Farm or City?

Our life experiences are based on our way of life. What we say and do come back to us in one way or another. If we believe in ourselves then everything we do is right, there is no fear, there is no worry, there is only self confidence in the choices we make. To hear your own voice is all that matters for no one else lives your life or has your wisdom.

Living on a farm or living in a city have a great distinction between them and show a slight resemblance of a congested mind and an intuitive mind. In a city there is noise pollution that scatters your thoughts and allows for nothing other than everyone else’s voice to overpower your own caring voice. In a city you are rushing from one place to the next getting your job done, errands run, obligations met and in all this people are chattering away giving advice where it is not needed, assuming they know best, and therefore diluting your own trust within yourself. Time becomes something you try to find yet discover that it’s meaning has been lost to you. What is expected of you has stopped you from doing what is expected from yourself to you. You glimpse a sight of what you want your life to look like and you feel that you can breath again. Yet a second later  a whirlwind of clatter over powers that desire and it is lost amongst the bustle and noise emanating from those around you who ridicule your thoughts and the sight of your own breath of fresh air.

In the Farm you are free to hear yourself contemplate and understand what is good or bad for you. There are only animals around that say nothing more than offer their love to you for the simple act of feeding them and caring for them. In return you are left to listen to your mind as it ventures into a world of its own where the decisions are based on your own internal voice that you have come to believe in and trust. You move with your instincts towards your fields of green in knowledge of when to water them and when to walk away. You hear the sound of your breathing and the whispers of the butterflies as they pass you by. In an ability to sit and think you realize what your dreams are and grow strong in your beliefs, for there is no one there who can contaminate those desires and the conviction of your thoughts.

I long to be a farm, where I am left to my own accord and rid myself of the fear of change or the fears that have been bestowed upon me by those who love me the most.


Ecstasy at its Best

The fear over took me as I lifted one leg up placing it carefully on a tiny little pedal as the other leg flew over the narrow seat and rested on the opposing  pedal. My hands grasped Mark’s shoulders as I slowly sat down on the narrow leather seat. I felt like chocking up, I was unable to breath, the large helmet closed around my face, cradling my chin and covering my ears and cheeks only allowing a narrow opening for my eyes to see and nose to breath. I asked Mark repeatedly “Are you sure this is safe? The last time I did this I was nine years old.” And Mark kept reassuring me “Trust me it is very safe, you will feel the freedom you have always longed for”

As Mark started to move very slowly with his motorcycle I relaxed for a few seconds giving full and utter trust in Mark’s abilities and the fact that he has been riding since a very young age. Just as I was starting to talk myself into the reliability of what I was on, I found my legs thrown off of the pedals and crashing against the cement floor as the motorcycle fought to hold itself up. I got off the bike in a heart beat as Mark tried to lift it off its tilted angel with all the strength he had in his legs. Once the bike was up again, standing the way a bike should stand I hesitated for a few seconds before hoping back on it. I didn’t want to make Mark feel that he was not competent at what he loved to do the most and yet the fear of my life being under someone else’s hands was overwhelming. Needless to say, the need and desire to make Mark feel that I still trusted him over took my fear and I was back on the bike, pretending like nothing happened. As we started to drive off again, this time moving a lot faster I felt my heart was gonna throw itself outside of my chest and give up on me.

“Why do I always do that to myself?”  I wondered “Why is it always someone else’s feelings that I worry about a lot more than mine?” I was afraid, so afraid all I was able to do was come to terms that this was how I was gonna die. I kept repeating prayers in my mind and heart as my arms wrapped themselves around Mark’s waist. I kept asking God to forgive all my sins and forgive any bad I had done in my life, and as I kept praying and visualizing my death we came to a halt and I was surrounded by other bikers all parked in front of a bike store chatting away and purchasing things for their bikes. Once we were off the bikes, Mark took off and went inside the store to check out helmets as I stood outside observing all the people around me, watching their facial expressions and seeing them wave a polite hello to me. Mark appeared again and asked me to go in the store with him and check it out, I obediently did that, out of worry of being left alone with the death machine.

Against all my wishful prayers, we got on the bike again and this time I was sure we were gonna die. Mark was a pro at driving a Harley and I should have felt safe internally, the anguish was beyond my understanding, the images in my head were overwhelming me as the wind crashed itself against my face and body. We stopped again at a gas station before our long trip to the sea, he asked me again at the gas station if I was ok and up for the ride and humbly I said “Yes I am ready for it” unknowingly to him that I had come to terms that God had planned my death on that very day, on that motorcycle, on a long desert road towards the sea that I was sure I would never see.

The Harley was filled up with gas, our helmets were back on our heads, my hands were balanced on marks shoulders and we were off onto the highway that is known to have killed hundreds of thousands of people. I prayed again and again, and asked for forgiveness from God in every possible form and envisioned how mad my mom would be on the day of my funeral that I actually got on a motorcycle and never told her. As all these fears and images came flashing by me something started happening to me a very unexpected turn of events. My prayers became more positive; I started asking God to bless me with a wonderful life filled with the wonderful freedom I was feeling internally at this very moment. My arms loosened from around mark’s waist and they now leaned casually on his shoulders. My head tilted up towards the sky watching the clouds form all sorts of shapes and animals. I forgot all my fears and I felt like I was one with nature and life. I lost track of life and all my worries and my mind seemed to venture in all the right directions with all the right thoughts and right expectations. Reality would come crashing at me the minute Mark would caress my leg to make sure I was doing fine and I would remember that I was on a motorcycle and not up there in the clouds having an out of body experience. Even when I would come back to reality and notice where I really was, there was nothing but utmost joy in my heart, the fear had dissipated itself into a world that refused to accept its presence anymore.

After half an hour of the most amazing ride of my life, Mark asked me if I wanted a cigarette break and I screamed out loudly “YES” with a giddy smile and a laughter I had no more control over. We stopped, I took of my helmet and started to jump up and down with loving joy. I thanked Mark for making me take this trip with him, I thanked him with all my heart at the amazing experience he just provided me with. My heart was filled with gratitude and love for this man, he took me out of my worries and gave me freedom unlike any other known to man. Once we were done we hoped back onto the bike and I was ecstatic to get back on it again, I could not wait to have the wind blow up against my body or the rush of excitement that came with speed, or the basic feeling of my soul freed outside of my body.

We continued our ride some more and in another half hour found a bike stop over where all the other motorcycles stopped to talk and take a break. As we sat down on a table sipping on our coffees we watched all the other bikers getting ready to leave, and the rush I felt inside as I watched them drive away made me crave to get on the bike again.

A small discussion went on between me and Mike and we both came to terms that it would take us another hour to get to the sea and then another hour to enjoy the beauty of nature and an hour and half to drive back. This was all going to be hard to do before sunset and therefore decided to head back into town and do this trip another day. My heart ached a bit when we decided upon that, I wanted to see the sea so badly, just to complete this wonderful feeling I had inside. I need that final closure to that wonderful ride, and the one way of feeling that and doing it was to actually be by the sea and meditate to the sound of the waves.

As we drove back, I forgot the urge to see the water and the waves and felt elated again to be on the motorcycle. The wind was getting stronger and my body felt that it would fly off the bike at any moment, but I didn’t care the least bit, I was on this bike and my soul was over joyed, I had no fears I only had an abundance of love in my heart and wanted to cherish every second of it.

What I learnt was that fear is conquerable because it is something that does not exists outside of ones mind. Those random images that kept my stomach turned over and my heart racing were only images conjured by my own mind. Once I faced my fear, came terms with it and accepted it as only a fear, I actually broke free of it. It did not exist anymore, it could not exist anymore because all those images fled away and they didn’t stop me from going ahead and doing what the “fear” tried its best to stop me from doing.

Fear froze me yet the conquering of it set me free to find a new hobby that allows my soul to drift off into wonderful realms of my true reality. Bless you Mark for the persistence on getting me on that Bike and thanks for showing me the beauty that exists outside my own mind.

For the Poem Click on ” I must admit 

A new meaning to life

It has been a long internal and external journey in the last few weeks. Things happened in my world that have caused a great shit of my paradigm. First and foremost my country has set a profound new way of having a revolution allowing the world to see, yet again, how amazing the Egyptians truly are. In the midst of all the pain they had been suffering for years they found courage to fight the system. They found their voice within the rubble. They awakened their senses to demand respect. The pride I hold in my heart for the first chapter of such a great revolution is beyond words and for the first time in a very long time I thirst to go back home. I desire to be a part of a new beginning, to engulf myself within an awakened nation and help in re-building it’s new foundation.

In less than a month a new heartbeat was acquired for the people of Egypt. With such dignified resolve they all held hands and marched to the sounds of their long lost freedom. A distant echo that arouse with every step they took towards Tahreer square, towards their freedom, towards a brighter future gave them the courage to take back what was fairly theirs all along.

As I sat everyday watching the magnitude of what was taking place the urge to be a part of that kept growing stronger and stronger within my heart and soul. I was in touch with everyone I knew there and what I didn’t get through watching the news I happily got from my friends who were part of the revolution. Throughout all this I kept dreaming of a new Egypt as self induced images kept manifesting themselves within my mind, images would pop out at me of clean streets, controlled traffic and self  fulfilled people. A constant flow of Bubbles kept floating out of my mind producing numerous ideas of all the different ways I could help Egypt become what it was meant to be more than 60 years ago engulfed my every thought.

Today I am sure that there is no other place I would rather be than in Egypt, my confusion seems to have found peace within the confines of freedom and the new change. The boredom I have been suffering from has blossomed into a new meaning to live, and my purpose in life has been finally found. Maybe I will hate it once I am there, and maybe I wont, but regardless of what will happen I am able to sternly say, there is nothing worth living for if not to make this world a better place for all of humanity.

The beauty of my Planet X

I was reading through all my previous articles and i realized i loved this one so much, that i had to re-post it again 🙂

Within the last three years my life took a detour unlike any I had ever encountered in the 32 years I had existed on this earth.

I had lived a life filled with love, hope and dreams of pink ponies and a prince on a white horse. I believed in all the beauties of the great possibilities of what the future may hold for me. My existence was based on love; love of others, love of life and most importantly the belief in everlasting love with my soul mate. I believed in every cell of my body that my soul mate was just a step away from me, I dreamt of it and at times I felt it. I dreamt of my happily ever after as I basked in the comforts of security and financial bliss provided to me on a silver platter by my parents.

Life was a pink bubble of dreams waiting to happen. I lived in my heart, I lived in my soul and I lived most of my time in my thoughts; a place my family used to call “Planet X”. I spent 80% of my time on planet X and I utterly relished every moment of it. On my private planet I had a beautiful home that was white in color in the rare areas in which something other than glass windows showed. It possessed a beautiful large dark wooden terrace that wrapped itself around three quarters of my glass home. My home over looked the most luscious green fields on one side and faced the wide ocean expanse on the other side.   A cobbled street lead up to my front door as it settled itself amongst an array of fruit trees providing a colorful design to the surrounding fields of green. Butterflies flew haphazardly on top of an abundance of wild flowers that continuously swayed with the soft chilled breeze that blew across the sea. There were Small colored shops filled with the smiles of potential buyers and the hopeful sellers. There were a small variety of restaurants that were embedded underneath the gushing flow of a tempress waterfall.  I had horses and ponies that knew me by my fragrance and raced towards me when I would enter their fields of freedom to welcome me into their world. I had peace, love, happiness and honesty amongst everyone that lived on planet X. Most importantly my Planet X gave me the ability to see my real world with peace, love, happiness and honesty.

For the last three years I have been trying to find Planet X, I try to sit on my own to conjure it back into my life; sadly I have realized that Planet X has left me, it spat me out of its heavenly comforts. It left me to fend for myself; with no more fruitless hope on the great possibilities of a dream like future to go back to.

I miss planet X, I miss my outlook on life and I miss having trust and belief in the good of others. Within the last three years I had married a man I believed to be my soul mate, no later than eight months I was demolished and divorced the cruelest man I had ever encountered in my whole life.  That was the first sign of the hazy disappearance of my Planet X, as it still remained a part of my life, but a lot less vivid, I believed that things will only get better after the biggest crush of my life. Sadly, I made another wrong choice as I was still trying to believe in the good in humanity. I chose to share an apartment with a woman who showed nothing but kindness and love for me, to discover a year and a half later that she was disclosing my pain to others and destroying my reputation using tactfully planned lies for no reason other than preserving her need to make her surrounding environment believe the lie of the person she really was. Once I had gotten back on my feet again trying to bring into my life my Planet X in hopes of reviving my bright hopes of the future again. To my dismay it took a few months to find my Planet X, and this time around I noticed how its previously vibrant colors were diminishing behind a grey colored smog. It was hard to acquire hope or muster up any positive outlook on humanity. During that period in my life, my only sanctuary was my work, I had a passion for it unlike anything else, and any possibility of ever leaving it was deleted by my abundance of loyalty I had for it. After pouring my heart and soul into my work and proving myself completely competent of all the tasks that were under my scope and out of my scope of work I was pleased to know that my company decided to hire a new member into our wonderful team. A few months down the line, the new member’s attitude started to slowly creep its way into my professional life, I was unable to comprehend what he was trying to do. He smiled with earnest in front of me as he praised my continuous ability to make things happen at work. To my dismay, as time elapsed, I found that most of the jobs that I was handling were nowhere to be seen, he was discarding of me, and hating my tremendous closeness to all the people I worked with and for. He took work away from me telling me it was taken care of while making others believe I was not competent enough to do the work. He never once confronted me with anything, his mode of communication with me consisted of nothing more than jokes, gossips and continuous praise. The work environment became competitive and it lost all the beauty of group work. I had to watch my back with my every move as I monitored his every move, suspecting all his underlying truths knowing they were all lies. I fought like a lioness protecting her cubs, not succumbing to a bully trying to demolish all the hard work I had slaved for in two years. He was tranquilized for a few months until his strength was built again, taunting me with the same methods in a much sneakier way this time around.

As I continued fighting my work battle I lost total faith in humanity and planet X had completely disappeared. I could not even access it anymore for I was unable to sit with myself for more than five minutes. A month after my first confrontation at work took place my parents got divorced and I lose sight of everything I ever held close to my heart. My sanctuary, my security and my home were gone. All what I believed to be real was erased from my being and there was nothing to hold onto anymore.  From a life of complete love, acceptance, support, humanity, respect, values, loves from great men, friends that were devoted to my friendship and an artistic business that I owned; came the forceful gush of the harsh doors of emotional and mental hell. Of course planet X disappeared from my existence as I had come to understand that I don’t believe in it anymore. My three year experiences showed me a side to humanity that I had never known existed before. Those devastating three years poured its black gunk all over my beautiful pink bubble, over powering all the beauty that lived within it.

Today as I am still battling the dark disappointments within me, I have missed Planet X with all the innocence it had provided me with. I want to go back to Planet X, I am working hard to seduce it back into my life, I am exhausted of disappointment, I am tired of sadness and I am open to all the upcoming experiences that I must face. I have come to terms with a few of my disappointments, knowing that today I am fully aware of what I DO NOT want in my life giving me more clarity to the things I truly cherish and want in my life.

I am able today to see my planet X, i actually can touch it every once in a while and it is a welcoming feeling that i have longed for. My planet X has found it’s way through all the mess and has started to cleanse my soul bit by bit and with every breath i take it filters me with hope and love and removes all the dirt and dust.

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The release of MJ and Tracy

The path of forgiveness is hard to come across once a person has been severely wronged by another. The heart finds an inability to move forward congesting it’s arteries with hate and anger that make it hard to ever move on. The pain of the injustice is harbored by images that seem to find their way into the mind reminding the heart of the pain it had gone through.

I am a certified Reiki healer, and I have been for more than eight years now. In constantly trying to find ways to help those around me with gifts I never knew I had I acquired a few certificates in different aspects of life one of them being Reiki. I spent random days and nights helping those around me overcome a pain using the energy that flowed easily out of my hands and feeling euphoric after seeing the changes manifest themselves into their lives. Upon my break down that took place during my destructive marriage and my manipulative roommate I lost myself and the ability to help anyone especially myself. In the years the followed I slowly started to recover from the shock, I stopped the self blame once I came to terms that it was not my fault and there was nothing more I could have done to make things better. MJ (my ex husband) and Tracy (my ex roommate) were who they were regardless of who I was, it was in their nature to be the people they were and there was nothing that would have ever changed that.

As I started to pick up the pieces of my old self back and improving on them I realized I also carried around such anger and hate towards them making my recovery much harder and longer than expected. I wanted to be done with the anger, I wanted to forget and forgive, but it was impossible to do. How can you forgive two people who pushed you to the brink of suicide only for their own pleasure? How is it possible to let go of the humiliation that i suffered through the cruelty that spewed out of the man I chose to marry? Or the cruelty that destroyed the little, if any, self love I tried to hold on to for dear life as a roommate did her best to demolish even further?  As I kept trying to work on myself i realized I was unable to really move ahead and follow my dreams because the images kept recreating themselves in my mind blocking up my heart from even contemplating forgiveness.

I started myself improvement ventures through taking courses in NLP, I figured if I can go back to my ultimate goal; which was the desire to help others; I would be on the right track, back in shape, following my one true mission in life. Life did start to blossom, my self confidence came screaming back with ecstasy. I felt free, able to see who I was and the improvements I had achieved were grand. I put to sleep the anger, hate, sadness and depression over the death of my old self and relished in fabricating my new and improved self, little did I know that I still harbored such abhorrence towards MJ and Tracy.

It came to me as I lay down on my back in the dim light of a large studio with my eyes closed listening to the voice of my reiki instructor. After wanting to continue my mission I needed to re-adjust my reiki knowledge I wanted to be able to provide light and energy to those in need and I was still not sure if I can go back to being that person again, so I decided to re-take the reiki course and get initiated again to be a healer.  As I was lying there with the soft distant music playing its strings harmoniously the Reiki instructor gently talked us through a meditation to allow our hearts to be filled with nothing but love. She slowly directed us to release all anger from the heart, to forgive those who had done us wrong, to forget all the pain, to remove them from our hearts and allow space for new things to happen, better things and most importantly for new people who would be happy to receive our love.

Remove them from your heart chakra, remove them from your head chakra, remove the anguish from your stomach chakra, release all the pain, make space for a better life.

I did that, and in that I found a new resolved peace within myself, the heat in my hands resurfaced and the power to heal re-entered my soul. I had allowed my hate to go, I released them of my anger, I forgave them for all they had done but not before I prayed that God will give them no mercy when they needed it most as they showed me no mercy when I needed it most and pain as severe as they gave me and to do with them as He sees fit. And with that one last wish, that one last breath, that one last memory I released MJ and Tracy into God’s hands and gave space in my heart to accept a new beginning, a new life and a new cleaned space for my true path to take its residence in me.

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Boundaries of self worth

What is the purpose of our self worth if it is not to figure out where our worth is? How are we to be valued by others if we have no value for ourselves? Sadly enough the only way that we will ever learn what our worth is will always be through an experience that allows us to see it. Mine came in different packages for different aspects of my life and how I value and see myself today is completely different than how I saw myself before my experiences.

After MJ (blog story: Happily Ever After) my ex husband it took me some time to learn myself worth, I didn’t know what my boundaries were, I knew what they were for others but I was never put in a situation where I had to start my own boundary list. Not to say that I didn’t have boundaries before hand, but I have to admit they were frivolous in comparison to the ones I hold dear to my heart today. What happened through that very painful experience was that i come to the realization that I didn’t really have the “what is allowed” and “what is not allowed” lines high enough on my list. I had the basic list which contained the following:

-Respect of my time and of me

-Not to ogle women when sitting with me

-Not to use swear words in my presence

-To enjoy the things I enjoyed

-To be loved unconditionally by my man

-To have an abundance of romance

-To start from zero financially with a man be his supporting woman

-To travel the world with my man

-To have a loving relationship and family with my man

-Great communication between me and my man

Now that I look at what I just wrote, and how frivolous that list was I am not surprised that I allowed certain things to pass me by. I allowed unacceptable things to happen to me which I never thought were possible to happen to me, I mean, they happened to other people and I was the voice of reason for all those other people, but not the voice of reason for myself. In my head and in my heart I was on a different platform from everyone else and I was pleased that my list was so simple unlike the other women that were looking for money or power or even just sex in a future spouse. In my mind all I wanted was simple things, and therefore I allowed for so much to take place cause my boundary line was so low. Today my list constitutes of way more than just ten things. My list is full to the brim and there is nothing that I can accept below that line.

For example “Great communication between me and my man” has been modified to look more like this:

“To be able to talk about everything on my mind and his mind to one another with no fear of the other person feeling misunderstood. To discuss the good and the bad with an open mind and heart that each person wants to make this relationship work. To communicate our sexual preferences openly and freely with one another, with my preferences also taken into consideration not only his. For us to be able to pick up the phone at any random time to talk about something with no pre-calculation of the correct number of calls to be made. To enjoy one another’s company cause the conversations are fruitful. For him to be my best friend when I need to talk to someone he is the first one I turn to knowing I am trust in him really listening to me and providing me with what I need. Our conversation is based on respect of one another’s thoughts and ideologies. We are both concerned with one another’s personal growth and therefore that is enough proof of our love for one another.” This can go on and on, only in the communication department. I never put the line thick enough or high enough, I basically just thought that everyone communicates well together but great communication to me also included great fights. If we knew how to fight well scream and kick we were communicating…isn’t that what relationships came with? So when it would get into screaming fits or rude words I never walked off, I just stayed assuming that was part of the Great communication package. Sadly it is not, cause once the voice gets too loud, or the words get ugly when ur trying to voice an emotional pain to your partner and he is not listening or understanding your pain,that is the time to walk away from the relationship. That is when it is clear that there is a huge hole in the communication department and nothing will be able to change that no matter how many years you try to make your partner understand your pain. That very first argument, that very first voice of anger that comes creeping in at the very beginning of the relationship is a peak preview into your future with that person. Pay attention to how it is being handled, listen and watch and if you have a great boundary line already set up for yourself-respect and self-value, you will know that it is time to stand up, and walk away.

This goes for every department in a persons life, there are those who are willing to take other peoples ugly nature and there are those who refuse to have others treat them badly, be the person that refuses to be treated badly cause you love yourself too much and anyone in your life should love you the way you love yourself and nothing less than that.

Use the ugly relationships to your advantage, grow that list, help yourself be the person you want to be, give others the opportunity to treat you the way you deserve to be treated…..with nothing less than respect.

Butterflies in Time – Chapter 6

At some point David’s family was getting exhausted from the demands of Emma’s constant complaints about her life with the twins, regardless of how everyone tried to help and be available it was still never enough. Luckily her aunt came in to town to help her since David’s family felt like there was nothing more that a woman would need more than her own family to take care of her in such a tough state. Her mother was unable to help in anyway not knowing what to do with kids, therefore she could only help with offering food to her daughter with no motherly support. As for her father and her step mother, they tried to be there for Emma but their help suffocated her since they too had no clue on how to take care of babies, let alone take care of Emma.

When her aunt came to visit, Emma was a bit more at peace, she was able to complain about her distress with her life on a compassionate shoulder, her aunt had the unconditional love that Emma was raving to get from her own mother. On the other hand David was sucked into his the do’s and don’ts of his religion, allowing no space for his wife to breath in. Everything that he did or thought of was directed to him through his own religious master that lived in the States. He was in constant contact with him asking for his opinion on everything and doing nothing without his approval. If his family would have the tv on and Emma would be sitting there, David would walk in calmly and retort a quote he heard from his religious master to her, then ask her to leave the room and not sit with his family if they still intended to watch tv. When Sandra would blast her music and dance around the house with Rosie next to her David would gently take hold of Emma as he would take her back to their house so they can incorporate some more religious values within her.

Sandra still believed they were soul mates, but she started to believe that they were bad for one another, bringing out the negatives instead of the positives.

As strange as it may have seemed, Emma was always choosing to tell Sandra the truths or lies knowing very well that Sandra was not the type that could handle lies, let alone a lie to her own brother. On many occasions Sandra had sat with Sandra and light up a cigarette with her, puffing away for dear life, running into the bathroom right after to be able to wash any reminisce of the smoke on her in fear of David finding out.

David hated cigarettes from the day he was born, it has always been the one major request he had for any girl that was going to be with him. It was his condition to make sure that he marries a woman that was not a smoker. Out of love for David, Emma never told him that she smokes hoping with all her might that she would not ever desire to smoke again, wishing that she had broken the habit. A year of this type of deceit was enough for Sandra to lose her senses, to her it was an unfair lie to her brother and that this issue should be confronted so that it is dealt with out in the open. Other strange things started to take place, Emma would be perfectly fine with the family until David would walk in then a whole act of illnesses and pain would start to unfold. Her attitude would change and the next act of self pity would start to immerge. The family was starting to dislike Emma’s company, there was a huge lack of trust that was starting to take place in everyone’s heart. David’s mother was the only one trying hard to maintain a love for Emma although it was hard to do as she also started to boss David around to do things for her as the act of illness started to take effect.

One day a large fight emerged between David and Emma caused by Sandra’s inability to keep all the secrets she knew about Emma inside, wanting her brother to discuss everything out in the open, needing Emma to change her ways in hiding the truth and being open and clear about who she was. Emma was in a rut, her mind was not able to adjust with the idea that she could actually say the truth and for it to be accepted by others. She was taught early on that her parents never trusted her, therefore lies were her only way of getting the attention she so desperately seeked. David’s mother was the only one who saw what Emma was going through internally.  The day came when Sandra could not more keep her silence as she went over to her brother’s house and told him about all the deceit he was in, and the blindness he was accepting upon himself. There was a choice to be made and the choice was either to have an open relationship with his wife and confront her with all that was happening behind the scenes or to just not come that often to the family home allowing his family to be evidence to what was really taking place.

The largest fight took place, and the deepest conversations started to work between the couple. The decision was also taken to leave the country and move to another country, away from the family to allow them to grow and establish themselves better as an entity. David had applied for a job in Canada and was going to take his family and go there hoping for a better future and a better life. Emma was open to the new change but was worried about her inability of taking care of her 6 month old twins on her own. David was not gonna be able to hire a full time nanny as he was just starting to build himself and Emma was not able to survive without help.

After their fights that brewed because of Sandra’s long talk with her brother, David became aware of his environment and Emma’s choice of friends. One of the many things that David came to understand was that Emma had invited a friend over once to her house in the absence of David, allowing her friend to smoke marijuana in the house as the babies were sleeping in another room. This surely made David come to realize the bad influence of friends on his wife, keep her more locked up and under surveillance. His Religious Master was filling his mind with different ways to tame his wife, allowing no space for either of them to find the road of balance and harmony amongst themselves. David was given verses after verses to read all day long, mantra’s for him and his wife to say at certain hours of the day that would eat up no less than four hours. There were also prayers to be made outside of the required five prayers. There were books to be read and lessons to go to. In reality there was no time for anything else to happen; their lives were rotated around David’s religious Masters Requirements to make them a better people for the afterlife.

David’s family tried their utmost best to talk sense into him, but to no avail. Emma was in a whirlwind of her own, with her childhood trauma’s, twins in her care and a life that only included the worship of God through an enormous list of things to do, Emma was no more the girl that anyone knew.

David was taught to believe that the reason all this bad was happening to him was because his faith was not strong enough, therefore an abundance of religious requirements kept growing and growing as nothing worked.

To be continued……chapter 7