Ecstasy at its Best

The fear over took me as I lifted one leg up placing it carefully on a tiny little pedal as the other leg flew over the narrow seat and rested on the opposing  pedal. My hands grasped Mark’s shoulders as I slowly sat down on the narrow leather seat. I felt like chocking up, I was unable to breath, the large helmet closed around my face, cradling my chin and covering my ears and cheeks only allowing a narrow opening for my eyes to see and nose to breath. I asked Mark repeatedly “Are you sure this is safe? The last time I did this I was nine years old.” And Mark kept reassuring me “Trust me it is very safe, you will feel the freedom you have always longed for”

As Mark started to move very slowly with his motorcycle I relaxed for a few seconds giving full and utter trust in Mark’s abilities and the fact that he has been riding since a very young age. Just as I was starting to talk myself into the reliability of what I was on, I found my legs thrown off of the pedals and crashing against the cement floor as the motorcycle fought to hold itself up. I got off the bike in a heart beat as Mark tried to lift it off its tilted angel with all the strength he had in his legs. Once the bike was up again, standing the way a bike should stand I hesitated for a few seconds before hoping back on it. I didn’t want to make Mark feel that he was not competent at what he loved to do the most and yet the fear of my life being under someone else’s hands was overwhelming. Needless to say, the need and desire to make Mark feel that I still trusted him over took my fear and I was back on the bike, pretending like nothing happened. As we started to drive off again, this time moving a lot faster I felt my heart was gonna throw itself outside of my chest and give up on me.

“Why do I always do that to myself?”  I wondered “Why is it always someone else’s feelings that I worry about a lot more than mine?” I was afraid, so afraid all I was able to do was come to terms that this was how I was gonna die. I kept repeating prayers in my mind and heart as my arms wrapped themselves around Mark’s waist. I kept asking God to forgive all my sins and forgive any bad I had done in my life, and as I kept praying and visualizing my death we came to a halt and I was surrounded by other bikers all parked in front of a bike store chatting away and purchasing things for their bikes. Once we were off the bikes, Mark took off and went inside the store to check out helmets as I stood outside observing all the people around me, watching their facial expressions and seeing them wave a polite hello to me. Mark appeared again and asked me to go in the store with him and check it out, I obediently did that, out of worry of being left alone with the death machine.

Against all my wishful prayers, we got on the bike again and this time I was sure we were gonna die. Mark was a pro at driving a Harley and I should have felt safe internally, the anguish was beyond my understanding, the images in my head were overwhelming me as the wind crashed itself against my face and body. We stopped again at a gas station before our long trip to the sea, he asked me again at the gas station if I was ok and up for the ride and humbly I said “Yes I am ready for it” unknowingly to him that I had come to terms that God had planned my death on that very day, on that motorcycle, on a long desert road towards the sea that I was sure I would never see.

The Harley was filled up with gas, our helmets were back on our heads, my hands were balanced on marks shoulders and we were off onto the highway that is known to have killed hundreds of thousands of people. I prayed again and again, and asked for forgiveness from God in every possible form and envisioned how mad my mom would be on the day of my funeral that I actually got on a motorcycle and never told her. As all these fears and images came flashing by me something started happening to me a very unexpected turn of events. My prayers became more positive; I started asking God to bless me with a wonderful life filled with the wonderful freedom I was feeling internally at this very moment. My arms loosened from around mark’s waist and they now leaned casually on his shoulders. My head tilted up towards the sky watching the clouds form all sorts of shapes and animals. I forgot all my fears and I felt like I was one with nature and life. I lost track of life and all my worries and my mind seemed to venture in all the right directions with all the right thoughts and right expectations. Reality would come crashing at me the minute Mark would caress my leg to make sure I was doing fine and I would remember that I was on a motorcycle and not up there in the clouds having an out of body experience. Even when I would come back to reality and notice where I really was, there was nothing but utmost joy in my heart, the fear had dissipated itself into a world that refused to accept its presence anymore.

After half an hour of the most amazing ride of my life, Mark asked me if I wanted a cigarette break and I screamed out loudly “YES” with a giddy smile and a laughter I had no more control over. We stopped, I took of my helmet and started to jump up and down with loving joy. I thanked Mark for making me take this trip with him, I thanked him with all my heart at the amazing experience he just provided me with. My heart was filled with gratitude and love for this man, he took me out of my worries and gave me freedom unlike any other known to man. Once we were done we hoped back onto the bike and I was ecstatic to get back on it again, I could not wait to have the wind blow up against my body or the rush of excitement that came with speed, or the basic feeling of my soul freed outside of my body.

We continued our ride some more and in another half hour found a bike stop over where all the other motorcycles stopped to talk and take a break. As we sat down on a table sipping on our coffees we watched all the other bikers getting ready to leave, and the rush I felt inside as I watched them drive away made me crave to get on the bike again.

A small discussion went on between me and Mike and we both came to terms that it would take us another hour to get to the sea and then another hour to enjoy the beauty of nature and an hour and half to drive back. This was all going to be hard to do before sunset and therefore decided to head back into town and do this trip another day. My heart ached a bit when we decided upon that, I wanted to see the sea so badly, just to complete this wonderful feeling I had inside. I need that final closure to that wonderful ride, and the one way of feeling that and doing it was to actually be by the sea and meditate to the sound of the waves.

As we drove back, I forgot the urge to see the water and the waves and felt elated again to be on the motorcycle. The wind was getting stronger and my body felt that it would fly off the bike at any moment, but I didn’t care the least bit, I was on this bike and my soul was over joyed, I had no fears I only had an abundance of love in my heart and wanted to cherish every second of it.

What I learnt was that fear is conquerable because it is something that does not exists outside of ones mind. Those random images that kept my stomach turned over and my heart racing were only images conjured by my own mind. Once I faced my fear, came terms with it and accepted it as only a fear, I actually broke free of it. It did not exist anymore, it could not exist anymore because all those images fled away and they didn’t stop me from going ahead and doing what the “fear” tried its best to stop me from doing.

Fear froze me yet the conquering of it set me free to find a new hobby that allows my soul to drift off into wonderful realms of my true reality. Bless you Mark for the persistence on getting me on that Bike and thanks for showing me the beauty that exists outside my own mind.

For the Poem Click on ” I must admit 


A meditation for the day

A mini meditation for the day….something i want to keep telling myself and see how my day goes and how i end up feeling if i rid myself of the weight of the responsibility of planning my unknown future.

Allow the universe to do the planning, you might get surprised, it might be much better than your imagination anticipated.

Yet another Mysterious Miracle

I was getting dressed ready to go out for a night filled with two different house parties for the event of the Christmas celebrations. As I was getting dressed I decided to change my jewelry and use something more profound and expensive. I removed my daily watch along with my three bracelets and replaced them with a diamond studded watch and crystal studded bracelet that wrapped itself around my wrist. I placed my watch and three bracelets on my dresser, took one last look at myself in the mirror, rushed out the door and hopped into my car to pick up a friend to head off to my first Christmas party event.

The night was lovely the two parties I attended were great and very different from one another, I mingled with people, I saw old friends and the night turned out to be better than expected. Upon my arrival back home I naturally slid off my high heeled shoes off my feet while I stood in the elevator as it ascended towards my floor and got out my keys. I rushed into my bedroom once I got into my apartment as I started to unzip my dress to relieve myself of its constraints. I threw on my long “man shirt” and slid on my boxer shorts, walked cautiously to the bathroom as my cats hovered between my legs and washed my face and brushed my teeth. Once all was done and I was completely in my comfort zone I decided to remove my jewelry and put on my daily jewelry back on. Since I have an inability to do only one thing at a time, I decided to hurry up my procedure by picking up my watch and bracelets off the dresser, hold onto my night bag, carry my day bag on my shoulder, pick up one of my cats off the floor since I was about to trample over her and walk out towards my living room. I place the three bracelet’s and watch on my center table as I release my cat onto the floor, I put the night bag on my large L-shaped sofa and day bag right next to it. As I slowly bend down to place myself on the couch I pick up my watch and clasp it back onto my wrist. The second my body touches the couch I remember that I forgot to get my hand cream out of the bathroom to moisturize my hands and arms before I put my jewelry back on. So I get up and go into my room and into the bathroom, pick up the hand cream and walk back into my living room towards my heavenly couch.

I am so relieved that I finished everything in fifteen minutes and now I can put on my bracelet’s and take all the items out of my night bag and place them safely back into my day bag. Everything is at hands reach, my bags to my right, my cream held in my hand, the remote controls to the tv and decoder on the center table in front of me and my three bracelet’s on the same center table. Wait a minute…..where are my bracelets? Everything is where I put them except for the bracelets!!!! I jump off the couch and lean my face closer to the center table, as if I have turned blind and the bracelets are the only things I have become blinded to. I sweep my hand all over the surface of the table in hopes of finding them and there is nothing. I go down on my knees and start to rub the carpet underneath my center table and couch hoping I would feel them; maybe they were embedded into my fluffy, hairy carpet? Nothing. I lift up my head to look at the carpet from a further distance and find one of my bracelets randomly thrown a few feet away. I rush to it and put it on, now my hope of finding the rest has grown into a fruitful mission. I sweep the carpet all over again with my hands as I crawl all over it on my hands and knees. Nothing.

I walk back and forth from my living room into my bedroom into my bathroom and back again five times, and still the only thing that I have is the one bracelet safely secure on my wrist.

I decide to stop looking and go back to my errands of creaming my arms and removing my belongings from my night bag into my day bag. I tell myself that “If I am meant to have them they will come back to me” and then I switch on my TV and decoder and start to watch a repeat of “Friends” episode. It’s 2:30 in the morning and I collapse on the couch.

The next morning I wake up forgetting about my two other bracelets. I rush off to the bathroom, clean up myself and that is when I remember that I have two bracelets missing somewhere in the house. I take one more look around the house, this time including the kitchen and still find nothing. I decide to go downstairs for a cup of coffee in my favorite coffee place with my lap top in hand to start my daily writings before my day of errands and people socializing starts.

I spend a good two hours in my favorite coffee shop, tying away, searching the net, answering phone calls and sipping on my second cup of coffee. This is usually the best part of my weekend, the morning coffee alone with my lap top or book, enjoying the scenery of passersby as the wind blows itself through my hair.

Two hours later I decide I have to pay the bill, get off my butt and start getting ready for my social endeavors. as I am walking out of the coffee shop towards the hidden entrance into my building, my day bag on my shoulder and my laptop in my arm I hear someone yell out “Excuse me miss, excuse me” I am baffled and assume it’s not for me. I continue to walk and as I enter the secret door the voice gets louder and closer, I turn around and I find a kind looking man, beaming a smile at me, holding out his hands with what looks like a bracelet dangling from it. “Is this yours?” he says to me. I slowly walk towards him as I squint my eyes at what seems to be my bracelet.

I can’t believe it, it is my bracelet. I move my hand towards it as I touch it I look up at him and say “How did you find it?” and he responds to me with that same constant smile “it fell off the table when you got up to leave” I took it out of his hand, stared at it for a few seconds as I speedily retorted to him “I cant believe this!!!! This is so strange, how is it possible? My God thank you so much” I beam a smile back at him filled with gratitude and wonder. Thank him once more as I whisper afterwards “How is this possible” and walk towards my elevator in utter wonder of the possibilities of finding my bracelet anywhere outside of my house!

Bracelet number three is still missing, but I am sure that somehow it will find its back way to me if its meant to continue being mine.