When does it become unacceptable?

Anger boils over inside of me as Jack asked “Well did he hit you?”

“No” Emily says, surprised that he would even ask that question. Was all what she was saying not enough to walk out on her current relationship? My face was starting to hurt from the frown that had over taken my face for the past half hour, listening to Emily re-tell her story with her husband to Jack as tears rolled down her face. I couldn’t understand why Jack was even asking if her husband was hitting her? What relevance did that have to do with the pain Emily has been suffering for years with this man?

I asked him point blank “What relevance does this have? Is it not enough that He is constantly swearing at her, slamming doors all over the house, being completely impolite to any member of her family or any of her friends that enter her house, he doesn’t give her money to be able to support the house hold requirements and her baby girls requirements yet spends a ton on his friends and his entertainment, he is out partying every single night without her, he doesn’t allow her to go to bars or clubs at night without him even though he does constantly, he has caused his little girl to wake up screaming at night fearing that her father would kill her mother, he sits and does nothing in the house except talk on the phone to his buddies laughing or flipping through tv channels as she keeps running around the house fixing things, he uses his kids for his social outings to be accepted in society, he doesn’t allow her to work so she doesn’t attract the attention of the opposite sex” I take a deep breath in, calm myself down and asked calmly “So answer this Jack, what does it matter, to you, if he hits her or not?” Jack looked at me surprised as though I was asking him a question about giving birth and how he felt during it. I repeated my question to him more aggressively and he finally responded saying “Well since he does not hit her, then they can work things out. hitting her would be unacceptable in every way possible.”

Shocked out of my wits I didn’t know how to answer him back, all that rummaged through my mind was the fact that if a woman ever dared do all that to her husband she would be banished by everyone including her family, they would tell her that it is up to her to make this marriage work. Any man who went to complain about the same things would have given the green light for every human being (male or female) to reprimand the woman until she breaks down in humiliation for her actions. Yet when a woman complains about being mistreated on a daily basis the world tends to stand by his side and ask the woman to accept it as long as she is not being physically abused. She is supposed to take in his infidelity, his rudeness, his verbal condemning ways, his absence physically and financially and only be able to make a valid stand if he went out of his way and hit her.

Strange how this type of injustice is not accepted upon animals and yet upon women it is considered bad, yet not unjust. A woman is put in a position today to accept all that is done to her by a man because he has not physically abused her YET. A woman is expected to be the brains in the family, the glue that holds everything together regardless of what her mental state has become because of all the degrading ways she has been treated.  A woman has to turn a blind eye to her husband having affairs hoping that he will one day come to his senses, but when that day never comes she has to confront him and in return the society gives the excuse of him being a “Man” and men need more than one woman. She is then asked yet again to accept it and be a better wife to her husband cause she was probably the reason he went to another woman for sex. If a woman cheats on her husband she is thrown to the gutters, her kids are taken away from her, her marriage is over, her is shunned out from society with not a single word mentioned that it could have possibly been the husbands fault.

What really gets to me is this, after my talk with Emily and Jack, I found Emily agreeing with Jack, seeing his point of view, assessing the situation and wronging herself the whole time. She provoked his anger, she allowed him to neglect her and stop spending money on her and the family, it was her fault she was too busy taking care of the house and her child and her new pregnancy, of course he would go mad and naturally she thanked God that he never hit her “He is a good man that he never hit me. I would have left for sure.”

And in that ended the whole pain she had been suffering for years with her husband. I later on found out that all her girlfriends gave her a similar advice and sad as it was, women accept this upon themselves. Women will tell women to stick around in a horrible relationship, with a cheating man, with a stingy guy, with a man who has temper management issues and tell the woman it is all in her hands to make this work.

When have we ever become the weaker sex? We are able to give birth, take care of a house, go to work, socialize with the world and sleep for a maximum of six hours a night and still have the ability to do everything and more than any man could even dream of. What happened to reprimanding a man for his misconduct and behavior, who said it was ok? Who said that we were born, as women, to live this way? How come every man gets away with murder and women can’t get away with an extra hour of sleep if needed?

Women know how to build fear in other women, making them accept the unacceptable. Telling them horror stories of what life would look like if she did leave her husband “You will not be able to support yourself, you have not worked for years.” Or “What about the kids? They need a father figure” or “Live with it till your kids are old enough then leave”or “ Who will every marry a woman with children? It is too much baggage. So it is best to stay with the man who helped in procreating them.”

What women don’t understand is this “If women stood up and supported one another and did not accept to be treated in such a disturbing disregard to their humanity then men will have no choice but to stop.” As long as the world accommodates such actions and only the visual physical abuse is the allowed reason to leave a man, women will always be where they are today, and they will keep procreating more men that abuse their women, cause women don’t know how to stand up for their human rights.

If every woman keeps accepting this as a way of life, and if women will always advise women to be the abused member of the family then things will never change and women will always be spat on. Her kids will also treat her with disrespect the way their father had, and they will repeat the same pattern onto their wives in the future and every woman will again tell that woman in pain “It is ok, it is all in your hands, you’re the smarter one. Men are like children let him do his thing, and you stay the good wife, he will come around. As long as he didn’t hit you then you can fix it.”

Emilie’s story is one of the many stories I have came across in all these years of watching and listening to couples. With such sadness I have to say that I might have met one in every 30 marriages where there is a balanced relationship between man and woman. What women don’t understand is this: they are telling their daughters that it is ok to be treated this way and they are telling their sons it is ok to treat a woman this way. They think they are making life better for their children when in reality they are allowing the same patterns to continue to evolve and have no regard to how their daughters will be treated in the future or how their sons will treat women.

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Simplicity of Honesty

Bungalo that i stayed in Maldives

Chocked up……the tears were logged up in my throat making it hard for me to utter a word and so instead I kept waving goodbye to all the islands residence with a forced smile upon my face.

The hardest part about leaving the island was that the people were incredibly nice, unlike anything I had ever met before. Although my trip was only for four days, I have to admit that it took me three days to truly believe these people no ulterior motive other than just simply being nice and wanting to help for nothing in return. Sadly by the time I started to get used to it and I allowed for my defenses to go down I was heading out of the island and back to my regular life. The upside to this was that I didn’t enjoy the freedom of trust for too long therefore not making it hard for me to safe guard myself again with all the necessary weapons to shield me from the hypocrisy and lies that I seem to always be surrounded by.

As I worked on building up my mistrust of others during my plane ride back I noticed a sadness that came along with it. What had happened to the world, where have people left their honesty? As I sat indulged in that thought I realized that all my mistrust was sprouting out of the place I was living in. The dishonesty was in every corner and the people always had an ulterior motive when wanting to interact with me or others. Being one to always fight against dishonesty I tried to maintain my truth with no regard to anyone’s perception of who I am. This method has burnt me out and driven me mad yet I still persist on keeping it as a large part of who I am hoping that one day others will see that truth does not hurt as much as the lies do.

One of the biggest liars I have encountered recently is my boss, an ignorant man who does nothing all day except talk about everyone behind their back in despicable mannerism. I have learnt to shut the door of my office to keep him at bay, yet there are times where he has no decency to stay out, therefore forcing himself into my office space with some new gossip that he is itching to share. On many occasions he has tried to dig me a hole to fall in to In the same manner he does everything else in his life. Since I do have luck on my side I always tend to find out and correct it in front of him and those that were lied to making him get several warnings for his actions. He points the finger at the clients saying they take illegal money yet knowing for sure that he is the one leading the illegality. His hopes and dreams are for me to leave the project yet his kindness in front of me is beyond words always a shock when I find out what was said behind my back.

I built up as much defenses as I could, but at the end only a liar can deal with a liar and proudly I say “I do not resort to lying”. So yes, on my way back from the land of Honesty I was chocked up tears wanted to gush down and the desire to run into the arms of the resort residence was profound, yet I had to have control over my desires. And on the plane I had to let go of the notion of comfort and start my defense mechanism all over again, not knowing what to expect when I get back to work, not knowing what new stabbing mechanism was manufactured in my absence.

The beach right across from the Bungalo...beautiful sand

One thing I have learnt is that only the same types of people know how to get along with one another. An honest person will rarely believe that the person in front of them is lying, it is something they don’t do therefore they don’t detect easily. A person with ethical values have no means of believing that the person in front of them have no ethical values since they themselves only mange life through those values. A jealous person is unable to make sense of a person who feels no jealousy. It is a true fact when it is said that “like stick to like” and if you’re not in rhythm with who you’re dealing with then you will never be able to fight their fight using their weapons cause your weapons are of a different kind only able to be used with your “like”.

Trust in Alex -part 6

Not long after that encounter I slid into an unbelievable sadness internally. The whole conversation that was carried out that day was enough to make me wanna emasculate every male within arms reach.

There was nothing that I could say or do, I was getting the inside scoop from a man and it seems that men had figured out ways to lie so easily and find no reason to stay faithful. I lost hope in the ugliest of ways making me stare at every passing man at work and wonder what his intentions were and who they are sleeping with behind their wives back. My sister was the first one I called up a few days after my conversation with Alex, I need someone to band aid my pink bubble actually I need to find the remains of the pink bubble to be able to band aid it back together again. My loving sister who is married with two kids calmed me down as much as she could possibly have, being a girl herself I didn’t believe she was in on the male secret either and I felt like I was the only one who got to know the ins and outs of what was really taking place in the male mind.

Since I was wide eyed for weeks later and skeptical I actually started to notice that his words were true. I was out on a date one night in a lounge with a singer and people drinking, having fun and dancing at own free will. As I swayed to the music lip singing along with the words of the song “Hey Jude” a large British man came to stand and talk to me and my date. He was obviously drunk and was spitting his words out to us. We laughed at him, but I kept my eye on him as he moved a few inches away from us. I noticed a woman walking up to him slamming her body against his as her hands rubbed up and down his pants. So I thought “how cute love birds.” The next minute i find British guy making a  phone call and a few seconds later  screaming into it “Hi baby, I love you………yes I am out with the guys……..yeah they are singing our song…….” Then he lifts his arm up in the air, phone in hand and starts to yell to everyone in the bar “THIS IS MY WIFE ON THE PHONE….EVERYONE SAY HI TO HER…IT IS MY BIRTHDAY TODAY AND I COULDN’T BE WTH HER CAUSE I AM ON A BUISNESS TRIP” he puts the phone back on his ear to continue to scream words of love to her as the girl that threw herself on him continued to rub him up and down, rotate around him as her body stuck to his, sliding up and down his legs and kissing him on the lips. He didn’t stop her; he kissed back and with his free hand rubbed back. So yes, I had proof that Alex had been right this whole time. This man’s wife trusted that he was having a good time with his buddies; little did she know that he was being rubbed up against and kissed as she was on the phone with him. Needless to say my dates ended pretty fast.

In the months that followed I saw Alex rarely and I was glad of it. His wife delivered their second baby and now they both had to work hard to manage the house and two screaming children. I know that Alex stopped telling me anything after that day because one day when he did come over to my site office he disclosed to me that as he was on his face book  his wife went into his inbox and read a message between him and this girl that made her fly off the handle. I felt a bit of joy internally as I heard him tell me that; hoping that she finally saw him for who he truly was. Sadly that was not the case; he continued to explain to me how he sweet talked her into not believing what she read. He said he took her out for a romantic dinner, bought her a gift and all was well and done, he never left messages in his in box again. I resorted to never speak of relationships with Alex again after that, especially that the very last thing that was said to me on that awkward day was “ Rain if you don’t believe me, then I want you to do one thing for me. Whenever you date someone who is a potential long term guy bring him to me, lets go out together I will get a few of my girlfriends with me and I will test him for you, I will prove to you that in no time he will flirt and be ready to have sex with one of my girlfriends. But don’t worry I wont let him, all I will do is tell one of my girlfriends to send him a discreet message, flirt with him a bit on the table, give him hope of being open to sleep with him and have you watch how he starts reacting to that. I am gonna do this to help you see the truth.” I told him no thanks, I was not interested in that type of test and it ended at that.

Alex and his wife are still together, I don’t know much about what has been going on, Alex has been trying to show me how busy he has been caring for her and his two kids, and I am not interested to hear anything more about it. In a strange way Alex was the one who prompted me to write his story, I had asked him several times if he is sure he wants me to do that, and he insisted on me going ahead and writing it. So here it is, his story and in hopes that for any women who is actually in such a relationship to know that her gut feelings are correct even if she is unable to find the proof cause her partner is a pro at hiding it. I still believe there are good men out there, there must be, there are men who are decent who hold high respect for women and respect for themselves.

Life is interesting, relationships are interesting but i  believe in honesty, if a couple want to go ahead and venture into an experimental world together i have to admit i hold no skepticism in that regard, but once there is cheating which naturally involes lying then i hold a great disrespect for that person especially if it is something they hold proudly in their belt of accomplishments and have no regrets only pleasure that they have gotten away with it again.

 

Trust in Alex-Part 2

Part 2

In the months that came after that I had to move offices and start to work in a site office that luckily I designed making it easier for me to make my office space to my liking. I made sure to have a floor to ceiling window which opens up and allows me easy access to the site and to a small little outdoors sitting arrangement I purchased on my account. There were two major reasons for my mandatory terrace and they were that I loved to smoke and I enjoyed nothing more than sitting in God’s nature outside of the confines of walls. So again, I had two office spaces that were purely for me and whoever came to visit me would end up sitting on my little terrace with a cup of coffee and their cigarette.

As I settled in my new little haven and was pleasantly surprised to notice that a lot of my colleagues that were still situated in the main office came to visit, making the move easier to handle especially when I was starting to have problems with my new manager. Alex was one of those colleagues and later on he was moved to work on a project that was no more than two minutes away from mine, making our meetings more often than with the rest of the gang. I constantly keep myself updated with his life and his wife, always craving to hear the sacrifices and love that was taking place between them. His wife was still in a depression and he was at a loss with what he can do for her. I maintained my admiration over his dedication to his wife and child growing more and more adamant for accepting nothing less in my future life from my spouse.

In the next coming months I asked him if we could all meet up again, I didn’t want to be a pressure on his wife by asking to go out with her for coffee alone especially that she was depressed and probably only wanted to spend time at home. So I went to Alex and asked him to make another outing, maybe there was something I could say that could help her feel better about things, all my friends went through it. It was then that I found out she had left town again cause she was not feeling well and needed to head back to spend time with her family in the states, he was going to accompany her for a week or so in a week or so.

Upon another one of his ventures into my tiny terrace space for a chat and a coffee Alex invited me to meet his friends that were coming into town to visit him. He knew about my traumatic experience with my ex roommate (blog: shocking Truth) and wanted to introduce me to a bunch of nice people for a change. He said I would really like them and that they will be having lunch on the weekend on the promenade under my house. With all honesty I never say no to anyone who asks me to join them especially when it is somewhere on the promenade under where I live. I asked him if his wife will be ok with that and he told me that she will have no problems with it, she liked me and she knows he has lots of girls as friends, so it was no big deal at all since she was out of town and knows his friends who are visiting and had already met me.

As the weekend started getting closer I started to debate the etiquette of actually going out for lunch with Alex and his friends without his wife present, I had only met her once and there was no way on earth I would ever want her to think that I would disrespect her lack of presence. I asked Alex again if Julie truly had no problems and he promised me that she was fine with everything, that she knew he had a full life and knew everything about it, he never lied to her about anything. I was comforted by that notion and put to sleep the nagging feeling I had internally.

At 10:00 am Friday morning I was wide awake, the weekend was here and I was excited to start a fresh day out in the sun. My work had been getting stressful and the challenges between me and my manager were getting out of control, so when the weekend came around I was elated with the sense of freedom. I stepped out of bed, had my morning coffee, my cigarette, played with my cat (it was only one cat at the time) and I started getting dressed for the long awaited lunch. I changed several outfits not knowing which to wear making sure I don’t wear something too provocative yet it needed to also be my weekend clothing style. In the back of my mind I was hoping that the group of friends I was about to meet had at least one Hot guy that had the same lovely traits that Alex possessed. So I was really getting dressed to attract a hotty to me yet not wanting anyone to think that my outfit was to attract Alex to me. At the end I went with what felt comfortable and was my typical weekend attire. I happily skipped towards the elevator as I continued my phone calls with other friends to plan for the rest of my day with them.

Running a few minutes late I hurriedly walked towards their table situated in the exact same spot that me and Julia first met. To my dismay I notice there are only three people on the table and none of them being a hotty. I perk up my disappointment in hopes that some more people will join us later on because Alex did say “Friends” not two friends. I seat my self in the only other available seat (confirming I am the last to attend this lunch) which is situated right in front of Alex. To his left sat a young man that possessed a lanky posture and a thin body frame with a golden wedding ring glittering in the sun light, he seemed like a nice guy but I didn’t feel that comfortable around him. So I turned around to say hello to the woman sitting on my left, making her on Alex’s right internally questioning myself if she were the lanky man’s wife. Obviously she was not, there was no ring there at all. She had a sexy body that she squeezed into a flaming red dress that reached no further than her thigh. The dress was accessorized with a row of buttons in the front making sure to hold both ends of the dress across her body as the gaps between each button were no less than an inch apart showing all the Victoria secrets that lay beneath it. Her face was nothing interesting, actually it was below average and so was her burnet out bleach blond hair. The most obvious thing though was the fact that Alex had seemed to have misplaced his wedding band, and the color difference between the rest of his finger and where his wedding band was meant to be was pretty obvious.

Once I was done saying hello to the woman on my left and the guy on right I looked directly into Alex’s eyes and asked him “Where is your wedding ring?” the shock on my face made him hesitate for a few seconds as he resorted to giving me his answer in Arabic a language the girl next to me didn’t know anything of.

To be continued…….

Quotes I find enlightening

The ugliness of life fades away by tapping in to the adornment of the universe

I have found some quotes that I came across a year ago which i thought were pretty interesting to read. Hope you find enlightenment in at least one of them for your own life journey.

Anger at Lies Lasts Forever. Anger at Truth can’t Last. Greg Evans

Anger and jealousy can no more bear to lose sight of their objects than love. George Eliot

He who angers you conquers you. Elizabeth Kenny

Memory is the mother of all wisdom. Aeschylus

Patience is the companion of wisdom. Saint Augustine

The art of being wise is the art of knowing what to overlook. William James

The wisdom of the wise is an uncommon degree of common sense. Dean Inge

To conquer fear is the beginning of wisdom. Bertrand Russell

When I can look life in the eyes, grown calm and very coldly wise, life will have given me the truth, and taken in exchange – my youth. Sara Teasdale

Is it really relevant to lie to your spouse?

That is a question that has been evident in most of the marriages or relationships I have seen throughout my life, actually in more recent times of my life. How is it possible to establish a strong bond with someone, especially someone you are planning to spend the rest of your life with, upon the knowledge that there will be lies?

Lies come in many different degrees but they all matter and they are all considered lies. We grew up figuring out ways to lie to our parents not to get in trouble or we lie to get to do what our friends are doing that they have not permitted us to do. We learnt that lying gets us places with our parents. When we are asked if we did our homework, we immediately answer “yes” knowing that we will be allowed to do what we wanted to do once our homework was done. We learnt to lie and act sick when we were not in the mood to go to school cause we either had a teacher that hated us, or a friend that was causing agony to us or a crush we had actually liked someone else. We learnt to lie to our parents when all our friends were going out to a bar after curfew hours so that we could be there too, not understanding the reasons behind their constant need to put rules and regulations that other kids didn’t have.

So we have all learnt to lie to our parents to get our way, to receive their approval of who we are and to allow our true natures to blossom without the pressures of what our parents have enforced us to be. These were days of no self identity, if it were not so hard to find yourself and the pressures of what the parents expected out of you, then the lies would have no need to exist as part of your reality.

The question here is “Why would you continue to lie to your partner?” Your partner is someone you chose to spend the rest of your life with, he/she is not a parent holding a book of rules against you. Your partner is someone that should grow with you regardless of who you are and what your preferences in life are. In saying that, I am also stating that one should start a life with someone who has the same ideas, values and ethics; therefore eliminating the reasons for lies.

What is the point in choosing a spouse that would not approve the fact that you drink alcohol, then make sure to live your life proving that you are a saint. Why go for someone who enjoys the comforts of their home when you enjoy the comforts of a night club? What benefit will you get if you decide to express to your future spouse that you love having a family when in reality your need for family is the last thing on your mind? There are a thousand ways couples lie to one another just to be with the person they wish to be with, but these lies continue to grow in time as there are a lot of other things that go hand in hand with the first innocent lie, the true identity of the person who chose to lie.

We are not marrying our parents, there is no right and wrong when you have already grown up and realized who you are and what you are. There is no need to tell your spouse you don’t smoke yet you rush to the bathroom to have a cigarette after every meal as you spray perfume all over the bathroom so your spouse can’t smell it. These are acts we learnt to do with our parents, not acts we do with our partner. There is no need for that specific partner if you find a need to lie about any aspect of your life, your thoughts or what you believe.

Living in the clear is so much easier than living in the dark. We need to disassociate from the confines of our parents and take a look at the freedom we have today, the freedom to make our lives exactly what we want it to be with a partner that lives that same life we have worked so hard to have.