Follow that feeling…Follow that voice

It was a horrible time, I hated every minute of my living arrangements and avoided going back home whenever the opportunity arose. I had been living a lie for a year and had recently come to the understanding that whom I was living with was nothing of who I thought she was. I started developing the inability to look that person in the eye or be in the same space as her, I felt stifled in my own home. I had to leave, I needed my own space, I had to remove myself from the lies and hypocrisy that I was surrounded with night and day.

It all started a month after our move together into a new apartment(full story written in “Shocking Truth”). At first I didn’t like the apartment we had found, I felt a negativity within in it and the sun never visited the large floor to ceiling windows. There was a gloom and the sense of negativity within the space of the living room and the bedrooms. Tracy, my roommate at the time, was loving everything about it and was determined to move in, therefore convincing me on a daily basis that this was the perfect apartment for us. I succumbed to her needs and naggings and we moved in to the gloomy apartment a week after our first visit.

Two nights after moving into the apartment I was awakened by a deep male voice whispering loudly in my ear to go to my bathroom and check out the leakage. As I was over taken with sleep and exhaustion I stumbled out of my bed, walked into my bathroom and found an abundance of water flowing all over its floors slowly pouring itself out into my bedroom. Sandy eyed and exhausted I unhook the leaking pipe, throw a towel on the floor and stumble back to bed. The next morning I wake up unsure if what I did the night before was a dream or reality. As I rush towards the bathroom to check on its situation, I find a towel thrown on the floor and puddles of water proving that the occurrence was a reality. It was at that day that I knew this apartment was coming with its share of bad omens but I was confronted to know that I may have a guardian angel watching over me.

As the weeks passed, strange things started to occur with Tracy, her true nature was showing itself to me yet I was determined not to see it. She used to sit and stare at me, and when I would ask if she was ok, she would rant on about her beauty. Other times I would sit and listen to her ranting on about her friends in the most condescending of manners yet upon their arrival to our home or our meeting them somewhere outside, she would greet them with such warmth and love that I doubted she had ever said anything so heinous about them. She would shamelessly flirt with the opposite sex after convincing me that her abilities with the opposite sex are nonexistent and that she is of great moral value and ethics therefore confirming to me constantly her inability to flirt. She would insist that her religious morals would never allow her to marry someone outside of her religion, yet upon meeting one of her best friends (who was a guy she wanted to marry) her values would change and I would listen to her tell me that if his parents accepted her, since she was of different religion, she would leave her family behind and her religious standards. When she noticed that me and her guy best friend talked easily to one another cause we were childhood friends, she would tell me that he is not a man worthy of even being friends with as she would make plans with him behind my back telling me other tales instead. She would try to prove her loyalty to me by never attending an outing that included my ex husband, but then when me and my ex tried to date again she flirted with him in ways that made me confused over what her words would say and her actions were doing.

With all that, I was still trying my best to believe that her words were what I was to believe in and not her hypocrite like actions. Then one day, I find out, by pure luck, or through the guardian angel I thought I had, that her venom was spewing towards me. The tender words, and confessions of loyalty and friendship were all a farce, the same way it was a farce with everyone around her. As I had learnt the hard way, what she was doing to everyone was being done to me and it was the greatest day of awakening to me. I was living with someone who held no moral grounds, who had no ethics and who lied with such great abilities that only a person living with her was able to see it after a whole year. I confronted her with all her lies and naturally she denied all of it. Upon my second confrontation, there were truths that she was unable to hide and begged me to stop repeating all the things that have been cleared to me in the last months. After that was done, I told her we need to split up, that I am unable to live with a person of her caliber and ethics. She insisted that we should stay living together, hoping that I was the fool I had been for the last year, or the same fool her friends were for years. As she confessed her love to me, and hugged me I felt a pang of pain in my heart for her, yet no less than 24 hours later I heard more things she was saying about me and I ended it all. I told her I will be leaving her, that I want nothing to do with her, and I warned her that Karma was a bitch, she had done so much wrong for so many people that it will all come falling down on her. I stormed out of the house, spending the next coming nights at my sister’s house to avoid any more contact with Tracy and I started my house hunt.

I walked into so many different apartments, I called so many different agents to show me what is available. I had a friend who was a real estate agent and had him find me an apartment. There was nothing that felt right, there was nothing that bought the sunlight in and made me feel fresh and alive. A week into it, my real estate friend found me a beautiful one bedroom apartment that was exactly in the location I had wanted, on the floor I dreamt of having and with a full sea view that takes your breath away. With finding what I wanted, I arrived back to my doomed home with Tracy and told her that I will be moving out within the week. For some reason I felt sorry for her, and she started to ask me about apartments too since she didn’t want to stay in this one alone and she couldn’t afford it alone. So I started to give her the names of the real estate agents I used and started to tell her about all the apartments I saw, giving her the building names and the apartment numbers for her to check them out. I still could never live with her, knowing who she really was, but I still didn’t mind helping her. So we became respectful of one another and I gave her all the help I could to find her a new apartment.

I went to see that one bedroom apartment that I loved everyday, just to make sure that it was the one I wanted to live in, but there was always something nagging me not to live there. The energy was not something I felt comfortable with although everything else was exactly what I was looking for. I was done with looking around, but I was feeling like there was something else for me, and that this apartment will bring sadness into my life. I wanted to get out of my apartment and out of Tracys life style and so I tried to ignore my nagging feeling of looking around some more.

In a matter of days, I heard something else that Tracy was saying about me and I lost my mind totally. I stormed into the house and lost all control of my language and words, everything I felt in my heart came pouring out and I slammed the apartment door shut as I drove to my sisters house. It was time for me to leave, I needed to leave this very minute. I decided to go for the one bedroom apartment that I liked just to get out. I stopped my search and was ready to make the payments for my new apartment when I receive a message on my phone. My father had come across a real estate agent who has some apartments in the location I wanted. Out of complete despair and to please my dad I called the guy. He was a scrawny little guy, I met him and he took me to several apartments, one of them being the one bedroom that I was about to sign the contract for. I looked around the apartment and thought to myself “This must be the one for me since it is the third time it has been shown to me, although I feel that its energy is not that good” that is when he told me he has only one more apartment to show me. I told him I was not interested since I am probably going to take this one. He says ok, but then tells me that I should still look at it since I have seen everything else why not just try this last one.

I walk into that one last apartment and I loose my senses, this was the apartment all along, this was the one my heart and soul kept telling me to wait for. Upon my first step I feel the energy pulling me towards it, the sunlight is beaming through all the windows, the panoramic windows have nothing to show me other than the blue waters of the sea. It is the same price of the one bedroom I was about to take but this one had two bedrooms. It was what I had always had in mind, it felt right on so many levels, it was mine to have.

A few days later I was moving all my things out, joy in my heart at the miracle that just took place. I was free of gloomy apartment, I was free of Tracy and her life style, I was free to allow miracles back into my life. When things in life start looking so ugly, and people start to show their true colors, you must know that it is time for a change and the universe is pushing you in the direction to make that change. Once you accept it and embrace it, what your heart desires comes into fruition and the change is a welcomed blessing.

This is one of my miracle stories, this is something that makes me remember that I need to always follow my gut feeling, and that I should never settle for anything less than what my true self knows I should have. Listen to that soft whisper, pay attention to a nagging feeling and make sure to follow your heart s it tells you the truth before you incorporate a new person or life style into your life.

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Desired Fruit

I am the desired fruit……. only when unattainable

A forgotten fruit …….once attained,

That is the mystery of the life we live in.

In my comfort in being single and the desire to stay that way, I must have ignited a fragrance within my energy field that sweeps itself under the nostrils of all mankind. I have become a yearning need for passersby, a challenge to the ones I have no interest in and an object to possess to those that belong to someone else.

What I find interesting is that when I needed a partner, lover, soul mate, husband, boyfriend or a confident I was presented with men that I had no interest in initially. In the desperate need to have someone share my daily escapades I would accept their approaches to fill in the gap I felt I had within myself. I was sure the gap was because I couldn’t find Mr. Right; never did I think that the gap was because I couldn’t find myself.

Now that I have no interest to share my time with anyone but myself, I find that men‘s attraction towards me has escalated to suffocating degrees, making me want to stick to my singlehood even more. It is a mystery why that happens, I have read a tone of books regarding finding your soul mate, I have read and researched high and low, at the end everything came down to the one same sentence “You will get it when you’re not looking for it, when you stop wanting it”. That never made sense to me, I had refused to believe in it with all my heart, what would I want with something that I stopped wanting?

Today, as I watch the difference in attitude of my surrounding environment, it somehow brings light to what everyone has been saying. Yet, I have lost all interest in venturing into the world of couple hood. My heart beats fast when I think that someone may enter my world, I don’t want it, I want nothing to do with it, I am a person who is content with the pleasure of finding herself outside of the confinements of a man.

To fight for my freedom to be single provokes an aroma towards the opposite sex, whispering to them “get that girl, start the hunt.” I refuse to be pursued cause of the energy of freedom I am emanating; I decline any approaches that come in that form. When I am ready to have my “perfect one” in my life that is when I will emanate the aura of openness to the confinements of a man and break free of giving up on the world wide concept of “I must lose interest in something I desire to be able to attain it.” I refuse to conform to the chase of me when I don’t want it, I will rejoice in knowing that I will have my freedom to choose who I want cause they want me, and not cause they want me cause they can’t have me.

I will be the desired fruit….he will be the desired fruit…..we will both attain and maintain.

Music-Grenade …..WAW

I am driving back home today and i come across this song on the radio and think WAW……how amazing, what a love song. Yes it has been a long time since i have heard love songs.

Bruno Mars also has other songs which i will also post, it’s interesting how he has decided to do love songs and really nice ones too where it is simple and not all sexually oriented, more of the pure love we all remember back in high school.

enjoy 🙂

If you want it click this : Grenade Bruno Mars Doo – Wops & Hooligans-

Easy come, easy go
That’s just how you live, oh
Take, take, take it all,
But you never give
Should have known you was trouble from the first kiss, Had your eyes wide open –
Why were they open?
Gave you all I had
And you tossed it in the trash
You tossed it in the trash, you did
To give me all your love is all I ever asked, Cause what you don’t understand is
I’d catch a grenade for ya (yeah, yeah, yeah)
Throw my hand on a blade for ya (yeah, yeah, yeah)
I’d jump in front of a train for ya (yeah, yeah , yeah)
You know I’d do anything for ya (yeah, yeah, yeah) Oh, oh
I would go through all this pain, Take a bullet straight through my brain,
Yes, I would die for ya baby ; But you won’t do the same

No, no, no, no
Black, black, black and blue beat me till I’m numb Tell the devil I said “hey” when you get back to where you’re from
Mad woman, bad woman,
That’s just what you are, yeah,
You’ll smile in my face then rip the breaks out my car
Gave you all I had

And you tossed it in the trash

You tossed it in the trash, yes you did
To give me all your love is all I ever asked Cause what you don’t understand is
I’d catch a grenade for ya (yeah, yeah, yeah)
Throw my hand on a blade for ya (yeah, yeah, yeah)
I’d jump in front of a train for ya (yeah, yeah , yeah)
You know I’d do anything for ya (yeah, yeah, yeah) Oh, oh
I would go through all this pain, Take a bullet straight through my brain,
Yes, I would die for ya baby ; But you won’t do the same

If my body was on fire, ooh You’ d watch me burn down in flames You said you loved me you’re a liar Cause you never, ever, ever did baby…
But darling I’ll still catch a grenade for ya
Throw my hand on a blade for ya (yeah, yeah, yeah)
I’d jump in front of a train for ya (yeah, yeah , yeah)
You know I’d do anything for ya (yeah, yeah, yeah) Oh, oh
I would go through all this pain, Take a bullet straight through my brain,
Yes, I would die for ya baby ; But you won’t do the same.
No, you won’t do the same,
You wouldn’t do the same,
Ooh, you’ll never do the same,
No, no, no, no

Empower your innerself with this…..

 
 

                                                                                                                                                                                                     

Three years ago, when life was still a blossom of hope and love, I had a set belief that women were strong enough to walk out on any man if they were not treated with utmost respect and compassion. Friends who would complain to me about their boyfriends were given a long lasting lecture about the rights of women and how we are mistreated in the world we live in today. It was always easy for me to walk out of a relationship if I felt discomfort or mistreatment in any form. Yes, I had a little bit of patience, therefore having the ability to forego my initial assessment of the guy and try different ways to believe that he was “The One”. This endeavor would last no more than 3 months.

Usually after the first three weeks I would had already known that the person I am seeing at the time is not right for me, but ,as you already know, I hardly ever followed my gut feelings and always resorted to my mental assessment of maybes. As this is the way I work around things, I then spend a good two months or less trying my utmost best to convince myself that I am with the right person, catching glimpses of things I liked in them and trying my best to discard of all the things I disliked about him. My friends would reprimand me telling me “You just stay with them even though you know that they are not the ones for you. Why do you do that?” as I try to explain my well calculated logic to them, which always includes self blame, they continue to believe that I have an amazing tolerance for something I know that I don’t want. What they never knew was that I have an ailment which I like to call “Guilt” (read post: My ruling planet is guilt) and something else that I never knew I had was; lack of self confidence in following my inner knowing.  I prolong the breakup until I reach my limits and always tend to walk out with an explosion of words that I was unable to say at the time it was most needed. The one thing that they never really paid close attention to was the fact that I was out of there within the span of three months, making it obvious to all that my patience level is pretty short, but my official walk out on the relationship takes pretty long.

In saying all that and explaining my lack of acceptance of a female being destroyed by her male partner, I came across a song that empowered me when I needed reinforcement and external support for my inner knowing. I used to blast this song, like every song I get obsessed with, in the car, at home, in my ears through the iPod. This song would surround me, and I would offer it to the man to listen to a week before I was at the brink of walk out on him.

 As I sat in my crisp clean apartment, watching the snow trickle past my window I pick up the phone after the second ring. It was one of my best friends that lived in the states and our phone calls were a constant remedy of comfort to the both of us. She complained about the man she was dating at the time, she was horrified at her lack of taking a stand for her natural human rights. The phone call lasted two hours filled with all the right emotions leading to a breakup. First came the complaints as the stories splurged out of her then confusion took over with a variety of questions, as reality starts to slowly seeps its way into the conversation the hurdles of tears take over. Once the tears end and the sniffling begins a harsh aggressiveness grabs hold of her voice as she swears at him and confirms that she is gonna give it one more try with the new methods we just discussed over the phone. Towards the end of the conversation the melt down begins and an assertion that she must leave him becomes her new reality. Right before we shut the phone I ask her to listen to a song that will empower her in maintaining her new resolution and keep her on track of what she is worth.

A few months later she had left her man and I had started dating MJ (read Post: Happily Ever After). MJ lived in New Jersey and I was living in Montreal at the time, so our relationship during the week was based on an abundance of phone calls that usually lasted no less than six hours in the span of a day. At the very early stages of our romantic venture we discussed our personal relationship hardships. Since our phone calls always lasted so long a week into our long distance relationship MJ discussed the hardship one of his girl colleagues was having with her boyfriend at the time. He told me about how mistreated she was, that she was being used for sex and nothing else, how he tried to talk sense into her for months but it was useless she was madly in love with him although it was obvious to all that he didn’t love her. He told me how she would cry at work explaining her boyfriends misconduct with her, she told him how she would cry to him and he would always say “I am sorry” and yet nothing would come out of it. We discussed her at random for a good few days after that. I felt so sorry for her, but I also lost respect for her, I lost respect for a woman I never met before having no understanding to the fact that she was being abused. I wanted her to get out of that horrible relationship, I wanted her to walk out on him and find someone who deserved her.  During the last conversation we ever had of her, I told MJ to let her hear a song that will allow her to remember her importance. To stop listening to void promises, to just walk out, to not want to hear his pleading cries of a new change in attitude when it was obvious that it will never happen. I was told by MJ that he told her about the song, but as I have yet to see any honesty being a part of MJ’s reality, I doubt that he ever gave her the song to listen to.

Another R Young painting

Sadly enough the day came when I needed that song more than anything in the world. I heard it every time I would get a glimpse of how unfortunate my future might look if I stay with MJ. With horror I was starting to understand where all those girls were coming from. The confusion in trying to find the reality of my situation as opposed to the illusion I have been hypnotized to believe in were making me unable to take an assertive decision. Unlike any of my other relationships, I was still confused three months into the relationship. It felt like I was under a drug of some sort, a delusional drug. Or maybe it felt like someone was purposefully putting rat poison in my food in small dosages to kill all my internal functions numbing me of any ability to retaliate and figure out what was really happening. The days where the rat poison was forgotten and not administered into my food intake; I would blast this song, and scream at the top of my lunges at the injustice that was taking place in my life. Other times I would play it for MJ, screaming out the words to him, unknowingly waking him up to the fact that he had forgotten to administer his daily dosage of rat poison therefore giving me double the dosage to make me drift back into the numbness I had gotten so used to living with. This song had worked for most of the women once they heard it, what I couldn’t understand was why the song was not working for me! Today I am able to admit that the mental and emotional abuse I withstood was way above the average abuse most women had lived through, at the time all I felt was remorse for all the times I judged those women for being weak. I still feel remorse towards them but extremely happy that at the time when I was fully in control of my heart and my mind I was able to help them walk out on something that could have destroyed them forever.

I had never tasted the soul tearing anguish of heartbreaking tears before; I was one to pride myself on the strength I possessed at leaving behind a relationship with no regrets. With MJ everything changed and the little hope I had in myself vanished with all my confidence and philosophies on life. I had a few other songs that I had used as my mantra that also withered with time and I lost the ability to hear them making me remorse my old self because I was too ashamed to hear them with the same conviction I used to hear them before.

A year later, when the rat poison started to show itself in all the foods I was fed and MJ was becoming reckless with his long term plan for me, i started to listen to that song again. I had an array of songs that I started to listen to again, and I tried my utmost best to regain the memory of who I used to be before MJ. The entirety of the song were words I wished to say to him, I wished to say them with the same indifference in my voice, I wished to spew them out of my gut and lavish him in them. I was able to relate to every single word and I wanted nothing more in my life than to gain the full ability to walk out on MJ with none of my guilt issues that he had fed lovingly throughout the year.

This is the song that I dedicate to any woman who feels that she is being treated unfairly by her man. This is a song that should bring a beam of light at the end of the tunnel, it should make every woman aware that we all have had a bad man in our lives and a lot of women were as strong as the words of this song to simply walk out. You should know that you are as strong as all those powerful women and have the full ability to walk out to on anything that could be causing you a molecule of pain to your dignity, mind and heart.

Click this if you want it: Sorry
Je suis désolée
Lo siento
Ik ben droevig
Sono spiacente
Perdóname
I’ve heard it all before
I’ve heard it all before
I’ve heard it all before
I’ve heard it all before
[repeat]
I don’t wanna hear, I don’t wanna know
Please don’t say you’re sorry
I’ve heard it all before
And I can take care of myself
I don’t wanna hear, I don’t wanna know
Please don’t say ‘Forgive me’
I’ve seen it all before
And I can’t take it anymore
You’re not half the man you think you are
Save your words because you’ve gone too far
I’ve listened to your lies and all your stories (Listened to your stories)
You’re not half the man you’d like to be

I don’t wanna hear, I don’t wanna know
Please don’t say you’re sorry
I’ve heard it all before
And I can take care of myself
I don’t wanna hear, I don’t wanna know
Please don’t say ‘Forgive me’
I’ve seen it all before
And I can’t take it anymore

Don’t explain yourself ’cause talk is cheap
There’s more important things than hearing you speak
You stayed because I made it so convenient (made it so convenient)
Don’t explain yourself, you’ll never see

Gomen nasais [Japanese. English translation: “I am sorry”]
Mujhe maaf kardo [Hindi. English translation: “Please forgive me”]
Przepraszam [Polish. English translation: “I’m sorry”]
Sli’kha [Hebrew. English translation: “Forgive me”]
Forgive me…

(Sorry, sorry, sorry)
I’ve heard it all before
I’ve heard it all before
I’ve heard it all before
[repeat]

I don’t wanna hear, I don’t wanna know
Please don’t say you’re sorry
I’ve heard it all before
And I can take care of myself
I don’t wanna hear, I don’t wanna know
Please don’t say ‘forgive me’
I’ve seen it all before
And I can’t take it anymore

I don’t wanna hear, I don’t wanna know
Please don’t say you’re sorry
(Don’t explain yourself cause talk is cheap)
I’ve heard it all before, And I can take care of myself
(There’s more important things than hearing you speak)
I don’t wanna hear, I don’t wanna know
Please don’t say ‘forgive me’

I’ve heard it all before
I’ve heard it all before
I’ve heard it all before
I’ve heard it all before