When does it become unacceptable?

Anger boils over inside of me as Jack asked “Well did he hit you?”

“No” Emily says, surprised that he would even ask that question. Was all what she was saying not enough to walk out on her current relationship? My face was starting to hurt from the frown that had over taken my face for the past half hour, listening to Emily re-tell her story with her husband to Jack as tears rolled down her face. I couldn’t understand why Jack was even asking if her husband was hitting her? What relevance did that have to do with the pain Emily has been suffering for years with this man?

I asked him point blank “What relevance does this have? Is it not enough that He is constantly swearing at her, slamming doors all over the house, being completely impolite to any member of her family or any of her friends that enter her house, he doesn’t give her money to be able to support the house hold requirements and her baby girls requirements yet spends a ton on his friends and his entertainment, he is out partying every single night without her, he doesn’t allow her to go to bars or clubs at night without him even though he does constantly, he has caused his little girl to wake up screaming at night fearing that her father would kill her mother, he sits and does nothing in the house except talk on the phone to his buddies laughing or flipping through tv channels as she keeps running around the house fixing things, he uses his kids for his social outings to be accepted in society, he doesn’t allow her to work so she doesn’t attract the attention of the opposite sex” I take a deep breath in, calm myself down and asked calmly “So answer this Jack, what does it matter, to you, if he hits her or not?” Jack looked at me surprised as though I was asking him a question about giving birth and how he felt during it. I repeated my question to him more aggressively and he finally responded saying “Well since he does not hit her, then they can work things out. hitting her would be unacceptable in every way possible.”

Shocked out of my wits I didn’t know how to answer him back, all that rummaged through my mind was the fact that if a woman ever dared do all that to her husband she would be banished by everyone including her family, they would tell her that it is up to her to make this marriage work. Any man who went to complain about the same things would have given the green light for every human being (male or female) to reprimand the woman until she breaks down in humiliation for her actions. Yet when a woman complains about being mistreated on a daily basis the world tends to stand by his side and ask the woman to accept it as long as she is not being physically abused. She is supposed to take in his infidelity, his rudeness, his verbal condemning ways, his absence physically and financially and only be able to make a valid stand if he went out of his way and hit her.

Strange how this type of injustice is not accepted upon animals and yet upon women it is considered bad, yet not unjust. A woman is put in a position today to accept all that is done to her by a man because he has not physically abused her YET. A woman is expected to be the brains in the family, the glue that holds everything together regardless of what her mental state has become because of all the degrading ways she has been treated.  A woman has to turn a blind eye to her husband having affairs hoping that he will one day come to his senses, but when that day never comes she has to confront him and in return the society gives the excuse of him being a “Man” and men need more than one woman. She is then asked yet again to accept it and be a better wife to her husband cause she was probably the reason he went to another woman for sex. If a woman cheats on her husband she is thrown to the gutters, her kids are taken away from her, her marriage is over, her is shunned out from society with not a single word mentioned that it could have possibly been the husbands fault.

What really gets to me is this, after my talk with Emily and Jack, I found Emily agreeing with Jack, seeing his point of view, assessing the situation and wronging herself the whole time. She provoked his anger, she allowed him to neglect her and stop spending money on her and the family, it was her fault she was too busy taking care of the house and her child and her new pregnancy, of course he would go mad and naturally she thanked God that he never hit her “He is a good man that he never hit me. I would have left for sure.”

And in that ended the whole pain she had been suffering for years with her husband. I later on found out that all her girlfriends gave her a similar advice and sad as it was, women accept this upon themselves. Women will tell women to stick around in a horrible relationship, with a cheating man, with a stingy guy, with a man who has temper management issues and tell the woman it is all in her hands to make this work.

When have we ever become the weaker sex? We are able to give birth, take care of a house, go to work, socialize with the world and sleep for a maximum of six hours a night and still have the ability to do everything and more than any man could even dream of. What happened to reprimanding a man for his misconduct and behavior, who said it was ok? Who said that we were born, as women, to live this way? How come every man gets away with murder and women can’t get away with an extra hour of sleep if needed?

Women know how to build fear in other women, making them accept the unacceptable. Telling them horror stories of what life would look like if she did leave her husband “You will not be able to support yourself, you have not worked for years.” Or “What about the kids? They need a father figure” or “Live with it till your kids are old enough then leave”or “ Who will every marry a woman with children? It is too much baggage. So it is best to stay with the man who helped in procreating them.”

What women don’t understand is this “If women stood up and supported one another and did not accept to be treated in such a disturbing disregard to their humanity then men will have no choice but to stop.” As long as the world accommodates such actions and only the visual physical abuse is the allowed reason to leave a man, women will always be where they are today, and they will keep procreating more men that abuse their women, cause women don’t know how to stand up for their human rights.

If every woman keeps accepting this as a way of life, and if women will always advise women to be the abused member of the family then things will never change and women will always be spat on. Her kids will also treat her with disrespect the way their father had, and they will repeat the same pattern onto their wives in the future and every woman will again tell that woman in pain “It is ok, it is all in your hands, you’re the smarter one. Men are like children let him do his thing, and you stay the good wife, he will come around. As long as he didn’t hit you then you can fix it.”

Emilie’s story is one of the many stories I have came across in all these years of watching and listening to couples. With such sadness I have to say that I might have met one in every 30 marriages where there is a balanced relationship between man and woman. What women don’t understand is this: they are telling their daughters that it is ok to be treated this way and they are telling their sons it is ok to treat a woman this way. They think they are making life better for their children when in reality they are allowing the same patterns to continue to evolve and have no regard to how their daughters will be treated in the future or how their sons will treat women.

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The Ultimate Appreciation needed

“Do you know? A human body can bear only up to 45 Del (unit) of pain. But at the time of giving birth, a woman feels up to 57 Del of Pain. This is similar to 20 bones getting fractured at a time!!!! God couldn’t be everywhere and therefore he made Mothers… THE MOST BEAUTIFUL PERSON ON THIS EARTH… OUR BEST CRITIC …” written by http://www.funzug.com/index.php/paintings/some-paintings-for-my-mom.html

How many times does a man walk into the house after a long days work, plops himself on the couch, grabs the remote control and starts flipping through the tv channels so that he can disconnect from his very hard day at work?

How many times does a woman stop caring for her children after working hours are done, plop herself on the couch, grabs the remote control and starts flipping through the TV channels so that she can disconnect from her very hard day at work?

A man’s work starts from 8:00am until 6:00pm (sometimes later depending on the job at hand).

A woman’s work starts from 6:30am until 10:00pm (most times later depending if her child is sick or an infant who needs to be fed constantly in the middle of the night)

A man has weekends where he can take a rest, sleep in if needed, go meet his friends, play a sport or just lounge around the house to give him enough energy to start the week of stressful work.

A woman has no weekends to call her own, she wakes up at the same hour to take care of the kids, she has more work on the weekend since the children will all be at home all day. She thinks of things to entertain them with, activities to occupy their time, she feeds them, cleans them, plays with them,  and then tried to keep the husband entertained on his very special weekend.

The most devastating part in all this is the lack of appreciation that is given to women who decided with their partners to become parents. Their job is looked down upon as if it is not as worthy as a job taken outside of the home. She works from the minute she opens her eyes until she goes to sleep, most times there is no sleep to look forward to if her child is ill or teething or still feeding.  Her days are filled with trying her new adapted psychology methods to bring up the best human she can. She spends her days running around providing for the entire household a comfortable, easy, clean environment while still trying to find time to take a shower, make a phone call, eat her lunch and even use the bathroom. 

A man assumes that when his wife has a maid that her life is simple and easy, well I think women then should assume the same if their husbands have a secretary or a whole staff working under him.

I am a working woman, and I don’t have children but I do have friends and family members who have chosen there career path to be motherhood.  I am at work from 8:30am and by 5:00pm I am exhausted and drained, but I know that I can go home, spend time silently in front of the tv with no one to take care of. I can go see my friends, watch a movie, take a long bath and go to the salon to pamper myself whenever I want to. If I have a business dinner to go to, then I get dressed, and look forward to a night filled with laughter and jokes to ease the work environment. I do get stressed at work a lot, I do have things that get on my nerves and people I want to kill, I have an abundance of deadlines to meet and a bunch of politics to deal with but at the end of the day I have my weekends and I have my weekday night times to do with as I wish. At the end of every month I get paid for all my efforts at work.

In the case of mothers, they don’t have any of the luxuries that I have or the man has. Their selfless attitudes make them happy knowing that their children are well and loved, they get no money for their efforts, they get no appraisals from their husbands for the great job they are doing, they only get tears from their children, irritation from their husbands and bad mouthing from their help. To top it off, a husband will still complain about her inability to go out at night when he wants to; he finds it irrational that she may be exhausted cause she has not slept for a week more than five hours. He gets a tantrum when he can’t find his shirts or socks blaming her for not caring for those things since she has nothing better to do cause she just sits at home all day while he works to provide them financially. He starts to look at other women when his wife is at her worst. After carrying his child for nine months then being unable to sleep for three months after that, she starts to look exhausted, her inability to dress the way she used to starts to turn him off, and he starts to nag her to provide him with a smile that she is unable to provide because of her exhaustion. Her breasts are sore, her body is huge, her private area hurts, her eyes have dark circles underneath them, her baby doesn’t sleep and her husband still expects to have her sexually.

For all the women who also work and take care of their children and husbands I give you the greatest appraisal for your superwoman like tendencies. Also to the women who have more than one children yet still maintain their jobs and their homes I praise your courage even more.

So to every man out there, take a good look at the woman you have chosen to marry and have chosen to start a family with, she is a miracle worker and you must know that if you were in her shoes you would have never been able to do what she does. Forget about the stresses of work for they are nothing in comparison to the stresses of making a good human being. Let go of the remote control and spend time helping around the house, the decision of making a family is not the woman’s to carry alone. Take over the children for a few days in the evenings, give your wife the time to shower the way she used to, go see her friends the way she used to, sit and read her book or watch a movie the way she used to. Give her a few hours on the weekend to look forward to by taking charge of the house and the children.  Wake up at night to take care of a crying baby, or a sick child and give her those extra hours to sleep to be able to maintain an anger free day. Request things from the help instead of requesting from her to request it from the help, give her those few minutes to follow her own commands.

If all this is hard for you to do, then simply give her the time and space to do as she wishes with her time, give her the freedom to say no to the ongoing outings you want to go to. Tell her how much you appreciate her great efforts in taking care of your kids while you’re out at work. Show her gratitude for not quitting on you since her job is a thousand times more time and self consuming than yours is. Provide her with the money she would have earned if she were working for a company the way you are, but instead she has chosen to take care of the family you both decided to have.  Provide her sexually the way she wants it to be not the way you are expecting it to be. Cuddle her when she needs it, give her space when she asks for it. Be present as a positive aspect in her life, not the negative aspect she dreads seeing every evening knowing that you will be coming back home with a whole list of demands as you sit with your feet up flipping through the TV channel.

To all you amazing women, I send you my grandest of applause for the amazing jobs you are doing and the decision in becoming a mother and a wife.