When does it become unacceptable?

Anger boils over inside of me as Jack asked “Well did he hit you?”

“No” Emily says, surprised that he would even ask that question. Was all what she was saying not enough to walk out on her current relationship? My face was starting to hurt from the frown that had over taken my face for the past half hour, listening to Emily re-tell her story with her husband to Jack as tears rolled down her face. I couldn’t understand why Jack was even asking if her husband was hitting her? What relevance did that have to do with the pain Emily has been suffering for years with this man?

I asked him point blank “What relevance does this have? Is it not enough that He is constantly swearing at her, slamming doors all over the house, being completely impolite to any member of her family or any of her friends that enter her house, he doesn’t give her money to be able to support the house hold requirements and her baby girls requirements yet spends a ton on his friends and his entertainment, he is out partying every single night without her, he doesn’t allow her to go to bars or clubs at night without him even though he does constantly, he has caused his little girl to wake up screaming at night fearing that her father would kill her mother, he sits and does nothing in the house except talk on the phone to his buddies laughing or flipping through tv channels as she keeps running around the house fixing things, he uses his kids for his social outings to be accepted in society, he doesn’t allow her to work so she doesn’t attract the attention of the opposite sex” I take a deep breath in, calm myself down and asked calmly “So answer this Jack, what does it matter, to you, if he hits her or not?” Jack looked at me surprised as though I was asking him a question about giving birth and how he felt during it. I repeated my question to him more aggressively and he finally responded saying “Well since he does not hit her, then they can work things out. hitting her would be unacceptable in every way possible.”

Shocked out of my wits I didn’t know how to answer him back, all that rummaged through my mind was the fact that if a woman ever dared do all that to her husband she would be banished by everyone including her family, they would tell her that it is up to her to make this marriage work. Any man who went to complain about the same things would have given the green light for every human being (male or female) to reprimand the woman until she breaks down in humiliation for her actions. Yet when a woman complains about being mistreated on a daily basis the world tends to stand by his side and ask the woman to accept it as long as she is not being physically abused. She is supposed to take in his infidelity, his rudeness, his verbal condemning ways, his absence physically and financially and only be able to make a valid stand if he went out of his way and hit her.

Strange how this type of injustice is not accepted upon animals and yet upon women it is considered bad, yet not unjust. A woman is put in a position today to accept all that is done to her by a man because he has not physically abused her YET. A woman is expected to be the brains in the family, the glue that holds everything together regardless of what her mental state has become because of all the degrading ways she has been treated.  A woman has to turn a blind eye to her husband having affairs hoping that he will one day come to his senses, but when that day never comes she has to confront him and in return the society gives the excuse of him being a “Man” and men need more than one woman. She is then asked yet again to accept it and be a better wife to her husband cause she was probably the reason he went to another woman for sex. If a woman cheats on her husband she is thrown to the gutters, her kids are taken away from her, her marriage is over, her is shunned out from society with not a single word mentioned that it could have possibly been the husbands fault.

What really gets to me is this, after my talk with Emily and Jack, I found Emily agreeing with Jack, seeing his point of view, assessing the situation and wronging herself the whole time. She provoked his anger, she allowed him to neglect her and stop spending money on her and the family, it was her fault she was too busy taking care of the house and her child and her new pregnancy, of course he would go mad and naturally she thanked God that he never hit her “He is a good man that he never hit me. I would have left for sure.”

And in that ended the whole pain she had been suffering for years with her husband. I later on found out that all her girlfriends gave her a similar advice and sad as it was, women accept this upon themselves. Women will tell women to stick around in a horrible relationship, with a cheating man, with a stingy guy, with a man who has temper management issues and tell the woman it is all in her hands to make this work.

When have we ever become the weaker sex? We are able to give birth, take care of a house, go to work, socialize with the world and sleep for a maximum of six hours a night and still have the ability to do everything and more than any man could even dream of. What happened to reprimanding a man for his misconduct and behavior, who said it was ok? Who said that we were born, as women, to live this way? How come every man gets away with murder and women can’t get away with an extra hour of sleep if needed?

Women know how to build fear in other women, making them accept the unacceptable. Telling them horror stories of what life would look like if she did leave her husband “You will not be able to support yourself, you have not worked for years.” Or “What about the kids? They need a father figure” or “Live with it till your kids are old enough then leave”or “ Who will every marry a woman with children? It is too much baggage. So it is best to stay with the man who helped in procreating them.”

What women don’t understand is this “If women stood up and supported one another and did not accept to be treated in such a disturbing disregard to their humanity then men will have no choice but to stop.” As long as the world accommodates such actions and only the visual physical abuse is the allowed reason to leave a man, women will always be where they are today, and they will keep procreating more men that abuse their women, cause women don’t know how to stand up for their human rights.

If every woman keeps accepting this as a way of life, and if women will always advise women to be the abused member of the family then things will never change and women will always be spat on. Her kids will also treat her with disrespect the way their father had, and they will repeat the same pattern onto their wives in the future and every woman will again tell that woman in pain “It is ok, it is all in your hands, you’re the smarter one. Men are like children let him do his thing, and you stay the good wife, he will come around. As long as he didn’t hit you then you can fix it.”

Emilie’s story is one of the many stories I have came across in all these years of watching and listening to couples. With such sadness I have to say that I might have met one in every 30 marriages where there is a balanced relationship between man and woman. What women don’t understand is this: they are telling their daughters that it is ok to be treated this way and they are telling their sons it is ok to treat a woman this way. They think they are making life better for their children when in reality they are allowing the same patterns to continue to evolve and have no regard to how their daughters will be treated in the future or how their sons will treat women.

Screwtape Letters- Virtue of Humility

Definitions of People in the story :The devil (screwtape) and his nephew (wormwood). God is called the (Enemy), their human victim is called the (Patient).

Screwtape examines the virtue of Humility:

Your patient has become humble, have you drawn his attention to the fact???  All virtues are less formidable to us once the man is aware that he has them, but this is especially true of humility.  Catch him at the moment when he is really poor in spirit and smuggle into his mind the gratifying reflection, “ I’m being humble” and almost immediately PRIDE – Pride at his own humility- will appear.  If he awakes to the danger and tries to smother this new form of pride make him proud of his attempt – and so on, through as many stages as you please.  But don’t try this too long, for fear you awake his sense of humor and proportion, in which case he will merely laugh at you and go on to bed.

If they keep the man concerned with himself, and , above all, his self-contempt can be made the starting point for contempt of other selves, and thus for gloom, cynicism and cruelty.

PING….someone let me in

I woke up a few nights ago to find the below message on one of my groups on my black Berry Messenger. I found it so enlightening how a persons mind works when in a situation with nothing to do but sit and wait. All the different ideas that come to mind, and especially the ones that have to do with their current situation. I needed to share it and so I re-wrote it all in same chronological order I received them in.

Characters on the BBM:

M is the main character of this story

Tara is M’s wife

Friday 2:34 am

M: I’m locked outside of the house with no keys.

Friday 2:34 am

M:I forgot them and everyone is at home, sound asleep its 2:30am

Friday 2:35 am

M: I have rung the door bell a hundred times, I have been outside for an hour

Friday 2:35 am

M: Still 4 hours to go before anyone awakes up

Friday 2:36 am

M: Tara’s phone is on silent, PING’s on the bbm don’t help L

Friday 2:50 am

M: L

Friday 2:56 am

M: Almost 3

Friday 3:00 am

M: Yayyy….. it’s 3am

Friday 3:00 am

M: Two down…. 3 more hours to go…!

Friday 3:03 am

M: I think the neighbors woke up. I can hear movement, someone stirring a drink

Friday 3:12 am

M: Almost 3:15

Friday 3:12 am

M: Gonna try sitting on door mat instead of the stairs

Friday 3:13 am

M: Ahhhh….much better…warmer

Friday 3:20 am

M: It’s very cold…can rest my back on wall too

Friday 3:57 am

M: Nearly 4am

Friday 4:00 am

M: Its 4am……2hrs to go

Friday 4:26 am

M: almost 4:30

Friday 4:30 am

M: morning prayers is in 40 min

Friday 4:31 am

M: It’s windy outside

Friday 4:31 am

M: My kids are usually up by 6am so I got 1.5hrs to go…I power napped on the door mat from 3:30 to 4…..

Friday 4:35 am

M: man, bbm pings are useless…I PINGED Tara a hundred times

The awareness begins all internal thoughts of life start to form:

Friday 4:36 am

M: Poor homeless people. It must be so tough to sleep out in the streets

Friday 4:37 am

M: That is why God gave some people more money than others. To spend on the needy; the poor. To keep them warm, give them shelter and feed them

Friday 4:38 am

M: Not to sit on a throne of $10 Million but to help at least a hundred thousand needy people.

Friday 4:38 am

M: or 10,000 or 1,000

Friday 4:39 am

M:Imagine taking care of 1,00 poor people Or even 100 poor people

Friday 4:40 am

M: To feed 100 people 1 warm meal a day costs 500 LE ($135) approximately 5 LE per person. That means 15,000 LE per month or 180,000 LE per year

Friday 4:40 am

M:If someone has 1 million Dollars, he makes 450,000 LE per year by 9% increase from the bank. Spending 180,000 LE leaves him with a bulk to spend from

Friday 4:43 am

M: WOW that is feeding 100 people every day for a year, with only having a million USD in the banks

Friday 4:46 am

M: I wonder how much a winter package of clothes would cost (a jacket + pj + Blanket + hood)

Friday 4:46 am

M: so there is food and warmth and clothes

Friday 4:48 am

M: There is someone here buying blankets for poor people, anyone want to pitch in? 30 LE per blanket???

Friday 4:50 am

M: Yay it’s 4:50am….maybe someone will wake up early

Friday 4:52 am

M: Might be a good idea to furnish the outside of our apartment with a cushion or something

Friday 4:52 am

M: For the long cold nights that someone can get stuck outside

Friday 4:54 am

M: I was out at the burial of a friend’s father in the middle of the desert till 9pm tonight. Was very cold

Friday 4:56 am

M: My father’s friend’s first night alone, I pray that God makes in his grave full of light, warmth and comfort

Friday 4:58 am

M: He was a great man, he was a man who helped the needy people. He wasn’t arrogant and he cared for people genuinely. His money and power never got to his head.

Friday 4:58 am

M: He always cared for his children no matter what they did and always gave to the poor and helped the needy when they needed his help.

Friday 4:59 am

M: They all cared for him too, it was obvious in the burial. Everyone was there the powerful and the needy, the rich and the poverty stricken. His children cried with all their hearts for their loss. He was a man of kindness and love towards them. I wish my fa

Friday 5:00 am

M: …..never mind won’t go there

Friday 5:00 am

M: May God bless him in the afterlife and in the grave.

Friday 5:02 am

M: Fleece is definitely assume

Friday 5:02 am

M: note to self: buy more fleece jackets!

Friday 5:02 am

M: Wishing there was a fleece jacket for my nose, it’s frozen!

Friday 5:02 am

M: I wonder how it would attach itself though. Perhaps a small clip on the nostril?

Friday 5:03 am

M: The night is always darkest before dawn

Friday 5:03 am

M: True….but it is also coldest

Friday 5:04 am

M: The earth is expected to hit a mini ice age by 2014. Solar flares are expected to wipe out electricity on earth in 2013

Friday 5:04 am

M: Wars are expected to start in 2012.

Friday 5:04 am

M: Wonder what 2011 is about??!!!

Friday 5:05 am

M: There’s someone awake in the building, loud TV. It’s 5:05 am

Friday 5:06 am

M: Wooohooooo….maybe just maybe someone will wake up at 5:30

Friday 5:12 am

M: Morning prayer is in 2 minutes I hope Tara wakes up to pray

Friday 5:13 am

M: Gonna start a private “knives throwing class” in Martial arts. It’s a Chinese art

Friday 5:13 am

M: Throwing knives, daggers and blades…for self defense….looking forward to it

Friday 5:13 am

M: There goes the prayer, I can hear it coming from the mosques

Friday 5:13 am

M: I am too cold and tired to go to the mosque to pray there. It’s not heated and water is cold for the ablution

Friday 5:15 am

M:Hoping someone opens the door

Friday 5:20 am

M: Getting sleepy again

Friday 5:25 am

M: No one awake yet. What if they don’t wake up before 7am??????

Friday 5:26 am

M: It’s almost 5:30am…almost

Friday 5:30 am

M: 5:30!!!!!

Friday 5:30 am

M:Half an hour left, 30 minutes to go. Hopefully someone will wake up. Either my wife, my kids or my mother. Someone has to wake up

Friday 5:40 am

M: 5:40

Friday 5:45 am

M: 5:45

Friday 5:50 am

M: 5:50

Friday 6:00 am

M: Well it’s 6am!!!!!

Friday 6:00 am

M: Been sitting here from 1:30am till 6:00am and no one has opened the door

Friday 6:01 am

M:One heckova comatose family!!!

Friday 6: 01 am

M: 6:10

Friday 6: 15 am

M: 6:15

Friday 6: 17 am

M: 4 hours and 45 minutes waiting

Friday 6: 28 am

M: I AM INNNNNNN……at 6:28am the door was opened for me

Friday 6: 30 am

Tara: I just woke up!!!!!!!!! LOL LOL LOL….poor M….don’t know whether to laugh of cry.

Friday 7:00am

Tara: It turns out that my mother in law woke up at 5am went to the kitchen to get a glass of water and went back to sleep. All the time thinking that there is no way her son is still outside the apartment waiting to be let in. She was the missed calls and the messages but they ended at 4am, so she assumed he was sound asleep inside his room next to his wife. LOL LOL LOL

Conclusion:

It helps to be in a situation in life that is similar to the one that others are in. A simple feeling of being cold and the inability to sleep makes a person wonder about all the others in the world that are suffering the same ailment. For everyone’s info M and Tara are figuring out ways to give a warmer winter to all those that live on the streets of Cairo.

The acknowledgment of a loving father and a caring powerful man could make a world a better place to live in. Money and Love go hand in hand, and if someone has the money then they should easily and simply provided it to those who desperately need it. Parents need to take care of their kids and not wait for their death to be able to have the inheritance make them live a better life. And the poor need a warm blanket at night to sleep in if the government is simply not providing it to it’s people. There are lots of Millionaires out there, and there are lots of poor people out there. A helping hand will not make the millionaire poor and will not make the poor rich.

Last but not least…minutes pass like hours when there is a basic need that is not acquired for survival.

Butterflies of Time – Chapter 2 – Emma

In a far away land across the deserts and the seas a young girl named Emma was born. Her head rested gently on her mothers bosoms as she tried to suckle on the offered breast for the first time while hearing the murmur of voices hovering around her. The murmur was a conversation between her mother and father, both contemplating the possibilities of giving their new born daughter away. Little did Emma know at the time that she was unwanted by both her parents from before she was born, little did she know that she was to be sent off far away into another country to be taken care of merely by an aunt. This was how Emma started her journey on this earth a journey of rejection by the two people who should have cherished and loved her from her suckling experience.

Emma knew nothing about how her life would have been with her parents, all she knew was the life that she was leading with her loving aunt. The truth of the matter was that her aunt always felt guilty for Emma, a young child who was left to a relative although both her parents were still alive. In knowing this Emma became a spoiled child, she knew that through guilt she could get away with murder, that her aunt loved her too much and was unable to reprimand her in the right way cause of her current situation. As she grew older, she started to rebel; at the mere age of twelve her parents got news of her aggressive attitude knowing that the aunt was unable to take control of the situation and was told to move back home. By then both her parents had been divorced for twelve years living their lives outside of one another. They had both moved forward in life and got married to other people. This was of course a tough position that they had put themselves and Emma in, who was she to live with? Who would be able to contain her wild side and aggression best? The verdict was made and she was sent to spend time with her mother and her mother’s new husband. Things were not going well for her at the time, she was not easy to tame and her rebellion was hard for her mother to understand especially that she had no true understanding of who her daughter was.  

After some time Emma was moved to her father’s house to live with him and his new wife, hoping that he will be able to take better control of Emma. Her life got even tougher, her father would leave the house and lock the door to make sure she wouldn’t leave when he was out, with no care of her safety incase a fire took place and his daughter needed to rush out. Her father’s home was filled with his friends of all walks of life, making it harder for her to be comfortable in her own new found home. She started to throw tantrums declaring that there were men approaching her in a dirty fashion but all her plea for help went into the hollow pits of uncaring ears. She was moved to her mother’s house after that, her step mother not believing a word Emma said, assuming that she was a rebel and wanted to do anything to destroy their family.

Emma spent the rest of her growing years between both parent’s homes, each one not knowing what to do with her, each one not giving the time to know their daughter. Her parents were too busy for her to even care about her psychological state of mind.

Emma remained an only child to both her parents, neither one wanting another child, not even with their new spouses. You would expect her to be the golden child the cherished child, and yet that was far from the truth. She remained the unwanted child and as the years passed her inner feeling of not being worthy enough to be loved and believed grew stronger within her young soul.

Emma had a radiant smile full of love allowing everyone around her to feel her joy although her internal joy was never to be found. She ventured into the world behind her parents back, she learnt the truth was never something that anyone believed and she knew how to lie to get the freedom she was seeking. She returned on several occasions back to her aunt to seek comfort and love that was never given to her anywhere else. Her interest in finding the right man to give her the love she so desired was a true longing within her which in return attracted her to all the wrong type of man. In doing so there was  a constant affirmation that she cannot be loved, that no one can love who she really is which kept leading her to go for the men that were unable to provide her with the comfort she most craved; the love of her parents.

At university she knew how to dress to the prime, how to attract a man with her wild eyes and her gentle voice. Her smile blossomed on her lips as her eyes stayed cold and distant, yet no one put in the effort to see through her cold eyes and allow for the warmth to seep in. Her tears were always close to falling and at times they were well organized for a self pity story that she had formed to get something that she wanted out of her parents, knowing that the truth would always fail her.

She started work and excelled at her job, they loved her there as they saw the kind gentle side she so well hid from the world. Her smile still radiated, her sadness still over took her heart but her ability to get along with others was the one thing that she held dear to her heart. She had perfected the art of pretending to be happy in her life and within the confines of her own skin. She had become a great person to depend on, a person where others could rely on for the comfort that they themselves had missing in thier live, not knowing that the person they were turning too was seeking that same comfort yet never able to find it. At work she would bounce around full of life, dainty and all girl like, allowing her to put her guard down giving her space to venture into her natural loving nature.

Her parents were still a distant comfort to her, her aunt would visit her constantly knowing that she was in desperate need to feel love, the unconditional love, that only a parent knows how to give their child. Religion was a distant cry and nothing that was of any possible temptation to her but the rise and uproar of it in the country she was living in allowed her to tread in its direction giving her some peace deep within. This provided a comfort with her colleagues at work and it made her belong to something better, cleaner and much more fulfilling than the life she was leading or the life she was forced to live in. She embraced the veil as she succumbed to her fathers vigorous attacks on her new dress code and choice of way of life. Her peace came at knowing that she didnt need a person to take care of her, she had a much larger entity to rely on, and that was her new found love of God.

To be continued…..