When does it become unacceptable?

Anger boils over inside of me as Jack asked “Well did he hit you?”

“No” Emily says, surprised that he would even ask that question. Was all what she was saying not enough to walk out on her current relationship? My face was starting to hurt from the frown that had over taken my face for the past half hour, listening to Emily re-tell her story with her husband to Jack as tears rolled down her face. I couldn’t understand why Jack was even asking if her husband was hitting her? What relevance did that have to do with the pain Emily has been suffering for years with this man?

I asked him point blank “What relevance does this have? Is it not enough that He is constantly swearing at her, slamming doors all over the house, being completely impolite to any member of her family or any of her friends that enter her house, he doesn’t give her money to be able to support the house hold requirements and her baby girls requirements yet spends a ton on his friends and his entertainment, he is out partying every single night without her, he doesn’t allow her to go to bars or clubs at night without him even though he does constantly, he has caused his little girl to wake up screaming at night fearing that her father would kill her mother, he sits and does nothing in the house except talk on the phone to his buddies laughing or flipping through tv channels as she keeps running around the house fixing things, he uses his kids for his social outings to be accepted in society, he doesn’t allow her to work so she doesn’t attract the attention of the opposite sex” I take a deep breath in, calm myself down and asked calmly “So answer this Jack, what does it matter, to you, if he hits her or not?” Jack looked at me surprised as though I was asking him a question about giving birth and how he felt during it. I repeated my question to him more aggressively and he finally responded saying “Well since he does not hit her, then they can work things out. hitting her would be unacceptable in every way possible.”

Shocked out of my wits I didn’t know how to answer him back, all that rummaged through my mind was the fact that if a woman ever dared do all that to her husband she would be banished by everyone including her family, they would tell her that it is up to her to make this marriage work. Any man who went to complain about the same things would have given the green light for every human being (male or female) to reprimand the woman until she breaks down in humiliation for her actions. Yet when a woman complains about being mistreated on a daily basis the world tends to stand by his side and ask the woman to accept it as long as she is not being physically abused. She is supposed to take in his infidelity, his rudeness, his verbal condemning ways, his absence physically and financially and only be able to make a valid stand if he went out of his way and hit her.

Strange how this type of injustice is not accepted upon animals and yet upon women it is considered bad, yet not unjust. A woman is put in a position today to accept all that is done to her by a man because he has not physically abused her YET. A woman is expected to be the brains in the family, the glue that holds everything together regardless of what her mental state has become because of all the degrading ways she has been treated.  A woman has to turn a blind eye to her husband having affairs hoping that he will one day come to his senses, but when that day never comes she has to confront him and in return the society gives the excuse of him being a “Man” and men need more than one woman. She is then asked yet again to accept it and be a better wife to her husband cause she was probably the reason he went to another woman for sex. If a woman cheats on her husband she is thrown to the gutters, her kids are taken away from her, her marriage is over, her is shunned out from society with not a single word mentioned that it could have possibly been the husbands fault.

What really gets to me is this, after my talk with Emily and Jack, I found Emily agreeing with Jack, seeing his point of view, assessing the situation and wronging herself the whole time. She provoked his anger, she allowed him to neglect her and stop spending money on her and the family, it was her fault she was too busy taking care of the house and her child and her new pregnancy, of course he would go mad and naturally she thanked God that he never hit her “He is a good man that he never hit me. I would have left for sure.”

And in that ended the whole pain she had been suffering for years with her husband. I later on found out that all her girlfriends gave her a similar advice and sad as it was, women accept this upon themselves. Women will tell women to stick around in a horrible relationship, with a cheating man, with a stingy guy, with a man who has temper management issues and tell the woman it is all in her hands to make this work.

When have we ever become the weaker sex? We are able to give birth, take care of a house, go to work, socialize with the world and sleep for a maximum of six hours a night and still have the ability to do everything and more than any man could even dream of. What happened to reprimanding a man for his misconduct and behavior, who said it was ok? Who said that we were born, as women, to live this way? How come every man gets away with murder and women can’t get away with an extra hour of sleep if needed?

Women know how to build fear in other women, making them accept the unacceptable. Telling them horror stories of what life would look like if she did leave her husband “You will not be able to support yourself, you have not worked for years.” Or “What about the kids? They need a father figure” or “Live with it till your kids are old enough then leave”or “ Who will every marry a woman with children? It is too much baggage. So it is best to stay with the man who helped in procreating them.”

What women don’t understand is this “If women stood up and supported one another and did not accept to be treated in such a disturbing disregard to their humanity then men will have no choice but to stop.” As long as the world accommodates such actions and only the visual physical abuse is the allowed reason to leave a man, women will always be where they are today, and they will keep procreating more men that abuse their women, cause women don’t know how to stand up for their human rights.

If every woman keeps accepting this as a way of life, and if women will always advise women to be the abused member of the family then things will never change and women will always be spat on. Her kids will also treat her with disrespect the way their father had, and they will repeat the same pattern onto their wives in the future and every woman will again tell that woman in pain “It is ok, it is all in your hands, you’re the smarter one. Men are like children let him do his thing, and you stay the good wife, he will come around. As long as he didn’t hit you then you can fix it.”

Emilie’s story is one of the many stories I have came across in all these years of watching and listening to couples. With such sadness I have to say that I might have met one in every 30 marriages where there is a balanced relationship between man and woman. What women don’t understand is this: they are telling their daughters that it is ok to be treated this way and they are telling their sons it is ok to treat a woman this way. They think they are making life better for their children when in reality they are allowing the same patterns to continue to evolve and have no regard to how their daughters will be treated in the future or how their sons will treat women.

Farm or City?

Our life experiences are based on our way of life. What we say and do come back to us in one way or another. If we believe in ourselves then everything we do is right, there is no fear, there is no worry, there is only self confidence in the choices we make. To hear your own voice is all that matters for no one else lives your life or has your wisdom.

Living on a farm or living in a city have a great distinction between them and show a slight resemblance of a congested mind and an intuitive mind. In a city there is noise pollution that scatters your thoughts and allows for nothing other than everyone else’s voice to overpower your own caring voice. In a city you are rushing from one place to the next getting your job done, errands run, obligations met and in all this people are chattering away giving advice where it is not needed, assuming they know best, and therefore diluting your own trust within yourself. Time becomes something you try to find yet discover that it’s meaning has been lost to you. What is expected of you has stopped you from doing what is expected from yourself to you. You glimpse a sight of what you want your life to look like and you feel that you can breath again. Yet a second later  a whirlwind of clatter over powers that desire and it is lost amongst the bustle and noise emanating from those around you who ridicule your thoughts and the sight of your own breath of fresh air.

In the Farm you are free to hear yourself contemplate and understand what is good or bad for you. There are only animals around that say nothing more than offer their love to you for the simple act of feeding them and caring for them. In return you are left to listen to your mind as it ventures into a world of its own where the decisions are based on your own internal voice that you have come to believe in and trust. You move with your instincts towards your fields of green in knowledge of when to water them and when to walk away. You hear the sound of your breathing and the whispers of the butterflies as they pass you by. In an ability to sit and think you realize what your dreams are and grow strong in your beliefs, for there is no one there who can contaminate those desires and the conviction of your thoughts.

I long to be a farm, where I am left to my own accord and rid myself of the fear of change or the fears that have been bestowed upon me by those who love me the most.

Alcohol-The ways of the bottle

It is always a wonder how people have the appetite to get completely intoxicated by an enormous abundance of alcohol once they go out at night. What I have a hard time understanding is the amazing ability people have of forgetting the pain they suffer the next day, or the disgraceful behavior they put themselves through once they exceed the social limits of drinking.

If you look at it from a completely different point of view you will come to realize that the person who chose to drink all night long has lost a whole day and a half of their lives. Half a day was spent in complete delusion and the next day in agonizing pain, unable to do anything other than lie in bed in hopes their body will gain its normality again.

I was always one to drink and party, one to go all the way and enjoy myself in the luxuries of the joyful night life. In due time and probably cause of my daily desire to party I started to minimize my outings realizing that days were passing me by and myself image was deteriorating. I was losing touch with all the wonderful possibilities that life was offering me because I was too busy partying with the moon and falling asleep with the rise of the sun.  As I grew older and started to work my outings would be limited to weekends allowing a few hours of daylight delight before the grand gesture to escape into the warmth and safety of my bed. A few years of that life and I was starting to wonder what it was like to have a weekend from dusk till dawn fully alert and able to function headache and nausea free.  I quit drinking for eight years and life looked completely different. When I would go out at night with my friends I was still completely hyper and active dancing the night away with the utmost of pleasure. The shocker was seeing a lot of my friends splattered on the dance floors, toppling over every time they tried to get up or hitting on people that were truly despicable to the sober eye.

My days were filled with the warmth of the sun, the depth of my conscious mind started growing in ways that only day life was able to accomplish. I saw what all the other people saw and felt their glory of the wonders of a completely sober life. Naturally as life always tries to balance a person out and allows them to choose their path I started to suffocate from my own rule of no drinking. I slowly started to incorporate a glass of wine into my outings or an apple Martine, making my head feel light after just a few sips. To me this was a great accomplishment, I was what people call, a cheap date, and I felt honored to be just that. Not that I was a drunk before , but my tolerance for alcohol was very high making me able to hold up a lot of liquor in my system before I got even tipsy. Strangely enough my outings to night clubs started decreasing and my desire to intoxicate myself started to slowly deplete. In time I became a moderate drinker, most of my outings were alcohol free and maybe every few months I would have a few drinks then be turned off by it completely. Even the close to nothing that I would have was ruining my next days and that was starting to get on my nerves allowing me to push away further and further from perceiving alcohol as a pleasure drink.

I returned back to heavy drinking when I met and married my ex husband. It was one of my only remedies and means of self expression. The more he kept telling me that I am not allowed to drink the more I drank, I wanted to rebel in one way or another, but my rebellion was only self harming. I was unable to understand why he was allowed to drink and I was not allowed to, I hated the chauvinism that I was forced to live and abide by. A year and half after the divorce my true nature came in floods and I slowly went back to a drink every once in a while or a few drinks in heavy clubbing outings. My tolerance level had risen again by then and I was unable to feel the buzz of the alcohol until I had managed to sedate myself with a few more glasses. In due time and because I missed my old self and my realizations about life I took an alcohol break. I despised its taste and one glass of wine would turn me into mush. A severe depression would always hit me the next day and in turn would ruin the next few days of my life. As the detachment from Alcohol came my way I started to see people in a different light, the outings were not as fun as they used to be, my friends were acting very strange when they were under the influence of alcohol. Men would turn aggressive and extremely silly and women would become incoherent and slutty. I visualized myself in their shoes and realized what a humiliating state of mind these people are in, and realizing that I was in that state years back without realizing how silly I must have been.

In all fairness I harbor no ill feelings towards people who choose to intoxicate themselves on special occasions or every single night, it is their life to miss out on. The reality of the matter is that I consciously choose not to be a part of that life style and with that choice I have found an array of people who can have a drink or two some nights without having to dilute their whole system with alcohol, making the outings much more interesting to indulge in. There are those who enjoy their alcohol to crazy degrees and have a huge amount of tolerance to it and I do enjoy their company immensely but at the end of the day once I feel things are getting out of control and I may lose respect for that person, I hop in a cab and go back home to the warmth of my bed knowing that I have a long day ahead of me to bask in the sun and enjoy coffees and lunches with an abundance of friends who also chose to have only one or two glasses the night before.

There is a lot more to life than pouring alcohol into your system until delusion hits and spending the rest of the next day searching for things and ways to remove the remains of the night before. The celebration of occasions does not have to include intoxication to abnormal degrees. The joy of it is tremendously short yet the pain after is longer lasting and not worth the few hours of complete self humiliation. As a reiki healer, I am told not to heal anyone if I am under the influence of alcohol, the reason being is that my energy would not be aligned right with me, not being able to provide the person in need of the right healing they deserve to get from me. It closes off my intuitive self and distorts my reality for at least a day or two after, making my one mission in life impossible to accomplish on a daily basis.

I have yet to understand those who still continue to abuse their bodies and humiliate themselves past the age of 30. The married people who have kids and go back home drunk and are unable to wake up in the mornings to care for their children. The young adults who have work the next day and might be responsible for a few members of their family’s security and dignity, The single person who finds no other way of truly enjoying their evening outside of alcohol, or the forty year old who still feels like talking with a slurr and picking up women in the presence of his wife and friends is sexy. I tend to see this as a wakeful state of slumber as life passes them by and their only concerns are where to travel to be able to party the hardest. They miss out on the beauty of their life and what the world has to offer them of excitement and new discoveries, only to drown in the depth of their sorrows and dance with the moon neglecting the arrival of the sun that wants to show them the beauty around them.

 

A new meaning to life

It has been a long internal and external journey in the last few weeks. Things happened in my world that have caused a great shit of my paradigm. First and foremost my country has set a profound new way of having a revolution allowing the world to see, yet again, how amazing the Egyptians truly are. In the midst of all the pain they had been suffering for years they found courage to fight the system. They found their voice within the rubble. They awakened their senses to demand respect. The pride I hold in my heart for the first chapter of such a great revolution is beyond words and for the first time in a very long time I thirst to go back home. I desire to be a part of a new beginning, to engulf myself within an awakened nation and help in re-building it’s new foundation.

In less than a month a new heartbeat was acquired for the people of Egypt. With such dignified resolve they all held hands and marched to the sounds of their long lost freedom. A distant echo that arouse with every step they took towards Tahreer square, towards their freedom, towards a brighter future gave them the courage to take back what was fairly theirs all along.

As I sat everyday watching the magnitude of what was taking place the urge to be a part of that kept growing stronger and stronger within my heart and soul. I was in touch with everyone I knew there and what I didn’t get through watching the news I happily got from my friends who were part of the revolution. Throughout all this I kept dreaming of a new Egypt as self induced images kept manifesting themselves within my mind, images would pop out at me of clean streets, controlled traffic and self  fulfilled people. A constant flow of Bubbles kept floating out of my mind producing numerous ideas of all the different ways I could help Egypt become what it was meant to be more than 60 years ago engulfed my every thought.

Today I am sure that there is no other place I would rather be than in Egypt, my confusion seems to have found peace within the confines of freedom and the new change. The boredom I have been suffering from has blossomed into a new meaning to live, and my purpose in life has been finally found. Maybe I will hate it once I am there, and maybe I wont, but regardless of what will happen I am able to sternly say, there is nothing worth living for if not to make this world a better place for all of humanity.

The beauty of my Planet X

I was reading through all my previous articles and i realized i loved this one so much, that i had to re-post it again 🙂

Within the last three years my life took a detour unlike any I had ever encountered in the 32 years I had existed on this earth.

I had lived a life filled with love, hope and dreams of pink ponies and a prince on a white horse. I believed in all the beauties of the great possibilities of what the future may hold for me. My existence was based on love; love of others, love of life and most importantly the belief in everlasting love with my soul mate. I believed in every cell of my body that my soul mate was just a step away from me, I dreamt of it and at times I felt it. I dreamt of my happily ever after as I basked in the comforts of security and financial bliss provided to me on a silver platter by my parents.

Life was a pink bubble of dreams waiting to happen. I lived in my heart, I lived in my soul and I lived most of my time in my thoughts; a place my family used to call “Planet X”. I spent 80% of my time on planet X and I utterly relished every moment of it. On my private planet I had a beautiful home that was white in color in the rare areas in which something other than glass windows showed. It possessed a beautiful large dark wooden terrace that wrapped itself around three quarters of my glass home. My home over looked the most luscious green fields on one side and faced the wide ocean expanse on the other side.   A cobbled street lead up to my front door as it settled itself amongst an array of fruit trees providing a colorful design to the surrounding fields of green. Butterflies flew haphazardly on top of an abundance of wild flowers that continuously swayed with the soft chilled breeze that blew across the sea. There were Small colored shops filled with the smiles of potential buyers and the hopeful sellers. There were a small variety of restaurants that were embedded underneath the gushing flow of a tempress waterfall.  I had horses and ponies that knew me by my fragrance and raced towards me when I would enter their fields of freedom to welcome me into their world. I had peace, love, happiness and honesty amongst everyone that lived on planet X. Most importantly my Planet X gave me the ability to see my real world with peace, love, happiness and honesty.

For the last three years I have been trying to find Planet X, I try to sit on my own to conjure it back into my life; sadly I have realized that Planet X has left me, it spat me out of its heavenly comforts. It left me to fend for myself; with no more fruitless hope on the great possibilities of a dream like future to go back to.

I miss planet X, I miss my outlook on life and I miss having trust and belief in the good of others. Within the last three years I had married a man I believed to be my soul mate, no later than eight months I was demolished and divorced the cruelest man I had ever encountered in my whole life.  That was the first sign of the hazy disappearance of my Planet X, as it still remained a part of my life, but a lot less vivid, I believed that things will only get better after the biggest crush of my life. Sadly, I made another wrong choice as I was still trying to believe in the good in humanity. I chose to share an apartment with a woman who showed nothing but kindness and love for me, to discover a year and a half later that she was disclosing my pain to others and destroying my reputation using tactfully planned lies for no reason other than preserving her need to make her surrounding environment believe the lie of the person she really was. Once I had gotten back on my feet again trying to bring into my life my Planet X in hopes of reviving my bright hopes of the future again. To my dismay it took a few months to find my Planet X, and this time around I noticed how its previously vibrant colors were diminishing behind a grey colored smog. It was hard to acquire hope or muster up any positive outlook on humanity. During that period in my life, my only sanctuary was my work, I had a passion for it unlike anything else, and any possibility of ever leaving it was deleted by my abundance of loyalty I had for it. After pouring my heart and soul into my work and proving myself completely competent of all the tasks that were under my scope and out of my scope of work I was pleased to know that my company decided to hire a new member into our wonderful team. A few months down the line, the new member’s attitude started to slowly creep its way into my professional life, I was unable to comprehend what he was trying to do. He smiled with earnest in front of me as he praised my continuous ability to make things happen at work. To my dismay, as time elapsed, I found that most of the jobs that I was handling were nowhere to be seen, he was discarding of me, and hating my tremendous closeness to all the people I worked with and for. He took work away from me telling me it was taken care of while making others believe I was not competent enough to do the work. He never once confronted me with anything, his mode of communication with me consisted of nothing more than jokes, gossips and continuous praise. The work environment became competitive and it lost all the beauty of group work. I had to watch my back with my every move as I monitored his every move, suspecting all his underlying truths knowing they were all lies. I fought like a lioness protecting her cubs, not succumbing to a bully trying to demolish all the hard work I had slaved for in two years. He was tranquilized for a few months until his strength was built again, taunting me with the same methods in a much sneakier way this time around.

As I continued fighting my work battle I lost total faith in humanity and planet X had completely disappeared. I could not even access it anymore for I was unable to sit with myself for more than five minutes. A month after my first confrontation at work took place my parents got divorced and I lose sight of everything I ever held close to my heart. My sanctuary, my security and my home were gone. All what I believed to be real was erased from my being and there was nothing to hold onto anymore.  From a life of complete love, acceptance, support, humanity, respect, values, loves from great men, friends that were devoted to my friendship and an artistic business that I owned; came the forceful gush of the harsh doors of emotional and mental hell. Of course planet X disappeared from my existence as I had come to understand that I don’t believe in it anymore. My three year experiences showed me a side to humanity that I had never known existed before. Those devastating three years poured its black gunk all over my beautiful pink bubble, over powering all the beauty that lived within it.

Today as I am still battling the dark disappointments within me, I have missed Planet X with all the innocence it had provided me with. I want to go back to Planet X, I am working hard to seduce it back into my life, I am exhausted of disappointment, I am tired of sadness and I am open to all the upcoming experiences that I must face. I have come to terms with a few of my disappointments, knowing that today I am fully aware of what I DO NOT want in my life giving me more clarity to the things I truly cherish and want in my life.

I am able today to see my planet X, i actually can touch it every once in a while and it is a welcoming feeling that i have longed for. My planet X has found it’s way through all the mess and has started to cleanse my soul bit by bit and with every breath i take it filters me with hope and love and removes all the dirt and dust.

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Trust in Alex-Part 5

Part 5

A laugh came bursting out of him and his stories started to descend upon me one brick at a time. “Oh Rain….really you think by being with him every day he wont cheat on you, trust me he will find a way. He will cheat at work with someone willing to pull down her pants for a few minutes of ecstasy. Yes it takes a few minutes if you really wanna get it” he continues to laugh making me feel like a fool in more ways than one. I protest against his persistence of making me believe that there is no hope in a faithful relationship. “No, that is not true” I argue “It cant be true” but now I am a bit shaken by the thought of it and he continues “If your husband tells you he is late at work, how do you trust he is not screwing his colleague instead of the meeting he told you he has to attend? When he travels on those supposed business trips, spending so much time alone in a hotel room how do you know he is not getting laid on those lonely nights? You are gonna be there at work with him too? Will you travel on all his business trips? What if you cant? Your sick? Your pregnant? Your not in the mood? You have a deadline at work?. Then what? Can you trust that he is faithful? Never…..listen to me, I want you to face up to the reality of life, so that when you end up meeting your soul mate you are not traumatized by these facts that will undoubtedly happen to you.”

As my resistance starts getting weaker I voice out slowly and more to myself than to him “But we will be in love and he will be so sexually satisfied with only having me as a partner.” He naturally had a ready response to my unsaid words “I didn’t say anything about love, I said he will cheat and you have to accept it. I love my wife to death, but I cheat all the time. There are times where I call up one of my friends on my lunch break and we meet up in the hotel next door, have sex and we both go back to work. Its normal, everyone does it, no one talks about it though. No one will admit to you what I am admitting to you know, the truth.” He gets up to stretch and stays standing as he says “Another thing you should know, even if he doesn’t stay late at work or travel for work or goes out for his lunch breaks he can do it in the office. Under the stair case, in the bathroom, in the store room nothing stops men, it’s in their nature and they will always do it. So what are you gonna do now? Get shocked when your older and married to a man believing he doesn’t cheat or accept that he does and just live with it?”

Again I tired to fight his theory by saying “I am older today, I won’t go for someone who has not enjoyed their life to the extreme, I will be with someone who has done it all and is ready for a family and a clean decent life with me, a friend a partner” to my dismay Alex responds with “And then one day you turn fifty and find out he has been having sex the whole time but your already in your fifities too but the only difference is you’re a woman and what used to be perky is now sagging down to your knees and what used to be sexy is revolting and you want to have an affair just to hurt him but there is no one to sleep with cause you have lost all your elasticity and the opportunity to use your young body right.”

This was getting too far. I didn’t want to believe that I would want to adamantly cheat on my spouse, I didn’t want to know how old and disgusting I will look the day I find out how often my partner cheated on me. So I maneuvered the topic around by asking him “so you have only ever cheated on your wife? Right? Or have you cheated on all your girlfriends before?” Alex smiles and says “of course I had cheated on my girlfriends, some of them knew and some of them didn’t, but of course I did and as it so happens I would sometimes cheat on them while I was at work.”

I decided to shut my mouth and just pretend I had gone dumb. Alex had a determination unlike any I had ever known, he wanted to make me see the light, he wanted to wake me up to reality, he wanted to shock me into reality. “I don’t find what I do or done wrong since the whole world does it, actually I am a very nice guy inside and have great respect for women.” That is when a new tale came my way, a bomb of a tale.

“Let me tell you a few stories just to prove to you that I am really a good guy and not the horrible man you seem to think I am. As the thing you need to know, i never make the first move, they always do and i simply comply. So it is not me, it is the women”.

I have a best friend who is married to one of my friends, but she is more my friend than he is. Anyway they have two kids and don’t live here. We have been friends forever and never once did we sleep with one another, although I am sure there was some sort of attraction we never took it there. So one day I find out that her husband is cheating on her and I feel bad for her, I mean she is a mother and loves her husband but she still had no idea. Now somehow she ended up finding out and called me immediately after to tell me and cry over the phone. My wife at the time was out of town and so I invited her to come stay with me for a few days and get away from her husband and kids for a mental break. The plan went through and she actually came to visit and stayed with me for a few days. As you should know we were used to sleeping next to one another in the past but nothing ever happened between us we really were just great friends. So on her visit to me we naturally maintained the coziness of our friendship until one of those nights she was crying so much and completely devastated by her husband’s cheating, to console her we ended up sleeping together.” My mouth dropped at that point, I thought he was trying to show me that he is a good guy after all? What the hell happened there? So I sarcastically say “you cant even maintain a long friendship with a female without sleeping with her at some point in your life? Why the hell would you do something like that? She was still married and for God’s sake so were you. And in your house?????”

Alex had no inhibitions on that strange day, nothing made him stop not even shame of my constant shocked looking state. So he went on to explain what he meant by a good guy “We never did it again after that one time, she felt better after cheating on her husband and with all honesty I felt guilty after that cause as I got out of the shower I found her sitting on my lap top chatting with her kids with such love. I could not do that to her again. So we decided to maintain the friendship as it is.” So that was Alex being decent, God I laughed, I laughed and laughed at that. Was this guy for real?

I then explained to him that I don’t take sex so lightly that it is a special thing to give your body to someone in that way, that if you cant value your body then no one else would. And why should every other guy know exactly how my body looks and reacts to ecstasy? I believe that it is a very private special thing that only belongs to the one you love and choose to spend the rest of your life with, not every passing body is mine to have lustfully allowing for it to be touched by so many people with no regard to the sanctuary of it being my temple to care for and protect.

I looked at the little table that my arm was resting on and found that my pack of cigarettes had finished, surprised I took a look at the ashtray and realized it was filled to the brim, a whole pack worthy of smokes were piled up in a disgusting display of ashes and burned out paper. Since my trauma was so intense I called the office boy to go get me another pack of cigarettes ASAP.

What followed was heartfelt advice from Alex to me “Rain, you need to have sex all the time? Your young, your fit, your free, you should go around and enjoy every minute of it before it gets too late. Your gonna keep waiting for your soul mate to come, who will undoubtedly cheat on you and then you will regret everyday that passed of your youth not exploring sex with all different kinds of men. You will hate your life when the day comes and your too old to do anything about it. Believe me your future husband will cheat on you and you may find out when your sixty or seventy and feel like an idiot for having been faithful to him all those years when he was unfaithful all along.” I look at him shocked and say angrily to him “I would never cheat on my partner are you MAD!!” after knowing that he provoked he resolved to another solution for my lack of sex and my adamant belief that my future spouse would not cheat on me. Alex gave me a new plan “look, I know this amazing beach in Europe, it is a nudes beach. It is divided into section according to your status. There is a section for couples, one for singles and anther for gays and lesbians, I recommend you to go there into the singles area and see what happens around you. Everyone is naked and having sex with everyone at random, there is no shame in it and it expands your sexual horizon, no one will know. I went there with my wife when we were just dating at the time, but we went to the couples beach. At first it was strange to see so many naked people having sex all over the place, switching partners with not a care in the world. Later on we got into the groove of things and it felt like the most normal place to be in. I chose a partner for my wife(I made sure he was the ugliest one around) and she chose one for me, which also seemed to be the lesser attractive of the bunch. It opened our horizons to life and I would recommend it to anyone I know.”

I thought to myself “Did he hear nothing of what I said about my body being a temple???? Was he honestly advising me to go to a nude beach and have sex with a bunch of different men all in the span of a day?” I started to get up to walk away, my heart was aching and I felt sick inside I took a look at him and asked “So you have no problem if your wife is cheating on you too or that she is having sex with a whole bunch of different men in your presence?”

Alex then explained how he would have a problem with it naturally but at least when he was in charge of picking the guy and she was doing it in front of him it was not cheating. None of it made sense to me, yes I knew there were people who enjoyed sex with several people all at one time, and others that enjoyed switching partners, I knew a couple like that years ago, but I never understood it then and I was damned if I could understand it now. Then he explained to me that he was sure his wife was not cheating on him, but even if she was it was ok not a big deal, its human nature.

I thought to myself at that point, and wondered about the possibilities of his wife not really caring what her husband did. IF there came a point in her life while they were dating that they went on a sexual excursion on a beach that was their prerogative and in knowing that i started to wonder if maybe she was cheating on him too since they were both sexually open and experimental. Then i remembered the day i met her for the first time and the sadness i felt within her, and i realized that it was not because she knew anything about her husband or was busy cheating it was because she found out she was pregnant again for the second time a few months after giving birth to their first son and she couldnt handle it.

To be continued………

Trust in Alex-Part 1

Part 1

I sat on one of the plastic chairs I had purchased a few days ago for the huge terrace of my work place. There were a lot of smokers at work with me and we met up on our breaks to have a cigarette and coffee, the only problem was that there was nowhere to sit and the area started to look dirty and disheveled. SO after two months of having no other means of enjoying my cigarette break I decided to go down to one of the stores and purchase an outdoor plastic seating set. Everyone at work was pleased with this except for the higher management whom were worried that this comfort will cause more people to chill out than be behind their desks working. Regardless of their concerns I continued to enjoy every break I had, and in time as the weather got better I would pick up all the documents I had to read and sign out into the terrace making it my second office space.

                On one of those many days in which I was sitting out in the terrace conversing with a few of my colleagues while enjoying the soft breeze with a coffee mug in one hand and cigarette in the other I met this guy. He introduced himself to the whole group “Hi my name is Alex” he said as he extended his arm to shake everyone’s hands. In no time we were all laughing and joking and our ten minute break turned into a half an hour of nothing but laughter. Alex was a grand addition to the group, he was handsome, tall a full set of jet black hair with the cutest of dimples that appear at the side of his lips when he smiles. At first glance I thought to myself “what a handsome, charismatic man” at the second glance I noticed a wedding band on his left hand and thought to myself “What a shame, all the good men are taken. His wife is very lucky to have such a handsome, funny, grounded man in her life”.

                As the days passed I asked the most natural question that always comes to me without even thinking “So Alex, tell me your love story, how did you and your wife meet”. I heard him speak of the woman he chose to marry and his love for her. How there is no one else in the world that fits him as well as she does. How all his previous relationships were never gonna lead him to commit the way he committed to his wife. She was fun, loving and beautiful and they understood one another so easily that they were bound to end up spending the rest of their lives together. I learnt that she was pregnant at the time and he was over joeys with the new addition to his life. He expressed how he loved spending time with his wife, how she made things a lot more fun when they went out together. They traveled to various countries always with an adventure in mind that they always agreed upon.

                I sat and listened to all this with a large admiration for this young man. Not only was he good at his job, well travelled, funny and great looking, he was also an amazing husband and obviously gonna be a great father. So naturally I put him up on a pedestal in my mind and reflected on his type of relationship hoping that one day I will find a partner that will love me as much as he loves his wife. We became friends immediately, I loved hearing his stories of him and his wife, the romance, the devotion everything was perfect and most importantly I held great respect for him.

                Once his wife gave birth, the stories of his fatherhood became even more profound; he spent his nights awake with his child as his wife suffered a depression. He took care of his newly born son like no father I knew would. His wife was getting the baby blues and was not going out as often, she was not ready to have a child and they got pregnant by accident making it really hard on her to accept being so tied down and exhausted all the time. He supported her emotionally and physically. He loved her so much that he tried to figure out ways to ease her pain by bringing in to town a member of her family to take care of her in his absence while he was at work. I used Alex as a great example to all women who were married to horrible men, making them see how it is possible for a man to really care for the woman he loves.

                Months later Alex wanted me to meet his wife especially that he thought we would get along . Since I was always interested to meet this lovely woman and see the interactions between him and his wife through my eyes I accepted the invitation with open arms. I was excited to meet her and meet his son, so the day arrived for our long awaited lunch outing together. Lucky for me the lunch was gonna be in the promenade right under my house which consisted of a variety of restaurants and coffee shops. As we all got introduced to one another I focused all my attention on his wife Julie who cradled their son in her arms with such tender love. She had a pair of sunglasses on which she never removed making it harder for me to really see into her soul, and so I settled into watching her body movements to figure out if Alex was true in his care for his wife.

                She was interesting to talk to but I felt that there was a huge field of sad energy around her and I related it to the fact that she was still under the depression that came along with giving birth. Alex on the other hand was very hands on, he carried his son, fed him his milk and tenderly caressed his wife to make her feel loved and cherished. I made a mental note of all the things I saw that I liked for later reference to the list of things I desire in my future spouse. It was a lovely afternoon but I had to leave after two hours to meet up with a bunch of other friends that I had also planned to meet for a coffee further down the promenade. We bid farewell after exchanging phone numbers and I left feeling elated and content with what I saw iwth a slight sadness over her obvious depression.

After a few days of our encounter I tried to call Julie but she never picked up the phone, seeing that me and Alex worked in the same office space I went to his desk and asked him if his wife was ok. I related to him that I really liked her and that I wanted to call her up and see if we could meet up separately outside of him. He then confessed that she went to the states with their son to recuperate and get away from the depression she was facing at being a single mom with no help available for her. He confessed that he tried his utmost best and was sad that she had to leave but as long as this would make her happier in the long run he would be able to survive without her for the next few weeks. I felt nothing but sadness for him, he seemed to be disarrayed without them around. I was told Julie really liked me and was looking forward for us to do something together upon her return from the states. So in my world everything was fine, this was a typical love story between soul mates that allowed me to have a stronger belief in my soul mate quest.

To be continued……

Hairdresser Café Premonition

 My hair feels fresh and crisp, I stick my fingers into it and slide them through it. I look at myself in the mirror as I wave my head around to see my hair flow from side to side. I smile at the other person’s reflection in the mirror standing behind me and thank him for a job well done. I move towards the cashier counter with lavish expressions of “thanks” and “I love it” as I reach for my wallet to pay the bill.

I walk out into the lobby of the hotel and towards a tiny coffee shop that is situated at the main entrance of the hotel doors. The café is extremely old with fer-forge chairs, round glass table tops, the floors are a patterned marble and granite and the surrounding curtains of thick yellow and green fabric are similar to the cushion that is placed on the fer forge chairs.

Leama, one of my best friends, finally arrives and she gracefully places herself on the chair opposite mine. We greet one another casually and quickly move into topics we have been waiting all day to discuss face to face. I had recently gotten my divorce and she had just recently given up looking for a potential boyfriend. In the last week my ex-husband had been trying to pursue his desire to bring us back together and I was debating if I should give him another chance or not. I get into the discussion with Leama in hopes that this time I can make the right decision, but the conversation gets me nowhere since Leama wants me to do what makes me happy. It was a hard decision to take especially that I still possessed very strong feelings for him and lived on the hope  that he had truly change and that our divorce had made him the new man he was claiming to be.

The waitress comes to our table to take our order, we both smile at her and take a quick look at the crumpled and jagged menu. She walks away with our orders making sure to first tell us that it will take half an hour for our sandwiches since the kitchen is on another floor. Half an hour later, the food is placed in front of us alerting us to take a break from our chain-smoking marathon. As we begin to take our first bit into our sandwiches, the waitress just stands there looking at us. We both stop with our sandwiches in our hands and our mouths are trying to chew the last remains of it. I look up at her and ask her if she is ok and if there is anything is wants. Then with no prior indication that this woman has anything of value to say, she starts to talk in a friendly tone of voice.

“My husband is a wonderful man, who I love so much and he loves me so much in return” she starts off with what looked like tears in her eyes. “He is ten years older than me, but it makes no difference what age, religion, ethnic background or any other exterior qualifications he has. All that matters is that he treats me with utmost respect, love, loyalty, understanding and kindness”. She goes on telling us with a little quiver in her voice. Me and Leama sit back and refuse to utter a word and just stare at her as she continues to speak. We wonder if her husband is on his death bed, or if something went wrong for her to want to share this with us but we soon find out that her husband is alive and kicking and she had a deep urge to come and just talk to us.

The waitress then just stares at me and starts to say “Everything is part of a bigger plan, nothing is in your hands and especially marriage. People don’t have the patience to wait for their right partner, they are rushed into finding a partner of any kind just to satisfy the system.” Then she moves closer towards our table as she continues to contribute her valued advice specifically towards me. “You will find the perfect man, and you will be very happy with him more than you can imagine, don’t settle for anything less than what you deserve. Be patient and he will appear in front of you when you least expect it and you will know it from the first second that he is the man for you” she smiles as she says that with complete conviction in her voice. “ You must not settle for a man who does not cherish every minute he spends with you. You have to make sure his kindness over whelms you. It is important to know that wherever you are in the world that you can trust him with your life. It is vital to feel extremely safe in his presence and in his absence, to know that whatever you may need he is there to help provide it to you. Most importantly he must treat you with great respect and dignity.”

I am struck by silence and a weird, scared smile on my face. What was this woman telling me? How come she appeared at the perfect time to tell me what to do with my decision of going back to my ex husband or not? Why was her conversation directed completely towards me and not to Leama? I sit there stiffly absorbing all the information I had just received, like God wanting to answer me through a medium and his medium was this waitress.

She then takes a step back, places both her hands together and apologizes for all she said explaining to us how strange it is that she felt she had to talk to us. She started to tell us that she does not talk to strangers, let alone customers but for some reason she felt so comfortable and felt that something was pushing her to talk to us about her very personal life.

As we sit there with our sandwiches lying peacefully on our plates awaiting our next bite, the waitress looks at Leama and tells her that she should not rush into anything with anyone; she should keep waiting for her perfect partner it could be in a few more years. She takes a deep breath in, like she is exhausted and continues to say “A younger man, or an older man makes no difference as long as you feel he wants to always be with you and expresses his feelings to you openly and truthfully”.

We spend the rest of our lunch break eating in silence contemplating all that was told to us and all that was given to us as a miracle. We stepped out of the coffee shop after bidding her farewell and thanking her for her insights. Sadly I didn’t take her advice the way I should have and a month later me and my ex husband were dating again, needless to say he offered me nothing of all the qualities the waitress adamantly told me to hold out for.

Follow that feeling…Follow that voice

It was a horrible time, I hated every minute of my living arrangements and avoided going back home whenever the opportunity arose. I had been living a lie for a year and had recently come to the understanding that whom I was living with was nothing of who I thought she was. I started developing the inability to look that person in the eye or be in the same space as her, I felt stifled in my own home. I had to leave, I needed my own space, I had to remove myself from the lies and hypocrisy that I was surrounded with night and day.

It all started a month after our move together into a new apartment(full story written in “Shocking Truth”). At first I didn’t like the apartment we had found, I felt a negativity within in it and the sun never visited the large floor to ceiling windows. There was a gloom and the sense of negativity within the space of the living room and the bedrooms. Tracy, my roommate at the time, was loving everything about it and was determined to move in, therefore convincing me on a daily basis that this was the perfect apartment for us. I succumbed to her needs and naggings and we moved in to the gloomy apartment a week after our first visit.

Two nights after moving into the apartment I was awakened by a deep male voice whispering loudly in my ear to go to my bathroom and check out the leakage. As I was over taken with sleep and exhaustion I stumbled out of my bed, walked into my bathroom and found an abundance of water flowing all over its floors slowly pouring itself out into my bedroom. Sandy eyed and exhausted I unhook the leaking pipe, throw a towel on the floor and stumble back to bed. The next morning I wake up unsure if what I did the night before was a dream or reality. As I rush towards the bathroom to check on its situation, I find a towel thrown on the floor and puddles of water proving that the occurrence was a reality. It was at that day that I knew this apartment was coming with its share of bad omens but I was confronted to know that I may have a guardian angel watching over me.

As the weeks passed, strange things started to occur with Tracy, her true nature was showing itself to me yet I was determined not to see it. She used to sit and stare at me, and when I would ask if she was ok, she would rant on about her beauty. Other times I would sit and listen to her ranting on about her friends in the most condescending of manners yet upon their arrival to our home or our meeting them somewhere outside, she would greet them with such warmth and love that I doubted she had ever said anything so heinous about them. She would shamelessly flirt with the opposite sex after convincing me that her abilities with the opposite sex are nonexistent and that she is of great moral value and ethics therefore confirming to me constantly her inability to flirt. She would insist that her religious morals would never allow her to marry someone outside of her religion, yet upon meeting one of her best friends (who was a guy she wanted to marry) her values would change and I would listen to her tell me that if his parents accepted her, since she was of different religion, she would leave her family behind and her religious standards. When she noticed that me and her guy best friend talked easily to one another cause we were childhood friends, she would tell me that he is not a man worthy of even being friends with as she would make plans with him behind my back telling me other tales instead. She would try to prove her loyalty to me by never attending an outing that included my ex husband, but then when me and my ex tried to date again she flirted with him in ways that made me confused over what her words would say and her actions were doing.

With all that, I was still trying my best to believe that her words were what I was to believe in and not her hypocrite like actions. Then one day, I find out, by pure luck, or through the guardian angel I thought I had, that her venom was spewing towards me. The tender words, and confessions of loyalty and friendship were all a farce, the same way it was a farce with everyone around her. As I had learnt the hard way, what she was doing to everyone was being done to me and it was the greatest day of awakening to me. I was living with someone who held no moral grounds, who had no ethics and who lied with such great abilities that only a person living with her was able to see it after a whole year. I confronted her with all her lies and naturally she denied all of it. Upon my second confrontation, there were truths that she was unable to hide and begged me to stop repeating all the things that have been cleared to me in the last months. After that was done, I told her we need to split up, that I am unable to live with a person of her caliber and ethics. She insisted that we should stay living together, hoping that I was the fool I had been for the last year, or the same fool her friends were for years. As she confessed her love to me, and hugged me I felt a pang of pain in my heart for her, yet no less than 24 hours later I heard more things she was saying about me and I ended it all. I told her I will be leaving her, that I want nothing to do with her, and I warned her that Karma was a bitch, she had done so much wrong for so many people that it will all come falling down on her. I stormed out of the house, spending the next coming nights at my sister’s house to avoid any more contact with Tracy and I started my house hunt.

I walked into so many different apartments, I called so many different agents to show me what is available. I had a friend who was a real estate agent and had him find me an apartment. There was nothing that felt right, there was nothing that bought the sunlight in and made me feel fresh and alive. A week into it, my real estate friend found me a beautiful one bedroom apartment that was exactly in the location I had wanted, on the floor I dreamt of having and with a full sea view that takes your breath away. With finding what I wanted, I arrived back to my doomed home with Tracy and told her that I will be moving out within the week. For some reason I felt sorry for her, and she started to ask me about apartments too since she didn’t want to stay in this one alone and she couldn’t afford it alone. So I started to give her the names of the real estate agents I used and started to tell her about all the apartments I saw, giving her the building names and the apartment numbers for her to check them out. I still could never live with her, knowing who she really was, but I still didn’t mind helping her. So we became respectful of one another and I gave her all the help I could to find her a new apartment.

I went to see that one bedroom apartment that I loved everyday, just to make sure that it was the one I wanted to live in, but there was always something nagging me not to live there. The energy was not something I felt comfortable with although everything else was exactly what I was looking for. I was done with looking around, but I was feeling like there was something else for me, and that this apartment will bring sadness into my life. I wanted to get out of my apartment and out of Tracys life style and so I tried to ignore my nagging feeling of looking around some more.

In a matter of days, I heard something else that Tracy was saying about me and I lost my mind totally. I stormed into the house and lost all control of my language and words, everything I felt in my heart came pouring out and I slammed the apartment door shut as I drove to my sisters house. It was time for me to leave, I needed to leave this very minute. I decided to go for the one bedroom apartment that I liked just to get out. I stopped my search and was ready to make the payments for my new apartment when I receive a message on my phone. My father had come across a real estate agent who has some apartments in the location I wanted. Out of complete despair and to please my dad I called the guy. He was a scrawny little guy, I met him and he took me to several apartments, one of them being the one bedroom that I was about to sign the contract for. I looked around the apartment and thought to myself “This must be the one for me since it is the third time it has been shown to me, although I feel that its energy is not that good” that is when he told me he has only one more apartment to show me. I told him I was not interested since I am probably going to take this one. He says ok, but then tells me that I should still look at it since I have seen everything else why not just try this last one.

I walk into that one last apartment and I loose my senses, this was the apartment all along, this was the one my heart and soul kept telling me to wait for. Upon my first step I feel the energy pulling me towards it, the sunlight is beaming through all the windows, the panoramic windows have nothing to show me other than the blue waters of the sea. It is the same price of the one bedroom I was about to take but this one had two bedrooms. It was what I had always had in mind, it felt right on so many levels, it was mine to have.

A few days later I was moving all my things out, joy in my heart at the miracle that just took place. I was free of gloomy apartment, I was free of Tracy and her life style, I was free to allow miracles back into my life. When things in life start looking so ugly, and people start to show their true colors, you must know that it is time for a change and the universe is pushing you in the direction to make that change. Once you accept it and embrace it, what your heart desires comes into fruition and the change is a welcomed blessing.

This is one of my miracle stories, this is something that makes me remember that I need to always follow my gut feeling, and that I should never settle for anything less than what my true self knows I should have. Listen to that soft whisper, pay attention to a nagging feeling and make sure to follow your heart s it tells you the truth before you incorporate a new person or life style into your life.

An illusionary ailment

Fear is one of the biggest illusionary ailments most people face today. It lets us stay in situations we don’t particularly like or simply have grown emotionally distant from. Fear and anxiety go hand in hand as the on line medical-dictionary defines it as such:

Fear: an emotion, generally considered negative and unpleasant, that is a reaction to a real or threatened danger; fright. Fear is distinguished from anxiety, which is a reaction to an unreal or imagined danger.

Since I possess this specific type of ailment; I have come to understand that fear has stopped me from ever taking the right decision towards what my heart desires to do. Once the fear starts whispering its evil ideas into my thoughts and processing future images of the possibilities of it happening, I start to lose the rhythm of my regular breathing, accelerating it until I am unable to function outside the thoughts and images of my upcoming miserable future. That is when it turns into an irrational anxiety attack and all decisions to follow through with what I know I should do disappear out the window. I settle slowly back into the familiar, stopping myself from moving outside what I know, conjuring up past experiences to support my submissive decision.

My fears/anxieties come from basically every direction in my life.

If I want to leave the job I am currently at, knowing deep inside that it is defiantly not working out for me anymore, I become optimistic. In optimism I start to visualize the career I really want to pursue; my heart feels lighter in knowing that I am making the right decision because I know there is something great for me out there. I am optimistic and have drawn up the perfect future for myself after leaving my job. Then the inevitable happens, the whispering starts to take place, the images start to flood my mind. I am jobless, I need the cash flow to travel, maybe I am not as good as I think I am, I will fail at my new job, I will be poor, I have bills to pay, I will have to leave the country and go back home to live in the confines of my parents control, etc….etc….etc…..Fear has struck, the fear of the unknown. All the optimism that I felt in my inner core flakes away as a new defined pessimism replaces it. Now I am confused about what I really want to do, I have no say anymore, I only have fear to talk to and if I try to encourage the optimism back, Fear finds a way to invite anxiety to conjure up more irrational future possibilities of doom.

I find the worst type of fear is the fear of loneliness. In that specific type of fear, we humans have acquired the ability to accept and stay in relationships with people that are not good for us, or not meant to be for us. This type of fear constitutes of all kinds of relationships, be it life partners, friends, relatives, colleagues, neighbors, you name it, we humans depend on it for fear of being alone.

I sat in my car today listening to one of the many audio stories I listen to on my drive to work every morning. There was a part of the story where this woman was told by her husband that she was not allowed to work cause he didn’t like it. She was stifled in the relationship and really had no say in most of the things that took place within her own life. So one day she decided to accept a job offer in a detective’s agency and she loved every minute of it. Once her husband found out he went nuts, he started to accuse her of cheating on him, not trusting her, not accepting that she wanted to have a life outside of him. She storms out of the room as she yells at him for the first time telling him that he must accept it because that is what she wants to do with her life and she is sick of him dictating to her what she can and cannot do. After she sits with herself for a few minutes in her room with the door locked her fears start to surface. The whispering starts to take place: what if her husband decides to leave her? She can’t ever be alone, she loves him and he promised her that he will be there forever for her. Images of him walking out on her start to take over her thoughts, Whispers of old age with no one in her life start to manifest into images. As all her fears creep up on her, she starts to question her decision to fight for what she truly wishes to do. She rushes out of her room, down the stairs and into the kitchen where her husband was standing in front of the fridge deciding what to eat. They look at one another and she apologizes to him for taking up a job. He walks towards her, she hugs him and things are back on track again. She meets up with her boss and her friend to tell them that she is quitting her job but is too embarrassed to say it is cause her husband won’t allow her to work. As they keep talking she feels a sense of loss inside her yet the fear of being alone is larger than her desire to face her fear.

I have not finished the story yet, but I am sure she will take some sort of stand by the end of the book (it is fiction after all, with happy endings)

Many times I lingered in my “known”, not willing to venture into the “unknown” for fear of being alone. Other times I contaminated the minds of my friends and family upon hearing their complaints, projecting my own fears into their world, helping their fears to manifest themselves with outsider affirmations.

Fear has no legs to walk on within our reality, it only know how to tread hard in our imaginations stopping us from doing what we most definitely know we should do.

Interested to read the book? Click here: Fast Women