Vanishing Time


In a world where “time” seems to vanish into thin air while “things to do” keep lingering on with constant hope of catching “time”, I am left to wonder where is time vanishing too?

The alarm rings at 8:00am and I keep snoozing it for an hour hoping to get more sleep yet dreading the wasted minutes that are passing me by. That hour of snoozing is a restless hour, filled with thoughts and continues demands to enjoy my sleep. A battle deep within me makes it impossible to fall back into the wonders of my dreams and away from the schedules of my reality.

I finally push the covers off my body, jump out of bed and rush to the bathroom. It is at this point on that I am unable to relax, every minute counts, every second makes a difference and the whole schedule starts to form itself accordingly. I flip through my clothes in the closet in hopes of finding something I feel comfortable with, knowing that I will be out of the house all day with no hope of coming home to take an hour break I had to choose something that would last me all day long.

Within 10 minutes I am done getting dressed and go off into the TV room to have my mug of coffee and cigarette before I have to rush out of the house. I walk into the TV room to find my mom already there fully dressed and sipping on her coffee in delight watching the news channel. I sit with her as we have a quick update of both our mornings and then immediately finish off my coffee as I move myself towards my laptop to check my e-mails, wondering if there is anything that needs to be done before I have to leave. As it just so happens, there is always something to be done, and so in complete indulgence I dive into work mode, hearing nothing and answering no one. My mom tries to open topics with me and all that keeps coming out of my mouth are the words, “yes”, “oh”, “really” and “hmmmm”. Recently I have learnt to add the word “no” to my response system since I had found myself saying “yes” to things I have no interest in doing or the time to do.

Hours keep passing by as work over takes my entire soul, i can’t seem to stop, I can’t find a way to stop. One thing takes me into the next and into the next and in no time 3 hours have already passed and I haven’t seen the streets yet. I am already running late, my phone won’t stop ringing and I finally pick it up to go through all my bbm’s, my missed calls and any sms’s. I roll away from my desk, switch off the lap top, and rush back into the bathroom to wash my face again, brush my teeth and put on my flip flops. I return back to the tv room to pack up my lap top to take it to work with me and to my dismay my mom has a list of things she wants of me. I stand there on edge, all that is running through my mind is “I have no time, I have no time, I have no time.” Therefore I have not heard 50% of what was requested of me. I kiss her good bye and rush out the door carrying my lap top and hand bag that weights a 100 kilos from the weight of all the notebooks and books I have wedged into it.

At last I am on the road, its already 1:00pm and I am so far away from where I should be. The traffic is insane and I know that I am spending a good hour, if not more, on the road. I pick up my phone, attaché the head set to it and go through all my missed calls and unanswered bbm’s. As I am driving at no more than 3 miles an hour I am able to return all my phone calls and respond to all the bbm’s and sms’s.  Finally an hour later I arrive to work excited to get hold of my lap top again and start working on all the things that I had to cut short to get out of the house. As I park the car and walk towards my work in the Art Café I am bombarded by a whole bunch of people who are there taking classes or asking about the classes we offer there.

Quick summary about my job: It’s a place that me and two other friends decided to open together, a place where people can go and enjoy a few hours in a very artistic environment that provides nothing but art. It was 7 years ago that the idea became a reality and its been taken care of solely by one partner. I had spend a good two years in it then I left town for a good 5 years and finally my partners decided to convince me to come back and be fully involved. I came back to an amazing environment that was filled with people and over 30 different types of creative art classes. Our business had expanded and all the people in Cairo knew the name “Art Café”. I was so proud of my partner, she had done a great job at marketing the place and I was wondering how we were making no profit at all. That is when my role came in, I needed a base for it, a solid base, formats, schedules, prices, cost estimates etc….New branches needed to open up, yet was impossible to do with the lack of any profit we were receiving. We were requested to be more available in different areas in Cairo. We needed to expand in so many ways and that is when all the work began. On the other hand I also had my passions that I needed to pursue, reiki and NLP coaching. And so I revamped a room to turn it into a quiet reiki and NLP room.

So going back to the day: As I walked in to the Art Café I realized that getting any work done on my lap top was going to be near impossible. There were workers there renovating the space outdoors, there were workers inside painting the walls. There were children working on an array of art projects, adults coming in to take their art classes and the whole staff running around like headless chickens. Luckily my partner is there also and we try to find any place to go and have a quick update on the new upcoming art season, to no avail. We are able to exchange a few words every few hours, as we are being asked a tone of other things to do and work on.

By 7pm the day has calmed down and there is just one class taking place and the Art Café is silent with the amazing background music taking over the silence. I take out my lap top and with a joy in my heart, I take a seat to get some work done. I look at my phone and realize there is a whole new set of bbm’s, and missed calls. I decide to return the calls which eat up another hour of my day as the evening plans with friends take place. I do a few NLP’s on friends over the phone to help them out with a few issues and work on 1 or two people in Art Café who need a quick reiki for a certain emotional or physical pain.

Its already 8:30pm and I have not worked on any of the things I needed to work on, my own personal deadlines. I close my lap top, pack my things, say bye to everyone still working in Art Café and head off to my social outing. Another hour in the car, and this time I choose to hear my music blaring on blast to stop my brain from thinking. The music provokes more thoughts and so as I sit stuck in traffic I take out my note pad and jot down all the things running through my mind, my schedule gets even larger.

Finally I get to my destination point, hop out of the car, leave my lap top in the car, take my hand bag as the phone is wedged between my shoulder and my right ear talking to my friends, figuring out where they are located. As I walk in, I take a deep breath and realize what a great feeling it is to disconnect and just hang out with my friends for a bit, somewhere outside of work and all the work things I can’t stop thinking about.

The evening turns out to be very interesting, different friends join in as others leave and I find myself sitting there for at least another 3 hours, enjoying every minute of it. It’s already past 12:00am and I start itching to leave, worried about my sleep and the morning snooze. I finally get up, get in my car again and head home. It’s around 1:30 am as I park the car, exhausted and totally burnt out, my eyes burn, my head is throbbing and my shoulders are completely knotted up.

I get home, go into my bedroom and rip the clothes off my body as I rush to get into the shower. the excitement of putting on my pj’s is overwhelming and I relish every item I put on. Sleep has left me, and I am wide awake again, I go into the tv room, my mom is already fast asleep and so I have time on my own, time to just flip through he tv channels and zone out into a good show or movie. My cats greet me with an amazing amount of love as I take out their brushes and start to groom them while I watch something interesting on tv. Once done, I flop on the couch and get into a state of mind filled with nothing but interest in what I am watching.

Its 2:30 am and finally I am sleepy again, I switch off the tv set, say good night to my cats and head towards my bedroom. I cozy up inside the covers, take out my eye glasses, pick up my book that is perfectly placed on my bedside table, and I start to read. No less than half hour later my book has returned to its designated spot, my glasses are thrown into their box and I am fast asleep, inside my world of dreams and love.

Things are still pending, time has passed me by, and I have gotten only 60% of things done. Time seems to pass me by, life seems to fly by without my being able to catch it. If only I can find Time, if only I can hold it down and tell it to wait…wait for a bit…..wait for me….wait I have so much I have to do, so many things I want to do…..STOP and wait for me.

The beauty of my Planet X

I was reading through all my previous articles and i realized i loved this one so much, that i had to re-post it again 🙂

Within the last three years my life took a detour unlike any I had ever encountered in the 32 years I had existed on this earth.

I had lived a life filled with love, hope and dreams of pink ponies and a prince on a white horse. I believed in all the beauties of the great possibilities of what the future may hold for me. My existence was based on love; love of others, love of life and most importantly the belief in everlasting love with my soul mate. I believed in every cell of my body that my soul mate was just a step away from me, I dreamt of it and at times I felt it. I dreamt of my happily ever after as I basked in the comforts of security and financial bliss provided to me on a silver platter by my parents.

Life was a pink bubble of dreams waiting to happen. I lived in my heart, I lived in my soul and I lived most of my time in my thoughts; a place my family used to call “Planet X”. I spent 80% of my time on planet X and I utterly relished every moment of it. On my private planet I had a beautiful home that was white in color in the rare areas in which something other than glass windows showed. It possessed a beautiful large dark wooden terrace that wrapped itself around three quarters of my glass home. My home over looked the most luscious green fields on one side and faced the wide ocean expanse on the other side.   A cobbled street lead up to my front door as it settled itself amongst an array of fruit trees providing a colorful design to the surrounding fields of green. Butterflies flew haphazardly on top of an abundance of wild flowers that continuously swayed with the soft chilled breeze that blew across the sea. There were Small colored shops filled with the smiles of potential buyers and the hopeful sellers. There were a small variety of restaurants that were embedded underneath the gushing flow of a tempress waterfall.  I had horses and ponies that knew me by my fragrance and raced towards me when I would enter their fields of freedom to welcome me into their world. I had peace, love, happiness and honesty amongst everyone that lived on planet X. Most importantly my Planet X gave me the ability to see my real world with peace, love, happiness and honesty.

For the last three years I have been trying to find Planet X, I try to sit on my own to conjure it back into my life; sadly I have realized that Planet X has left me, it spat me out of its heavenly comforts. It left me to fend for myself; with no more fruitless hope on the great possibilities of a dream like future to go back to.

I miss planet X, I miss my outlook on life and I miss having trust and belief in the good of others. Within the last three years I had married a man I believed to be my soul mate, no later than eight months I was demolished and divorced the cruelest man I had ever encountered in my whole life.  That was the first sign of the hazy disappearance of my Planet X, as it still remained a part of my life, but a lot less vivid, I believed that things will only get better after the biggest crush of my life. Sadly, I made another wrong choice as I was still trying to believe in the good in humanity. I chose to share an apartment with a woman who showed nothing but kindness and love for me, to discover a year and a half later that she was disclosing my pain to others and destroying my reputation using tactfully planned lies for no reason other than preserving her need to make her surrounding environment believe the lie of the person she really was. Once I had gotten back on my feet again trying to bring into my life my Planet X in hopes of reviving my bright hopes of the future again. To my dismay it took a few months to find my Planet X, and this time around I noticed how its previously vibrant colors were diminishing behind a grey colored smog. It was hard to acquire hope or muster up any positive outlook on humanity. During that period in my life, my only sanctuary was my work, I had a passion for it unlike anything else, and any possibility of ever leaving it was deleted by my abundance of loyalty I had for it. After pouring my heart and soul into my work and proving myself completely competent of all the tasks that were under my scope and out of my scope of work I was pleased to know that my company decided to hire a new member into our wonderful team. A few months down the line, the new member’s attitude started to slowly creep its way into my professional life, I was unable to comprehend what he was trying to do. He smiled with earnest in front of me as he praised my continuous ability to make things happen at work. To my dismay, as time elapsed, I found that most of the jobs that I was handling were nowhere to be seen, he was discarding of me, and hating my tremendous closeness to all the people I worked with and for. He took work away from me telling me it was taken care of while making others believe I was not competent enough to do the work. He never once confronted me with anything, his mode of communication with me consisted of nothing more than jokes, gossips and continuous praise. The work environment became competitive and it lost all the beauty of group work. I had to watch my back with my every move as I monitored his every move, suspecting all his underlying truths knowing they were all lies. I fought like a lioness protecting her cubs, not succumbing to a bully trying to demolish all the hard work I had slaved for in two years. He was tranquilized for a few months until his strength was built again, taunting me with the same methods in a much sneakier way this time around.

As I continued fighting my work battle I lost total faith in humanity and planet X had completely disappeared. I could not even access it anymore for I was unable to sit with myself for more than five minutes. A month after my first confrontation at work took place my parents got divorced and I lose sight of everything I ever held close to my heart. My sanctuary, my security and my home were gone. All what I believed to be real was erased from my being and there was nothing to hold onto anymore.  From a life of complete love, acceptance, support, humanity, respect, values, loves from great men, friends that were devoted to my friendship and an artistic business that I owned; came the forceful gush of the harsh doors of emotional and mental hell. Of course planet X disappeared from my existence as I had come to understand that I don’t believe in it anymore. My three year experiences showed me a side to humanity that I had never known existed before. Those devastating three years poured its black gunk all over my beautiful pink bubble, over powering all the beauty that lived within it.

Today as I am still battling the dark disappointments within me, I have missed Planet X with all the innocence it had provided me with. I want to go back to Planet X, I am working hard to seduce it back into my life, I am exhausted of disappointment, I am tired of sadness and I am open to all the upcoming experiences that I must face. I have come to terms with a few of my disappointments, knowing that today I am fully aware of what I DO NOT want in my life giving me more clarity to the things I truly cherish and want in my life.

I am able today to see my planet X, i actually can touch it every once in a while and it is a welcoming feeling that i have longed for. My planet X has found it’s way through all the mess and has started to cleanse my soul bit by bit and with every breath i take it filters me with hope and love and removes all the dirt and dust.

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Trust in Alex-Part 2

Part 2

In the months that came after that I had to move offices and start to work in a site office that luckily I designed making it easier for me to make my office space to my liking. I made sure to have a floor to ceiling window which opens up and allows me easy access to the site and to a small little outdoors sitting arrangement I purchased on my account. There were two major reasons for my mandatory terrace and they were that I loved to smoke and I enjoyed nothing more than sitting in God’s nature outside of the confines of walls. So again, I had two office spaces that were purely for me and whoever came to visit me would end up sitting on my little terrace with a cup of coffee and their cigarette.

As I settled in my new little haven and was pleasantly surprised to notice that a lot of my colleagues that were still situated in the main office came to visit, making the move easier to handle especially when I was starting to have problems with my new manager. Alex was one of those colleagues and later on he was moved to work on a project that was no more than two minutes away from mine, making our meetings more often than with the rest of the gang. I constantly keep myself updated with his life and his wife, always craving to hear the sacrifices and love that was taking place between them. His wife was still in a depression and he was at a loss with what he can do for her. I maintained my admiration over his dedication to his wife and child growing more and more adamant for accepting nothing less in my future life from my spouse.

In the next coming months I asked him if we could all meet up again, I didn’t want to be a pressure on his wife by asking to go out with her for coffee alone especially that she was depressed and probably only wanted to spend time at home. So I went to Alex and asked him to make another outing, maybe there was something I could say that could help her feel better about things, all my friends went through it. It was then that I found out she had left town again cause she was not feeling well and needed to head back to spend time with her family in the states, he was going to accompany her for a week or so in a week or so.

Upon another one of his ventures into my tiny terrace space for a chat and a coffee Alex invited me to meet his friends that were coming into town to visit him. He knew about my traumatic experience with my ex roommate (blog: shocking Truth) and wanted to introduce me to a bunch of nice people for a change. He said I would really like them and that they will be having lunch on the weekend on the promenade under my house. With all honesty I never say no to anyone who asks me to join them especially when it is somewhere on the promenade under where I live. I asked him if his wife will be ok with that and he told me that she will have no problems with it, she liked me and she knows he has lots of girls as friends, so it was no big deal at all since she was out of town and knows his friends who are visiting and had already met me.

As the weekend started getting closer I started to debate the etiquette of actually going out for lunch with Alex and his friends without his wife present, I had only met her once and there was no way on earth I would ever want her to think that I would disrespect her lack of presence. I asked Alex again if Julie truly had no problems and he promised me that she was fine with everything, that she knew he had a full life and knew everything about it, he never lied to her about anything. I was comforted by that notion and put to sleep the nagging feeling I had internally.

At 10:00 am Friday morning I was wide awake, the weekend was here and I was excited to start a fresh day out in the sun. My work had been getting stressful and the challenges between me and my manager were getting out of control, so when the weekend came around I was elated with the sense of freedom. I stepped out of bed, had my morning coffee, my cigarette, played with my cat (it was only one cat at the time) and I started getting dressed for the long awaited lunch. I changed several outfits not knowing which to wear making sure I don’t wear something too provocative yet it needed to also be my weekend clothing style. In the back of my mind I was hoping that the group of friends I was about to meet had at least one Hot guy that had the same lovely traits that Alex possessed. So I was really getting dressed to attract a hotty to me yet not wanting anyone to think that my outfit was to attract Alex to me. At the end I went with what felt comfortable and was my typical weekend attire. I happily skipped towards the elevator as I continued my phone calls with other friends to plan for the rest of my day with them.

Running a few minutes late I hurriedly walked towards their table situated in the exact same spot that me and Julia first met. To my dismay I notice there are only three people on the table and none of them being a hotty. I perk up my disappointment in hopes that some more people will join us later on because Alex did say “Friends” not two friends. I seat my self in the only other available seat (confirming I am the last to attend this lunch) which is situated right in front of Alex. To his left sat a young man that possessed a lanky posture and a thin body frame with a golden wedding ring glittering in the sun light, he seemed like a nice guy but I didn’t feel that comfortable around him. So I turned around to say hello to the woman sitting on my left, making her on Alex’s right internally questioning myself if she were the lanky man’s wife. Obviously she was not, there was no ring there at all. She had a sexy body that she squeezed into a flaming red dress that reached no further than her thigh. The dress was accessorized with a row of buttons in the front making sure to hold both ends of the dress across her body as the gaps between each button were no less than an inch apart showing all the Victoria secrets that lay beneath it. Her face was nothing interesting, actually it was below average and so was her burnet out bleach blond hair. The most obvious thing though was the fact that Alex had seemed to have misplaced his wedding band, and the color difference between the rest of his finger and where his wedding band was meant to be was pretty obvious.

Once I was done saying hello to the woman on my left and the guy on right I looked directly into Alex’s eyes and asked him “Where is your wedding ring?” the shock on my face made him hesitate for a few seconds as he resorted to giving me his answer in Arabic a language the girl next to me didn’t know anything of.

To be continued…….

Trust in Alex-Part 1

Part 1

I sat on one of the plastic chairs I had purchased a few days ago for the huge terrace of my work place. There were a lot of smokers at work with me and we met up on our breaks to have a cigarette and coffee, the only problem was that there was nowhere to sit and the area started to look dirty and disheveled. SO after two months of having no other means of enjoying my cigarette break I decided to go down to one of the stores and purchase an outdoor plastic seating set. Everyone at work was pleased with this except for the higher management whom were worried that this comfort will cause more people to chill out than be behind their desks working. Regardless of their concerns I continued to enjoy every break I had, and in time as the weather got better I would pick up all the documents I had to read and sign out into the terrace making it my second office space.

                On one of those many days in which I was sitting out in the terrace conversing with a few of my colleagues while enjoying the soft breeze with a coffee mug in one hand and cigarette in the other I met this guy. He introduced himself to the whole group “Hi my name is Alex” he said as he extended his arm to shake everyone’s hands. In no time we were all laughing and joking and our ten minute break turned into a half an hour of nothing but laughter. Alex was a grand addition to the group, he was handsome, tall a full set of jet black hair with the cutest of dimples that appear at the side of his lips when he smiles. At first glance I thought to myself “what a handsome, charismatic man” at the second glance I noticed a wedding band on his left hand and thought to myself “What a shame, all the good men are taken. His wife is very lucky to have such a handsome, funny, grounded man in her life”.

                As the days passed I asked the most natural question that always comes to me without even thinking “So Alex, tell me your love story, how did you and your wife meet”. I heard him speak of the woman he chose to marry and his love for her. How there is no one else in the world that fits him as well as she does. How all his previous relationships were never gonna lead him to commit the way he committed to his wife. She was fun, loving and beautiful and they understood one another so easily that they were bound to end up spending the rest of their lives together. I learnt that she was pregnant at the time and he was over joeys with the new addition to his life. He expressed how he loved spending time with his wife, how she made things a lot more fun when they went out together. They traveled to various countries always with an adventure in mind that they always agreed upon.

                I sat and listened to all this with a large admiration for this young man. Not only was he good at his job, well travelled, funny and great looking, he was also an amazing husband and obviously gonna be a great father. So naturally I put him up on a pedestal in my mind and reflected on his type of relationship hoping that one day I will find a partner that will love me as much as he loves his wife. We became friends immediately, I loved hearing his stories of him and his wife, the romance, the devotion everything was perfect and most importantly I held great respect for him.

                Once his wife gave birth, the stories of his fatherhood became even more profound; he spent his nights awake with his child as his wife suffered a depression. He took care of his newly born son like no father I knew would. His wife was getting the baby blues and was not going out as often, she was not ready to have a child and they got pregnant by accident making it really hard on her to accept being so tied down and exhausted all the time. He supported her emotionally and physically. He loved her so much that he tried to figure out ways to ease her pain by bringing in to town a member of her family to take care of her in his absence while he was at work. I used Alex as a great example to all women who were married to horrible men, making them see how it is possible for a man to really care for the woman he loves.

                Months later Alex wanted me to meet his wife especially that he thought we would get along . Since I was always interested to meet this lovely woman and see the interactions between him and his wife through my eyes I accepted the invitation with open arms. I was excited to meet her and meet his son, so the day arrived for our long awaited lunch outing together. Lucky for me the lunch was gonna be in the promenade right under my house which consisted of a variety of restaurants and coffee shops. As we all got introduced to one another I focused all my attention on his wife Julie who cradled their son in her arms with such tender love. She had a pair of sunglasses on which she never removed making it harder for me to really see into her soul, and so I settled into watching her body movements to figure out if Alex was true in his care for his wife.

                She was interesting to talk to but I felt that there was a huge field of sad energy around her and I related it to the fact that she was still under the depression that came along with giving birth. Alex on the other hand was very hands on, he carried his son, fed him his milk and tenderly caressed his wife to make her feel loved and cherished. I made a mental note of all the things I saw that I liked for later reference to the list of things I desire in my future spouse. It was a lovely afternoon but I had to leave after two hours to meet up with a bunch of other friends that I had also planned to meet for a coffee further down the promenade. We bid farewell after exchanging phone numbers and I left feeling elated and content with what I saw iwth a slight sadness over her obvious depression.

After a few days of our encounter I tried to call Julie but she never picked up the phone, seeing that me and Alex worked in the same office space I went to his desk and asked him if his wife was ok. I related to him that I really liked her and that I wanted to call her up and see if we could meet up separately outside of him. He then confessed that she went to the states with their son to recuperate and get away from the depression she was facing at being a single mom with no help available for her. He confessed that he tried his utmost best and was sad that she had to leave but as long as this would make her happier in the long run he would be able to survive without her for the next few weeks. I felt nothing but sadness for him, he seemed to be disarrayed without them around. I was told Julie really liked me and was looking forward for us to do something together upon her return from the states. So in my world everything was fine, this was a typical love story between soul mates that allowed me to have a stronger belief in my soul mate quest.

To be continued……

Hairdresser Café Premonition

 My hair feels fresh and crisp, I stick my fingers into it and slide them through it. I look at myself in the mirror as I wave my head around to see my hair flow from side to side. I smile at the other person’s reflection in the mirror standing behind me and thank him for a job well done. I move towards the cashier counter with lavish expressions of “thanks” and “I love it” as I reach for my wallet to pay the bill.

I walk out into the lobby of the hotel and towards a tiny coffee shop that is situated at the main entrance of the hotel doors. The café is extremely old with fer-forge chairs, round glass table tops, the floors are a patterned marble and granite and the surrounding curtains of thick yellow and green fabric are similar to the cushion that is placed on the fer forge chairs.

Leama, one of my best friends, finally arrives and she gracefully places herself on the chair opposite mine. We greet one another casually and quickly move into topics we have been waiting all day to discuss face to face. I had recently gotten my divorce and she had just recently given up looking for a potential boyfriend. In the last week my ex-husband had been trying to pursue his desire to bring us back together and I was debating if I should give him another chance or not. I get into the discussion with Leama in hopes that this time I can make the right decision, but the conversation gets me nowhere since Leama wants me to do what makes me happy. It was a hard decision to take especially that I still possessed very strong feelings for him and lived on the hope  that he had truly change and that our divorce had made him the new man he was claiming to be.

The waitress comes to our table to take our order, we both smile at her and take a quick look at the crumpled and jagged menu. She walks away with our orders making sure to first tell us that it will take half an hour for our sandwiches since the kitchen is on another floor. Half an hour later, the food is placed in front of us alerting us to take a break from our chain-smoking marathon. As we begin to take our first bit into our sandwiches, the waitress just stands there looking at us. We both stop with our sandwiches in our hands and our mouths are trying to chew the last remains of it. I look up at her and ask her if she is ok and if there is anything is wants. Then with no prior indication that this woman has anything of value to say, she starts to talk in a friendly tone of voice.

“My husband is a wonderful man, who I love so much and he loves me so much in return” she starts off with what looked like tears in her eyes. “He is ten years older than me, but it makes no difference what age, religion, ethnic background or any other exterior qualifications he has. All that matters is that he treats me with utmost respect, love, loyalty, understanding and kindness”. She goes on telling us with a little quiver in her voice. Me and Leama sit back and refuse to utter a word and just stare at her as she continues to speak. We wonder if her husband is on his death bed, or if something went wrong for her to want to share this with us but we soon find out that her husband is alive and kicking and she had a deep urge to come and just talk to us.

The waitress then just stares at me and starts to say “Everything is part of a bigger plan, nothing is in your hands and especially marriage. People don’t have the patience to wait for their right partner, they are rushed into finding a partner of any kind just to satisfy the system.” Then she moves closer towards our table as she continues to contribute her valued advice specifically towards me. “You will find the perfect man, and you will be very happy with him more than you can imagine, don’t settle for anything less than what you deserve. Be patient and he will appear in front of you when you least expect it and you will know it from the first second that he is the man for you” she smiles as she says that with complete conviction in her voice. “ You must not settle for a man who does not cherish every minute he spends with you. You have to make sure his kindness over whelms you. It is important to know that wherever you are in the world that you can trust him with your life. It is vital to feel extremely safe in his presence and in his absence, to know that whatever you may need he is there to help provide it to you. Most importantly he must treat you with great respect and dignity.”

I am struck by silence and a weird, scared smile on my face. What was this woman telling me? How come she appeared at the perfect time to tell me what to do with my decision of going back to my ex husband or not? Why was her conversation directed completely towards me and not to Leama? I sit there stiffly absorbing all the information I had just received, like God wanting to answer me through a medium and his medium was this waitress.

She then takes a step back, places both her hands together and apologizes for all she said explaining to us how strange it is that she felt she had to talk to us. She started to tell us that she does not talk to strangers, let alone customers but for some reason she felt so comfortable and felt that something was pushing her to talk to us about her very personal life.

As we sit there with our sandwiches lying peacefully on our plates awaiting our next bite, the waitress looks at Leama and tells her that she should not rush into anything with anyone; she should keep waiting for her perfect partner it could be in a few more years. She takes a deep breath in, like she is exhausted and continues to say “A younger man, or an older man makes no difference as long as you feel he wants to always be with you and expresses his feelings to you openly and truthfully”.

We spend the rest of our lunch break eating in silence contemplating all that was told to us and all that was given to us as a miracle. We stepped out of the coffee shop after bidding her farewell and thanking her for her insights. Sadly I didn’t take her advice the way I should have and a month later me and my ex husband were dating again, needless to say he offered me nothing of all the qualities the waitress adamantly told me to hold out for.

Evolution of inner peace

I got to meet this wonderful person a few years ago, in the midst of all my misery with my ex husband, she was the only normal person that entered into my life. She was from the states and had just moved to the emirates, she was a life jacket to my drowning life and being. I met her a week ago as we exchanged information on both our lives and we updated on things that have been long forgotten.

Jessica lived in New York most of her life, she was born in Florida and moved to New York after she graduated and became a prominent Engineer. Her main relationship attractions were mainly Arabic men, their dark looks, their brooding eyes, and their manly mannerism gave her something she felt she lacked in the normal American guy. Jessica dated one Arabic man after the next, hoping beyond hope that one of them would end up being “The One”. It was during her Arabic man attraction phase that she met Mohammed, a young man who had been living in the states for no less than five years. As per her tale, they fell madly in love at first sight and pursued a romantic relationship for four years. As I got to know Jessica better, I got to know her story with Mohammed, her first true love, her first heart break, her first and last abusive relationship.

On  the rare occasions that we would meet for coffee back when i was married she never informed me about her previous encounter of a similar relationship to the one i was in at the time. She never really told me the whole truth, not until I knew through my own observations and constant tears that I was walking out on the life i had chosen to lead. That is when Jessica shared her story with me, her very abusive story with a man; who in two years after their relationship resorted to drugs without her knowledge, and that was when the constant verbal and emotional abuse turned into physical abuse. She left him on several occasions yet always went back to him after his pleading tears and sorrowful promises. Her whole focus in life was on him and for him, Mohammed was her life and all that mattered, her work was not taking a big role in her life, her family was a distant memory to her, her friends lost track of where she was in life. After four years of hurt and pain she went to a therapist to help her move away from him. It took her another seven years to heal from all the abuse she faced and gain herself back, her self-confidence and self-appreciation. She dated a few more Arabic men in the seven years, as they still possessed the qualities and the looks that attracted her to the opposite sex.

After seven years, Jessica  picked up her life, got all her friends back, spent time with her family and focused on her job fully. She turned into a workaholic; she breathed work, ate work, and lived work. She worked so hard that she was promoted to Senior Director in a well renowned engineering firm in New York within three years. She gained herself respect through her job and her accomplishments. Jessica knew that there is no man who can take that away from her. To her, this was who she is and what identified her as a person worth respecting, and it gave her the space to disconnect from committing herself fully to a man. It gave her the ability to stand alone diving only into her own life not into a man’s life.

It was at that point in her life that she met John. John was the complete opposite of all the men she ever dated, he was American, blond, blue-eyed, very Caucasian with simple expectations. She was not attracted to him at the beginning although they hit it off really well as friends. He lived in the emirates and so their relationship was a long distance one. It took her a year to really focus and see what a wonderful man she was with. John wanted Jessica in his life, but his pursue of her was simple not the same aggressive and taunting manner that she had gotten used to from the men she was attracted to. His methods confessed her and it took her some time to adapt to John’s ways. She was glad he didn’t live in the same country giving her space for herself to disconnect from a daily life with a man, yet having him there to listen to her when she needed him around. As she became comfortable with her new arrangement, her company had decided that they wanted to open up a branch in the Emirates. In doing so they requested her to go and set up the office as well as making her a partner in their company.

Her whole adaptation changed, as she was looking at a whole new life ahead of her. She moved to the UAE and started to set up her office branch, working crazy hours as she had gotten used to making her job the one thing that identifies her as an individual. John was there with her, ecstatic to have her in the same country having the ability to see her as often as he lived without having to book a ticket and fly all the way to her. Jessica had no time to fall in love and devote any of her time to John, they lived in separate homes for she did not want to be fully attached to someone, she needed her space to maintain her new-found base of independence.

It was at this point in life that i met Jessica, a very kind loving romantic person who was a workaholic dating a wonderful man. I remember in those days, when i was facing a tremendous agony with my husbands lack of kindness and attentiveness towards me, she would disclose the kindness and attentiveness she was receiving from John. I used to sit there and listen to all the wonderful things that John was doing for Jessica and i remember clearly thinking “Do men really do that?”. There were times where i would beg her to find time for him, that she had a great man who worshipped her, that he deserved her time and attention, i also remember her saying that she loved him very much and was giving him all that she can but her work is her priority.

I could not hear Jessica talk, i could not see where she was coming from. All i ever did, when i thought i was listening to her, was judge her for not appreciating with all her heart what she had. She had everything that i was craving to have at the time, and for the life of me i could not understand what she was trying so hard to make me see. I did judged her on so many levels internally and verbally. John had proposed to her a few months after i met her, to my surprise she had said yes but was very skeptical about it. Naturally my situation was getting a lot worse with my husband at the time and my judgment of her became more severe. I talked to her about the right way to do things, what she should and should not do. I didn’t not hear her, i never heard her. In time they got married and pregnant within the same month. I had gotten my divorce by then and got to know about her abusive relationship. I was ecstatic that she married John after all she had been through and even happier that she was pregnant, hoping that by having a child and settling down she will come to understand the value of giving herself and her time to her husband and child.

After giving birth, Jessica had no time for our coffees anymore, we met up twice after that because she was inundated with work as she was caring for a baby and still trying to adjusting to the new concept of being married. To my surprise her work still came first although her heart was aching to be with her child. Of course i judged her again, believing that she was unable to see the wonderful things in her life that required more of her time.

When i met her a week ago, a year after giving birth, Jessica was completely drained, she was fully immersed at her job, trying to manage her time with work and her child, fitting her lunch breaks and morning hours to spend a few hours with her son. This time around i really heard her, for the first time i paid attention to what she was really trying to tell me. That is when i realized that i fell into the same trap everyone falls into, the trap of judgment, disregarding what i was being told and only hearing myself vandalize to her what i thought was the right way to live your life.

After all what she had been through, all the hard work it took to find herself and walk out on an abusive relationship, Jessica was unable to let go of all her learnings. Her work identifies who she is, her work keeps her sain, her work is what bought her out of the rut she was in, her work was the one thing she could depend on. Jessica is in constant gratitude for her job and her accomplishments, regardless of how tired she is, she is happy. So who was i to judge her all this time, who was i to keep telling her what she was doing was wrong? How did i find the right to advise her on how to manoeuver in what she found the most comfortable way to live her life? She may change her priorities in the future, or she may not. That is not for me to say or to judge it is for her to find her most comfortable way to live her life and keep building the confidence she needs to manage her life the best way she sees fit. All i can say today is, Jessica is happy inside, she is managing her life the way see is able to, and all i care about as her friend, is that she is happy in which ever form she has chosen to be happy in.

Trip on Coach in a Garden

I stared at my computer, contemplating the possibilities of travelling to where all my faithful friends have gone for their summer vacation. My sister had made her phone calls a direct threat to any of my “not going” contemplation thoughts. For long periods of time i just kept going back and forth and looking at the new empty seats on the plan, begging me to book it, asking me to go.

To my surprise, and lack of interest in my job, i booked a 48 hour trip to Egypt, Sahel, Hacienda……YIPPIIIII…..i actually took the decision, got on a plane and was heading out of my life in Dubai to beach, friends and unconditional love.

My sis took out her amazingly comfortable L shaped couch and placed it in the garden. We went no where after that. It was our butts and the couch, people came and went, kids splattered water in the pool, fought and made up, yet still, to no avail, our butts NEVER left that couch.

The sun came up, the sun went down, the mood came out, the stars shone down, and we just sat, and sat and sat. The couches would empty out and fill up again, people coming and going yet me and my sister were constant residence of the COUCH.

We ventured into the lives of each passer-by, we got some to stick on the couch with us. We spoke about marriage, kids, religion, life, NLP, divorces, depressions, life as it is and is not, books and movies. We listened to our Ipods that blessed us with supporting music to all our different and diverse conversations.

One specific book was rotating amongst all Couch residents, i found it in the airport and could not believe what the content was about. I picked it up and bought it. we spent the first day staring at the pictures and pondering the facts of how a person can ever revert from one life and succumb to another willingly.

The book is called Married to a Bedouin

The songs we listened to were:
Te Amo (2-Trak)

Parachute

On the Radio
For Your Entertainment

Love Supply

Dead And Gone (Featuring Justin Timberlake)[12 inch vinyl single]

She Said being my ultimate obsession for 4 weeks now 🙂

I came back revived and yet sadder then ever before, all is well there and all is not well here, contemplation of life, what is there to offer if the ones you love exist somewhere else? The purpose of such a thing is hard to handle, and that is when the mind and the heart must start a battle. The Intuitive Mind becomes more confused. The heart/mind objective is scattered with questions and uncertainty.

I walked out into the dark night, with the ones i love, waving at the front door while reassuring me of their undying love. Tears welled up in my eyes, and disaster filled my heart. There was no choice, work had to get done, my life outside of that world had to be pursued. Sadly i turned my face, took a deep breath walking into the car that would take me back to Dubai, back to my work, back to my cats and blog.

Had to add the above paintings/pictures showing the Couch in which people would come and go from, some of the residence on the couch in the picture actually became part of the couch. Picture on the right is the view that we had.