When does it become unacceptable?

Anger boils over inside of me as Jack asked “Well did he hit you?”

“No” Emily says, surprised that he would even ask that question. Was all what she was saying not enough to walk out on her current relationship? My face was starting to hurt from the frown that had over taken my face for the past half hour, listening to Emily re-tell her story with her husband to Jack as tears rolled down her face. I couldn’t understand why Jack was even asking if her husband was hitting her? What relevance did that have to do with the pain Emily has been suffering for years with this man?

I asked him point blank “What relevance does this have? Is it not enough that He is constantly swearing at her, slamming doors all over the house, being completely impolite to any member of her family or any of her friends that enter her house, he doesn’t give her money to be able to support the house hold requirements and her baby girls requirements yet spends a ton on his friends and his entertainment, he is out partying every single night without her, he doesn’t allow her to go to bars or clubs at night without him even though he does constantly, he has caused his little girl to wake up screaming at night fearing that her father would kill her mother, he sits and does nothing in the house except talk on the phone to his buddies laughing or flipping through tv channels as she keeps running around the house fixing things, he uses his kids for his social outings to be accepted in society, he doesn’t allow her to work so she doesn’t attract the attention of the opposite sex” I take a deep breath in, calm myself down and asked calmly “So answer this Jack, what does it matter, to you, if he hits her or not?” Jack looked at me surprised as though I was asking him a question about giving birth and how he felt during it. I repeated my question to him more aggressively and he finally responded saying “Well since he does not hit her, then they can work things out. hitting her would be unacceptable in every way possible.”

Shocked out of my wits I didn’t know how to answer him back, all that rummaged through my mind was the fact that if a woman ever dared do all that to her husband she would be banished by everyone including her family, they would tell her that it is up to her to make this marriage work. Any man who went to complain about the same things would have given the green light for every human being (male or female) to reprimand the woman until she breaks down in humiliation for her actions. Yet when a woman complains about being mistreated on a daily basis the world tends to stand by his side and ask the woman to accept it as long as she is not being physically abused. She is supposed to take in his infidelity, his rudeness, his verbal condemning ways, his absence physically and financially and only be able to make a valid stand if he went out of his way and hit her.

Strange how this type of injustice is not accepted upon animals and yet upon women it is considered bad, yet not unjust. A woman is put in a position today to accept all that is done to her by a man because he has not physically abused her YET. A woman is expected to be the brains in the family, the glue that holds everything together regardless of what her mental state has become because of all the degrading ways she has been treated.  A woman has to turn a blind eye to her husband having affairs hoping that he will one day come to his senses, but when that day never comes she has to confront him and in return the society gives the excuse of him being a “Man” and men need more than one woman. She is then asked yet again to accept it and be a better wife to her husband cause she was probably the reason he went to another woman for sex. If a woman cheats on her husband she is thrown to the gutters, her kids are taken away from her, her marriage is over, her is shunned out from society with not a single word mentioned that it could have possibly been the husbands fault.

What really gets to me is this, after my talk with Emily and Jack, I found Emily agreeing with Jack, seeing his point of view, assessing the situation and wronging herself the whole time. She provoked his anger, she allowed him to neglect her and stop spending money on her and the family, it was her fault she was too busy taking care of the house and her child and her new pregnancy, of course he would go mad and naturally she thanked God that he never hit her “He is a good man that he never hit me. I would have left for sure.”

And in that ended the whole pain she had been suffering for years with her husband. I later on found out that all her girlfriends gave her a similar advice and sad as it was, women accept this upon themselves. Women will tell women to stick around in a horrible relationship, with a cheating man, with a stingy guy, with a man who has temper management issues and tell the woman it is all in her hands to make this work.

When have we ever become the weaker sex? We are able to give birth, take care of a house, go to work, socialize with the world and sleep for a maximum of six hours a night and still have the ability to do everything and more than any man could even dream of. What happened to reprimanding a man for his misconduct and behavior, who said it was ok? Who said that we were born, as women, to live this way? How come every man gets away with murder and women can’t get away with an extra hour of sleep if needed?

Women know how to build fear in other women, making them accept the unacceptable. Telling them horror stories of what life would look like if she did leave her husband “You will not be able to support yourself, you have not worked for years.” Or “What about the kids? They need a father figure” or “Live with it till your kids are old enough then leave”or “ Who will every marry a woman with children? It is too much baggage. So it is best to stay with the man who helped in procreating them.”

What women don’t understand is this “If women stood up and supported one another and did not accept to be treated in such a disturbing disregard to their humanity then men will have no choice but to stop.” As long as the world accommodates such actions and only the visual physical abuse is the allowed reason to leave a man, women will always be where they are today, and they will keep procreating more men that abuse their women, cause women don’t know how to stand up for their human rights.

If every woman keeps accepting this as a way of life, and if women will always advise women to be the abused member of the family then things will never change and women will always be spat on. Her kids will also treat her with disrespect the way their father had, and they will repeat the same pattern onto their wives in the future and every woman will again tell that woman in pain “It is ok, it is all in your hands, you’re the smarter one. Men are like children let him do his thing, and you stay the good wife, he will come around. As long as he didn’t hit you then you can fix it.”

Emilie’s story is one of the many stories I have came across in all these years of watching and listening to couples. With such sadness I have to say that I might have met one in every 30 marriages where there is a balanced relationship between man and woman. What women don’t understand is this: they are telling their daughters that it is ok to be treated this way and they are telling their sons it is ok to treat a woman this way. They think they are making life better for their children when in reality they are allowing the same patterns to continue to evolve and have no regard to how their daughters will be treated in the future or how their sons will treat women.

Through the unexpected came Hope

It has been a while since I have attempted to write, a drastic change took hold of my life and there were things I needed to handle and take care of that were out of my control.

Twelve days ago the people of my country started protests against the government and their 82 year old president. The protestors were refined in their demands until the looters started taking control of the demonstration forcing the peaceful protestors to take a different approach to the regime. People were defending their homes and their families against the escaped convicts and the hooligans let loose on the streets.

 In complete panic I called up my mom to check up on her as I would hear the loud gun shots in the background. Nothing seemed real, I felt that my reality was stripped away from me and everyone I loved was trapped in the most shocking of situations.

For years the elite residence of Cairo have been worried that the large starving population of Egypt would revolt against them but no one really put much of those fears into consideration since the Egyptians were developing a very passive attitude towards their circumstances. The rich were getting richer and the poor were getting poorer, until Twelve days ago when the fears of the past 5 years came with a blast.

In spite of what everyone was worried about something beautiful arouse from the situation at hand, all of Egypt united as one; the young and old, the rich and poor, the intellect and the ignorant all held hands in demand of a new Egypt, a new life. The bond grew stronger amongst the people once the prisoners and hooligans were set loose on the streets threatening the lives of those protestors and their families more so once the Egyptian police forces vanished into thin air leaving the people to fend for themselves.

During all this chaos my concern was my mother who was completely alone in Cairo at the time with no one to help her or care for her. Action had to take place to get her to the UAE as soon as possible especially that me and my sister both lived there. I was also worried sick over my best friends not knowing how to help them all into safety praying that God protects them and all of the people of Egypt.

With some amazing help from a spectacular young man we were able to get my mom out of Egypt into the safety of the UAE. Also only a few of my best friends made it out giving me some comfort yet still feeling painful agony for all the rest that were still stuck in Egypt. Constant phone calls were made to check up on everyone and I got to feel through those phone calls the magnitude of love everyone had for their country again.

For years Cairo had lost the spark that brought me to it in the first place, for years I was unable to walk down the streets knowing that I will be harassed by beggars’ and hopeless people. My car would be spat on at times when I would be heading off from one place to the next; people were losing their charm becoming aggressively rude and hurtful. I had moved back to Cairo more than 9 years ago because I felt safe on the streets, people laughed regardless of their situation, if I were to be harassed by anyone I would find a bunch of men attacking the harasser to get him off my case. Cairo with all its other problems never lacked the amazing spirit of its people that kept everyone going back for more.

What took place twelve days ago has given the people of Egypt their reason to live again, a purpose with hope of a better life that was lost to them for more than 20 years. Their oneness is unlike any other, they have bonded as one again fighting for the same cause, supporting one another regardless of what their financial status is. As for me, my love for Egypt has grown ten folds over in the past twelve days, and my desire to go back has over powered my logical thoughts.

As I watch the news and see all the familiar streets I weep in sorrow at the chaos taking place not comprehending what is happening and why? A peaceful protest turned into chaos ruining the beauty that started the whole thing. Yet with all that, the people have gotten stronger, the energy has proven to the world that the Egyptians are a great nation cause of the incredible courage they had in facing their fears and conquering them.

I miss my country, I miss my people, I miss my friends and most of all I miss the spirit of the Egyptians that at last has surfaced again after years and years of poverty and neglect. Through the unexpected arose a new meaning to life to what was a hopeless state.

I wish i May…..

I wish I may ,I wish I might, have these wishes with love and light………

As I sit in the abyss of my thoughts, I take another puff of my on going addiction, I dream of all the things I wish to have and the life I wish to live and I start to write my wish list…

I live in a house by the beach where the sea water curves itself against the rocks and pulls back and forth from the shore. The sky is always clear with a soft breeze that constantly carries the scent of the salty air towards me. The steady sound of a not so distant movement brings serenity to my inner being, as if I own the sounds of the waves in my backyard.

 

I live only minutes away from a cobbled street town where the coffee shops face one another and the small and tall buildings tower over them. As I walk towards it I always stop on the road to take a look at my breathtaking view that seems to always bring me a new internal pleasure. I stop to admire the nature that surrounds my area where the vibrant green grows on mountains which in turn engulf the flow of the ocean as it enters the city’s outskirts.

I wake up in the morning  getting ready for my new day as I long to bask in the sunlight that penetrates through my window smelling the freshness of the salty air caress itself against my skin. It is my daily reminder of gratitude and thankfulness for the life I have finally bought into my life.

 

 

When I need to watch people from the comforts of my home, all I need to do is walk outside as I stand on my small terrace waving hello to all those I know and providing a smile to those I don’t.

 

When I need to absorb the power of nature, I take a walk towards a close by area as i sit on one of nature’s formed rocks, look up at the sky and know that I am one with nature as my feet absorb the energy emanating from its ever so powerful force. I hear the sound of the flow of a river and smell the freshness of green.

 

At other times when I need to leave the world behind for a few hours, I take my car and drive towards my secret place, a place of water, green, flowers and rocks. I sit there to contemplate, to write, to paint and sometimes to get resolved.

 

There is a port close by where the boats take off and the fishermen head to work, I sometimes go out to fish to generate the possibilities of internal peace. I sometimes just go there after the boats have sailed off and dangle my legs off the wooden platform wanting my feet to touch the cool water as I watch the colorless fish swim between the cracks of the wood floor panels I am seated on. 

Every day I spend an hour or more sitting in a coffee shop on the streets of the city I live in, harmoniously  indulged in a conversation with my loved one as we watch the array of strangers passing us by. We discuss the insights we encountered during the times we were apart, we contemplate the things we want to add to our lives, we count our blessings for the life we have.

When it rains me and my loved one remove our selves off the couch hurriedly moving to go walk in the rain entangled in a warm embrace as we smile to the sky in thanks for the crystal like drops that touch our skin.

 

On certain nights where the city sleeps and nature takes a bow I slow dance to a gentle melody engulfed in the scent of the one I love. In utter silence we gently touch, we tenderly reminisce on all the times we have had together, we appreciate one another’s love as we both wrap our arms around one another in agreement.

The restaurant in the little city is a weekly ritual where me and my loved one go there to relish in its exquisite foods. We sit there whispering sweet nothingness to one another as there is no one there to judge or care for there are others around that entertain the same kind of serenity, security and love that we share.

 

 

I walk down a long narrow path that leads me to the gushing sounds of the waterfalls. I want to be one with nature and one with the water. I want to have the power of the falls, i want to be the falls

 

 

The shores of the beach touch the tips of my backyard. I walk down the large expanse of the beach in a loving embrace with the one I love as we move from talk to silence and talk again.

Several days a week I am surrounded by those I love, my beloved family and friends come to have breakfast in my garden where we laugh and talk as the outstanding view of vineyards and continuous landscapes of green take our breath away with every mouthful.

My soul is free to express itself within the confines of my body, to allow my spirit to show itself on the shores of nature. I dance with the power of passion taking over me without a care in the world and no one to judge me but the nature that surrounds me.

 

I meet my girlfriends for coffee and gossip about our lives and the lives of our loved ones. We need the girl time, we need the bonding time, we cherish our times together for they are rare to occur with the on going schedules of both our lives. We change from one coffee shop to another every time we meet to allow for new change.

My little library possess all the books to entertain the young and old. I take a peek inside my library to see the man I love reading to my child without a care about the world outside for he is creating a little world of his own for his child through the wonders of the words of a book.

 

I wish to be sitting on this couch, with that view as I write my wish list

Sticks and Stones….

“Sticks and Stones may break my bones but words will never hurt me.”

I must say that after my experiences in the last three years the above statement is far from the truth. It is said that most Emotionally abused women are unable to walk out of their abusive relationships cause their bruises and broken bones are obvious to no one not even to the abused. Out of my personal experience i can easily say that sticks and stones can break my bones yet once someone sees it i will be rushed to the hospital to have professional healers work to fix me. As for the brutal words that tear you apart and wound your insides, those wounds take forever to mend, for no one can see them not even you.

People need proof that something is wrong, they need to see a broken arm which indicates an immediate rush to the hospital, a building on fire will ignite people on the streets to call the firemen to put out the fire, an accident on the street alerts the passers by to call the police and ambulance for rescue. As for an internal wound that can’t be seen only felt, there is no way for this to be attended to at the right time with the right resources to fix it. It is proven that if a person bumps their head hard enough to cause pain and faintness then this person should go to the doctor to check up on it. There are times when you do go to the doctor and they cant find any evidence of future traumas therefore allowing the person to go home. A few weeks later this person dies of a blood clot in the brain that went undetected with no previous signs of any defects cause the person was perusing their daily actives as they always had.

This is what an abused person is like, there are no exterior evidence that can alert the  surrounding environment that this person needs help. What usually happens is that the abuser is always proving in front of others what a great person they are, so when the abused decides to confide in a friend the abused becomes at fault for not knowing how to work things out with such a great guy (the abuser).

How does hypnosis work? It words through words that someone uses in a certain tone and with a certain set or words to get you in a meditative state. In just knowing that, it is clear how powerful words can be and how much they can effect the human mind. An abused person starts to live in their mind listening to all the new words that have been placed there to break their confidence in themselves allowing insecurities to grow deep, trying to make sense of the outside world while their inside world has lost all its sense.

If an abused person comes to talk to you seeking help to make sense of her life, pay close attention you may be able to help that person break free of her pain early enough to allow the damages that are in motion to stop so the healing period will not last a lifetime. Praising the abuser  is only a  confirmation to the abused that she is going mad making her believe it is all her fault that she should be treated badly by her man. There is never a strong enough excuse for bad behaviour. There is never an excuse for humiliation and pain to be a part of ones life style, especially when that becomes her life cause of loving the wrong man.

SO i conclude this article by saying that Sticks and Bones may break my bones but WORDS DO break my spirit.