Vanishing Time


In a world where “time” seems to vanish into thin air while “things to do” keep lingering on with constant hope of catching “time”, I am left to wonder where is time vanishing too?

The alarm rings at 8:00am and I keep snoozing it for an hour hoping to get more sleep yet dreading the wasted minutes that are passing me by. That hour of snoozing is a restless hour, filled with thoughts and continues demands to enjoy my sleep. A battle deep within me makes it impossible to fall back into the wonders of my dreams and away from the schedules of my reality.

I finally push the covers off my body, jump out of bed and rush to the bathroom. It is at this point on that I am unable to relax, every minute counts, every second makes a difference and the whole schedule starts to form itself accordingly. I flip through my clothes in the closet in hopes of finding something I feel comfortable with, knowing that I will be out of the house all day with no hope of coming home to take an hour break I had to choose something that would last me all day long.

Within 10 minutes I am done getting dressed and go off into the TV room to have my mug of coffee and cigarette before I have to rush out of the house. I walk into the TV room to find my mom already there fully dressed and sipping on her coffee in delight watching the news channel. I sit with her as we have a quick update of both our mornings and then immediately finish off my coffee as I move myself towards my laptop to check my e-mails, wondering if there is anything that needs to be done before I have to leave. As it just so happens, there is always something to be done, and so in complete indulgence I dive into work mode, hearing nothing and answering no one. My mom tries to open topics with me and all that keeps coming out of my mouth are the words, “yes”, “oh”, “really” and “hmmmm”. Recently I have learnt to add the word “no” to my response system since I had found myself saying “yes” to things I have no interest in doing or the time to do.

Hours keep passing by as work over takes my entire soul, i can’t seem to stop, I can’t find a way to stop. One thing takes me into the next and into the next and in no time 3 hours have already passed and I haven’t seen the streets yet. I am already running late, my phone won’t stop ringing and I finally pick it up to go through all my bbm’s, my missed calls and any sms’s. I roll away from my desk, switch off the lap top, and rush back into the bathroom to wash my face again, brush my teeth and put on my flip flops. I return back to the tv room to pack up my lap top to take it to work with me and to my dismay my mom has a list of things she wants of me. I stand there on edge, all that is running through my mind is “I have no time, I have no time, I have no time.” Therefore I have not heard 50% of what was requested of me. I kiss her good bye and rush out the door carrying my lap top and hand bag that weights a 100 kilos from the weight of all the notebooks and books I have wedged into it.

At last I am on the road, its already 1:00pm and I am so far away from where I should be. The traffic is insane and I know that I am spending a good hour, if not more, on the road. I pick up my phone, attaché the head set to it and go through all my missed calls and unanswered bbm’s. As I am driving at no more than 3 miles an hour I am able to return all my phone calls and respond to all the bbm’s and sms’s.  Finally an hour later I arrive to work excited to get hold of my lap top again and start working on all the things that I had to cut short to get out of the house. As I park the car and walk towards my work in the Art Café I am bombarded by a whole bunch of people who are there taking classes or asking about the classes we offer there.

Quick summary about my job: It’s a place that me and two other friends decided to open together, a place where people can go and enjoy a few hours in a very artistic environment that provides nothing but art. It was 7 years ago that the idea became a reality and its been taken care of solely by one partner. I had spend a good two years in it then I left town for a good 5 years and finally my partners decided to convince me to come back and be fully involved. I came back to an amazing environment that was filled with people and over 30 different types of creative art classes. Our business had expanded and all the people in Cairo knew the name “Art Café”. I was so proud of my partner, she had done a great job at marketing the place and I was wondering how we were making no profit at all. That is when my role came in, I needed a base for it, a solid base, formats, schedules, prices, cost estimates etc….New branches needed to open up, yet was impossible to do with the lack of any profit we were receiving. We were requested to be more available in different areas in Cairo. We needed to expand in so many ways and that is when all the work began. On the other hand I also had my passions that I needed to pursue, reiki and NLP coaching. And so I revamped a room to turn it into a quiet reiki and NLP room.

So going back to the day: As I walked in to the Art Café I realized that getting any work done on my lap top was going to be near impossible. There were workers there renovating the space outdoors, there were workers inside painting the walls. There were children working on an array of art projects, adults coming in to take their art classes and the whole staff running around like headless chickens. Luckily my partner is there also and we try to find any place to go and have a quick update on the new upcoming art season, to no avail. We are able to exchange a few words every few hours, as we are being asked a tone of other things to do and work on.

By 7pm the day has calmed down and there is just one class taking place and the Art Café is silent with the amazing background music taking over the silence. I take out my lap top and with a joy in my heart, I take a seat to get some work done. I look at my phone and realize there is a whole new set of bbm’s, and missed calls. I decide to return the calls which eat up another hour of my day as the evening plans with friends take place. I do a few NLP’s on friends over the phone to help them out with a few issues and work on 1 or two people in Art Café who need a quick reiki for a certain emotional or physical pain.

Its already 8:30pm and I have not worked on any of the things I needed to work on, my own personal deadlines. I close my lap top, pack my things, say bye to everyone still working in Art Café and head off to my social outing. Another hour in the car, and this time I choose to hear my music blaring on blast to stop my brain from thinking. The music provokes more thoughts and so as I sit stuck in traffic I take out my note pad and jot down all the things running through my mind, my schedule gets even larger.

Finally I get to my destination point, hop out of the car, leave my lap top in the car, take my hand bag as the phone is wedged between my shoulder and my right ear talking to my friends, figuring out where they are located. As I walk in, I take a deep breath and realize what a great feeling it is to disconnect and just hang out with my friends for a bit, somewhere outside of work and all the work things I can’t stop thinking about.

The evening turns out to be very interesting, different friends join in as others leave and I find myself sitting there for at least another 3 hours, enjoying every minute of it. It’s already past 12:00am and I start itching to leave, worried about my sleep and the morning snooze. I finally get up, get in my car again and head home. It’s around 1:30 am as I park the car, exhausted and totally burnt out, my eyes burn, my head is throbbing and my shoulders are completely knotted up.

I get home, go into my bedroom and rip the clothes off my body as I rush to get into the shower. the excitement of putting on my pj’s is overwhelming and I relish every item I put on. Sleep has left me, and I am wide awake again, I go into the tv room, my mom is already fast asleep and so I have time on my own, time to just flip through he tv channels and zone out into a good show or movie. My cats greet me with an amazing amount of love as I take out their brushes and start to groom them while I watch something interesting on tv. Once done, I flop on the couch and get into a state of mind filled with nothing but interest in what I am watching.

Its 2:30 am and finally I am sleepy again, I switch off the tv set, say good night to my cats and head towards my bedroom. I cozy up inside the covers, take out my eye glasses, pick up my book that is perfectly placed on my bedside table, and I start to read. No less than half hour later my book has returned to its designated spot, my glasses are thrown into their box and I am fast asleep, inside my world of dreams and love.

Things are still pending, time has passed me by, and I have gotten only 60% of things done. Time seems to pass me by, life seems to fly by without my being able to catch it. If only I can find Time, if only I can hold it down and tell it to wait…wait for a bit…..wait for me….wait I have so much I have to do, so many things I want to do…..STOP and wait for me.

When does it become unacceptable?

Anger boils over inside of me as Jack asked “Well did he hit you?”

“No” Emily says, surprised that he would even ask that question. Was all what she was saying not enough to walk out on her current relationship? My face was starting to hurt from the frown that had over taken my face for the past half hour, listening to Emily re-tell her story with her husband to Jack as tears rolled down her face. I couldn’t understand why Jack was even asking if her husband was hitting her? What relevance did that have to do with the pain Emily has been suffering for years with this man?

I asked him point blank “What relevance does this have? Is it not enough that He is constantly swearing at her, slamming doors all over the house, being completely impolite to any member of her family or any of her friends that enter her house, he doesn’t give her money to be able to support the house hold requirements and her baby girls requirements yet spends a ton on his friends and his entertainment, he is out partying every single night without her, he doesn’t allow her to go to bars or clubs at night without him even though he does constantly, he has caused his little girl to wake up screaming at night fearing that her father would kill her mother, he sits and does nothing in the house except talk on the phone to his buddies laughing or flipping through tv channels as she keeps running around the house fixing things, he uses his kids for his social outings to be accepted in society, he doesn’t allow her to work so she doesn’t attract the attention of the opposite sex” I take a deep breath in, calm myself down and asked calmly “So answer this Jack, what does it matter, to you, if he hits her or not?” Jack looked at me surprised as though I was asking him a question about giving birth and how he felt during it. I repeated my question to him more aggressively and he finally responded saying “Well since he does not hit her, then they can work things out. hitting her would be unacceptable in every way possible.”

Shocked out of my wits I didn’t know how to answer him back, all that rummaged through my mind was the fact that if a woman ever dared do all that to her husband she would be banished by everyone including her family, they would tell her that it is up to her to make this marriage work. Any man who went to complain about the same things would have given the green light for every human being (male or female) to reprimand the woman until she breaks down in humiliation for her actions. Yet when a woman complains about being mistreated on a daily basis the world tends to stand by his side and ask the woman to accept it as long as she is not being physically abused. She is supposed to take in his infidelity, his rudeness, his verbal condemning ways, his absence physically and financially and only be able to make a valid stand if he went out of his way and hit her.

Strange how this type of injustice is not accepted upon animals and yet upon women it is considered bad, yet not unjust. A woman is put in a position today to accept all that is done to her by a man because he has not physically abused her YET. A woman is expected to be the brains in the family, the glue that holds everything together regardless of what her mental state has become because of all the degrading ways she has been treated.  A woman has to turn a blind eye to her husband having affairs hoping that he will one day come to his senses, but when that day never comes she has to confront him and in return the society gives the excuse of him being a “Man” and men need more than one woman. She is then asked yet again to accept it and be a better wife to her husband cause she was probably the reason he went to another woman for sex. If a woman cheats on her husband she is thrown to the gutters, her kids are taken away from her, her marriage is over, her is shunned out from society with not a single word mentioned that it could have possibly been the husbands fault.

What really gets to me is this, after my talk with Emily and Jack, I found Emily agreeing with Jack, seeing his point of view, assessing the situation and wronging herself the whole time. She provoked his anger, she allowed him to neglect her and stop spending money on her and the family, it was her fault she was too busy taking care of the house and her child and her new pregnancy, of course he would go mad and naturally she thanked God that he never hit her “He is a good man that he never hit me. I would have left for sure.”

And in that ended the whole pain she had been suffering for years with her husband. I later on found out that all her girlfriends gave her a similar advice and sad as it was, women accept this upon themselves. Women will tell women to stick around in a horrible relationship, with a cheating man, with a stingy guy, with a man who has temper management issues and tell the woman it is all in her hands to make this work.

When have we ever become the weaker sex? We are able to give birth, take care of a house, go to work, socialize with the world and sleep for a maximum of six hours a night and still have the ability to do everything and more than any man could even dream of. What happened to reprimanding a man for his misconduct and behavior, who said it was ok? Who said that we were born, as women, to live this way? How come every man gets away with murder and women can’t get away with an extra hour of sleep if needed?

Women know how to build fear in other women, making them accept the unacceptable. Telling them horror stories of what life would look like if she did leave her husband “You will not be able to support yourself, you have not worked for years.” Or “What about the kids? They need a father figure” or “Live with it till your kids are old enough then leave”or “ Who will every marry a woman with children? It is too much baggage. So it is best to stay with the man who helped in procreating them.”

What women don’t understand is this “If women stood up and supported one another and did not accept to be treated in such a disturbing disregard to their humanity then men will have no choice but to stop.” As long as the world accommodates such actions and only the visual physical abuse is the allowed reason to leave a man, women will always be where they are today, and they will keep procreating more men that abuse their women, cause women don’t know how to stand up for their human rights.

If every woman keeps accepting this as a way of life, and if women will always advise women to be the abused member of the family then things will never change and women will always be spat on. Her kids will also treat her with disrespect the way their father had, and they will repeat the same pattern onto their wives in the future and every woman will again tell that woman in pain “It is ok, it is all in your hands, you’re the smarter one. Men are like children let him do his thing, and you stay the good wife, he will come around. As long as he didn’t hit you then you can fix it.”

Emilie’s story is one of the many stories I have came across in all these years of watching and listening to couples. With such sadness I have to say that I might have met one in every 30 marriages where there is a balanced relationship between man and woman. What women don’t understand is this: they are telling their daughters that it is ok to be treated this way and they are telling their sons it is ok to treat a woman this way. They think they are making life better for their children when in reality they are allowing the same patterns to continue to evolve and have no regard to how their daughters will be treated in the future or how their sons will treat women.

Listen carefully to what is being said and done…..

Sitting chilling at home with my brother as I put on my face masks and watch the colbert report i heard the most interesting interview. This is what i saw:

Then my brother gets up walks towards his computer and starts to show me another show that has the same person being interview on another show. So i decided to have you watch that too.

Finally, my brother wanted to prove to me that even in 2003 a sheikh in a mosque had given a very interesting insight into what is going ot take place in the world in the very near future, and so i decided to make you watch this one too:

Simplicity of Honesty

Bungalo that i stayed in Maldives

Chocked up……the tears were logged up in my throat making it hard for me to utter a word and so instead I kept waving goodbye to all the islands residence with a forced smile upon my face.

The hardest part about leaving the island was that the people were incredibly nice, unlike anything I had ever met before. Although my trip was only for four days, I have to admit that it took me three days to truly believe these people no ulterior motive other than just simply being nice and wanting to help for nothing in return. Sadly by the time I started to get used to it and I allowed for my defenses to go down I was heading out of the island and back to my regular life. The upside to this was that I didn’t enjoy the freedom of trust for too long therefore not making it hard for me to safe guard myself again with all the necessary weapons to shield me from the hypocrisy and lies that I seem to always be surrounded by.

As I worked on building up my mistrust of others during my plane ride back I noticed a sadness that came along with it. What had happened to the world, where have people left their honesty? As I sat indulged in that thought I realized that all my mistrust was sprouting out of the place I was living in. The dishonesty was in every corner and the people always had an ulterior motive when wanting to interact with me or others. Being one to always fight against dishonesty I tried to maintain my truth with no regard to anyone’s perception of who I am. This method has burnt me out and driven me mad yet I still persist on keeping it as a large part of who I am hoping that one day others will see that truth does not hurt as much as the lies do.

One of the biggest liars I have encountered recently is my boss, an ignorant man who does nothing all day except talk about everyone behind their back in despicable mannerism. I have learnt to shut the door of my office to keep him at bay, yet there are times where he has no decency to stay out, therefore forcing himself into my office space with some new gossip that he is itching to share. On many occasions he has tried to dig me a hole to fall in to In the same manner he does everything else in his life. Since I do have luck on my side I always tend to find out and correct it in front of him and those that were lied to making him get several warnings for his actions. He points the finger at the clients saying they take illegal money yet knowing for sure that he is the one leading the illegality. His hopes and dreams are for me to leave the project yet his kindness in front of me is beyond words always a shock when I find out what was said behind my back.

I built up as much defenses as I could, but at the end only a liar can deal with a liar and proudly I say “I do not resort to lying”. So yes, on my way back from the land of Honesty I was chocked up tears wanted to gush down and the desire to run into the arms of the resort residence was profound, yet I had to have control over my desires. And on the plane I had to let go of the notion of comfort and start my defense mechanism all over again, not knowing what to expect when I get back to work, not knowing what new stabbing mechanism was manufactured in my absence.

The beach right across from the Bungalo...beautiful sand

One thing I have learnt is that only the same types of people know how to get along with one another. An honest person will rarely believe that the person in front of them is lying, it is something they don’t do therefore they don’t detect easily. A person with ethical values have no means of believing that the person in front of them have no ethical values since they themselves only mange life through those values. A jealous person is unable to make sense of a person who feels no jealousy. It is a true fact when it is said that “like stick to like” and if you’re not in rhythm with who you’re dealing with then you will never be able to fight their fight using their weapons cause your weapons are of a different kind only able to be used with your “like”.

Trust in Alex -part 6

Not long after that encounter I slid into an unbelievable sadness internally. The whole conversation that was carried out that day was enough to make me wanna emasculate every male within arms reach.

There was nothing that I could say or do, I was getting the inside scoop from a man and it seems that men had figured out ways to lie so easily and find no reason to stay faithful. I lost hope in the ugliest of ways making me stare at every passing man at work and wonder what his intentions were and who they are sleeping with behind their wives back. My sister was the first one I called up a few days after my conversation with Alex, I need someone to band aid my pink bubble actually I need to find the remains of the pink bubble to be able to band aid it back together again. My loving sister who is married with two kids calmed me down as much as she could possibly have, being a girl herself I didn’t believe she was in on the male secret either and I felt like I was the only one who got to know the ins and outs of what was really taking place in the male mind.

Since I was wide eyed for weeks later and skeptical I actually started to notice that his words were true. I was out on a date one night in a lounge with a singer and people drinking, having fun and dancing at own free will. As I swayed to the music lip singing along with the words of the song “Hey Jude” a large British man came to stand and talk to me and my date. He was obviously drunk and was spitting his words out to us. We laughed at him, but I kept my eye on him as he moved a few inches away from us. I noticed a woman walking up to him slamming her body against his as her hands rubbed up and down his pants. So I thought “how cute love birds.” The next minute i find British guy making a  phone call and a few seconds later  screaming into it “Hi baby, I love you………yes I am out with the guys……..yeah they are singing our song…….” Then he lifts his arm up in the air, phone in hand and starts to yell to everyone in the bar “THIS IS MY WIFE ON THE PHONE….EVERYONE SAY HI TO HER…IT IS MY BIRTHDAY TODAY AND I COULDN’T BE WTH HER CAUSE I AM ON A BUISNESS TRIP” he puts the phone back on his ear to continue to scream words of love to her as the girl that threw herself on him continued to rub him up and down, rotate around him as her body stuck to his, sliding up and down his legs and kissing him on the lips. He didn’t stop her; he kissed back and with his free hand rubbed back. So yes, I had proof that Alex had been right this whole time. This man’s wife trusted that he was having a good time with his buddies; little did she know that he was being rubbed up against and kissed as she was on the phone with him. Needless to say my dates ended pretty fast.

In the months that followed I saw Alex rarely and I was glad of it. His wife delivered their second baby and now they both had to work hard to manage the house and two screaming children. I know that Alex stopped telling me anything after that day because one day when he did come over to my site office he disclosed to me that as he was on his face book  his wife went into his inbox and read a message between him and this girl that made her fly off the handle. I felt a bit of joy internally as I heard him tell me that; hoping that she finally saw him for who he truly was. Sadly that was not the case; he continued to explain to me how he sweet talked her into not believing what she read. He said he took her out for a romantic dinner, bought her a gift and all was well and done, he never left messages in his in box again. I resorted to never speak of relationships with Alex again after that, especially that the very last thing that was said to me on that awkward day was “ Rain if you don’t believe me, then I want you to do one thing for me. Whenever you date someone who is a potential long term guy bring him to me, lets go out together I will get a few of my girlfriends with me and I will test him for you, I will prove to you that in no time he will flirt and be ready to have sex with one of my girlfriends. But don’t worry I wont let him, all I will do is tell one of my girlfriends to send him a discreet message, flirt with him a bit on the table, give him hope of being open to sleep with him and have you watch how he starts reacting to that. I am gonna do this to help you see the truth.” I told him no thanks, I was not interested in that type of test and it ended at that.

Alex and his wife are still together, I don’t know much about what has been going on, Alex has been trying to show me how busy he has been caring for her and his two kids, and I am not interested to hear anything more about it. In a strange way Alex was the one who prompted me to write his story, I had asked him several times if he is sure he wants me to do that, and he insisted on me going ahead and writing it. So here it is, his story and in hopes that for any women who is actually in such a relationship to know that her gut feelings are correct even if she is unable to find the proof cause her partner is a pro at hiding it. I still believe there are good men out there, there must be, there are men who are decent who hold high respect for women and respect for themselves.

Life is interesting, relationships are interesting but i  believe in honesty, if a couple want to go ahead and venture into an experimental world together i have to admit i hold no skepticism in that regard, but once there is cheating which naturally involes lying then i hold a great disrespect for that person especially if it is something they hold proudly in their belt of accomplishments and have no regrets only pleasure that they have gotten away with it again.

 

Is it really relevant to lie to your spouse?

That is a question that has been evident in most of the marriages or relationships I have seen throughout my life, actually in more recent times of my life. How is it possible to establish a strong bond with someone, especially someone you are planning to spend the rest of your life with, upon the knowledge that there will be lies?

Lies come in many different degrees but they all matter and they are all considered lies. We grew up figuring out ways to lie to our parents not to get in trouble or we lie to get to do what our friends are doing that they have not permitted us to do. We learnt that lying gets us places with our parents. When we are asked if we did our homework, we immediately answer “yes” knowing that we will be allowed to do what we wanted to do once our homework was done. We learnt to lie and act sick when we were not in the mood to go to school cause we either had a teacher that hated us, or a friend that was causing agony to us or a crush we had actually liked someone else. We learnt to lie to our parents when all our friends were going out to a bar after curfew hours so that we could be there too, not understanding the reasons behind their constant need to put rules and regulations that other kids didn’t have.

So we have all learnt to lie to our parents to get our way, to receive their approval of who we are and to allow our true natures to blossom without the pressures of what our parents have enforced us to be. These were days of no self identity, if it were not so hard to find yourself and the pressures of what the parents expected out of you, then the lies would have no need to exist as part of your reality.

The question here is “Why would you continue to lie to your partner?” Your partner is someone you chose to spend the rest of your life with, he/she is not a parent holding a book of rules against you. Your partner is someone that should grow with you regardless of who you are and what your preferences in life are. In saying that, I am also stating that one should start a life with someone who has the same ideas, values and ethics; therefore eliminating the reasons for lies.

What is the point in choosing a spouse that would not approve the fact that you drink alcohol, then make sure to live your life proving that you are a saint. Why go for someone who enjoys the comforts of their home when you enjoy the comforts of a night club? What benefit will you get if you decide to express to your future spouse that you love having a family when in reality your need for family is the last thing on your mind? There are a thousand ways couples lie to one another just to be with the person they wish to be with, but these lies continue to grow in time as there are a lot of other things that go hand in hand with the first innocent lie, the true identity of the person who chose to lie.

We are not marrying our parents, there is no right and wrong when you have already grown up and realized who you are and what you are. There is no need to tell your spouse you don’t smoke yet you rush to the bathroom to have a cigarette after every meal as you spray perfume all over the bathroom so your spouse can’t smell it. These are acts we learnt to do with our parents, not acts we do with our partner. There is no need for that specific partner if you find a need to lie about any aspect of your life, your thoughts or what you believe.

Living in the clear is so much easier than living in the dark. We need to disassociate from the confines of our parents and take a look at the freedom we have today, the freedom to make our lives exactly what we want it to be with a partner that lives that same life we have worked so hard to have.