When does it become unacceptable?

Anger boils over inside of me as Jack asked “Well did he hit you?”

“No” Emily says, surprised that he would even ask that question. Was all what she was saying not enough to walk out on her current relationship? My face was starting to hurt from the frown that had over taken my face for the past half hour, listening to Emily re-tell her story with her husband to Jack as tears rolled down her face. I couldn’t understand why Jack was even asking if her husband was hitting her? What relevance did that have to do with the pain Emily has been suffering for years with this man?

I asked him point blank “What relevance does this have? Is it not enough that He is constantly swearing at her, slamming doors all over the house, being completely impolite to any member of her family or any of her friends that enter her house, he doesn’t give her money to be able to support the house hold requirements and her baby girls requirements yet spends a ton on his friends and his entertainment, he is out partying every single night without her, he doesn’t allow her to go to bars or clubs at night without him even though he does constantly, he has caused his little girl to wake up screaming at night fearing that her father would kill her mother, he sits and does nothing in the house except talk on the phone to his buddies laughing or flipping through tv channels as she keeps running around the house fixing things, he uses his kids for his social outings to be accepted in society, he doesn’t allow her to work so she doesn’t attract the attention of the opposite sex” I take a deep breath in, calm myself down and asked calmly “So answer this Jack, what does it matter, to you, if he hits her or not?” Jack looked at me surprised as though I was asking him a question about giving birth and how he felt during it. I repeated my question to him more aggressively and he finally responded saying “Well since he does not hit her, then they can work things out. hitting her would be unacceptable in every way possible.”

Shocked out of my wits I didn’t know how to answer him back, all that rummaged through my mind was the fact that if a woman ever dared do all that to her husband she would be banished by everyone including her family, they would tell her that it is up to her to make this marriage work. Any man who went to complain about the same things would have given the green light for every human being (male or female) to reprimand the woman until she breaks down in humiliation for her actions. Yet when a woman complains about being mistreated on a daily basis the world tends to stand by his side and ask the woman to accept it as long as she is not being physically abused. She is supposed to take in his infidelity, his rudeness, his verbal condemning ways, his absence physically and financially and only be able to make a valid stand if he went out of his way and hit her.

Strange how this type of injustice is not accepted upon animals and yet upon women it is considered bad, yet not unjust. A woman is put in a position today to accept all that is done to her by a man because he has not physically abused her YET. A woman is expected to be the brains in the family, the glue that holds everything together regardless of what her mental state has become because of all the degrading ways she has been treated.  A woman has to turn a blind eye to her husband having affairs hoping that he will one day come to his senses, but when that day never comes she has to confront him and in return the society gives the excuse of him being a “Man” and men need more than one woman. She is then asked yet again to accept it and be a better wife to her husband cause she was probably the reason he went to another woman for sex. If a woman cheats on her husband she is thrown to the gutters, her kids are taken away from her, her marriage is over, her is shunned out from society with not a single word mentioned that it could have possibly been the husbands fault.

What really gets to me is this, after my talk with Emily and Jack, I found Emily agreeing with Jack, seeing his point of view, assessing the situation and wronging herself the whole time. She provoked his anger, she allowed him to neglect her and stop spending money on her and the family, it was her fault she was too busy taking care of the house and her child and her new pregnancy, of course he would go mad and naturally she thanked God that he never hit her “He is a good man that he never hit me. I would have left for sure.”

And in that ended the whole pain she had been suffering for years with her husband. I later on found out that all her girlfriends gave her a similar advice and sad as it was, women accept this upon themselves. Women will tell women to stick around in a horrible relationship, with a cheating man, with a stingy guy, with a man who has temper management issues and tell the woman it is all in her hands to make this work.

When have we ever become the weaker sex? We are able to give birth, take care of a house, go to work, socialize with the world and sleep for a maximum of six hours a night and still have the ability to do everything and more than any man could even dream of. What happened to reprimanding a man for his misconduct and behavior, who said it was ok? Who said that we were born, as women, to live this way? How come every man gets away with murder and women can’t get away with an extra hour of sleep if needed?

Women know how to build fear in other women, making them accept the unacceptable. Telling them horror stories of what life would look like if she did leave her husband “You will not be able to support yourself, you have not worked for years.” Or “What about the kids? They need a father figure” or “Live with it till your kids are old enough then leave”or “ Who will every marry a woman with children? It is too much baggage. So it is best to stay with the man who helped in procreating them.”

What women don’t understand is this “If women stood up and supported one another and did not accept to be treated in such a disturbing disregard to their humanity then men will have no choice but to stop.” As long as the world accommodates such actions and only the visual physical abuse is the allowed reason to leave a man, women will always be where they are today, and they will keep procreating more men that abuse their women, cause women don’t know how to stand up for their human rights.

If every woman keeps accepting this as a way of life, and if women will always advise women to be the abused member of the family then things will never change and women will always be spat on. Her kids will also treat her with disrespect the way their father had, and they will repeat the same pattern onto their wives in the future and every woman will again tell that woman in pain “It is ok, it is all in your hands, you’re the smarter one. Men are like children let him do his thing, and you stay the good wife, he will come around. As long as he didn’t hit you then you can fix it.”

Emilie’s story is one of the many stories I have came across in all these years of watching and listening to couples. With such sadness I have to say that I might have met one in every 30 marriages where there is a balanced relationship between man and woman. What women don’t understand is this: they are telling their daughters that it is ok to be treated this way and they are telling their sons it is ok to treat a woman this way. They think they are making life better for their children when in reality they are allowing the same patterns to continue to evolve and have no regard to how their daughters will be treated in the future or how their sons will treat women.

Farm or City?

Our life experiences are based on our way of life. What we say and do come back to us in one way or another. If we believe in ourselves then everything we do is right, there is no fear, there is no worry, there is only self confidence in the choices we make. To hear your own voice is all that matters for no one else lives your life or has your wisdom.

Living on a farm or living in a city have a great distinction between them and show a slight resemblance of a congested mind and an intuitive mind. In a city there is noise pollution that scatters your thoughts and allows for nothing other than everyone else’s voice to overpower your own caring voice. In a city you are rushing from one place to the next getting your job done, errands run, obligations met and in all this people are chattering away giving advice where it is not needed, assuming they know best, and therefore diluting your own trust within yourself. Time becomes something you try to find yet discover that it’s meaning has been lost to you. What is expected of you has stopped you from doing what is expected from yourself to you. You glimpse a sight of what you want your life to look like and you feel that you can breath again. Yet a second later  a whirlwind of clatter over powers that desire and it is lost amongst the bustle and noise emanating from those around you who ridicule your thoughts and the sight of your own breath of fresh air.

In the Farm you are free to hear yourself contemplate and understand what is good or bad for you. There are only animals around that say nothing more than offer their love to you for the simple act of feeding them and caring for them. In return you are left to listen to your mind as it ventures into a world of its own where the decisions are based on your own internal voice that you have come to believe in and trust. You move with your instincts towards your fields of green in knowledge of when to water them and when to walk away. You hear the sound of your breathing and the whispers of the butterflies as they pass you by. In an ability to sit and think you realize what your dreams are and grow strong in your beliefs, for there is no one there who can contaminate those desires and the conviction of your thoughts.

I long to be a farm, where I am left to my own accord and rid myself of the fear of change or the fears that have been bestowed upon me by those who love me the most.

Ecstasy at its Best


The fear over took me as I lifted one leg up placing it carefully on a tiny little pedal as the other leg flew over the narrow seat and rested on the opposing  pedal. My hands grasped Mark’s shoulders as I slowly sat down on the narrow leather seat. I felt like chocking up, I was unable to breath, the large helmet closed around my face, cradling my chin and covering my ears and cheeks only allowing a narrow opening for my eyes to see and nose to breath. I asked Mark repeatedly “Are you sure this is safe? The last time I did this I was nine years old.” And Mark kept reassuring me “Trust me it is very safe, you will feel the freedom you have always longed for”

As Mark started to move very slowly with his motorcycle I relaxed for a few seconds giving full and utter trust in Mark’s abilities and the fact that he has been riding since a very young age. Just as I was starting to talk myself into the reliability of what I was on, I found my legs thrown off of the pedals and crashing against the cement floor as the motorcycle fought to hold itself up. I got off the bike in a heart beat as Mark tried to lift it off its tilted angel with all the strength he had in his legs. Once the bike was up again, standing the way a bike should stand I hesitated for a few seconds before hoping back on it. I didn’t want to make Mark feel that he was not competent at what he loved to do the most and yet the fear of my life being under someone else’s hands was overwhelming. Needless to say, the need and desire to make Mark feel that I still trusted him over took my fear and I was back on the bike, pretending like nothing happened. As we started to drive off again, this time moving a lot faster I felt my heart was gonna throw itself outside of my chest and give up on me.

“Why do I always do that to myself?”  I wondered “Why is it always someone else’s feelings that I worry about a lot more than mine?” I was afraid, so afraid all I was able to do was come to terms that this was how I was gonna die. I kept repeating prayers in my mind and heart as my arms wrapped themselves around Mark’s waist. I kept asking God to forgive all my sins and forgive any bad I had done in my life, and as I kept praying and visualizing my death we came to a halt and I was surrounded by other bikers all parked in front of a bike store chatting away and purchasing things for their bikes. Once we were off the bikes, Mark took off and went inside the store to check out helmets as I stood outside observing all the people around me, watching their facial expressions and seeing them wave a polite hello to me. Mark appeared again and asked me to go in the store with him and check it out, I obediently did that, out of worry of being left alone with the death machine.

Against all my wishful prayers, we got on the bike again and this time I was sure we were gonna die. Mark was a pro at driving a Harley and I should have felt safe internally, the anguish was beyond my understanding, the images in my head were overwhelming me as the wind crashed itself against my face and body. We stopped again at a gas station before our long trip to the sea, he asked me again at the gas station if I was ok and up for the ride and humbly I said “Yes I am ready for it” unknowingly to him that I had come to terms that God had planned my death on that very day, on that motorcycle, on a long desert road towards the sea that I was sure I would never see.

The Harley was filled up with gas, our helmets were back on our heads, my hands were balanced on marks shoulders and we were off onto the highway that is known to have killed hundreds of thousands of people. I prayed again and again, and asked for forgiveness from God in every possible form and envisioned how mad my mom would be on the day of my funeral that I actually got on a motorcycle and never told her. As all these fears and images came flashing by me something started happening to me a very unexpected turn of events. My prayers became more positive; I started asking God to bless me with a wonderful life filled with the wonderful freedom I was feeling internally at this very moment. My arms loosened from around mark’s waist and they now leaned casually on his shoulders. My head tilted up towards the sky watching the clouds form all sorts of shapes and animals. I forgot all my fears and I felt like I was one with nature and life. I lost track of life and all my worries and my mind seemed to venture in all the right directions with all the right thoughts and right expectations. Reality would come crashing at me the minute Mark would caress my leg to make sure I was doing fine and I would remember that I was on a motorcycle and not up there in the clouds having an out of body experience. Even when I would come back to reality and notice where I really was, there was nothing but utmost joy in my heart, the fear had dissipated itself into a world that refused to accept its presence anymore.

After half an hour of the most amazing ride of my life, Mark asked me if I wanted a cigarette break and I screamed out loudly “YES” with a giddy smile and a laughter I had no more control over. We stopped, I took of my helmet and started to jump up and down with loving joy. I thanked Mark for making me take this trip with him, I thanked him with all my heart at the amazing experience he just provided me with. My heart was filled with gratitude and love for this man, he took me out of my worries and gave me freedom unlike any other known to man. Once we were done we hoped back onto the bike and I was ecstatic to get back on it again, I could not wait to have the wind blow up against my body or the rush of excitement that came with speed, or the basic feeling of my soul freed outside of my body.

We continued our ride some more and in another half hour found a bike stop over where all the other motorcycles stopped to talk and take a break. As we sat down on a table sipping on our coffees we watched all the other bikers getting ready to leave, and the rush I felt inside as I watched them drive away made me crave to get on the bike again.

A small discussion went on between me and Mike and we both came to terms that it would take us another hour to get to the sea and then another hour to enjoy the beauty of nature and an hour and half to drive back. This was all going to be hard to do before sunset and therefore decided to head back into town and do this trip another day. My heart ached a bit when we decided upon that, I wanted to see the sea so badly, just to complete this wonderful feeling I had inside. I need that final closure to that wonderful ride, and the one way of feeling that and doing it was to actually be by the sea and meditate to the sound of the waves.

As we drove back, I forgot the urge to see the water and the waves and felt elated again to be on the motorcycle. The wind was getting stronger and my body felt that it would fly off the bike at any moment, but I didn’t care the least bit, I was on this bike and my soul was over joyed, I had no fears I only had an abundance of love in my heart and wanted to cherish every second of it.

What I learnt was that fear is conquerable because it is something that does not exists outside of ones mind. Those random images that kept my stomach turned over and my heart racing were only images conjured by my own mind. Once I faced my fear, came terms with it and accepted it as only a fear, I actually broke free of it. It did not exist anymore, it could not exist anymore because all those images fled away and they didn’t stop me from going ahead and doing what the “fear” tried its best to stop me from doing.

Fear froze me yet the conquering of it set me free to find a new hobby that allows my soul to drift off into wonderful realms of my true reality. Bless you Mark for the persistence on getting me on that Bike and thanks for showing me the beauty that exists outside my own mind.

For the Poem Click on ” I must admit 

Music-Tonight I am Loving you

Driving in my car listening to the news and feeling the weight of the world descend upon my heart i decided to change the channel and listen to something to uplift my state of mind. To my greatest surprise Enrique came blasting out of the radio and i found my cheerful song 🙂

Enjoy 🙂

Buy it -Tonight (I’m Lovin’ You)

I know you want me
I made it obvious that I want you too
So put it on me
Let’s remove the space between me and you
Now rock your body
Damn I like the way that you move
So give it to me
Cause I already know what you wanna do

Here’s the situation
Been to every nation
Nobody’s ever made me feel the way that you do
You know my motivation
Give in my reputation
Please excuse I don’t mean to be rude

But tonight I’m loving you
Oh you know
That tonight I’m loving you
Oh you know
That tonight I’m loving you

You’re so damn pretty
If I had a type than baby it’d be you
I know your ready
If I never lied, than baby you’d be the truth

Here’s the situation
Been to every nation
Nobody’s ever made me feel the way that you do
You know my motivation
Given my reputation
Please excuse I don’t mean to be rude

But tonight I’m loving you
Oh you know
That tonight I’m loving you
Oh you know
That tonight I’m loving you

[Ludacris]
LUDA..
Tonight I’m gonna do
Everything that I want with you
Everythin that u need
Everything that u want I wanna honey
I wanna stunt with you
From the window
To the wall
Gonna give u, my all
Winter n summertime
When I get you on the springs
Imma make you fall
You got that body
That make me wanna get on the boat
Just to see you dance
And I love the way you shake that ass
Turn around and let me see them pants
You stuck with me
I’m stuck with you
Lets find something to do
(Please) excuse me
I dont mean to be rude

But tonight I’m loving you
Oh you know
That tonight I’m loving you
Oh you know
That tonight I’m loving you

Through the unexpected came Hope

It has been a while since I have attempted to write, a drastic change took hold of my life and there were things I needed to handle and take care of that were out of my control.

Twelve days ago the people of my country started protests against the government and their 82 year old president. The protestors were refined in their demands until the looters started taking control of the demonstration forcing the peaceful protestors to take a different approach to the regime. People were defending their homes and their families against the escaped convicts and the hooligans let loose on the streets.

 In complete panic I called up my mom to check up on her as I would hear the loud gun shots in the background. Nothing seemed real, I felt that my reality was stripped away from me and everyone I loved was trapped in the most shocking of situations.

For years the elite residence of Cairo have been worried that the large starving population of Egypt would revolt against them but no one really put much of those fears into consideration since the Egyptians were developing a very passive attitude towards their circumstances. The rich were getting richer and the poor were getting poorer, until Twelve days ago when the fears of the past 5 years came with a blast.

In spite of what everyone was worried about something beautiful arouse from the situation at hand, all of Egypt united as one; the young and old, the rich and poor, the intellect and the ignorant all held hands in demand of a new Egypt, a new life. The bond grew stronger amongst the people once the prisoners and hooligans were set loose on the streets threatening the lives of those protestors and their families more so once the Egyptian police forces vanished into thin air leaving the people to fend for themselves.

During all this chaos my concern was my mother who was completely alone in Cairo at the time with no one to help her or care for her. Action had to take place to get her to the UAE as soon as possible especially that me and my sister both lived there. I was also worried sick over my best friends not knowing how to help them all into safety praying that God protects them and all of the people of Egypt.

With some amazing help from a spectacular young man we were able to get my mom out of Egypt into the safety of the UAE. Also only a few of my best friends made it out giving me some comfort yet still feeling painful agony for all the rest that were still stuck in Egypt. Constant phone calls were made to check up on everyone and I got to feel through those phone calls the magnitude of love everyone had for their country again.

For years Cairo had lost the spark that brought me to it in the first place, for years I was unable to walk down the streets knowing that I will be harassed by beggars’ and hopeless people. My car would be spat on at times when I would be heading off from one place to the next; people were losing their charm becoming aggressively rude and hurtful. I had moved back to Cairo more than 9 years ago because I felt safe on the streets, people laughed regardless of their situation, if I were to be harassed by anyone I would find a bunch of men attacking the harasser to get him off my case. Cairo with all its other problems never lacked the amazing spirit of its people that kept everyone going back for more.

What took place twelve days ago has given the people of Egypt their reason to live again, a purpose with hope of a better life that was lost to them for more than 20 years. Their oneness is unlike any other, they have bonded as one again fighting for the same cause, supporting one another regardless of what their financial status is. As for me, my love for Egypt has grown ten folds over in the past twelve days, and my desire to go back has over powered my logical thoughts.

As I watch the news and see all the familiar streets I weep in sorrow at the chaos taking place not comprehending what is happening and why? A peaceful protest turned into chaos ruining the beauty that started the whole thing. Yet with all that, the people have gotten stronger, the energy has proven to the world that the Egyptians are a great nation cause of the incredible courage they had in facing their fears and conquering them.

I miss my country, I miss my people, I miss my friends and most of all I miss the spirit of the Egyptians that at last has surfaced again after years and years of poverty and neglect. Through the unexpected arose a new meaning to life to what was a hopeless state.

How a Movie can move us

Movies hold a great power in the internal sense of human beings; they can provoke a person to cry, to laugh, to make new decision in life, to change their fashion statement or to even alert them to work out an internal issue. The type of movies I love the most are the ones that motivate people to follow their dreams and never give up regardless of all the difficulties that may face them in the process, and these movies are often based on a true story, which provides more of an attraction for me to watch them.

Yesterday after a very long stimulating day I was unable to use my mind for anything other than staring at a blank wall or zoning out into a movie. I chose to stare at a blank wall which resulted in allowing my mind to race a thousand miles a minute with thoughts and solutions to problems, so I decided to go with the second option, watching a movie.

The movie I chose made me cry with tears of joy, scream with excitement when needed and expand with determination to follow my passions regardless of what is expected and not expected of me. I understood that once the heart speaks louder to your soul than all the external voices there is nothing that can silence the heart. I came to terms with the fact that no one really knows what is best for me and what my abilities are more than myself. I realized that the root I have recently decided to take was entirely up to me and no matter how strange it may look to everyone on the outside I was following my own truth.

After I was done with the movie and all the tears of joy had seized I knew without a doubt what my purpose in life has always been. It felt like everything I had been searching for and wondering about came into made complete sense. There was a passion inside of me that had purpose, meaning and a reason for existing.

“I am able to do anything I want.”

“I am smart enough to make it a success”

“I am free to use all my talents towards my passion and KNOW it will work wonders”

I sat with no one but my own head that evening and I reflected back into the main character of the movie. She was a simple woman who had four kids, a loving husband and her role in life was a mother, wife and home carer. One day, through a simple event of fate, she found herself motivated in ways unknown to her or her family to save her father’s Horse Farm from being sold to the lowest bidder.  Although everyone was against her especially those she thought would stand by her, she still perused taking care of the Horse farm. Her stamina was incredible in trying to manage both her home and her new found determination and passion.

At the end, with everything going against her except for her assertive conviction to follow through and make it work she ended up being the brilliant Penny Chenery Tweedy who accomplished in guiding her stallion,Secretariat , to win the unbeaten record of the Triple Crown. Her bond and love to her stallion is breath taking and it gave a new found admiration for the human/animal bond and the loyalty found in that bond that is unfortunately not found between human and human.

Looking into my cats eyes after that move i tried to bond on a deeper level as Penny had done with Secretariat and proudly i realized that the bond had always been there only realizing today the magnitude of it at a completely different level of awareness.

Secretariat DVD

Insightful Remedies

There are times we feel really good and there are times we feel really bad. We are human and that is the human condition. There are those who watch for the patterns and those who neglect the patterns. How do we detect those patterns and where do we start……

1- I truly believe that your body manifests sickness to get you to pay attention.

2- Your always thinking of what it is you need to do to, as opposed to just following your heart even if it doesn’t make sense…

3- Be brutally honest with yourself.

4- Stop conforming to what you think you need to do.

5- Listen to your body…it’s giving you an opportunity to change, to get back to your heart.

6- Life has a way of repeating the same or similar situation until we learn.  You don’t have to DO anything.  Just observe, be aware and listen, because i really believe if you’re feeling unhappy inside there’s something you’re not being honest with yourself about.

7- You might be suppressing something; like when I suppressed knowing that my ex-husband wasn’t a healthy relationship/that we weren’t meant to be) notice patterns in your life and how you’ve handled them, notice how your body has been reacting to them and see how that can help you in future decisions.

 

Small Haven of heaven

I keep blinking my eyes unsure if what I am seeing is real or just a figment of my imagination, pictures I have stared at for years are actually surrounding my environment and have somehow become my reality today. Huge Leaves that tower over me from enormous trees make me wonder if I have travelled to a world made especially for the age of the dinosaur. What I remember being small shrubs in other countries have grown as large as the size of the trees I was accustomed to. Palm trees are over whelming in their variety, the assortment of colors in which flowers come in are making it impossible for my eyes to adjust or get used to their beauty. I am at complete and utter awe with the transparent aqua colored water that goes out so far into the distance as it neatly merges itself with the ever clear blue skies that I am unable to tell where one ends and the other begins.
Little baby sharks glide peacefully within the same space I have chosen to swim in. Sting rays maneuver themselves smoothly by me as they glide ever so slowly into the sand and then float back out only to continue their water cruise. Fish of transparent colors follow one another in a tranquil, silent manner. The sand is so white and fine as it curves itself lovingly on my feet with every step I take towards my bungalow. The sun is strong, striking its harshness upon my skin only to find the coolness of the sand below me always ready to absorb its ruthless intensity.
A bridge connecting the two islands together help me go from one lushes island to the next as the waves decide to help with my journey they crash themselves against the rocks that lie still underneath the bridge. The glorious sun has decided to rest and slowly ventures downwards towards the edge of the light blue waters bidding farewell to a hard day’s work. As it starts to descend it gives one last farewell to its viewers, a gesture unlike any, it covers the sky with colors of purple, pink and red, some yellow for effect then it disappears.

In the darkness I walk back to my bungalow, lead by the light of the moon and the ever so evident stars, a fruit bat flies up above and another comes squeaking by. My two year old niece puts her tiny hands in to my hand, staring up in awe at the largeness of the bats and in fear of the dark. We tread slowly back not wanting to hurt any over sized insects on our way. At last we are back at the bungalow with joy in our hearts and love to offer all that need it, we sit peacefully on the large terrace expanse staring out into the open space that has slowly started pouring its heavenly water over our bamboo shade.

The beauty of my Planet X

I was reading through all my previous articles and i realized i loved this one so much, that i had to re-post it again 🙂

Within the last three years my life took a detour unlike any I had ever encountered in the 32 years I had existed on this earth.

I had lived a life filled with love, hope and dreams of pink ponies and a prince on a white horse. I believed in all the beauties of the great possibilities of what the future may hold for me. My existence was based on love; love of others, love of life and most importantly the belief in everlasting love with my soul mate. I believed in every cell of my body that my soul mate was just a step away from me, I dreamt of it and at times I felt it. I dreamt of my happily ever after as I basked in the comforts of security and financial bliss provided to me on a silver platter by my parents.

Life was a pink bubble of dreams waiting to happen. I lived in my heart, I lived in my soul and I lived most of my time in my thoughts; a place my family used to call “Planet X”. I spent 80% of my time on planet X and I utterly relished every moment of it. On my private planet I had a beautiful home that was white in color in the rare areas in which something other than glass windows showed. It possessed a beautiful large dark wooden terrace that wrapped itself around three quarters of my glass home. My home over looked the most luscious green fields on one side and faced the wide ocean expanse on the other side.   A cobbled street lead up to my front door as it settled itself amongst an array of fruit trees providing a colorful design to the surrounding fields of green. Butterflies flew haphazardly on top of an abundance of wild flowers that continuously swayed with the soft chilled breeze that blew across the sea. There were Small colored shops filled with the smiles of potential buyers and the hopeful sellers. There were a small variety of restaurants that were embedded underneath the gushing flow of a tempress waterfall.  I had horses and ponies that knew me by my fragrance and raced towards me when I would enter their fields of freedom to welcome me into their world. I had peace, love, happiness and honesty amongst everyone that lived on planet X. Most importantly my Planet X gave me the ability to see my real world with peace, love, happiness and honesty.

For the last three years I have been trying to find Planet X, I try to sit on my own to conjure it back into my life; sadly I have realized that Planet X has left me, it spat me out of its heavenly comforts. It left me to fend for myself; with no more fruitless hope on the great possibilities of a dream like future to go back to.

I miss planet X, I miss my outlook on life and I miss having trust and belief in the good of others. Within the last three years I had married a man I believed to be my soul mate, no later than eight months I was demolished and divorced the cruelest man I had ever encountered in my whole life.  That was the first sign of the hazy disappearance of my Planet X, as it still remained a part of my life, but a lot less vivid, I believed that things will only get better after the biggest crush of my life. Sadly, I made another wrong choice as I was still trying to believe in the good in humanity. I chose to share an apartment with a woman who showed nothing but kindness and love for me, to discover a year and a half later that she was disclosing my pain to others and destroying my reputation using tactfully planned lies for no reason other than preserving her need to make her surrounding environment believe the lie of the person she really was. Once I had gotten back on my feet again trying to bring into my life my Planet X in hopes of reviving my bright hopes of the future again. To my dismay it took a few months to find my Planet X, and this time around I noticed how its previously vibrant colors were diminishing behind a grey colored smog. It was hard to acquire hope or muster up any positive outlook on humanity. During that period in my life, my only sanctuary was my work, I had a passion for it unlike anything else, and any possibility of ever leaving it was deleted by my abundance of loyalty I had for it. After pouring my heart and soul into my work and proving myself completely competent of all the tasks that were under my scope and out of my scope of work I was pleased to know that my company decided to hire a new member into our wonderful team. A few months down the line, the new member’s attitude started to slowly creep its way into my professional life, I was unable to comprehend what he was trying to do. He smiled with earnest in front of me as he praised my continuous ability to make things happen at work. To my dismay, as time elapsed, I found that most of the jobs that I was handling were nowhere to be seen, he was discarding of me, and hating my tremendous closeness to all the people I worked with and for. He took work away from me telling me it was taken care of while making others believe I was not competent enough to do the work. He never once confronted me with anything, his mode of communication with me consisted of nothing more than jokes, gossips and continuous praise. The work environment became competitive and it lost all the beauty of group work. I had to watch my back with my every move as I monitored his every move, suspecting all his underlying truths knowing they were all lies. I fought like a lioness protecting her cubs, not succumbing to a bully trying to demolish all the hard work I had slaved for in two years. He was tranquilized for a few months until his strength was built again, taunting me with the same methods in a much sneakier way this time around.

As I continued fighting my work battle I lost total faith in humanity and planet X had completely disappeared. I could not even access it anymore for I was unable to sit with myself for more than five minutes. A month after my first confrontation at work took place my parents got divorced and I lose sight of everything I ever held close to my heart. My sanctuary, my security and my home were gone. All what I believed to be real was erased from my being and there was nothing to hold onto anymore.  From a life of complete love, acceptance, support, humanity, respect, values, loves from great men, friends that were devoted to my friendship and an artistic business that I owned; came the forceful gush of the harsh doors of emotional and mental hell. Of course planet X disappeared from my existence as I had come to understand that I don’t believe in it anymore. My three year experiences showed me a side to humanity that I had never known existed before. Those devastating three years poured its black gunk all over my beautiful pink bubble, over powering all the beauty that lived within it.

Today as I am still battling the dark disappointments within me, I have missed Planet X with all the innocence it had provided me with. I want to go back to Planet X, I am working hard to seduce it back into my life, I am exhausted of disappointment, I am tired of sadness and I am open to all the upcoming experiences that I must face. I have come to terms with a few of my disappointments, knowing that today I am fully aware of what I DO NOT want in my life giving me more clarity to the things I truly cherish and want in my life.

I am able today to see my planet X, i actually can touch it every once in a while and it is a welcoming feeling that i have longed for. My planet X has found it’s way through all the mess and has started to cleanse my soul bit by bit and with every breath i take it filters me with hope and love and removes all the dirt and dust.

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Does he like me?

There have been many occasions in my life where i had been oblivious to the fact that there was some guy really interested in me. I have only been taught through the movies and music that when a man is interested they pursue a female by constantly being around and pushy. As it so happens i have learnt on several shocking encounters that a man pursuing a female may come in many different shades and colours outside of the specific order in which my mind was convinced it should be presented in.

On some occasions the guy would say nothing, and this could go on for years, me assuming them just friends, some times talking to me, other times not putting in that much effort to talk, so the pattern never fell directly into the rhythm i was used to. Others would put in crazy effort for the first few days and then pull back drastically only to be fully aware of my presence if we were to bump into one anther at some party. Strangely there were others who ignored me completely and would make sure to avoid contact with me, and if there just so happened that i needed to ask that person a question they would retort back rudely and walk off, leaving me there feeling offended and hurt. And there are those who you see every few weeks, have a great chat, exchange numbers and occasionally hear from them.

What i came to learn later on in life, and through the voicing of those men’s feelings, that there is no specific pattern that a man follows if he likes you. Years or months later i find out in the most bizzarest of ways that one of the many strange incidents was because the guy liked me or still likes me and decided to confess to me his ailment  in the most unexpected of ways. In always being the type of girl that ends up dating the great pursuers i have finally realized that the adamant pursuit is nothing more than a male ego that needs to feel empowered with the challenge of getting the girl, having nothing worthy to offer later on. As for the men who pace themselves and love you from a distance, watching you and making sure that they are not pushing you away, well, they are the ones to actually pay attention to and give a bit of your time to.

Again i am trying to find a pattern because i need to always know things before hand, i need to be able to calculate and follow a pattern to be able to make better understanding of my situation. Sadly, yet in a freeing way, there is no pattern or a certain way to know who likes you and who has no interest in you, as far as i am concerned the men i thought are not interested in me turned out to be interested but never pursued it the way i expected to be pursued.

I must admit though, the pursuit is thrilling and to be pursued is nothing more than foreplay to the inevitable acceptance of going out on that first date.

Love Calculator
Quiz – Does He Like You?

Click the quiz above and have some fun, maybe there is a pattern and this quiz can help you figure out if that guy likes you or not 🙂