The beauty of my Planet X

I was reading through all my previous articles and i realized i loved this one so much, that i had to re-post it again 🙂

Within the last three years my life took a detour unlike any I had ever encountered in the 32 years I had existed on this earth.

I had lived a life filled with love, hope and dreams of pink ponies and a prince on a white horse. I believed in all the beauties of the great possibilities of what the future may hold for me. My existence was based on love; love of others, love of life and most importantly the belief in everlasting love with my soul mate. I believed in every cell of my body that my soul mate was just a step away from me, I dreamt of it and at times I felt it. I dreamt of my happily ever after as I basked in the comforts of security and financial bliss provided to me on a silver platter by my parents.

Life was a pink bubble of dreams waiting to happen. I lived in my heart, I lived in my soul and I lived most of my time in my thoughts; a place my family used to call “Planet X”. I spent 80% of my time on planet X and I utterly relished every moment of it. On my private planet I had a beautiful home that was white in color in the rare areas in which something other than glass windows showed. It possessed a beautiful large dark wooden terrace that wrapped itself around three quarters of my glass home. My home over looked the most luscious green fields on one side and faced the wide ocean expanse on the other side.   A cobbled street lead up to my front door as it settled itself amongst an array of fruit trees providing a colorful design to the surrounding fields of green. Butterflies flew haphazardly on top of an abundance of wild flowers that continuously swayed with the soft chilled breeze that blew across the sea. There were Small colored shops filled with the smiles of potential buyers and the hopeful sellers. There were a small variety of restaurants that were embedded underneath the gushing flow of a tempress waterfall.  I had horses and ponies that knew me by my fragrance and raced towards me when I would enter their fields of freedom to welcome me into their world. I had peace, love, happiness and honesty amongst everyone that lived on planet X. Most importantly my Planet X gave me the ability to see my real world with peace, love, happiness and honesty.

For the last three years I have been trying to find Planet X, I try to sit on my own to conjure it back into my life; sadly I have realized that Planet X has left me, it spat me out of its heavenly comforts. It left me to fend for myself; with no more fruitless hope on the great possibilities of a dream like future to go back to.

I miss planet X, I miss my outlook on life and I miss having trust and belief in the good of others. Within the last three years I had married a man I believed to be my soul mate, no later than eight months I was demolished and divorced the cruelest man I had ever encountered in my whole life.  That was the first sign of the hazy disappearance of my Planet X, as it still remained a part of my life, but a lot less vivid, I believed that things will only get better after the biggest crush of my life. Sadly, I made another wrong choice as I was still trying to believe in the good in humanity. I chose to share an apartment with a woman who showed nothing but kindness and love for me, to discover a year and a half later that she was disclosing my pain to others and destroying my reputation using tactfully planned lies for no reason other than preserving her need to make her surrounding environment believe the lie of the person she really was. Once I had gotten back on my feet again trying to bring into my life my Planet X in hopes of reviving my bright hopes of the future again. To my dismay it took a few months to find my Planet X, and this time around I noticed how its previously vibrant colors were diminishing behind a grey colored smog. It was hard to acquire hope or muster up any positive outlook on humanity. During that period in my life, my only sanctuary was my work, I had a passion for it unlike anything else, and any possibility of ever leaving it was deleted by my abundance of loyalty I had for it. After pouring my heart and soul into my work and proving myself completely competent of all the tasks that were under my scope and out of my scope of work I was pleased to know that my company decided to hire a new member into our wonderful team. A few months down the line, the new member’s attitude started to slowly creep its way into my professional life, I was unable to comprehend what he was trying to do. He smiled with earnest in front of me as he praised my continuous ability to make things happen at work. To my dismay, as time elapsed, I found that most of the jobs that I was handling were nowhere to be seen, he was discarding of me, and hating my tremendous closeness to all the people I worked with and for. He took work away from me telling me it was taken care of while making others believe I was not competent enough to do the work. He never once confronted me with anything, his mode of communication with me consisted of nothing more than jokes, gossips and continuous praise. The work environment became competitive and it lost all the beauty of group work. I had to watch my back with my every move as I monitored his every move, suspecting all his underlying truths knowing they were all lies. I fought like a lioness protecting her cubs, not succumbing to a bully trying to demolish all the hard work I had slaved for in two years. He was tranquilized for a few months until his strength was built again, taunting me with the same methods in a much sneakier way this time around.

As I continued fighting my work battle I lost total faith in humanity and planet X had completely disappeared. I could not even access it anymore for I was unable to sit with myself for more than five minutes. A month after my first confrontation at work took place my parents got divorced and I lose sight of everything I ever held close to my heart. My sanctuary, my security and my home were gone. All what I believed to be real was erased from my being and there was nothing to hold onto anymore.  From a life of complete love, acceptance, support, humanity, respect, values, loves from great men, friends that were devoted to my friendship and an artistic business that I owned; came the forceful gush of the harsh doors of emotional and mental hell. Of course planet X disappeared from my existence as I had come to understand that I don’t believe in it anymore. My three year experiences showed me a side to humanity that I had never known existed before. Those devastating three years poured its black gunk all over my beautiful pink bubble, over powering all the beauty that lived within it.

Today as I am still battling the dark disappointments within me, I have missed Planet X with all the innocence it had provided me with. I want to go back to Planet X, I am working hard to seduce it back into my life, I am exhausted of disappointment, I am tired of sadness and I am open to all the upcoming experiences that I must face. I have come to terms with a few of my disappointments, knowing that today I am fully aware of what I DO NOT want in my life giving me more clarity to the things I truly cherish and want in my life.

I am able today to see my planet X, i actually can touch it every once in a while and it is a welcoming feeling that i have longed for. My planet X has found it’s way through all the mess and has started to cleanse my soul bit by bit and with every breath i take it filters me with hope and love and removes all the dirt and dust.

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Trust in Alex-Part 5

Part 5

A laugh came bursting out of him and his stories started to descend upon me one brick at a time. “Oh Rain….really you think by being with him every day he wont cheat on you, trust me he will find a way. He will cheat at work with someone willing to pull down her pants for a few minutes of ecstasy. Yes it takes a few minutes if you really wanna get it” he continues to laugh making me feel like a fool in more ways than one. I protest against his persistence of making me believe that there is no hope in a faithful relationship. “No, that is not true” I argue “It cant be true” but now I am a bit shaken by the thought of it and he continues “If your husband tells you he is late at work, how do you trust he is not screwing his colleague instead of the meeting he told you he has to attend? When he travels on those supposed business trips, spending so much time alone in a hotel room how do you know he is not getting laid on those lonely nights? You are gonna be there at work with him too? Will you travel on all his business trips? What if you cant? Your sick? Your pregnant? Your not in the mood? You have a deadline at work?. Then what? Can you trust that he is faithful? Never…..listen to me, I want you to face up to the reality of life, so that when you end up meeting your soul mate you are not traumatized by these facts that will undoubtedly happen to you.”

As my resistance starts getting weaker I voice out slowly and more to myself than to him “But we will be in love and he will be so sexually satisfied with only having me as a partner.” He naturally had a ready response to my unsaid words “I didn’t say anything about love, I said he will cheat and you have to accept it. I love my wife to death, but I cheat all the time. There are times where I call up one of my friends on my lunch break and we meet up in the hotel next door, have sex and we both go back to work. Its normal, everyone does it, no one talks about it though. No one will admit to you what I am admitting to you know, the truth.” He gets up to stretch and stays standing as he says “Another thing you should know, even if he doesn’t stay late at work or travel for work or goes out for his lunch breaks he can do it in the office. Under the stair case, in the bathroom, in the store room nothing stops men, it’s in their nature and they will always do it. So what are you gonna do now? Get shocked when your older and married to a man believing he doesn’t cheat or accept that he does and just live with it?”

Again I tired to fight his theory by saying “I am older today, I won’t go for someone who has not enjoyed their life to the extreme, I will be with someone who has done it all and is ready for a family and a clean decent life with me, a friend a partner” to my dismay Alex responds with “And then one day you turn fifty and find out he has been having sex the whole time but your already in your fifities too but the only difference is you’re a woman and what used to be perky is now sagging down to your knees and what used to be sexy is revolting and you want to have an affair just to hurt him but there is no one to sleep with cause you have lost all your elasticity and the opportunity to use your young body right.”

This was getting too far. I didn’t want to believe that I would want to adamantly cheat on my spouse, I didn’t want to know how old and disgusting I will look the day I find out how often my partner cheated on me. So I maneuvered the topic around by asking him “so you have only ever cheated on your wife? Right? Or have you cheated on all your girlfriends before?” Alex smiles and says “of course I had cheated on my girlfriends, some of them knew and some of them didn’t, but of course I did and as it so happens I would sometimes cheat on them while I was at work.”

I decided to shut my mouth and just pretend I had gone dumb. Alex had a determination unlike any I had ever known, he wanted to make me see the light, he wanted to wake me up to reality, he wanted to shock me into reality. “I don’t find what I do or done wrong since the whole world does it, actually I am a very nice guy inside and have great respect for women.” That is when a new tale came my way, a bomb of a tale.

“Let me tell you a few stories just to prove to you that I am really a good guy and not the horrible man you seem to think I am. As the thing you need to know, i never make the first move, they always do and i simply comply. So it is not me, it is the women”.

I have a best friend who is married to one of my friends, but she is more my friend than he is. Anyway they have two kids and don’t live here. We have been friends forever and never once did we sleep with one another, although I am sure there was some sort of attraction we never took it there. So one day I find out that her husband is cheating on her and I feel bad for her, I mean she is a mother and loves her husband but she still had no idea. Now somehow she ended up finding out and called me immediately after to tell me and cry over the phone. My wife at the time was out of town and so I invited her to come stay with me for a few days and get away from her husband and kids for a mental break. The plan went through and she actually came to visit and stayed with me for a few days. As you should know we were used to sleeping next to one another in the past but nothing ever happened between us we really were just great friends. So on her visit to me we naturally maintained the coziness of our friendship until one of those nights she was crying so much and completely devastated by her husband’s cheating, to console her we ended up sleeping together.” My mouth dropped at that point, I thought he was trying to show me that he is a good guy after all? What the hell happened there? So I sarcastically say “you cant even maintain a long friendship with a female without sleeping with her at some point in your life? Why the hell would you do something like that? She was still married and for God’s sake so were you. And in your house?????”

Alex had no inhibitions on that strange day, nothing made him stop not even shame of my constant shocked looking state. So he went on to explain what he meant by a good guy “We never did it again after that one time, she felt better after cheating on her husband and with all honesty I felt guilty after that cause as I got out of the shower I found her sitting on my lap top chatting with her kids with such love. I could not do that to her again. So we decided to maintain the friendship as it is.” So that was Alex being decent, God I laughed, I laughed and laughed at that. Was this guy for real?

I then explained to him that I don’t take sex so lightly that it is a special thing to give your body to someone in that way, that if you cant value your body then no one else would. And why should every other guy know exactly how my body looks and reacts to ecstasy? I believe that it is a very private special thing that only belongs to the one you love and choose to spend the rest of your life with, not every passing body is mine to have lustfully allowing for it to be touched by so many people with no regard to the sanctuary of it being my temple to care for and protect.

I looked at the little table that my arm was resting on and found that my pack of cigarettes had finished, surprised I took a look at the ashtray and realized it was filled to the brim, a whole pack worthy of smokes were piled up in a disgusting display of ashes and burned out paper. Since my trauma was so intense I called the office boy to go get me another pack of cigarettes ASAP.

What followed was heartfelt advice from Alex to me “Rain, you need to have sex all the time? Your young, your fit, your free, you should go around and enjoy every minute of it before it gets too late. Your gonna keep waiting for your soul mate to come, who will undoubtedly cheat on you and then you will regret everyday that passed of your youth not exploring sex with all different kinds of men. You will hate your life when the day comes and your too old to do anything about it. Believe me your future husband will cheat on you and you may find out when your sixty or seventy and feel like an idiot for having been faithful to him all those years when he was unfaithful all along.” I look at him shocked and say angrily to him “I would never cheat on my partner are you MAD!!” after knowing that he provoked he resolved to another solution for my lack of sex and my adamant belief that my future spouse would not cheat on me. Alex gave me a new plan “look, I know this amazing beach in Europe, it is a nudes beach. It is divided into section according to your status. There is a section for couples, one for singles and anther for gays and lesbians, I recommend you to go there into the singles area and see what happens around you. Everyone is naked and having sex with everyone at random, there is no shame in it and it expands your sexual horizon, no one will know. I went there with my wife when we were just dating at the time, but we went to the couples beach. At first it was strange to see so many naked people having sex all over the place, switching partners with not a care in the world. Later on we got into the groove of things and it felt like the most normal place to be in. I chose a partner for my wife(I made sure he was the ugliest one around) and she chose one for me, which also seemed to be the lesser attractive of the bunch. It opened our horizons to life and I would recommend it to anyone I know.”

I thought to myself “Did he hear nothing of what I said about my body being a temple???? Was he honestly advising me to go to a nude beach and have sex with a bunch of different men all in the span of a day?” I started to get up to walk away, my heart was aching and I felt sick inside I took a look at him and asked “So you have no problem if your wife is cheating on you too or that she is having sex with a whole bunch of different men in your presence?”

Alex then explained how he would have a problem with it naturally but at least when he was in charge of picking the guy and she was doing it in front of him it was not cheating. None of it made sense to me, yes I knew there were people who enjoyed sex with several people all at one time, and others that enjoyed switching partners, I knew a couple like that years ago, but I never understood it then and I was damned if I could understand it now. Then he explained to me that he was sure his wife was not cheating on him, but even if she was it was ok not a big deal, its human nature.

I thought to myself at that point, and wondered about the possibilities of his wife not really caring what her husband did. IF there came a point in her life while they were dating that they went on a sexual excursion on a beach that was their prerogative and in knowing that i started to wonder if maybe she was cheating on him too since they were both sexually open and experimental. Then i remembered the day i met her for the first time and the sadness i felt within her, and i realized that it was not because she knew anything about her husband or was busy cheating it was because she found out she was pregnant again for the second time a few months after giving birth to their first son and she couldnt handle it.

To be continued………