Vanishing Time


In a world where “time” seems to vanish into thin air while “things to do” keep lingering on with constant hope of catching “time”, I am left to wonder where is time vanishing too?

The alarm rings at 8:00am and I keep snoozing it for an hour hoping to get more sleep yet dreading the wasted minutes that are passing me by. That hour of snoozing is a restless hour, filled with thoughts and continues demands to enjoy my sleep. A battle deep within me makes it impossible to fall back into the wonders of my dreams and away from the schedules of my reality.

I finally push the covers off my body, jump out of bed and rush to the bathroom. It is at this point on that I am unable to relax, every minute counts, every second makes a difference and the whole schedule starts to form itself accordingly. I flip through my clothes in the closet in hopes of finding something I feel comfortable with, knowing that I will be out of the house all day with no hope of coming home to take an hour break I had to choose something that would last me all day long.

Within 10 minutes I am done getting dressed and go off into the TV room to have my mug of coffee and cigarette before I have to rush out of the house. I walk into the TV room to find my mom already there fully dressed and sipping on her coffee in delight watching the news channel. I sit with her as we have a quick update of both our mornings and then immediately finish off my coffee as I move myself towards my laptop to check my e-mails, wondering if there is anything that needs to be done before I have to leave. As it just so happens, there is always something to be done, and so in complete indulgence I dive into work mode, hearing nothing and answering no one. My mom tries to open topics with me and all that keeps coming out of my mouth are the words, “yes”, “oh”, “really” and “hmmmm”. Recently I have learnt to add the word “no” to my response system since I had found myself saying “yes” to things I have no interest in doing or the time to do.

Hours keep passing by as work over takes my entire soul, i can’t seem to stop, I can’t find a way to stop. One thing takes me into the next and into the next and in no time 3 hours have already passed and I haven’t seen the streets yet. I am already running late, my phone won’t stop ringing and I finally pick it up to go through all my bbm’s, my missed calls and any sms’s. I roll away from my desk, switch off the lap top, and rush back into the bathroom to wash my face again, brush my teeth and put on my flip flops. I return back to the tv room to pack up my lap top to take it to work with me and to my dismay my mom has a list of things she wants of me. I stand there on edge, all that is running through my mind is “I have no time, I have no time, I have no time.” Therefore I have not heard 50% of what was requested of me. I kiss her good bye and rush out the door carrying my lap top and hand bag that weights a 100 kilos from the weight of all the notebooks and books I have wedged into it.

At last I am on the road, its already 1:00pm and I am so far away from where I should be. The traffic is insane and I know that I am spending a good hour, if not more, on the road. I pick up my phone, attaché the head set to it and go through all my missed calls and unanswered bbm’s. As I am driving at no more than 3 miles an hour I am able to return all my phone calls and respond to all the bbm’s and sms’s.  Finally an hour later I arrive to work excited to get hold of my lap top again and start working on all the things that I had to cut short to get out of the house. As I park the car and walk towards my work in the Art Café I am bombarded by a whole bunch of people who are there taking classes or asking about the classes we offer there.

Quick summary about my job: It’s a place that me and two other friends decided to open together, a place where people can go and enjoy a few hours in a very artistic environment that provides nothing but art. It was 7 years ago that the idea became a reality and its been taken care of solely by one partner. I had spend a good two years in it then I left town for a good 5 years and finally my partners decided to convince me to come back and be fully involved. I came back to an amazing environment that was filled with people and over 30 different types of creative art classes. Our business had expanded and all the people in Cairo knew the name “Art Café”. I was so proud of my partner, she had done a great job at marketing the place and I was wondering how we were making no profit at all. That is when my role came in, I needed a base for it, a solid base, formats, schedules, prices, cost estimates etc….New branches needed to open up, yet was impossible to do with the lack of any profit we were receiving. We were requested to be more available in different areas in Cairo. We needed to expand in so many ways and that is when all the work began. On the other hand I also had my passions that I needed to pursue, reiki and NLP coaching. And so I revamped a room to turn it into a quiet reiki and NLP room.

So going back to the day: As I walked in to the Art Café I realized that getting any work done on my lap top was going to be near impossible. There were workers there renovating the space outdoors, there were workers inside painting the walls. There were children working on an array of art projects, adults coming in to take their art classes and the whole staff running around like headless chickens. Luckily my partner is there also and we try to find any place to go and have a quick update on the new upcoming art season, to no avail. We are able to exchange a few words every few hours, as we are being asked a tone of other things to do and work on.

By 7pm the day has calmed down and there is just one class taking place and the Art Café is silent with the amazing background music taking over the silence. I take out my lap top and with a joy in my heart, I take a seat to get some work done. I look at my phone and realize there is a whole new set of bbm’s, and missed calls. I decide to return the calls which eat up another hour of my day as the evening plans with friends take place. I do a few NLP’s on friends over the phone to help them out with a few issues and work on 1 or two people in Art Café who need a quick reiki for a certain emotional or physical pain.

Its already 8:30pm and I have not worked on any of the things I needed to work on, my own personal deadlines. I close my lap top, pack my things, say bye to everyone still working in Art Café and head off to my social outing. Another hour in the car, and this time I choose to hear my music blaring on blast to stop my brain from thinking. The music provokes more thoughts and so as I sit stuck in traffic I take out my note pad and jot down all the things running through my mind, my schedule gets even larger.

Finally I get to my destination point, hop out of the car, leave my lap top in the car, take my hand bag as the phone is wedged between my shoulder and my right ear talking to my friends, figuring out where they are located. As I walk in, I take a deep breath and realize what a great feeling it is to disconnect and just hang out with my friends for a bit, somewhere outside of work and all the work things I can’t stop thinking about.

The evening turns out to be very interesting, different friends join in as others leave and I find myself sitting there for at least another 3 hours, enjoying every minute of it. It’s already past 12:00am and I start itching to leave, worried about my sleep and the morning snooze. I finally get up, get in my car again and head home. It’s around 1:30 am as I park the car, exhausted and totally burnt out, my eyes burn, my head is throbbing and my shoulders are completely knotted up.

I get home, go into my bedroom and rip the clothes off my body as I rush to get into the shower. the excitement of putting on my pj’s is overwhelming and I relish every item I put on. Sleep has left me, and I am wide awake again, I go into the tv room, my mom is already fast asleep and so I have time on my own, time to just flip through he tv channels and zone out into a good show or movie. My cats greet me with an amazing amount of love as I take out their brushes and start to groom them while I watch something interesting on tv. Once done, I flop on the couch and get into a state of mind filled with nothing but interest in what I am watching.

Its 2:30 am and finally I am sleepy again, I switch off the tv set, say good night to my cats and head towards my bedroom. I cozy up inside the covers, take out my eye glasses, pick up my book that is perfectly placed on my bedside table, and I start to read. No less than half hour later my book has returned to its designated spot, my glasses are thrown into their box and I am fast asleep, inside my world of dreams and love.

Things are still pending, time has passed me by, and I have gotten only 60% of things done. Time seems to pass me by, life seems to fly by without my being able to catch it. If only I can find Time, if only I can hold it down and tell it to wait…wait for a bit…..wait for me….wait I have so much I have to do, so many things I want to do…..STOP and wait for me.

When does it become unacceptable?

Anger boils over inside of me as Jack asked “Well did he hit you?”

“No” Emily says, surprised that he would even ask that question. Was all what she was saying not enough to walk out on her current relationship? My face was starting to hurt from the frown that had over taken my face for the past half hour, listening to Emily re-tell her story with her husband to Jack as tears rolled down her face. I couldn’t understand why Jack was even asking if her husband was hitting her? What relevance did that have to do with the pain Emily has been suffering for years with this man?

I asked him point blank “What relevance does this have? Is it not enough that He is constantly swearing at her, slamming doors all over the house, being completely impolite to any member of her family or any of her friends that enter her house, he doesn’t give her money to be able to support the house hold requirements and her baby girls requirements yet spends a ton on his friends and his entertainment, he is out partying every single night without her, he doesn’t allow her to go to bars or clubs at night without him even though he does constantly, he has caused his little girl to wake up screaming at night fearing that her father would kill her mother, he sits and does nothing in the house except talk on the phone to his buddies laughing or flipping through tv channels as she keeps running around the house fixing things, he uses his kids for his social outings to be accepted in society, he doesn’t allow her to work so she doesn’t attract the attention of the opposite sex” I take a deep breath in, calm myself down and asked calmly “So answer this Jack, what does it matter, to you, if he hits her or not?” Jack looked at me surprised as though I was asking him a question about giving birth and how he felt during it. I repeated my question to him more aggressively and he finally responded saying “Well since he does not hit her, then they can work things out. hitting her would be unacceptable in every way possible.”

Shocked out of my wits I didn’t know how to answer him back, all that rummaged through my mind was the fact that if a woman ever dared do all that to her husband she would be banished by everyone including her family, they would tell her that it is up to her to make this marriage work. Any man who went to complain about the same things would have given the green light for every human being (male or female) to reprimand the woman until she breaks down in humiliation for her actions. Yet when a woman complains about being mistreated on a daily basis the world tends to stand by his side and ask the woman to accept it as long as she is not being physically abused. She is supposed to take in his infidelity, his rudeness, his verbal condemning ways, his absence physically and financially and only be able to make a valid stand if he went out of his way and hit her.

Strange how this type of injustice is not accepted upon animals and yet upon women it is considered bad, yet not unjust. A woman is put in a position today to accept all that is done to her by a man because he has not physically abused her YET. A woman is expected to be the brains in the family, the glue that holds everything together regardless of what her mental state has become because of all the degrading ways she has been treated.  A woman has to turn a blind eye to her husband having affairs hoping that he will one day come to his senses, but when that day never comes she has to confront him and in return the society gives the excuse of him being a “Man” and men need more than one woman. She is then asked yet again to accept it and be a better wife to her husband cause she was probably the reason he went to another woman for sex. If a woman cheats on her husband she is thrown to the gutters, her kids are taken away from her, her marriage is over, her is shunned out from society with not a single word mentioned that it could have possibly been the husbands fault.

What really gets to me is this, after my talk with Emily and Jack, I found Emily agreeing with Jack, seeing his point of view, assessing the situation and wronging herself the whole time. She provoked his anger, she allowed him to neglect her and stop spending money on her and the family, it was her fault she was too busy taking care of the house and her child and her new pregnancy, of course he would go mad and naturally she thanked God that he never hit her “He is a good man that he never hit me. I would have left for sure.”

And in that ended the whole pain she had been suffering for years with her husband. I later on found out that all her girlfriends gave her a similar advice and sad as it was, women accept this upon themselves. Women will tell women to stick around in a horrible relationship, with a cheating man, with a stingy guy, with a man who has temper management issues and tell the woman it is all in her hands to make this work.

When have we ever become the weaker sex? We are able to give birth, take care of a house, go to work, socialize with the world and sleep for a maximum of six hours a night and still have the ability to do everything and more than any man could even dream of. What happened to reprimanding a man for his misconduct and behavior, who said it was ok? Who said that we were born, as women, to live this way? How come every man gets away with murder and women can’t get away with an extra hour of sleep if needed?

Women know how to build fear in other women, making them accept the unacceptable. Telling them horror stories of what life would look like if she did leave her husband “You will not be able to support yourself, you have not worked for years.” Or “What about the kids? They need a father figure” or “Live with it till your kids are old enough then leave”or “ Who will every marry a woman with children? It is too much baggage. So it is best to stay with the man who helped in procreating them.”

What women don’t understand is this “If women stood up and supported one another and did not accept to be treated in such a disturbing disregard to their humanity then men will have no choice but to stop.” As long as the world accommodates such actions and only the visual physical abuse is the allowed reason to leave a man, women will always be where they are today, and they will keep procreating more men that abuse their women, cause women don’t know how to stand up for their human rights.

If every woman keeps accepting this as a way of life, and if women will always advise women to be the abused member of the family then things will never change and women will always be spat on. Her kids will also treat her with disrespect the way their father had, and they will repeat the same pattern onto their wives in the future and every woman will again tell that woman in pain “It is ok, it is all in your hands, you’re the smarter one. Men are like children let him do his thing, and you stay the good wife, he will come around. As long as he didn’t hit you then you can fix it.”

Emilie’s story is one of the many stories I have came across in all these years of watching and listening to couples. With such sadness I have to say that I might have met one in every 30 marriages where there is a balanced relationship between man and woman. What women don’t understand is this: they are telling their daughters that it is ok to be treated this way and they are telling their sons it is ok to treat a woman this way. They think they are making life better for their children when in reality they are allowing the same patterns to continue to evolve and have no regard to how their daughters will be treated in the future or how their sons will treat women.

Farm or City?

Our life experiences are based on our way of life. What we say and do come back to us in one way or another. If we believe in ourselves then everything we do is right, there is no fear, there is no worry, there is only self confidence in the choices we make. To hear your own voice is all that matters for no one else lives your life or has your wisdom.

Living on a farm or living in a city have a great distinction between them and show a slight resemblance of a congested mind and an intuitive mind. In a city there is noise pollution that scatters your thoughts and allows for nothing other than everyone else’s voice to overpower your own caring voice. In a city you are rushing from one place to the next getting your job done, errands run, obligations met and in all this people are chattering away giving advice where it is not needed, assuming they know best, and therefore diluting your own trust within yourself. Time becomes something you try to find yet discover that it’s meaning has been lost to you. What is expected of you has stopped you from doing what is expected from yourself to you. You glimpse a sight of what you want your life to look like and you feel that you can breath again. Yet a second later  a whirlwind of clatter over powers that desire and it is lost amongst the bustle and noise emanating from those around you who ridicule your thoughts and the sight of your own breath of fresh air.

In the Farm you are free to hear yourself contemplate and understand what is good or bad for you. There are only animals around that say nothing more than offer their love to you for the simple act of feeding them and caring for them. In return you are left to listen to your mind as it ventures into a world of its own where the decisions are based on your own internal voice that you have come to believe in and trust. You move with your instincts towards your fields of green in knowledge of when to water them and when to walk away. You hear the sound of your breathing and the whispers of the butterflies as they pass you by. In an ability to sit and think you realize what your dreams are and grow strong in your beliefs, for there is no one there who can contaminate those desires and the conviction of your thoughts.

I long to be a farm, where I am left to my own accord and rid myself of the fear of change or the fears that have been bestowed upon me by those who love me the most.

Small Haven of heaven

I keep blinking my eyes unsure if what I am seeing is real or just a figment of my imagination, pictures I have stared at for years are actually surrounding my environment and have somehow become my reality today. Huge Leaves that tower over me from enormous trees make me wonder if I have travelled to a world made especially for the age of the dinosaur. What I remember being small shrubs in other countries have grown as large as the size of the trees I was accustomed to. Palm trees are over whelming in their variety, the assortment of colors in which flowers come in are making it impossible for my eyes to adjust or get used to their beauty. I am at complete and utter awe with the transparent aqua colored water that goes out so far into the distance as it neatly merges itself with the ever clear blue skies that I am unable to tell where one ends and the other begins.
Little baby sharks glide peacefully within the same space I have chosen to swim in. Sting rays maneuver themselves smoothly by me as they glide ever so slowly into the sand and then float back out only to continue their water cruise. Fish of transparent colors follow one another in a tranquil, silent manner. The sand is so white and fine as it curves itself lovingly on my feet with every step I take towards my bungalow. The sun is strong, striking its harshness upon my skin only to find the coolness of the sand below me always ready to absorb its ruthless intensity.
A bridge connecting the two islands together help me go from one lushes island to the next as the waves decide to help with my journey they crash themselves against the rocks that lie still underneath the bridge. The glorious sun has decided to rest and slowly ventures downwards towards the edge of the light blue waters bidding farewell to a hard day’s work. As it starts to descend it gives one last farewell to its viewers, a gesture unlike any, it covers the sky with colors of purple, pink and red, some yellow for effect then it disappears.

In the darkness I walk back to my bungalow, lead by the light of the moon and the ever so evident stars, a fruit bat flies up above and another comes squeaking by. My two year old niece puts her tiny hands in to my hand, staring up in awe at the largeness of the bats and in fear of the dark. We tread slowly back not wanting to hurt any over sized insects on our way. At last we are back at the bungalow with joy in our hearts and love to offer all that need it, we sit peacefully on the large terrace expanse staring out into the open space that has slowly started pouring its heavenly water over our bamboo shade.

I long…I am alive

I am born to live, to smell the scent of nature gathering itself within my soul, to live between the earth and the universe.

I am alive to feel the caress of the sun on my tender skin, the whisper of the wind as it glides itself across my face, the scent of pine trees swiftly moving from the outside of me to the inside of me.

I am free to walk this earth with my arms cast upwards towards the sky allowing its magical energy to surround me. I am free to allow my soul to sour with ecstasy as my feet tred softly on the musty grass allowing the earth to rejuvenate my spirit.

The green that surrounds me has opened the doors of life to the inner most sadness within me. I wake up to the knowledge that I am one with nature as I step out of my room, onto a balcony overtaken by vines of green. I take a seat on the cushioned metal chair as I rest my morning tea on the adjacent table. I breath in and move my eyes upwards towards the ongoing horizon. An abundance of green is all around me, trees of yellowing leaves play with the wind as they find themselves falling towards the earth. An array of yellows, reds and browns cover the damp grass that has lovingly accepted the autumn leaves to lay upon it.

I feel nothing but joy and harmony, how can nature penetrate the soul so easily? How is it possible that with all the bad in life, a simple time with Green is all it takes to ease the pain and remove the hurt.

I long to find my waterfall; I long to search the landscape for the sound of gushing water, to replace the sound of hollowness within me that seems to find no other home to go to but within my body, within my soul.

I wish i May…..

I wish I may ,I wish I might, have these wishes with love and light………

As I sit in the abyss of my thoughts, I take another puff of my on going addiction, I dream of all the things I wish to have and the life I wish to live and I start to write my wish list…

I live in a house by the beach where the sea water curves itself against the rocks and pulls back and forth from the shore. The sky is always clear with a soft breeze that constantly carries the scent of the salty air towards me. The steady sound of a not so distant movement brings serenity to my inner being, as if I own the sounds of the waves in my backyard.

 

I live only minutes away from a cobbled street town where the coffee shops face one another and the small and tall buildings tower over them. As I walk towards it I always stop on the road to take a look at my breathtaking view that seems to always bring me a new internal pleasure. I stop to admire the nature that surrounds my area where the vibrant green grows on mountains which in turn engulf the flow of the ocean as it enters the city’s outskirts.

I wake up in the morning  getting ready for my new day as I long to bask in the sunlight that penetrates through my window smelling the freshness of the salty air caress itself against my skin. It is my daily reminder of gratitude and thankfulness for the life I have finally bought into my life.

 

 

When I need to watch people from the comforts of my home, all I need to do is walk outside as I stand on my small terrace waving hello to all those I know and providing a smile to those I don’t.

 

When I need to absorb the power of nature, I take a walk towards a close by area as i sit on one of nature’s formed rocks, look up at the sky and know that I am one with nature as my feet absorb the energy emanating from its ever so powerful force. I hear the sound of the flow of a river and smell the freshness of green.

 

At other times when I need to leave the world behind for a few hours, I take my car and drive towards my secret place, a place of water, green, flowers and rocks. I sit there to contemplate, to write, to paint and sometimes to get resolved.

 

There is a port close by where the boats take off and the fishermen head to work, I sometimes go out to fish to generate the possibilities of internal peace. I sometimes just go there after the boats have sailed off and dangle my legs off the wooden platform wanting my feet to touch the cool water as I watch the colorless fish swim between the cracks of the wood floor panels I am seated on. 

Every day I spend an hour or more sitting in a coffee shop on the streets of the city I live in, harmoniously  indulged in a conversation with my loved one as we watch the array of strangers passing us by. We discuss the insights we encountered during the times we were apart, we contemplate the things we want to add to our lives, we count our blessings for the life we have.

When it rains me and my loved one remove our selves off the couch hurriedly moving to go walk in the rain entangled in a warm embrace as we smile to the sky in thanks for the crystal like drops that touch our skin.

 

On certain nights where the city sleeps and nature takes a bow I slow dance to a gentle melody engulfed in the scent of the one I love. In utter silence we gently touch, we tenderly reminisce on all the times we have had together, we appreciate one another’s love as we both wrap our arms around one another in agreement.

The restaurant in the little city is a weekly ritual where me and my loved one go there to relish in its exquisite foods. We sit there whispering sweet nothingness to one another as there is no one there to judge or care for there are others around that entertain the same kind of serenity, security and love that we share.

 

 

I walk down a long narrow path that leads me to the gushing sounds of the waterfalls. I want to be one with nature and one with the water. I want to have the power of the falls, i want to be the falls

 

 

The shores of the beach touch the tips of my backyard. I walk down the large expanse of the beach in a loving embrace with the one I love as we move from talk to silence and talk again.

Several days a week I am surrounded by those I love, my beloved family and friends come to have breakfast in my garden where we laugh and talk as the outstanding view of vineyards and continuous landscapes of green take our breath away with every mouthful.

My soul is free to express itself within the confines of my body, to allow my spirit to show itself on the shores of nature. I dance with the power of passion taking over me without a care in the world and no one to judge me but the nature that surrounds me.

 

I meet my girlfriends for coffee and gossip about our lives and the lives of our loved ones. We need the girl time, we need the bonding time, we cherish our times together for they are rare to occur with the on going schedules of both our lives. We change from one coffee shop to another every time we meet to allow for new change.

My little library possess all the books to entertain the young and old. I take a peek inside my library to see the man I love reading to my child without a care about the world outside for he is creating a little world of his own for his child through the wonders of the words of a book.

 

I wish to be sitting on this couch, with that view as I write my wish list

A Willow Tree

A few weeks ago I received a picture of a willow tree and it took my breath away. My best friend wanted to express her love of life and God through the beauty of a willow tree and in doing so I have become mesmerized by the magnificence of the tree and what secrets it holds deep within itself.

The quote I received was the following “ Ever notice how the more leaves or goods a tree has the more it bends down? The more knowledge a person has the more humble and modest he should be”

 The willow tree was compared to human growth, their internal struggle as they manage to become in touch with who they are and what they want out of life. A willow tree represents the beauty in which all of life’s beauty and understanding falls under. In a way; it means that as the years pass by and the experiences of life start to make sense to you, the reality hits home, the reality of being one with the earth and nature takes over and you grow back down to gravity, you grow towards the earth out of true understanding of what is most meaningful in life. Being humble and modest are two things that have taken it’s toll on us recently and people have too many philosophies to share that are shared for the compliment that they will be receiving more than the insight that they truly believe is worth sharing for a better understanding of life. People are too busy talking instead of truly listening to all the wonders around them.

We sit amongst a group of people, each one trying to force their new found insight on to the other person, each one trying to get the appraisal they so wish to have. All we ever look for are more compliments to nourish our ego’s not understanding that the more we feed our ego’s the more we are walking away from our true selves. Always in search of ways to over take another persons insights and conversations, always finding ways to make our voices heard, always trying to reform everyone to our way of thinking regardless if we are right or wrong. What is the benefit of forcing an opinion in hopes of gaining an ego rub when your ridding yourself of the basic human nourishment of humbleness and modesty.

 

In nature things grow silently in appraisal of the wonders of the universe as they hold firm and strong to the earth that nourished them and gave them the strength to be what they were meant to be. In humbleness a person can have gratitude for the knowledge they have acquired throughout their lives, not needing others to affirm and applaud their thoughts.