When does it become unacceptable?

Anger boils over inside of me as Jack asked “Well did he hit you?”

“No” Emily says, surprised that he would even ask that question. Was all what she was saying not enough to walk out on her current relationship? My face was starting to hurt from the frown that had over taken my face for the past half hour, listening to Emily re-tell her story with her husband to Jack as tears rolled down her face. I couldn’t understand why Jack was even asking if her husband was hitting her? What relevance did that have to do with the pain Emily has been suffering for years with this man?

I asked him point blank “What relevance does this have? Is it not enough that He is constantly swearing at her, slamming doors all over the house, being completely impolite to any member of her family or any of her friends that enter her house, he doesn’t give her money to be able to support the house hold requirements and her baby girls requirements yet spends a ton on his friends and his entertainment, he is out partying every single night without her, he doesn’t allow her to go to bars or clubs at night without him even though he does constantly, he has caused his little girl to wake up screaming at night fearing that her father would kill her mother, he sits and does nothing in the house except talk on the phone to his buddies laughing or flipping through tv channels as she keeps running around the house fixing things, he uses his kids for his social outings to be accepted in society, he doesn’t allow her to work so she doesn’t attract the attention of the opposite sex” I take a deep breath in, calm myself down and asked calmly “So answer this Jack, what does it matter, to you, if he hits her or not?” Jack looked at me surprised as though I was asking him a question about giving birth and how he felt during it. I repeated my question to him more aggressively and he finally responded saying “Well since he does not hit her, then they can work things out. hitting her would be unacceptable in every way possible.”

Shocked out of my wits I didn’t know how to answer him back, all that rummaged through my mind was the fact that if a woman ever dared do all that to her husband she would be banished by everyone including her family, they would tell her that it is up to her to make this marriage work. Any man who went to complain about the same things would have given the green light for every human being (male or female) to reprimand the woman until she breaks down in humiliation for her actions. Yet when a woman complains about being mistreated on a daily basis the world tends to stand by his side and ask the woman to accept it as long as she is not being physically abused. She is supposed to take in his infidelity, his rudeness, his verbal condemning ways, his absence physically and financially and only be able to make a valid stand if he went out of his way and hit her.

Strange how this type of injustice is not accepted upon animals and yet upon women it is considered bad, yet not unjust. A woman is put in a position today to accept all that is done to her by a man because he has not physically abused her YET. A woman is expected to be the brains in the family, the glue that holds everything together regardless of what her mental state has become because of all the degrading ways she has been treated.  A woman has to turn a blind eye to her husband having affairs hoping that he will one day come to his senses, but when that day never comes she has to confront him and in return the society gives the excuse of him being a “Man” and men need more than one woman. She is then asked yet again to accept it and be a better wife to her husband cause she was probably the reason he went to another woman for sex. If a woman cheats on her husband she is thrown to the gutters, her kids are taken away from her, her marriage is over, her is shunned out from society with not a single word mentioned that it could have possibly been the husbands fault.

What really gets to me is this, after my talk with Emily and Jack, I found Emily agreeing with Jack, seeing his point of view, assessing the situation and wronging herself the whole time. She provoked his anger, she allowed him to neglect her and stop spending money on her and the family, it was her fault she was too busy taking care of the house and her child and her new pregnancy, of course he would go mad and naturally she thanked God that he never hit her “He is a good man that he never hit me. I would have left for sure.”

And in that ended the whole pain she had been suffering for years with her husband. I later on found out that all her girlfriends gave her a similar advice and sad as it was, women accept this upon themselves. Women will tell women to stick around in a horrible relationship, with a cheating man, with a stingy guy, with a man who has temper management issues and tell the woman it is all in her hands to make this work.

When have we ever become the weaker sex? We are able to give birth, take care of a house, go to work, socialize with the world and sleep for a maximum of six hours a night and still have the ability to do everything and more than any man could even dream of. What happened to reprimanding a man for his misconduct and behavior, who said it was ok? Who said that we were born, as women, to live this way? How come every man gets away with murder and women can’t get away with an extra hour of sleep if needed?

Women know how to build fear in other women, making them accept the unacceptable. Telling them horror stories of what life would look like if she did leave her husband “You will not be able to support yourself, you have not worked for years.” Or “What about the kids? They need a father figure” or “Live with it till your kids are old enough then leave”or “ Who will every marry a woman with children? It is too much baggage. So it is best to stay with the man who helped in procreating them.”

What women don’t understand is this “If women stood up and supported one another and did not accept to be treated in such a disturbing disregard to their humanity then men will have no choice but to stop.” As long as the world accommodates such actions and only the visual physical abuse is the allowed reason to leave a man, women will always be where they are today, and they will keep procreating more men that abuse their women, cause women don’t know how to stand up for their human rights.

If every woman keeps accepting this as a way of life, and if women will always advise women to be the abused member of the family then things will never change and women will always be spat on. Her kids will also treat her with disrespect the way their father had, and they will repeat the same pattern onto their wives in the future and every woman will again tell that woman in pain “It is ok, it is all in your hands, you’re the smarter one. Men are like children let him do his thing, and you stay the good wife, he will come around. As long as he didn’t hit you then you can fix it.”

Emilie’s story is one of the many stories I have came across in all these years of watching and listening to couples. With such sadness I have to say that I might have met one in every 30 marriages where there is a balanced relationship between man and woman. What women don’t understand is this: they are telling their daughters that it is ok to be treated this way and they are telling their sons it is ok to treat a woman this way. They think they are making life better for their children when in reality they are allowing the same patterns to continue to evolve and have no regard to how their daughters will be treated in the future or how their sons will treat women.

Insightful Remedies

There are times we feel really good and there are times we feel really bad. We are human and that is the human condition. There are those who watch for the patterns and those who neglect the patterns. How do we detect those patterns and where do we start……

1- I truly believe that your body manifests sickness to get you to pay attention.

2- Your always thinking of what it is you need to do to, as opposed to just following your heart even if it doesn’t make sense…

3- Be brutally honest with yourself.

4- Stop conforming to what you think you need to do.

5- Listen to your body…it’s giving you an opportunity to change, to get back to your heart.

6- Life has a way of repeating the same or similar situation until we learn.  You don’t have to DO anything.  Just observe, be aware and listen, because i really believe if you’re feeling unhappy inside there’s something you’re not being honest with yourself about.

7- You might be suppressing something; like when I suppressed knowing that my ex-husband wasn’t a healthy relationship/that we weren’t meant to be) notice patterns in your life and how you’ve handled them, notice how your body has been reacting to them and see how that can help you in future decisions.

 

Simplicity of Honesty

Bungalo that i stayed in Maldives

Chocked up……the tears were logged up in my throat making it hard for me to utter a word and so instead I kept waving goodbye to all the islands residence with a forced smile upon my face.

The hardest part about leaving the island was that the people were incredibly nice, unlike anything I had ever met before. Although my trip was only for four days, I have to admit that it took me three days to truly believe these people no ulterior motive other than just simply being nice and wanting to help for nothing in return. Sadly by the time I started to get used to it and I allowed for my defenses to go down I was heading out of the island and back to my regular life. The upside to this was that I didn’t enjoy the freedom of trust for too long therefore not making it hard for me to safe guard myself again with all the necessary weapons to shield me from the hypocrisy and lies that I seem to always be surrounded by.

As I worked on building up my mistrust of others during my plane ride back I noticed a sadness that came along with it. What had happened to the world, where have people left their honesty? As I sat indulged in that thought I realized that all my mistrust was sprouting out of the place I was living in. The dishonesty was in every corner and the people always had an ulterior motive when wanting to interact with me or others. Being one to always fight against dishonesty I tried to maintain my truth with no regard to anyone’s perception of who I am. This method has burnt me out and driven me mad yet I still persist on keeping it as a large part of who I am hoping that one day others will see that truth does not hurt as much as the lies do.

One of the biggest liars I have encountered recently is my boss, an ignorant man who does nothing all day except talk about everyone behind their back in despicable mannerism. I have learnt to shut the door of my office to keep him at bay, yet there are times where he has no decency to stay out, therefore forcing himself into my office space with some new gossip that he is itching to share. On many occasions he has tried to dig me a hole to fall in to In the same manner he does everything else in his life. Since I do have luck on my side I always tend to find out and correct it in front of him and those that were lied to making him get several warnings for his actions. He points the finger at the clients saying they take illegal money yet knowing for sure that he is the one leading the illegality. His hopes and dreams are for me to leave the project yet his kindness in front of me is beyond words always a shock when I find out what was said behind my back.

I built up as much defenses as I could, but at the end only a liar can deal with a liar and proudly I say “I do not resort to lying”. So yes, on my way back from the land of Honesty I was chocked up tears wanted to gush down and the desire to run into the arms of the resort residence was profound, yet I had to have control over my desires. And on the plane I had to let go of the notion of comfort and start my defense mechanism all over again, not knowing what to expect when I get back to work, not knowing what new stabbing mechanism was manufactured in my absence.

The beach right across from the Bungalo...beautiful sand

One thing I have learnt is that only the same types of people know how to get along with one another. An honest person will rarely believe that the person in front of them is lying, it is something they don’t do therefore they don’t detect easily. A person with ethical values have no means of believing that the person in front of them have no ethical values since they themselves only mange life through those values. A jealous person is unable to make sense of a person who feels no jealousy. It is a true fact when it is said that “like stick to like” and if you’re not in rhythm with who you’re dealing with then you will never be able to fight their fight using their weapons cause your weapons are of a different kind only able to be used with your “like”.

Follow that feeling…Follow that voice

It was a horrible time, I hated every minute of my living arrangements and avoided going back home whenever the opportunity arose. I had been living a lie for a year and had recently come to the understanding that whom I was living with was nothing of who I thought she was. I started developing the inability to look that person in the eye or be in the same space as her, I felt stifled in my own home. I had to leave, I needed my own space, I had to remove myself from the lies and hypocrisy that I was surrounded with night and day.

It all started a month after our move together into a new apartment(full story written in “Shocking Truth”). At first I didn’t like the apartment we had found, I felt a negativity within in it and the sun never visited the large floor to ceiling windows. There was a gloom and the sense of negativity within the space of the living room and the bedrooms. Tracy, my roommate at the time, was loving everything about it and was determined to move in, therefore convincing me on a daily basis that this was the perfect apartment for us. I succumbed to her needs and naggings and we moved in to the gloomy apartment a week after our first visit.

Two nights after moving into the apartment I was awakened by a deep male voice whispering loudly in my ear to go to my bathroom and check out the leakage. As I was over taken with sleep and exhaustion I stumbled out of my bed, walked into my bathroom and found an abundance of water flowing all over its floors slowly pouring itself out into my bedroom. Sandy eyed and exhausted I unhook the leaking pipe, throw a towel on the floor and stumble back to bed. The next morning I wake up unsure if what I did the night before was a dream or reality. As I rush towards the bathroom to check on its situation, I find a towel thrown on the floor and puddles of water proving that the occurrence was a reality. It was at that day that I knew this apartment was coming with its share of bad omens but I was confronted to know that I may have a guardian angel watching over me.

As the weeks passed, strange things started to occur with Tracy, her true nature was showing itself to me yet I was determined not to see it. She used to sit and stare at me, and when I would ask if she was ok, she would rant on about her beauty. Other times I would sit and listen to her ranting on about her friends in the most condescending of manners yet upon their arrival to our home or our meeting them somewhere outside, she would greet them with such warmth and love that I doubted she had ever said anything so heinous about them. She would shamelessly flirt with the opposite sex after convincing me that her abilities with the opposite sex are nonexistent and that she is of great moral value and ethics therefore confirming to me constantly her inability to flirt. She would insist that her religious morals would never allow her to marry someone outside of her religion, yet upon meeting one of her best friends (who was a guy she wanted to marry) her values would change and I would listen to her tell me that if his parents accepted her, since she was of different religion, she would leave her family behind and her religious standards. When she noticed that me and her guy best friend talked easily to one another cause we were childhood friends, she would tell me that he is not a man worthy of even being friends with as she would make plans with him behind my back telling me other tales instead. She would try to prove her loyalty to me by never attending an outing that included my ex husband, but then when me and my ex tried to date again she flirted with him in ways that made me confused over what her words would say and her actions were doing.

With all that, I was still trying my best to believe that her words were what I was to believe in and not her hypocrite like actions. Then one day, I find out, by pure luck, or through the guardian angel I thought I had, that her venom was spewing towards me. The tender words, and confessions of loyalty and friendship were all a farce, the same way it was a farce with everyone around her. As I had learnt the hard way, what she was doing to everyone was being done to me and it was the greatest day of awakening to me. I was living with someone who held no moral grounds, who had no ethics and who lied with such great abilities that only a person living with her was able to see it after a whole year. I confronted her with all her lies and naturally she denied all of it. Upon my second confrontation, there were truths that she was unable to hide and begged me to stop repeating all the things that have been cleared to me in the last months. After that was done, I told her we need to split up, that I am unable to live with a person of her caliber and ethics. She insisted that we should stay living together, hoping that I was the fool I had been for the last year, or the same fool her friends were for years. As she confessed her love to me, and hugged me I felt a pang of pain in my heart for her, yet no less than 24 hours later I heard more things she was saying about me and I ended it all. I told her I will be leaving her, that I want nothing to do with her, and I warned her that Karma was a bitch, she had done so much wrong for so many people that it will all come falling down on her. I stormed out of the house, spending the next coming nights at my sister’s house to avoid any more contact with Tracy and I started my house hunt.

I walked into so many different apartments, I called so many different agents to show me what is available. I had a friend who was a real estate agent and had him find me an apartment. There was nothing that felt right, there was nothing that bought the sunlight in and made me feel fresh and alive. A week into it, my real estate friend found me a beautiful one bedroom apartment that was exactly in the location I had wanted, on the floor I dreamt of having and with a full sea view that takes your breath away. With finding what I wanted, I arrived back to my doomed home with Tracy and told her that I will be moving out within the week. For some reason I felt sorry for her, and she started to ask me about apartments too since she didn’t want to stay in this one alone and she couldn’t afford it alone. So I started to give her the names of the real estate agents I used and started to tell her about all the apartments I saw, giving her the building names and the apartment numbers for her to check them out. I still could never live with her, knowing who she really was, but I still didn’t mind helping her. So we became respectful of one another and I gave her all the help I could to find her a new apartment.

I went to see that one bedroom apartment that I loved everyday, just to make sure that it was the one I wanted to live in, but there was always something nagging me not to live there. The energy was not something I felt comfortable with although everything else was exactly what I was looking for. I was done with looking around, but I was feeling like there was something else for me, and that this apartment will bring sadness into my life. I wanted to get out of my apartment and out of Tracys life style and so I tried to ignore my nagging feeling of looking around some more.

In a matter of days, I heard something else that Tracy was saying about me and I lost my mind totally. I stormed into the house and lost all control of my language and words, everything I felt in my heart came pouring out and I slammed the apartment door shut as I drove to my sisters house. It was time for me to leave, I needed to leave this very minute. I decided to go for the one bedroom apartment that I liked just to get out. I stopped my search and was ready to make the payments for my new apartment when I receive a message on my phone. My father had come across a real estate agent who has some apartments in the location I wanted. Out of complete despair and to please my dad I called the guy. He was a scrawny little guy, I met him and he took me to several apartments, one of them being the one bedroom that I was about to sign the contract for. I looked around the apartment and thought to myself “This must be the one for me since it is the third time it has been shown to me, although I feel that its energy is not that good” that is when he told me he has only one more apartment to show me. I told him I was not interested since I am probably going to take this one. He says ok, but then tells me that I should still look at it since I have seen everything else why not just try this last one.

I walk into that one last apartment and I loose my senses, this was the apartment all along, this was the one my heart and soul kept telling me to wait for. Upon my first step I feel the energy pulling me towards it, the sunlight is beaming through all the windows, the panoramic windows have nothing to show me other than the blue waters of the sea. It is the same price of the one bedroom I was about to take but this one had two bedrooms. It was what I had always had in mind, it felt right on so many levels, it was mine to have.

A few days later I was moving all my things out, joy in my heart at the miracle that just took place. I was free of gloomy apartment, I was free of Tracy and her life style, I was free to allow miracles back into my life. When things in life start looking so ugly, and people start to show their true colors, you must know that it is time for a change and the universe is pushing you in the direction to make that change. Once you accept it and embrace it, what your heart desires comes into fruition and the change is a welcomed blessing.

This is one of my miracle stories, this is something that makes me remember that I need to always follow my gut feeling, and that I should never settle for anything less than what my true self knows I should have. Listen to that soft whisper, pay attention to a nagging feeling and make sure to follow your heart s it tells you the truth before you incorporate a new person or life style into your life.

Is it really relevant to lie to your spouse?

That is a question that has been evident in most of the marriages or relationships I have seen throughout my life, actually in more recent times of my life. How is it possible to establish a strong bond with someone, especially someone you are planning to spend the rest of your life with, upon the knowledge that there will be lies?

Lies come in many different degrees but they all matter and they are all considered lies. We grew up figuring out ways to lie to our parents not to get in trouble or we lie to get to do what our friends are doing that they have not permitted us to do. We learnt that lying gets us places with our parents. When we are asked if we did our homework, we immediately answer “yes” knowing that we will be allowed to do what we wanted to do once our homework was done. We learnt to lie and act sick when we were not in the mood to go to school cause we either had a teacher that hated us, or a friend that was causing agony to us or a crush we had actually liked someone else. We learnt to lie to our parents when all our friends were going out to a bar after curfew hours so that we could be there too, not understanding the reasons behind their constant need to put rules and regulations that other kids didn’t have.

So we have all learnt to lie to our parents to get our way, to receive their approval of who we are and to allow our true natures to blossom without the pressures of what our parents have enforced us to be. These were days of no self identity, if it were not so hard to find yourself and the pressures of what the parents expected out of you, then the lies would have no need to exist as part of your reality.

The question here is “Why would you continue to lie to your partner?” Your partner is someone you chose to spend the rest of your life with, he/she is not a parent holding a book of rules against you. Your partner is someone that should grow with you regardless of who you are and what your preferences in life are. In saying that, I am also stating that one should start a life with someone who has the same ideas, values and ethics; therefore eliminating the reasons for lies.

What is the point in choosing a spouse that would not approve the fact that you drink alcohol, then make sure to live your life proving that you are a saint. Why go for someone who enjoys the comforts of their home when you enjoy the comforts of a night club? What benefit will you get if you decide to express to your future spouse that you love having a family when in reality your need for family is the last thing on your mind? There are a thousand ways couples lie to one another just to be with the person they wish to be with, but these lies continue to grow in time as there are a lot of other things that go hand in hand with the first innocent lie, the true identity of the person who chose to lie.

We are not marrying our parents, there is no right and wrong when you have already grown up and realized who you are and what you are. There is no need to tell your spouse you don’t smoke yet you rush to the bathroom to have a cigarette after every meal as you spray perfume all over the bathroom so your spouse can’t smell it. These are acts we learnt to do with our parents, not acts we do with our partner. There is no need for that specific partner if you find a need to lie about any aspect of your life, your thoughts or what you believe.

Living in the clear is so much easier than living in the dark. We need to disassociate from the confines of our parents and take a look at the freedom we have today, the freedom to make our lives exactly what we want it to be with a partner that lives that same life we have worked so hard to have.