The Nudge of the Heart

When do we know when to take the next step forward?

A statement I hear on various occasions is “Follow you heart”. As people casually throw that statement around making it easier for the problem at hand to get resolved they have no true awareness of the magnitude of their words on the confused party. Following what your heart is saying is easier said than done, yet not following your heart is a harder path to maintain. When you maintain a path that your heart is not feeling content in, a constant persistent nudge keeps pestering your thoughts and actions until you face up to what changes you need to start making. The problem here is that the heart and mind are always in battle with one another; there is the mind putting in all the logical reasons for not making that change then there is the heart aching to follow that illogical instinct.

Its late at night, all the stars are out and the moon is large yet discretely showing itself behind the blackness of the sky. I am walking with my soul sister on a well paved street that permits only pedestrians to stroll on. My heart is elated with happiness enjoying every moment of this reunion that has a way of bringing me back to my core self, the self that keeps loosing track of its path when left to venture in the whims of my mind. We engage in long conversations about life and the beauty of understanding the wisdom behind all what we assume to be bad happenings. Our conversations move easily from one thought to the next, from one problem to a resolve, from one idea to a realization. After a few hours of mind stimulating exchanges we come to the moment where we start to share our confusions about future decisions and soulful fulfillments.

The air is getting colder and the night is starting to release its skimpy dressed women and open shirted men. We dodge the inevitable response to our confusions by commenting on the passerby’s dress codes, making fun of the most outrageous ones as we contemplate the ones who seem to be looking for a sexual partner for the night.  As we continue walking up and down the promenade we resolve to ending the evening as we stop in front of a bench and start to bid farewell to one another. Then it happens, what we were dodging to say the whole evening happens, my soul sister looks at me and tells me “Follow your heart, you know exactly what you need to do, so just do it”.

We hug one another and make plans to meet the next day for another casual outing, making sure to use every minute we have in her short stay in Dubai.

I walk towards my car, ignite the engine, the music blasts and my thoughts start to roll.

“Follow my heart” I said to myself “How do I follow my heart?” I asked myself and with that I found my long awaited answer. The fact that me and my soul sister talked for hours on end, filtering out all our thoughts and poured out all what our true desires were made things easy to understand once I had time to be in silence. I had realized that for the longest time my heart knew exactly what I should and should not be doing, all the right choices were there all the time but I was too logical to follow through what I always knew.

It seems that with every situation I got a voice that told me the truth, what I did was try to mentally understand that instinct and try to rationalize it, and once I did that, the instinct would make no sense and I would discard of it moving along the path of logic. Yet there has never been a time where my instincts had been wrong. I looked back at all the things I stuck to although my heart didn’t want to and realized that no matter how long I would stick to it, at some point my initial instinct would take over. All the time I spent forcing myself to do the things I thought were best for me, turned out to be a waste of my time. My whole life flashed across my thoughts, all the examples of following my heart took control and I realized that my whole entire life was spent logicalizing a situation and then finding out that my heart was right all along.

So many people I dated and I knew from the first few days they were not the ones for me, yet I would logicalize it and make my heart go into silence as I try to make it work. Outings that my heart would tell me not to go to simply cause it knew that I would be wasting my time, I would find all the logical reasons as to why I should go then realize, too late, that my heart was right all along. A  job I have wanted to quit for so long, knowing exactly how it made me feel to wake up every morning to go to, I would logicalize it and stick to it only to actually leave it months later after my system has collapsed with stress. Countries that I should move out of cause it has bought me nothing but misery, I logicalize and stick to it, only to realize years later that it drained the life out of me. I would meet a

new friend, my heart would send out alarm bells to watch out, and I would logicalize it and stick to the friendship only to find out months later that my heart was right all along.

My heart knew everything from the moment I would take a decision, yet I would not listen to it, for fear that it made no sense and was not the right thing to do. My heart was always right.

So in that car, driving back home, I got the courage to follow through with what my heart wanted, I decided to do exactly what I knew all along I should do. I had a smile on my face, I felt free and I knew that it is time to make that change.

I woke up the next morning with hope of a new life style, when my thoughts started to take control and I started to write a logical list as to why I should continue living in the country I am in.

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Follow that feeling…Follow that voice

It was a horrible time, I hated every minute of my living arrangements and avoided going back home whenever the opportunity arose. I had been living a lie for a year and had recently come to the understanding that whom I was living with was nothing of who I thought she was. I started developing the inability to look that person in the eye or be in the same space as her, I felt stifled in my own home. I had to leave, I needed my own space, I had to remove myself from the lies and hypocrisy that I was surrounded with night and day.

It all started a month after our move together into a new apartment(full story written in “Shocking Truth”). At first I didn’t like the apartment we had found, I felt a negativity within in it and the sun never visited the large floor to ceiling windows. There was a gloom and the sense of negativity within the space of the living room and the bedrooms. Tracy, my roommate at the time, was loving everything about it and was determined to move in, therefore convincing me on a daily basis that this was the perfect apartment for us. I succumbed to her needs and naggings and we moved in to the gloomy apartment a week after our first visit.

Two nights after moving into the apartment I was awakened by a deep male voice whispering loudly in my ear to go to my bathroom and check out the leakage. As I was over taken with sleep and exhaustion I stumbled out of my bed, walked into my bathroom and found an abundance of water flowing all over its floors slowly pouring itself out into my bedroom. Sandy eyed and exhausted I unhook the leaking pipe, throw a towel on the floor and stumble back to bed. The next morning I wake up unsure if what I did the night before was a dream or reality. As I rush towards the bathroom to check on its situation, I find a towel thrown on the floor and puddles of water proving that the occurrence was a reality. It was at that day that I knew this apartment was coming with its share of bad omens but I was confronted to know that I may have a guardian angel watching over me.

As the weeks passed, strange things started to occur with Tracy, her true nature was showing itself to me yet I was determined not to see it. She used to sit and stare at me, and when I would ask if she was ok, she would rant on about her beauty. Other times I would sit and listen to her ranting on about her friends in the most condescending of manners yet upon their arrival to our home or our meeting them somewhere outside, she would greet them with such warmth and love that I doubted she had ever said anything so heinous about them. She would shamelessly flirt with the opposite sex after convincing me that her abilities with the opposite sex are nonexistent and that she is of great moral value and ethics therefore confirming to me constantly her inability to flirt. She would insist that her religious morals would never allow her to marry someone outside of her religion, yet upon meeting one of her best friends (who was a guy she wanted to marry) her values would change and I would listen to her tell me that if his parents accepted her, since she was of different religion, she would leave her family behind and her religious standards. When she noticed that me and her guy best friend talked easily to one another cause we were childhood friends, she would tell me that he is not a man worthy of even being friends with as she would make plans with him behind my back telling me other tales instead. She would try to prove her loyalty to me by never attending an outing that included my ex husband, but then when me and my ex tried to date again she flirted with him in ways that made me confused over what her words would say and her actions were doing.

With all that, I was still trying my best to believe that her words were what I was to believe in and not her hypocrite like actions. Then one day, I find out, by pure luck, or through the guardian angel I thought I had, that her venom was spewing towards me. The tender words, and confessions of loyalty and friendship were all a farce, the same way it was a farce with everyone around her. As I had learnt the hard way, what she was doing to everyone was being done to me and it was the greatest day of awakening to me. I was living with someone who held no moral grounds, who had no ethics and who lied with such great abilities that only a person living with her was able to see it after a whole year. I confronted her with all her lies and naturally she denied all of it. Upon my second confrontation, there were truths that she was unable to hide and begged me to stop repeating all the things that have been cleared to me in the last months. After that was done, I told her we need to split up, that I am unable to live with a person of her caliber and ethics. She insisted that we should stay living together, hoping that I was the fool I had been for the last year, or the same fool her friends were for years. As she confessed her love to me, and hugged me I felt a pang of pain in my heart for her, yet no less than 24 hours later I heard more things she was saying about me and I ended it all. I told her I will be leaving her, that I want nothing to do with her, and I warned her that Karma was a bitch, she had done so much wrong for so many people that it will all come falling down on her. I stormed out of the house, spending the next coming nights at my sister’s house to avoid any more contact with Tracy and I started my house hunt.

I walked into so many different apartments, I called so many different agents to show me what is available. I had a friend who was a real estate agent and had him find me an apartment. There was nothing that felt right, there was nothing that bought the sunlight in and made me feel fresh and alive. A week into it, my real estate friend found me a beautiful one bedroom apartment that was exactly in the location I had wanted, on the floor I dreamt of having and with a full sea view that takes your breath away. With finding what I wanted, I arrived back to my doomed home with Tracy and told her that I will be moving out within the week. For some reason I felt sorry for her, and she started to ask me about apartments too since she didn’t want to stay in this one alone and she couldn’t afford it alone. So I started to give her the names of the real estate agents I used and started to tell her about all the apartments I saw, giving her the building names and the apartment numbers for her to check them out. I still could never live with her, knowing who she really was, but I still didn’t mind helping her. So we became respectful of one another and I gave her all the help I could to find her a new apartment.

I went to see that one bedroom apartment that I loved everyday, just to make sure that it was the one I wanted to live in, but there was always something nagging me not to live there. The energy was not something I felt comfortable with although everything else was exactly what I was looking for. I was done with looking around, but I was feeling like there was something else for me, and that this apartment will bring sadness into my life. I wanted to get out of my apartment and out of Tracys life style and so I tried to ignore my nagging feeling of looking around some more.

In a matter of days, I heard something else that Tracy was saying about me and I lost my mind totally. I stormed into the house and lost all control of my language and words, everything I felt in my heart came pouring out and I slammed the apartment door shut as I drove to my sisters house. It was time for me to leave, I needed to leave this very minute. I decided to go for the one bedroom apartment that I liked just to get out. I stopped my search and was ready to make the payments for my new apartment when I receive a message on my phone. My father had come across a real estate agent who has some apartments in the location I wanted. Out of complete despair and to please my dad I called the guy. He was a scrawny little guy, I met him and he took me to several apartments, one of them being the one bedroom that I was about to sign the contract for. I looked around the apartment and thought to myself “This must be the one for me since it is the third time it has been shown to me, although I feel that its energy is not that good” that is when he told me he has only one more apartment to show me. I told him I was not interested since I am probably going to take this one. He says ok, but then tells me that I should still look at it since I have seen everything else why not just try this last one.

I walk into that one last apartment and I loose my senses, this was the apartment all along, this was the one my heart and soul kept telling me to wait for. Upon my first step I feel the energy pulling me towards it, the sunlight is beaming through all the windows, the panoramic windows have nothing to show me other than the blue waters of the sea. It is the same price of the one bedroom I was about to take but this one had two bedrooms. It was what I had always had in mind, it felt right on so many levels, it was mine to have.

A few days later I was moving all my things out, joy in my heart at the miracle that just took place. I was free of gloomy apartment, I was free of Tracy and her life style, I was free to allow miracles back into my life. When things in life start looking so ugly, and people start to show their true colors, you must know that it is time for a change and the universe is pushing you in the direction to make that change. Once you accept it and embrace it, what your heart desires comes into fruition and the change is a welcomed blessing.

This is one of my miracle stories, this is something that makes me remember that I need to always follow my gut feeling, and that I should never settle for anything less than what my true self knows I should have. Listen to that soft whisper, pay attention to a nagging feeling and make sure to follow your heart s it tells you the truth before you incorporate a new person or life style into your life.

An illusionary ailment

Fear is one of the biggest illusionary ailments most people face today. It lets us stay in situations we don’t particularly like or simply have grown emotionally distant from. Fear and anxiety go hand in hand as the on line medical-dictionary defines it as such:

Fear: an emotion, generally considered negative and unpleasant, that is a reaction to a real or threatened danger; fright. Fear is distinguished from anxiety, which is a reaction to an unreal or imagined danger.

Since I possess this specific type of ailment; I have come to understand that fear has stopped me from ever taking the right decision towards what my heart desires to do. Once the fear starts whispering its evil ideas into my thoughts and processing future images of the possibilities of it happening, I start to lose the rhythm of my regular breathing, accelerating it until I am unable to function outside the thoughts and images of my upcoming miserable future. That is when it turns into an irrational anxiety attack and all decisions to follow through with what I know I should do disappear out the window. I settle slowly back into the familiar, stopping myself from moving outside what I know, conjuring up past experiences to support my submissive decision.

My fears/anxieties come from basically every direction in my life.

If I want to leave the job I am currently at, knowing deep inside that it is defiantly not working out for me anymore, I become optimistic. In optimism I start to visualize the career I really want to pursue; my heart feels lighter in knowing that I am making the right decision because I know there is something great for me out there. I am optimistic and have drawn up the perfect future for myself after leaving my job. Then the inevitable happens, the whispering starts to take place, the images start to flood my mind. I am jobless, I need the cash flow to travel, maybe I am not as good as I think I am, I will fail at my new job, I will be poor, I have bills to pay, I will have to leave the country and go back home to live in the confines of my parents control, etc….etc….etc…..Fear has struck, the fear of the unknown. All the optimism that I felt in my inner core flakes away as a new defined pessimism replaces it. Now I am confused about what I really want to do, I have no say anymore, I only have fear to talk to and if I try to encourage the optimism back, Fear finds a way to invite anxiety to conjure up more irrational future possibilities of doom.

I find the worst type of fear is the fear of loneliness. In that specific type of fear, we humans have acquired the ability to accept and stay in relationships with people that are not good for us, or not meant to be for us. This type of fear constitutes of all kinds of relationships, be it life partners, friends, relatives, colleagues, neighbors, you name it, we humans depend on it for fear of being alone.

I sat in my car today listening to one of the many audio stories I listen to on my drive to work every morning. There was a part of the story where this woman was told by her husband that she was not allowed to work cause he didn’t like it. She was stifled in the relationship and really had no say in most of the things that took place within her own life. So one day she decided to accept a job offer in a detective’s agency and she loved every minute of it. Once her husband found out he went nuts, he started to accuse her of cheating on him, not trusting her, not accepting that she wanted to have a life outside of him. She storms out of the room as she yells at him for the first time telling him that he must accept it because that is what she wants to do with her life and she is sick of him dictating to her what she can and cannot do. After she sits with herself for a few minutes in her room with the door locked her fears start to surface. The whispering starts to take place: what if her husband decides to leave her? She can’t ever be alone, she loves him and he promised her that he will be there forever for her. Images of him walking out on her start to take over her thoughts, Whispers of old age with no one in her life start to manifest into images. As all her fears creep up on her, she starts to question her decision to fight for what she truly wishes to do. She rushes out of her room, down the stairs and into the kitchen where her husband was standing in front of the fridge deciding what to eat. They look at one another and she apologizes to him for taking up a job. He walks towards her, she hugs him and things are back on track again. She meets up with her boss and her friend to tell them that she is quitting her job but is too embarrassed to say it is cause her husband won’t allow her to work. As they keep talking she feels a sense of loss inside her yet the fear of being alone is larger than her desire to face her fear.

I have not finished the story yet, but I am sure she will take some sort of stand by the end of the book (it is fiction after all, with happy endings)

Many times I lingered in my “known”, not willing to venture into the “unknown” for fear of being alone. Other times I contaminated the minds of my friends and family upon hearing their complaints, projecting my own fears into their world, helping their fears to manifest themselves with outsider affirmations.

Fear has no legs to walk on within our reality, it only know how to tread hard in our imaginations stopping us from doing what we most definitely know we should do.

Interested to read the book? Click here: Fast Women