out and Emma rushes after him but it is too late he has stormed out of the house, shutting her out of his life and his thoughts forever.

Late at night he comes back, all beaten up and exhausted, like a man who was a hundred years old. He finds Emma sitting down on the chair and moves to sit on the chair opposite her.

“I will marry another woman” David says with such calm in his voice allowing for his inner venom to come out with hurtful words yet a tone of indifference. Emma sits there staring at him, in confusion as to what may happen next in her life. She feels that she deserves his anger, she feels that she is the core reason behind his wanting to find another wife and leave her behind in a world of turmoil and bitterness. David moves towards the door and walks out calmly not knowing where he will go or what he should do with the sadness that has engulfed him deep within his soul. He was always determined to find his soul mate, his main mission was to find a partner that will walk the long path of life with him in harmony and understanding. What had he done? He was devastated with the choice he made the miscalculation of who he chose to be his wife.

Emma sits facing the empty chair ahead of her, staring at the cushion as it expands itself back into its normal shape allowing for all traces of David to be whipped away. Tears well up as they trickle down her face, her mind can’t stop thinking, her heart is full of hate and love. She whispers to herself in the silence that has engulfed her “Why am i doing this?” she sits back and thinks back of her childhood, her life, how it has unfolded to lead her to a place of complete discomfort with who she is. She sinks deep into the chair and closes her watery eyes allowing the tears that have found their way to her cheeks dry up giving a discomfort to a familiar feeling deep within.

What was so wrong with her that she was not able to maintain a loving relationship and sustain a family life? Emma was trying her best to figure out what was wrong with her, why she did the things she did. She was good for three months and then she would not be able to control the deep desire to rebel against her life, this became her cycle, but this time it went really bad. The turn of events was horrible. In all reality she was only talking to her ex-boyfriend on the phone to remind herself of the days she was free of religion and all it’s pressure, when she was only responsible of herself and no one else. There were no kids, no man and no home to look after. Yes the other things in her life back then were horrible too, she lacked the comforts of a family life, or stability and she was craving both worlds, the one she had chosen today and the one she didn’t have a choice in the past. Her ex boyfriend had gotten in touch with her, hoping she was still single, yet to his dismay she was already married with kids. So he pursued her with phone calls and in time Emma started to look forward to those meaningless phone conversations that took her far away from the restrictions she was under today.

David was already on his way to his parents house, not knowing where else to go. He called up his Religious master to vent out and receive some reasonable advice, to his dismay the Religious master told him to punish his wife by keeping her but marrying another woman to take care of him. He continued to tell him to keep Emma as the baby sitter since she had to care for her children, but to marry another woman to provide him with the spiritual growth he was seeking. David heard all this attentively yet nothing really made sense to him anymore. How could it be so simple to just marry another woman while keeping the one you have as a baby sitter? He still loved Emma and could not bring himself to doing something like that to her. When he shut the phone with his religious master he took the elevator to go up to his parents house, concluding that he needed to seek another wife, a purer one that would elevate him to the greatest heaven. His family were enraged with anger and disappointment at the way David was dealing with this.

The war between David’s family against Emma and David began, it was a double edged sword, they were both wrong on so many levels. David was completely taken by his religious master unable to hear any logic from anyone else. As for Emma she was doing things that endangered her family’s unity cause of the suffocation she was in and the lack of comfort within her own self.  There was nothing anyone could do, nothing anyone said made a difference and in time David was starting his search for wife number two.

David took a flight down to meet his Religious Master a week later wanting to be in the sanctuary of the world he craved for. It was by pure luck that David opened his eyes to what was really happening in the religious cult he chose to be so intimate with. He saw all the hypocrisy that took place there, most women were covered from head to toe yet late at night, when they would light up their candles in their homes to take change, they would keep their blinds wide open for all to see them get undressed. He started to pay attention to what was really being said to them all, that working was not essential, that God would send money to you even if you don’t work, just by sitting and praying and doing mantras the doors of money will descend on them. Everything that he never saw before started to show themselves to him on that trip. An awareness came into light and he booked his flight and went back to his home town to really assess the things that were going wrong.

His shock was evident to all, he isolated himself trying to make sense of the life he had been leading for five years with his religious Master. Believing everything he said, doing everything that was told to him just to reach the ultimate goal of being on God’s good side. Enraged with himself for being so blind and enraged with his wife for being so hard to please he decided to put the whole second wife escapade on hold.

Emma was working hard on herself at the time, figuring out how to be a better mother, a better person. She wanted to have a life outside of her four walls to be able to breathe again, she just didn’t know how. On a random conversation with a friend she was offered a job as an assistant in a old people’s home. She took the job in a heartbeat as she felt that this could be a right move towards her sanity coming back. She called David to tell him of her new plans and he agreed to it with open arms. Emma was surprised with the change of attitude, from a man that would have never accepted her  to work came another man telling her that he was very happy with her decision.

David and Emma pursued their daily lives the best way they could with one another, each one in their won world trying to re-assess the destruction that took place between them, still knowing that they both loved one another very much. Months passed and slowly they both started to sit with one another more often. David did not force Emma to do any religious stuff giving her all the space she needed as long as she kept the veil on and took care of the kids. Emma avoided phone calls with friends who were living a life she left behind years ago to concentrate on her new life. Every few months Emma would go through a fit and David would calm her down, talking to her, listening to her giving her the affection she needed.

In her fits she would confide to him “I am not good for you, I am not worthy of you in my life David. Your such a good man and I have bought you nothing but pain into your life.” And David would tell her that he agreed that she bought him a lot of pain and he was part to blame for the ability to have ignited all her insecurities with all the religious stuff he forced upon her.

They were starting to talk again and every three months David would wait for Emma’s outburst of insecurities and reasons to leave them all behind. He knew all the pain she faced in her life, and the biggest one was that her parents never wanted her, so why should she want her kids?

They had bought a tv into their home, actually two tv’s into their home. One for their bedroom to watch all the movies they desired to watch together and one in the living room for the days they would allow their kids to watch tv. Emma became the manager of the old people’s home as David became in charge of his own religious beliefs. He still followed religion the way he had always wanted it, but this time around he was using his God given logic and provided the ability for his wife to deal with it the best way she could.

Two years later David and Emma have reached what they were always destined to reach a friendship like no other. They are one with one another, they are both strong people and each one stands up for the other with all they have within them of love.

Emma is an adoring mother to her kids, she became a great cook as it bought her some serenity to see the joy on her husband’s face when she made him good food. She goes to religious classes that her husband tells her are the good ones to go to and she peruses her religion on her own pace with such love and ease.

David has risen to a wonderful state with his spirituality that his family find it a joy to speak to him again and take his opinion. He has left judgment behind and has moved towards great understanding and acceptance of each individuals growth. He works hard to earn his money and keep his family well sustained, not just waiting to see what God will give him through prayers.

Their home is filled with love and joy, their kids have become the center of both their lives, but their universe has become one another.

Sometimes you don’t know what is good for you, sometimes there is a huge struggle to be able to be the person you are meant to be. Sometimes it’s through the journey that you find what you want, other times it’s by going through that journey with that one person that makes you figure out who you are.

Butterflies of Time – Chapter 2 – Emma

In a far away land across the deserts and the seas a young girl named Emma was born. Her head rested gently on her mothers bosoms as she tried to suckle on the offered breast for the first time while hearing the murmur of voices hovering around her. The murmur was a conversation between her mother and father, both contemplating the possibilities of giving their new born daughter away. Little did Emma know at the time that she was unwanted by both her parents from before she was born, little did she know that she was to be sent off far away into another country to be taken care of merely by an aunt. This was how Emma started her journey on this earth a journey of rejection by the two people who should have cherished and loved her from her suckling experience.

Emma knew nothing about how her life would have been with her parents, all she knew was the life that she was leading with her loving aunt. The truth of the matter was that her aunt always felt guilty for Emma, a young child who was left to a relative although both her parents were still alive. In knowing this Emma became a spoiled child, she knew that through guilt she could get away with murder, that her aunt loved her too much and was unable to reprimand her in the right way cause of her current situation. As she grew older, she started to rebel; at the mere age of twelve her parents got news of her aggressive attitude knowing that the aunt was unable to take control of the situation and was told to move back home. By then both her parents had been divorced for twelve years living their lives outside of one another. They had both moved forward in life and got married to other people. This was of course a tough position that they had put themselves and Emma in, who was she to live with? Who would be able to contain her wild side and aggression best? The verdict was made and she was sent to spend time with her mother and her mother’s new husband. Things were not going well for her at the time, she was not easy to tame and her rebellion was hard for her mother to understand especially that she had no true understanding of who her daughter was.  

After some time Emma was moved to her father’s house to live with him and his new wife, hoping that he will be able to take better control of Emma. Her life got even tougher, her father would leave the house and lock the door to make sure she wouldn’t leave when he was out, with no care of her safety incase a fire took place and his daughter needed to rush out. Her father’s home was filled with his friends of all walks of life, making it harder for her to be comfortable in her own new found home. She started to throw tantrums declaring that there were men approaching her in a dirty fashion but all her plea for help went into the hollow pits of uncaring ears. She was moved to her mother’s house after that, her step mother not believing a word Emma said, assuming that she was a rebel and wanted to do anything to destroy their family.

Emma spent the rest of her growing years between both parent’s homes, each one not knowing what to do with her, each one not giving the time to know their daughter. Her parents were too busy for her to even care about her psychological state of mind.

Emma remained an only child to both her parents, neither one wanting another child, not even with their new spouses. You would expect her to be the golden child the cherished child, and yet that was far from the truth. She remained the unwanted child and as the years passed her inner feeling of not being worthy enough to be loved and believed grew stronger within her young soul.

Emma had a radiant smile full of love allowing everyone around her to feel her joy although her internal joy was never to be found. She ventured into the world behind her parents back, she learnt the truth was never something that anyone believed and she knew how to lie to get the freedom she was seeking. She returned on several occasions back to her aunt to seek comfort and love that was never given to her anywhere else. Her interest in finding the right man to give her the love she so desired was a true longing within her which in return attracted her to all the wrong type of man. In doing so there was  a constant affirmation that she cannot be loved, that no one can love who she really is which kept leading her to go for the men that were unable to provide her with the comfort she most craved; the love of her parents.

At university she knew how to dress to the prime, how to attract a man with her wild eyes and her gentle voice. Her smile blossomed on her lips as her eyes stayed cold and distant, yet no one put in the effort to see through her cold eyes and allow for the warmth to seep in. Her tears were always close to falling and at times they were well organized for a self pity story that she had formed to get something that she wanted out of her parents, knowing that the truth would always fail her.

She started work and excelled at her job, they loved her there as they saw the kind gentle side she so well hid from the world. Her smile still radiated, her sadness still over took her heart but her ability to get along with others was the one thing that she held dear to her heart. She had perfected the art of pretending to be happy in her life and within the confines of her own skin. She had become a great person to depend on, a person where others could rely on for the comfort that they themselves had missing in thier live, not knowing that the person they were turning too was seeking that same comfort yet never able to find it. At work she would bounce around full of life, dainty and all girl like, allowing her to put her guard down giving her space to venture into her natural loving nature.

Her parents were still a distant comfort to her, her aunt would visit her constantly knowing that she was in desperate need to feel love, the unconditional love, that only a parent knows how to give their child. Religion was a distant cry and nothing that was of any possible temptation to her but the rise and uproar of it in the country she was living in allowed her to tread in its direction giving her some peace deep within. This provided a comfort with her colleagues at work and it made her belong to something better, cleaner and much more fulfilling than the life she was leading or the life she was forced to live in. She embraced the veil as she succumbed to her fathers vigorous attacks on her new dress code and choice of way of life. Her peace came at knowing that she didnt need a person to take care of her, she had a much larger entity to rely on, and that was her new found love of God.

To be continued…..