Vanishing Time


In a world where “time” seems to vanish into thin air while “things to do” keep lingering on with constant hope of catching “time”, I am left to wonder where is time vanishing too?

The alarm rings at 8:00am and I keep snoozing it for an hour hoping to get more sleep yet dreading the wasted minutes that are passing me by. That hour of snoozing is a restless hour, filled with thoughts and continues demands to enjoy my sleep. A battle deep within me makes it impossible to fall back into the wonders of my dreams and away from the schedules of my reality.

I finally push the covers off my body, jump out of bed and rush to the bathroom. It is at this point on that I am unable to relax, every minute counts, every second makes a difference and the whole schedule starts to form itself accordingly. I flip through my clothes in the closet in hopes of finding something I feel comfortable with, knowing that I will be out of the house all day with no hope of coming home to take an hour break I had to choose something that would last me all day long.

Within 10 minutes I am done getting dressed and go off into the TV room to have my mug of coffee and cigarette before I have to rush out of the house. I walk into the TV room to find my mom already there fully dressed and sipping on her coffee in delight watching the news channel. I sit with her as we have a quick update of both our mornings and then immediately finish off my coffee as I move myself towards my laptop to check my e-mails, wondering if there is anything that needs to be done before I have to leave. As it just so happens, there is always something to be done, and so in complete indulgence I dive into work mode, hearing nothing and answering no one. My mom tries to open topics with me and all that keeps coming out of my mouth are the words, “yes”, “oh”, “really” and “hmmmm”. Recently I have learnt to add the word “no” to my response system since I had found myself saying “yes” to things I have no interest in doing or the time to do.

Hours keep passing by as work over takes my entire soul, i can’t seem to stop, I can’t find a way to stop. One thing takes me into the next and into the next and in no time 3 hours have already passed and I haven’t seen the streets yet. I am already running late, my phone won’t stop ringing and I finally pick it up to go through all my bbm’s, my missed calls and any sms’s. I roll away from my desk, switch off the lap top, and rush back into the bathroom to wash my face again, brush my teeth and put on my flip flops. I return back to the tv room to pack up my lap top to take it to work with me and to my dismay my mom has a list of things she wants of me. I stand there on edge, all that is running through my mind is “I have no time, I have no time, I have no time.” Therefore I have not heard 50% of what was requested of me. I kiss her good bye and rush out the door carrying my lap top and hand bag that weights a 100 kilos from the weight of all the notebooks and books I have wedged into it.

At last I am on the road, its already 1:00pm and I am so far away from where I should be. The traffic is insane and I know that I am spending a good hour, if not more, on the road. I pick up my phone, attaché the head set to it and go through all my missed calls and unanswered bbm’s. As I am driving at no more than 3 miles an hour I am able to return all my phone calls and respond to all the bbm’s and sms’s.  Finally an hour later I arrive to work excited to get hold of my lap top again and start working on all the things that I had to cut short to get out of the house. As I park the car and walk towards my work in the Art Café I am bombarded by a whole bunch of people who are there taking classes or asking about the classes we offer there.

Quick summary about my job: It’s a place that me and two other friends decided to open together, a place where people can go and enjoy a few hours in a very artistic environment that provides nothing but art. It was 7 years ago that the idea became a reality and its been taken care of solely by one partner. I had spend a good two years in it then I left town for a good 5 years and finally my partners decided to convince me to come back and be fully involved. I came back to an amazing environment that was filled with people and over 30 different types of creative art classes. Our business had expanded and all the people in Cairo knew the name “Art Café”. I was so proud of my partner, she had done a great job at marketing the place and I was wondering how we were making no profit at all. That is when my role came in, I needed a base for it, a solid base, formats, schedules, prices, cost estimates etc….New branches needed to open up, yet was impossible to do with the lack of any profit we were receiving. We were requested to be more available in different areas in Cairo. We needed to expand in so many ways and that is when all the work began. On the other hand I also had my passions that I needed to pursue, reiki and NLP coaching. And so I revamped a room to turn it into a quiet reiki and NLP room.

So going back to the day: As I walked in to the Art Café I realized that getting any work done on my lap top was going to be near impossible. There were workers there renovating the space outdoors, there were workers inside painting the walls. There were children working on an array of art projects, adults coming in to take their art classes and the whole staff running around like headless chickens. Luckily my partner is there also and we try to find any place to go and have a quick update on the new upcoming art season, to no avail. We are able to exchange a few words every few hours, as we are being asked a tone of other things to do and work on.

By 7pm the day has calmed down and there is just one class taking place and the Art Café is silent with the amazing background music taking over the silence. I take out my lap top and with a joy in my heart, I take a seat to get some work done. I look at my phone and realize there is a whole new set of bbm’s, and missed calls. I decide to return the calls which eat up another hour of my day as the evening plans with friends take place. I do a few NLP’s on friends over the phone to help them out with a few issues and work on 1 or two people in Art Café who need a quick reiki for a certain emotional or physical pain.

Its already 8:30pm and I have not worked on any of the things I needed to work on, my own personal deadlines. I close my lap top, pack my things, say bye to everyone still working in Art Café and head off to my social outing. Another hour in the car, and this time I choose to hear my music blaring on blast to stop my brain from thinking. The music provokes more thoughts and so as I sit stuck in traffic I take out my note pad and jot down all the things running through my mind, my schedule gets even larger.

Finally I get to my destination point, hop out of the car, leave my lap top in the car, take my hand bag as the phone is wedged between my shoulder and my right ear talking to my friends, figuring out where they are located. As I walk in, I take a deep breath and realize what a great feeling it is to disconnect and just hang out with my friends for a bit, somewhere outside of work and all the work things I can’t stop thinking about.

The evening turns out to be very interesting, different friends join in as others leave and I find myself sitting there for at least another 3 hours, enjoying every minute of it. It’s already past 12:00am and I start itching to leave, worried about my sleep and the morning snooze. I finally get up, get in my car again and head home. It’s around 1:30 am as I park the car, exhausted and totally burnt out, my eyes burn, my head is throbbing and my shoulders are completely knotted up.

I get home, go into my bedroom and rip the clothes off my body as I rush to get into the shower. the excitement of putting on my pj’s is overwhelming and I relish every item I put on. Sleep has left me, and I am wide awake again, I go into the tv room, my mom is already fast asleep and so I have time on my own, time to just flip through he tv channels and zone out into a good show or movie. My cats greet me with an amazing amount of love as I take out their brushes and start to groom them while I watch something interesting on tv. Once done, I flop on the couch and get into a state of mind filled with nothing but interest in what I am watching.

Its 2:30 am and finally I am sleepy again, I switch off the tv set, say good night to my cats and head towards my bedroom. I cozy up inside the covers, take out my eye glasses, pick up my book that is perfectly placed on my bedside table, and I start to read. No less than half hour later my book has returned to its designated spot, my glasses are thrown into their box and I am fast asleep, inside my world of dreams and love.

Things are still pending, time has passed me by, and I have gotten only 60% of things done. Time seems to pass me by, life seems to fly by without my being able to catch it. If only I can find Time, if only I can hold it down and tell it to wait…wait for a bit…..wait for me….wait I have so much I have to do, so many things I want to do…..STOP and wait for me.

When does it become unacceptable?

Anger boils over inside of me as Jack asked “Well did he hit you?”

“No” Emily says, surprised that he would even ask that question. Was all what she was saying not enough to walk out on her current relationship? My face was starting to hurt from the frown that had over taken my face for the past half hour, listening to Emily re-tell her story with her husband to Jack as tears rolled down her face. I couldn’t understand why Jack was even asking if her husband was hitting her? What relevance did that have to do with the pain Emily has been suffering for years with this man?

I asked him point blank “What relevance does this have? Is it not enough that He is constantly swearing at her, slamming doors all over the house, being completely impolite to any member of her family or any of her friends that enter her house, he doesn’t give her money to be able to support the house hold requirements and her baby girls requirements yet spends a ton on his friends and his entertainment, he is out partying every single night without her, he doesn’t allow her to go to bars or clubs at night without him even though he does constantly, he has caused his little girl to wake up screaming at night fearing that her father would kill her mother, he sits and does nothing in the house except talk on the phone to his buddies laughing or flipping through tv channels as she keeps running around the house fixing things, he uses his kids for his social outings to be accepted in society, he doesn’t allow her to work so she doesn’t attract the attention of the opposite sex” I take a deep breath in, calm myself down and asked calmly “So answer this Jack, what does it matter, to you, if he hits her or not?” Jack looked at me surprised as though I was asking him a question about giving birth and how he felt during it. I repeated my question to him more aggressively and he finally responded saying “Well since he does not hit her, then they can work things out. hitting her would be unacceptable in every way possible.”

Shocked out of my wits I didn’t know how to answer him back, all that rummaged through my mind was the fact that if a woman ever dared do all that to her husband she would be banished by everyone including her family, they would tell her that it is up to her to make this marriage work. Any man who went to complain about the same things would have given the green light for every human being (male or female) to reprimand the woman until she breaks down in humiliation for her actions. Yet when a woman complains about being mistreated on a daily basis the world tends to stand by his side and ask the woman to accept it as long as she is not being physically abused. She is supposed to take in his infidelity, his rudeness, his verbal condemning ways, his absence physically and financially and only be able to make a valid stand if he went out of his way and hit her.

Strange how this type of injustice is not accepted upon animals and yet upon women it is considered bad, yet not unjust. A woman is put in a position today to accept all that is done to her by a man because he has not physically abused her YET. A woman is expected to be the brains in the family, the glue that holds everything together regardless of what her mental state has become because of all the degrading ways she has been treated.  A woman has to turn a blind eye to her husband having affairs hoping that he will one day come to his senses, but when that day never comes she has to confront him and in return the society gives the excuse of him being a “Man” and men need more than one woman. She is then asked yet again to accept it and be a better wife to her husband cause she was probably the reason he went to another woman for sex. If a woman cheats on her husband she is thrown to the gutters, her kids are taken away from her, her marriage is over, her is shunned out from society with not a single word mentioned that it could have possibly been the husbands fault.

What really gets to me is this, after my talk with Emily and Jack, I found Emily agreeing with Jack, seeing his point of view, assessing the situation and wronging herself the whole time. She provoked his anger, she allowed him to neglect her and stop spending money on her and the family, it was her fault she was too busy taking care of the house and her child and her new pregnancy, of course he would go mad and naturally she thanked God that he never hit her “He is a good man that he never hit me. I would have left for sure.”

And in that ended the whole pain she had been suffering for years with her husband. I later on found out that all her girlfriends gave her a similar advice and sad as it was, women accept this upon themselves. Women will tell women to stick around in a horrible relationship, with a cheating man, with a stingy guy, with a man who has temper management issues and tell the woman it is all in her hands to make this work.

When have we ever become the weaker sex? We are able to give birth, take care of a house, go to work, socialize with the world and sleep for a maximum of six hours a night and still have the ability to do everything and more than any man could even dream of. What happened to reprimanding a man for his misconduct and behavior, who said it was ok? Who said that we were born, as women, to live this way? How come every man gets away with murder and women can’t get away with an extra hour of sleep if needed?

Women know how to build fear in other women, making them accept the unacceptable. Telling them horror stories of what life would look like if she did leave her husband “You will not be able to support yourself, you have not worked for years.” Or “What about the kids? They need a father figure” or “Live with it till your kids are old enough then leave”or “ Who will every marry a woman with children? It is too much baggage. So it is best to stay with the man who helped in procreating them.”

What women don’t understand is this “If women stood up and supported one another and did not accept to be treated in such a disturbing disregard to their humanity then men will have no choice but to stop.” As long as the world accommodates such actions and only the visual physical abuse is the allowed reason to leave a man, women will always be where they are today, and they will keep procreating more men that abuse their women, cause women don’t know how to stand up for their human rights.

If every woman keeps accepting this as a way of life, and if women will always advise women to be the abused member of the family then things will never change and women will always be spat on. Her kids will also treat her with disrespect the way their father had, and they will repeat the same pattern onto their wives in the future and every woman will again tell that woman in pain “It is ok, it is all in your hands, you’re the smarter one. Men are like children let him do his thing, and you stay the good wife, he will come around. As long as he didn’t hit you then you can fix it.”

Emilie’s story is one of the many stories I have came across in all these years of watching and listening to couples. With such sadness I have to say that I might have met one in every 30 marriages where there is a balanced relationship between man and woman. What women don’t understand is this: they are telling their daughters that it is ok to be treated this way and they are telling their sons it is ok to treat a woman this way. They think they are making life better for their children when in reality they are allowing the same patterns to continue to evolve and have no regard to how their daughters will be treated in the future or how their sons will treat women.

Farm or City?

Our life experiences are based on our way of life. What we say and do come back to us in one way or another. If we believe in ourselves then everything we do is right, there is no fear, there is no worry, there is only self confidence in the choices we make. To hear your own voice is all that matters for no one else lives your life or has your wisdom.

Living on a farm or living in a city have a great distinction between them and show a slight resemblance of a congested mind and an intuitive mind. In a city there is noise pollution that scatters your thoughts and allows for nothing other than everyone else’s voice to overpower your own caring voice. In a city you are rushing from one place to the next getting your job done, errands run, obligations met and in all this people are chattering away giving advice where it is not needed, assuming they know best, and therefore diluting your own trust within yourself. Time becomes something you try to find yet discover that it’s meaning has been lost to you. What is expected of you has stopped you from doing what is expected from yourself to you. You glimpse a sight of what you want your life to look like and you feel that you can breath again. Yet a second later  a whirlwind of clatter over powers that desire and it is lost amongst the bustle and noise emanating from those around you who ridicule your thoughts and the sight of your own breath of fresh air.

In the Farm you are free to hear yourself contemplate and understand what is good or bad for you. There are only animals around that say nothing more than offer their love to you for the simple act of feeding them and caring for them. In return you are left to listen to your mind as it ventures into a world of its own where the decisions are based on your own internal voice that you have come to believe in and trust. You move with your instincts towards your fields of green in knowledge of when to water them and when to walk away. You hear the sound of your breathing and the whispers of the butterflies as they pass you by. In an ability to sit and think you realize what your dreams are and grow strong in your beliefs, for there is no one there who can contaminate those desires and the conviction of your thoughts.

I long to be a farm, where I am left to my own accord and rid myself of the fear of change or the fears that have been bestowed upon me by those who love me the most.

Through the unexpected came Hope

It has been a while since I have attempted to write, a drastic change took hold of my life and there were things I needed to handle and take care of that were out of my control.

Twelve days ago the people of my country started protests against the government and their 82 year old president. The protestors were refined in their demands until the looters started taking control of the demonstration forcing the peaceful protestors to take a different approach to the regime. People were defending their homes and their families against the escaped convicts and the hooligans let loose on the streets.

 In complete panic I called up my mom to check up on her as I would hear the loud gun shots in the background. Nothing seemed real, I felt that my reality was stripped away from me and everyone I loved was trapped in the most shocking of situations.

For years the elite residence of Cairo have been worried that the large starving population of Egypt would revolt against them but no one really put much of those fears into consideration since the Egyptians were developing a very passive attitude towards their circumstances. The rich were getting richer and the poor were getting poorer, until Twelve days ago when the fears of the past 5 years came with a blast.

In spite of what everyone was worried about something beautiful arouse from the situation at hand, all of Egypt united as one; the young and old, the rich and poor, the intellect and the ignorant all held hands in demand of a new Egypt, a new life. The bond grew stronger amongst the people once the prisoners and hooligans were set loose on the streets threatening the lives of those protestors and their families more so once the Egyptian police forces vanished into thin air leaving the people to fend for themselves.

During all this chaos my concern was my mother who was completely alone in Cairo at the time with no one to help her or care for her. Action had to take place to get her to the UAE as soon as possible especially that me and my sister both lived there. I was also worried sick over my best friends not knowing how to help them all into safety praying that God protects them and all of the people of Egypt.

With some amazing help from a spectacular young man we were able to get my mom out of Egypt into the safety of the UAE. Also only a few of my best friends made it out giving me some comfort yet still feeling painful agony for all the rest that were still stuck in Egypt. Constant phone calls were made to check up on everyone and I got to feel through those phone calls the magnitude of love everyone had for their country again.

For years Cairo had lost the spark that brought me to it in the first place, for years I was unable to walk down the streets knowing that I will be harassed by beggars’ and hopeless people. My car would be spat on at times when I would be heading off from one place to the next; people were losing their charm becoming aggressively rude and hurtful. I had moved back to Cairo more than 9 years ago because I felt safe on the streets, people laughed regardless of their situation, if I were to be harassed by anyone I would find a bunch of men attacking the harasser to get him off my case. Cairo with all its other problems never lacked the amazing spirit of its people that kept everyone going back for more.

What took place twelve days ago has given the people of Egypt their reason to live again, a purpose with hope of a better life that was lost to them for more than 20 years. Their oneness is unlike any other, they have bonded as one again fighting for the same cause, supporting one another regardless of what their financial status is. As for me, my love for Egypt has grown ten folds over in the past twelve days, and my desire to go back has over powered my logical thoughts.

As I watch the news and see all the familiar streets I weep in sorrow at the chaos taking place not comprehending what is happening and why? A peaceful protest turned into chaos ruining the beauty that started the whole thing. Yet with all that, the people have gotten stronger, the energy has proven to the world that the Egyptians are a great nation cause of the incredible courage they had in facing their fears and conquering them.

I miss my country, I miss my people, I miss my friends and most of all I miss the spirit of the Egyptians that at last has surfaced again after years and years of poverty and neglect. Through the unexpected arose a new meaning to life to what was a hopeless state.

How a Movie can move us

Movies hold a great power in the internal sense of human beings; they can provoke a person to cry, to laugh, to make new decision in life, to change their fashion statement or to even alert them to work out an internal issue. The type of movies I love the most are the ones that motivate people to follow their dreams and never give up regardless of all the difficulties that may face them in the process, and these movies are often based on a true story, which provides more of an attraction for me to watch them.

Yesterday after a very long stimulating day I was unable to use my mind for anything other than staring at a blank wall or zoning out into a movie. I chose to stare at a blank wall which resulted in allowing my mind to race a thousand miles a minute with thoughts and solutions to problems, so I decided to go with the second option, watching a movie.

The movie I chose made me cry with tears of joy, scream with excitement when needed and expand with determination to follow my passions regardless of what is expected and not expected of me. I understood that once the heart speaks louder to your soul than all the external voices there is nothing that can silence the heart. I came to terms with the fact that no one really knows what is best for me and what my abilities are more than myself. I realized that the root I have recently decided to take was entirely up to me and no matter how strange it may look to everyone on the outside I was following my own truth.

After I was done with the movie and all the tears of joy had seized I knew without a doubt what my purpose in life has always been. It felt like everything I had been searching for and wondering about came into made complete sense. There was a passion inside of me that had purpose, meaning and a reason for existing.

“I am able to do anything I want.”

“I am smart enough to make it a success”

“I am free to use all my talents towards my passion and KNOW it will work wonders”

I sat with no one but my own head that evening and I reflected back into the main character of the movie. She was a simple woman who had four kids, a loving husband and her role in life was a mother, wife and home carer. One day, through a simple event of fate, she found herself motivated in ways unknown to her or her family to save her father’s Horse Farm from being sold to the lowest bidder.  Although everyone was against her especially those she thought would stand by her, she still perused taking care of the Horse farm. Her stamina was incredible in trying to manage both her home and her new found determination and passion.

At the end, with everything going against her except for her assertive conviction to follow through and make it work she ended up being the brilliant Penny Chenery Tweedy who accomplished in guiding her stallion,Secretariat , to win the unbeaten record of the Triple Crown. Her bond and love to her stallion is breath taking and it gave a new found admiration for the human/animal bond and the loyalty found in that bond that is unfortunately not found between human and human.

Looking into my cats eyes after that move i tried to bond on a deeper level as Penny had done with Secretariat and proudly i realized that the bond had always been there only realizing today the magnitude of it at a completely different level of awareness.

Secretariat DVD

Bizzar advice

In 1997 upon my arrival to start living in cairo,I was deprived of any sort of possibilities of any type of classes I was used to having when I lived in Montreal. So when I heard of a yoga instructor that had just started giving classes in Cairo I was the first one of five people attending the class. He was a British guy that had just left his home town with his wife and one year old child to start a life in Cairo. His Yoga space was a room in his apartment and surprisingly three other people; outside of me and one of my best friends, decided to attend. It was lovely, I felt alive and rejuvenated, and the excitement made me vow to myself that I will never miss a yoga class with Charlie.

As I drove home that day, blasting the music in the car, feeling on top of the world I decided to tell my brother about Charlie, knowing how my brother is like, I was sure he would also love to attend these classes.

That night, as I sat in the tv room bummed out on the couch, my brother walked in, stood at the door and started to watch tv with me silently. I jump of the couch as I rememberd the yoga class, i mute the tv and start telling him about the amazing fact of finding a yoga class in Cairo. I told him about Charlie and his family, and I explained how wonderful this whole thing was for me. Not surprisingly my brother decided to join me the next time I go. I was thrilled and I felt that things were starting to pick up in Cairo, maybe life could be normal to a certain degree.

Two days later me, my friend and my brother walk into Charlie’s apartment all dressed up and ready to yogi. I introduce my brother to Charlie, they shake hands, talk for a bit, laugh and then we all head off into his yogi room. To my surprise there are five more people there making the room extremely tight and unbearably stifled, yet I am still 100% determined never to miss a class.

As any normal yoga instructor, Charlie goes around the room and makes sure that everyone has the right posture and stance. He makes sure to position you right as you breath correctly while he rests his hands on your stomach to feel if you’re in rhythm with his instructions. Other times he would pass by the whole class putting his hand on their behinds to make sure that they are crunching their butts correctly as they move up and down in the table position. After an hour of excessive sweat and horrible stench we all stretch out on our mats and start doing a breathing exercise to end the session.

We all get off the mats, smile at one another and everyone starts heading for the door. I look for my brother to hurry him up and I find him standing with Charlie talking; so naturaly I move towards them. To my utmost horror, as I get closer to the conversation talking place between him and my brother, I hear my brother telling Charlie “Look Charlie, some advice you need to know. You’re not in England any more, you’re in Cairo and here you are not allowed to touch women” as I get closer and my smile starts to slowly part away from my face I hear him say “…so if you want to help my sister with her posture I suggest you use a stick and not your hands” he says this with a bright smile and full force of need to help Charlie out in an Arabic country. Little did my brother know that we lived in an open culture and no one was going to arrest Charlie for indecent touching. Little did Charlie know that my brother didn’t know any better making Charlie sweat in panic.

I stood there dumbstruck, I looked at Charlie and then I looked at my brother….i gave a faint smile of apology and extended my hand to shake his; in hopes that he does not think we are a demented culture. He just glared at me then at my extended hand as he slowly gave me a respectful smile and then moved his face to eye my brother in hopes that he passed some secret test.

Needless to say, I had never gone again to that yoga class in fear that he will hit me with a stick instead of using his hands to fix my posture.

The age of 31

“I used to see the flaw in every diamond. Now stones astound me with their perfection.” written by nothingprofound Click on Icon “Lovely Aphorisms..”

The best year of my life was when I turned thirty one. That was the year in which I lost most of my ability to care about what others thought of me or who I was supposed to be. Sitting amongst my friends in a coffee shop, I rested my back on the uncomfortable wooden chair as I placed my hands on my thighs and watched my friends scolding one of the residents of the table regarding her approach towards religion. Although the friend that was being scolded lived a pretty good life with pretty normal expectations she was still not being given a chance to do with her life as she wished to do. In addition she was not to pursue her religion the way she felt she wanted to. It seemed that others expectations of her were greater and very different than what her expectations of herself were.

As I sat there watching the constant criticism that was being bestowed upon her by the dearest people in her life, I came to a realization about myself; I lost my ability to care about what anyone really thinks about my way of life. Who was anyone to tell me how I should feel or think? Who gave anyone the right to tell me how I should handle a certain situation while criticizing the way I had already handled it? Knowing very well that I can’t turn back time and mend it the way they would like me to mend it.

As the days started to pass by, and I was become more and more integrated into the new awareness my whole demeanor started to change. I walked into places with less concern about who was looking and what people were thinking of me. My dress code became fully convenient of my mood rather than having it be for the entertainment of receiving the desired complement. My body felt comfortable to me, I started to feel at ease within my own skin. I looked at myself in the mirror differently, I saw a lovely person, filled with charisma and beauty that I had never really seen before. I came to accept who I am and stopped fighting my core self. I was coming to terms with the fact that; who I have always been will always be who I am.  No matter how much I spent trying to change myself to what each person perceived would be better for me, I was still who I was, my inner self was still the way it always was.

The greatest thing that dawned on me at thirty one was that no matter what my family expected of me or my friends assumed I should do, they still had complaints. Nothing ever satisfied anyone, there was always a fault to be mended and once it was mended then there arouse another fault out of the previously mended fault. In constantly wanting to fix myself according to what others expectations of me where, I lost touch with what I really wanted out of my life and my personality.

People are never happy with anything, there is always a criticism coming one way or another. If you do something great, people will find a fault in it, praising themselves in the process as they express how they could have done it better and how you should have done it their way. What dawned on me at the late age of thirty one was that no matter how I chose to do things there will always be someone, somewhere ready to criticize it. If I wore the red dress I was told to wear to the party, there will be people there that will criticize my choice of color voicing that I look better in green and I should have worn green. If I wear the green to the next party then there will be those who will put down the green and say that I should stick to blues.

There is no pleasing everyone, there is no pleasing anyone, there is only pleasing yourself and caring only for what you think is best for you. Whatever pace you want to pursue your religion in, is yours to judge. Whatever you want to make of your life, it is yours to make. Whomever you want to talk to is yours to decide upon. However you want to act is upon your own judgment of yourself. Most importantly; whatever your vales are, will always be your values to keep and abide by.

People will always criticize people, even if the person is an angel sent from the heavens above with no flaws; a flaw will be found. So love who you have become, accept yourself with all your faults and all your greatness, for there is no one worthy of pleasing but yourself.


Butterflies in Time – Chapter 6

At some point David’s family was getting exhausted from the demands of Emma’s constant complaints about her life with the twins, regardless of how everyone tried to help and be available it was still never enough. Luckily her aunt came in to town to help her since David’s family felt like there was nothing more that a woman would need more than her own family to take care of her in such a tough state. Her mother was unable to help in anyway not knowing what to do with kids, therefore she could only help with offering food to her daughter with no motherly support. As for her father and her step mother, they tried to be there for Emma but their help suffocated her since they too had no clue on how to take care of babies, let alone take care of Emma.

When her aunt came to visit, Emma was a bit more at peace, she was able to complain about her distress with her life on a compassionate shoulder, her aunt had the unconditional love that Emma was raving to get from her own mother. On the other hand David was sucked into his the do’s and don’ts of his religion, allowing no space for his wife to breath in. Everything that he did or thought of was directed to him through his own religious master that lived in the States. He was in constant contact with him asking for his opinion on everything and doing nothing without his approval. If his family would have the tv on and Emma would be sitting there, David would walk in calmly and retort a quote he heard from his religious master to her, then ask her to leave the room and not sit with his family if they still intended to watch tv. When Sandra would blast her music and dance around the house with Rosie next to her David would gently take hold of Emma as he would take her back to their house so they can incorporate some more religious values within her.

Sandra still believed they were soul mates, but she started to believe that they were bad for one another, bringing out the negatives instead of the positives.

As strange as it may have seemed, Emma was always choosing to tell Sandra the truths or lies knowing very well that Sandra was not the type that could handle lies, let alone a lie to her own brother. On many occasions Sandra had sat with Sandra and light up a cigarette with her, puffing away for dear life, running into the bathroom right after to be able to wash any reminisce of the smoke on her in fear of David finding out.

David hated cigarettes from the day he was born, it has always been the one major request he had for any girl that was going to be with him. It was his condition to make sure that he marries a woman that was not a smoker. Out of love for David, Emma never told him that she smokes hoping with all her might that she would not ever desire to smoke again, wishing that she had broken the habit. A year of this type of deceit was enough for Sandra to lose her senses, to her it was an unfair lie to her brother and that this issue should be confronted so that it is dealt with out in the open. Other strange things started to take place, Emma would be perfectly fine with the family until David would walk in then a whole act of illnesses and pain would start to unfold. Her attitude would change and the next act of self pity would start to immerge. The family was starting to dislike Emma’s company, there was a huge lack of trust that was starting to take place in everyone’s heart. David’s mother was the only one trying hard to maintain a love for Emma although it was hard to do as she also started to boss David around to do things for her as the act of illness started to take effect.

One day a large fight emerged between David and Emma caused by Sandra’s inability to keep all the secrets she knew about Emma inside, wanting her brother to discuss everything out in the open, needing Emma to change her ways in hiding the truth and being open and clear about who she was. Emma was in a rut, her mind was not able to adjust with the idea that she could actually say the truth and for it to be accepted by others. She was taught early on that her parents never trusted her, therefore lies were her only way of getting the attention she so desperately seeked. David’s mother was the only one who saw what Emma was going through internally.  The day came when Sandra could not more keep her silence as she went over to her brother’s house and told him about all the deceit he was in, and the blindness he was accepting upon himself. There was a choice to be made and the choice was either to have an open relationship with his wife and confront her with all that was happening behind the scenes or to just not come that often to the family home allowing his family to be evidence to what was really taking place.

The largest fight took place, and the deepest conversations started to work between the couple. The decision was also taken to leave the country and move to another country, away from the family to allow them to grow and establish themselves better as an entity. David had applied for a job in Canada and was going to take his family and go there hoping for a better future and a better life. Emma was open to the new change but was worried about her inability of taking care of her 6 month old twins on her own. David was not gonna be able to hire a full time nanny as he was just starting to build himself and Emma was not able to survive without help.

After their fights that brewed because of Sandra’s long talk with her brother, David became aware of his environment and Emma’s choice of friends. One of the many things that David came to understand was that Emma had invited a friend over once to her house in the absence of David, allowing her friend to smoke marijuana in the house as the babies were sleeping in another room. This surely made David come to realize the bad influence of friends on his wife, keep her more locked up and under surveillance. His Religious Master was filling his mind with different ways to tame his wife, allowing no space for either of them to find the road of balance and harmony amongst themselves. David was given verses after verses to read all day long, mantra’s for him and his wife to say at certain hours of the day that would eat up no less than four hours. There were also prayers to be made outside of the required five prayers. There were books to be read and lessons to go to. In reality there was no time for anything else to happen; their lives were rotated around David’s religious Masters Requirements to make them a better people for the afterlife.

David’s family tried their utmost best to talk sense into him, but to no avail. Emma was in a whirlwind of her own, with her childhood trauma’s, twins in her care and a life that only included the worship of God through an enormous list of things to do, Emma was no more the girl that anyone knew.

David was taught to believe that the reason all this bad was happening to him was because his faith was not strong enough, therefore an abundance of religious requirements kept growing and growing as nothing worked.

To be continued……chapter 7

Butterflies in Time – Chapter 1 – David

Once upon a time in the year of 2000 there was a young man by the name of David. A handsome young man who loved music from within his inner core, he allowed the wonders of the beats to enter his soul as he enjoyed the entertainment that he was so willingly able to offer to others. David was a DJ an underground DJ that knew how to max wonderful mixes going from song to song with complete ease, fulfilling his listeners with an inner build up of euphoria that would take their souls to the outskirts of the universe and bring them back gently as the night was coming to an end. On those nights David would receive an abundance of red roses from his fans as they would stare at him all starry eyed filled with hope.
In the late hours of the night, music would be gently penetrating the walls of his home, practicing his music skills preparing for another night of musical ecstasy. His parents were worried about him but his sisters were proud of him, nights on end they would all sit in his room and listen to him merge his music into one journey that would allow all to feel the warmth of the desired state. It was a good life, it was a simple life, and there were so many more of those nights to come, if only it were not for the country that David’s family decided to reside in life may have stayed on the course it was on.
David came from a wealthy family, yet regardless of the wealth his parents were very keen on providing their children with the humblest of attitudes. He had two sisters each one completely different than the other with one thing in common the abundance of love that they all had for one another. His older sister Sandra was very righteous and her main concerns in life were always to watch out for her family making sure that they were all in a good place in their lives. As for the younger sister Rosie, well she was of a wild spirit always ready to go against any rule that was cast down upon her by her parents.
 

As they were growing up, Sandra, Rosie and David were at opposite ends of the spectrum on life, Sandra was the one who always laughed and danced around the house without a care in the world, living in her own bubble that was filled with pink butterflies and ponies. She was always asked to step out of her bubble to solve a problem then allowed to move back in once the problem was solved. She had learnt that laughing was a good way to ward of sadness and it became her understanding to always be the life of the house. Rosie was of a quieter nature more to herself yet incredibly smart, there were days where she would sleep with the encyclopedia thrown open next to her as she had memorized a new word or a new definition. She was also very attached to her mother holding on to her skirt in hope that she won’t get lost, it was a grounding to her, a way to allow her to feel safe and secure from the world outside. Rosie would observe her older sister and require that she be given the same privileges, not allowing her parents to offer her any less. This activated in her an ability to peruse with full force what she wanted to do, having complete ability to persist for days on end without a breath of air until she got what she wanted. On the other hand Rosie was of utmost kindness, taking care of anyone who was ill or feeling down by providing them with blankets and soup to comfort their aching body or sad soul. As for David, being the youngest in the family, he was loved by their mother. In actuDavidty it is a good thing that she did show more love to him since he was receiving torturous times from his sister Rosie, as Rosie was being miss treated by her sister Sandra.
 

David was extremely quiet, he spent most of his time playing on his own, cars were a wonder to him and comic books were his world. He spent his entire childhood collecting comic books. Each time he would buy one he would make sure to put it back in its transparent envelope that he bought it in so that one day, if he felt like reading it again, he would be able to feel that it was still brand new. David was a mystery, his kindness was shown in his gentle ways with others, his well thought of words, his self expression and his love towards his family. The family depended on his kindness and with time his powerful wisdom in whatever stage of life he was in was always welcomed by all. In silence you seek knowledge and David was definitely silent and a great seeker of knowledge. The universe was of his utmost interest, telescopes were purchased and weeks on end of finding mars were ventured in the darkest hours of the night. He shared all this with Sandra who was also very interested in the universe and all its beauty. With time Sandra and David were closer than any other members of the family. Their interests were similar, their priorities were the same and their life observations and conversations were what created a great bond that allowed them to enter different worlds as they ventured into the glory of the human mind.

As the years passed and the countries changed the closeness of the family grew stronger, they had an abundance of friends but they only had one another to rely on and trust. Since David possessed a mind older than what his age indicated, he enjoyed the times he spend with Sandra’s friends immensely. Sandra always had a full life filled with friends and outings and her parents home was always a haven of fun for everyone she knew. In her high school years her house was a daily outing for others and music would always be blaring from the garden as friends just gathered around to talk, dance sing karaoke or swim in the pool. During those times David was always around, talking to her friends or simply sitting in the shadows observing the how they act and what they are saying to one another. He was loved by all and his intellect and observations were cherished by the older crowd.

Sandra had already graduated and moved to university away from the family to a different country and David was still in touch with all her friends, as some of them decided to stay behind for a year before heading off to university; David would find time to go hang out with them to keep the comfort and self growth that he needed at the time. Sandra’s friends were DJ’s abroad and when they would return back from their universities to visit their families, David would be waiting impatiently for their return in hope of learning something new or acquiring an insight into the outside world. That is when David was introduced to the world of underground mixing, in the ripe age of sixteen David was given the golden key that would set his soul souring, giving him a new way to express himself, allowing him the freedom to maintain his silence.

To be continued………