Ecstasy at its Best


The fear over took me as I lifted one leg up placing it carefully on a tiny little pedal as the other leg flew over the narrow seat and rested on the opposing  pedal. My hands grasped Mark’s shoulders as I slowly sat down on the narrow leather seat. I felt like chocking up, I was unable to breath, the large helmet closed around my face, cradling my chin and covering my ears and cheeks only allowing a narrow opening for my eyes to see and nose to breath. I asked Mark repeatedly “Are you sure this is safe? The last time I did this I was nine years old.” And Mark kept reassuring me “Trust me it is very safe, you will feel the freedom you have always longed for”

As Mark started to move very slowly with his motorcycle I relaxed for a few seconds giving full and utter trust in Mark’s abilities and the fact that he has been riding since a very young age. Just as I was starting to talk myself into the reliability of what I was on, I found my legs thrown off of the pedals and crashing against the cement floor as the motorcycle fought to hold itself up. I got off the bike in a heart beat as Mark tried to lift it off its tilted angel with all the strength he had in his legs. Once the bike was up again, standing the way a bike should stand I hesitated for a few seconds before hoping back on it. I didn’t want to make Mark feel that he was not competent at what he loved to do the most and yet the fear of my life being under someone else’s hands was overwhelming. Needless to say, the need and desire to make Mark feel that I still trusted him over took my fear and I was back on the bike, pretending like nothing happened. As we started to drive off again, this time moving a lot faster I felt my heart was gonna throw itself outside of my chest and give up on me.

“Why do I always do that to myself?”  I wondered “Why is it always someone else’s feelings that I worry about a lot more than mine?” I was afraid, so afraid all I was able to do was come to terms that this was how I was gonna die. I kept repeating prayers in my mind and heart as my arms wrapped themselves around Mark’s waist. I kept asking God to forgive all my sins and forgive any bad I had done in my life, and as I kept praying and visualizing my death we came to a halt and I was surrounded by other bikers all parked in front of a bike store chatting away and purchasing things for their bikes. Once we were off the bikes, Mark took off and went inside the store to check out helmets as I stood outside observing all the people around me, watching their facial expressions and seeing them wave a polite hello to me. Mark appeared again and asked me to go in the store with him and check it out, I obediently did that, out of worry of being left alone with the death machine.

Against all my wishful prayers, we got on the bike again and this time I was sure we were gonna die. Mark was a pro at driving a Harley and I should have felt safe internally, the anguish was beyond my understanding, the images in my head were overwhelming me as the wind crashed itself against my face and body. We stopped again at a gas station before our long trip to the sea, he asked me again at the gas station if I was ok and up for the ride and humbly I said “Yes I am ready for it” unknowingly to him that I had come to terms that God had planned my death on that very day, on that motorcycle, on a long desert road towards the sea that I was sure I would never see.

The Harley was filled up with gas, our helmets were back on our heads, my hands were balanced on marks shoulders and we were off onto the highway that is known to have killed hundreds of thousands of people. I prayed again and again, and asked for forgiveness from God in every possible form and envisioned how mad my mom would be on the day of my funeral that I actually got on a motorcycle and never told her. As all these fears and images came flashing by me something started happening to me a very unexpected turn of events. My prayers became more positive; I started asking God to bless me with a wonderful life filled with the wonderful freedom I was feeling internally at this very moment. My arms loosened from around mark’s waist and they now leaned casually on his shoulders. My head tilted up towards the sky watching the clouds form all sorts of shapes and animals. I forgot all my fears and I felt like I was one with nature and life. I lost track of life and all my worries and my mind seemed to venture in all the right directions with all the right thoughts and right expectations. Reality would come crashing at me the minute Mark would caress my leg to make sure I was doing fine and I would remember that I was on a motorcycle and not up there in the clouds having an out of body experience. Even when I would come back to reality and notice where I really was, there was nothing but utmost joy in my heart, the fear had dissipated itself into a world that refused to accept its presence anymore.

After half an hour of the most amazing ride of my life, Mark asked me if I wanted a cigarette break and I screamed out loudly “YES” with a giddy smile and a laughter I had no more control over. We stopped, I took of my helmet and started to jump up and down with loving joy. I thanked Mark for making me take this trip with him, I thanked him with all my heart at the amazing experience he just provided me with. My heart was filled with gratitude and love for this man, he took me out of my worries and gave me freedom unlike any other known to man. Once we were done we hoped back onto the bike and I was ecstatic to get back on it again, I could not wait to have the wind blow up against my body or the rush of excitement that came with speed, or the basic feeling of my soul freed outside of my body.

We continued our ride some more and in another half hour found a bike stop over where all the other motorcycles stopped to talk and take a break. As we sat down on a table sipping on our coffees we watched all the other bikers getting ready to leave, and the rush I felt inside as I watched them drive away made me crave to get on the bike again.

A small discussion went on between me and Mike and we both came to terms that it would take us another hour to get to the sea and then another hour to enjoy the beauty of nature and an hour and half to drive back. This was all going to be hard to do before sunset and therefore decided to head back into town and do this trip another day. My heart ached a bit when we decided upon that, I wanted to see the sea so badly, just to complete this wonderful feeling I had inside. I need that final closure to that wonderful ride, and the one way of feeling that and doing it was to actually be by the sea and meditate to the sound of the waves.

As we drove back, I forgot the urge to see the water and the waves and felt elated again to be on the motorcycle. The wind was getting stronger and my body felt that it would fly off the bike at any moment, but I didn’t care the least bit, I was on this bike and my soul was over joyed, I had no fears I only had an abundance of love in my heart and wanted to cherish every second of it.

What I learnt was that fear is conquerable because it is something that does not exists outside of ones mind. Those random images that kept my stomach turned over and my heart racing were only images conjured by my own mind. Once I faced my fear, came terms with it and accepted it as only a fear, I actually broke free of it. It did not exist anymore, it could not exist anymore because all those images fled away and they didn’t stop me from going ahead and doing what the “fear” tried its best to stop me from doing.

Fear froze me yet the conquering of it set me free to find a new hobby that allows my soul to drift off into wonderful realms of my true reality. Bless you Mark for the persistence on getting me on that Bike and thanks for showing me the beauty that exists outside my own mind.

For the Poem Click on ” I must admit 

Simplicity of Honesty

Bungalo that i stayed in Maldives

Chocked up……the tears were logged up in my throat making it hard for me to utter a word and so instead I kept waving goodbye to all the islands residence with a forced smile upon my face.

The hardest part about leaving the island was that the people were incredibly nice, unlike anything I had ever met before. Although my trip was only for four days, I have to admit that it took me three days to truly believe these people no ulterior motive other than just simply being nice and wanting to help for nothing in return. Sadly by the time I started to get used to it and I allowed for my defenses to go down I was heading out of the island and back to my regular life. The upside to this was that I didn’t enjoy the freedom of trust for too long therefore not making it hard for me to safe guard myself again with all the necessary weapons to shield me from the hypocrisy and lies that I seem to always be surrounded by.

As I worked on building up my mistrust of others during my plane ride back I noticed a sadness that came along with it. What had happened to the world, where have people left their honesty? As I sat indulged in that thought I realized that all my mistrust was sprouting out of the place I was living in. The dishonesty was in every corner and the people always had an ulterior motive when wanting to interact with me or others. Being one to always fight against dishonesty I tried to maintain my truth with no regard to anyone’s perception of who I am. This method has burnt me out and driven me mad yet I still persist on keeping it as a large part of who I am hoping that one day others will see that truth does not hurt as much as the lies do.

One of the biggest liars I have encountered recently is my boss, an ignorant man who does nothing all day except talk about everyone behind their back in despicable mannerism. I have learnt to shut the door of my office to keep him at bay, yet there are times where he has no decency to stay out, therefore forcing himself into my office space with some new gossip that he is itching to share. On many occasions he has tried to dig me a hole to fall in to In the same manner he does everything else in his life. Since I do have luck on my side I always tend to find out and correct it in front of him and those that were lied to making him get several warnings for his actions. He points the finger at the clients saying they take illegal money yet knowing for sure that he is the one leading the illegality. His hopes and dreams are for me to leave the project yet his kindness in front of me is beyond words always a shock when I find out what was said behind my back.

I built up as much defenses as I could, but at the end only a liar can deal with a liar and proudly I say “I do not resort to lying”. So yes, on my way back from the land of Honesty I was chocked up tears wanted to gush down and the desire to run into the arms of the resort residence was profound, yet I had to have control over my desires. And on the plane I had to let go of the notion of comfort and start my defense mechanism all over again, not knowing what to expect when I get back to work, not knowing what new stabbing mechanism was manufactured in my absence.

The beach right across from the Bungalo...beautiful sand

One thing I have learnt is that only the same types of people know how to get along with one another. An honest person will rarely believe that the person in front of them is lying, it is something they don’t do therefore they don’t detect easily. A person with ethical values have no means of believing that the person in front of them have no ethical values since they themselves only mange life through those values. A jealous person is unable to make sense of a person who feels no jealousy. It is a true fact when it is said that “like stick to like” and if you’re not in rhythm with who you’re dealing with then you will never be able to fight their fight using their weapons cause your weapons are of a different kind only able to be used with your “like”.

Spit me out

Are we destined to live nothing more than a normal life? Is it a wonder how the mind works its ways around the strangeness of life while dictating the root of life in which we need to take? My mind has come to a standstill as my heart screams out to take the step I need to take. Fear is an illusion that the mind finds itself hanging on to for reasoning. Images of all the wrongs that may take place if I make my move filter into my core with a strong force; stronger than the agony of my screaming heart “get out”.

I have come to understand the energy of the earth, I have come to learn that there are places which eat up at my everlasting confidence while in other places I ignite with the confidence in which I like to call “My lucky self”.  The crumbs of good of one place are the same crumbs of bad that I would avoid in another place. What I may allow upon myself in the piece of earth I reside in at the moment, I would have adamantly refused to co-exist with in another land, another place, in the lands which give me back “My lucky self”.

In previous times I had refused to lay the burden of my ailments on the land in which I built my world on, I persisted that it was all my fault that I should look at all the positives I possess and filter it into my daily life. The tiny specs of positives that I would find would allow me to carry on, expecting that I am doing what is good for me. Upon my travelling into another land the positives that overwhelm me multiply with every step I take making the little positives of the land I live in seem like the negatives I feel them to have always been. Once I start my descend into my temporary home land the efforts of finding the positive start to roll again with agonizing efforts to accept the place I am in.

In time I have come to realize that the earth has an energy for every soul, it knows who to spit out and who to keep, it values its humans to a degree that the human is unable to value themselves in. Negatives start to build themselves into fortresses making it harder and harder for the human to hold onto the crumbs of positivity they have worked so hard to find.

I am free to chose, I have the freedom to live, yet my mind seems adamant on holding on to the fears of an unknown future. I am unable to break free of my fears, they hold more prominence than the few moments of joyous relief I feel internally when I let go of the fear and allow my heart to wonder the earth of large possibilities.

The list has been written, the negatives have over risen, the positives have depleted and now I am left with nothing but my fears of my decision. Ten months going into eleven and I am still chained by my fears to the earth that is trying to spit me out.

My ruling planet is Guilt

I have eight hours left to go to the airport and I have a million and one things to finish off before I travel. My body is on an adrenalin rush needing to finish off all the pending issues that I have all over my desk at work. Naturally the time I need with the paper work load is not enough with all the people walking in and out of my office requiring an immediate approval or problem solving issue to be handled on the spot. The coffee has gotten cold, I had merely taken a sip or two three hours ago, and this realization had come into it’s full fruition when I tried to take a sip of it as I typed away at my keyboard. I have phosteds all over my computer screen reminding me of all the things I have yet to do and I start to panic. I need to be out of here in six hours, I have not packed my suitcase yet, I have a guy coming over to my apartment to fix a leakage in the bathroom, I have to rush to the bank to deposit a check that has been laying on my coffee table for the last two weeks and I have to buy my mom her long awaited for scented candles to take with me. I have to buy a toys for my nieces and nephews and I promised my brother to get him Dexter season 3, which requires me to call the Chinese DVD guy to come to my house for me to purchase them from him. Can I fit all this in six hours? Only if I plan things correctly and efficiently will I be able to do all this and still have time to take a quick shower.

My phone rings, and it’s a friend from out of town, she heard I was coming and decided to request something of me, knowing that I only have five hours left for my flight. The request is simple, but the time I have left is not, I can’t afford to do it for her, it is completely out of the question and out of my way. I listen attentively to her deep need for this camera that she is hoping I find in Dubai, my hands are starting to sweat, my body is starting to tense up as I add a new errand to my list of things to do four hours before I have to head off to the airport. I am unable to say “no” to her, although I expressed the deep stress I am under and the lack of time I have, I am still unable to simply say “no, I am sorry, but I really can’t, I have no time at all.” I cancel out on taking my shower and I decide to go to the bank to deposit my check once I get back. I have dodged the important things that I had to do for myself and prioritized others, not so urgent, requests of me and my time.

Yes, I do confess that I am a Sagittarius with my ruling planet being Guilt. According to the Wikipedia the word guilt in psychology, as well as in ordinary language is:

1-      Guilt is an affective state in which one experiences conflict at having done something that one believes one should not have done or conversely, having not done something one believes one should have done.

2-      Guilt is a cognitive or an emotional experience that occurs when a person realizes or believes—accurately or not—that he or she has violated a moral standard, and bears significant responsibility for that violation.

3-      The state of having committed an offense

In knowing the precise definition of my ruling planet, I am yet to figure out how I could have possibly acquired, by my own will, the feeling that I have “violated a moral standard” or “committed an offense”. When did I turn around and make the guilt of saying “no, I can’t” be associated with committing an offense?? Should it not be the other way around? In which the other party, requesting the unreasonable, feels the guilt for inconveniencing my time?

I felt guilty because my friend sounded desperate, yet the object of desperation held no immediate need to be purchased. Unlike the desperate importance of having to purchase a medication for a very ill person where I was the only one able to find it in the country I resided in. And yet, with all the knowledge that I have about my guilt, I am still unable to put my needs and wants first, the ability of not fulfilling someone else’s whims are lost to me. In doing, so I have procrastinated a thousand things that I could have done for myself when I needed it to be done.

There are times where I just want to sit at home and contemplate a thought, paint a canvas, read a new book, listen to music, search the web or start writing the first chapter of my book. In all these cases I am filtered with guilt at the thought that I may prefer doing all those things instead of going out to dinner with a friend cause she is in the mood to be out, or purchase an item at the mall for someone that has no time to do it themselves, or make a few phone calls on behalf of someone else cause they lack the ability to make that call themselves. It has even reached the extent of changing my own holiday plans to a destination I don’t want to be in just to please someone else’s constant need for my presence in a constant cycle of futile problems. You would think my guilt arose out of a true reason to feel guilt, like tripping someone as they walk, putting gum in your sisters hair, putting your bill on the table sitting next to you, crashing your friends car the list can go on…but not for putting your needs first.

Guilt for nothing is useless, it eats up a lot of time and effort that could be put into something more fruitful and beneficial to a long term plan you have made for yourself. Guilt is like large ditch on the road, slowing down the natural speed of the vehicle that is meant to take you from point A to point B. it makes you detour from your own organized path to fulfill someone else’s path as they continue driving from their point A to their point B with no ditches to procrastinate their reaching point B and moving on to point C with ease.

It’s a work in progress to be able to incorporate the word “No” into my dictionary, for hopes of finally being able to reach my point B and start planning for my point C.

Trip on Coach in a Garden

I stared at my computer, contemplating the possibilities of travelling to where all my faithful friends have gone for their summer vacation. My sister had made her phone calls a direct threat to any of my “not going” contemplation thoughts. For long periods of time i just kept going back and forth and looking at the new empty seats on the plan, begging me to book it, asking me to go.

To my surprise, and lack of interest in my job, i booked a 48 hour trip to Egypt, Sahel, Hacienda……YIPPIIIII…..i actually took the decision, got on a plane and was heading out of my life in Dubai to beach, friends and unconditional love.

My sis took out her amazingly comfortable L shaped couch and placed it in the garden. We went no where after that. It was our butts and the couch, people came and went, kids splattered water in the pool, fought and made up, yet still, to no avail, our butts NEVER left that couch.

The sun came up, the sun went down, the mood came out, the stars shone down, and we just sat, and sat and sat. The couches would empty out and fill up again, people coming and going yet me and my sister were constant residence of the COUCH.

We ventured into the lives of each passer-by, we got some to stick on the couch with us. We spoke about marriage, kids, religion, life, NLP, divorces, depressions, life as it is and is not, books and movies. We listened to our Ipods that blessed us with supporting music to all our different and diverse conversations.

One specific book was rotating amongst all Couch residents, i found it in the airport and could not believe what the content was about. I picked it up and bought it. we spent the first day staring at the pictures and pondering the facts of how a person can ever revert from one life and succumb to another willingly.

The book is called Married to a Bedouin

The songs we listened to were:
Te Amo (2-Trak)

Parachute

On the Radio
For Your Entertainment

Love Supply

Dead And Gone (Featuring Justin Timberlake)[12 inch vinyl single]

She Said being my ultimate obsession for 4 weeks now 🙂

I came back revived and yet sadder then ever before, all is well there and all is not well here, contemplation of life, what is there to offer if the ones you love exist somewhere else? The purpose of such a thing is hard to handle, and that is when the mind and the heart must start a battle. The Intuitive Mind becomes more confused. The heart/mind objective is scattered with questions and uncertainty.

I walked out into the dark night, with the ones i love, waving at the front door while reassuring me of their undying love. Tears welled up in my eyes, and disaster filled my heart. There was no choice, work had to get done, my life outside of that world had to be pursued. Sadly i turned my face, took a deep breath walking into the car that would take me back to Dubai, back to my work, back to my cats and blog.

Had to add the above paintings/pictures showing the Couch in which people would come and go from, some of the residence on the couch in the picture actually became part of the couch. Picture on the right is the view that we had.