Vanishing Time

In a world where “time” seems to vanish into thin air while “things to do” keep lingering on with constant hope of catching “time”, I am left to wonder where is time vanishing too?

The alarm rings at 8:00am and I keep snoozing it for an hour hoping to get more sleep yet dreading the wasted minutes that are passing me by. That hour of snoozing is a restless hour, filled with thoughts and continues demands to enjoy my sleep. A battle deep within me makes it impossible to fall back into the wonders of my dreams and away from the schedules of my reality.

I finally push the covers off my body, jump out of bed and rush to the bathroom. It is at this point on that I am unable to relax, every minute counts, every second makes a difference and the whole schedule starts to form itself accordingly. I flip through my clothes in the closet in hopes of finding something I feel comfortable with, knowing that I will be out of the house all day with no hope of coming home to take an hour break I had to choose something that would last me all day long.

Within 10 minutes I am done getting dressed and go off into the TV room to have my mug of coffee and cigarette before I have to rush out of the house. I walk into the TV room to find my mom already there fully dressed and sipping on her coffee in delight watching the news channel. I sit with her as we have a quick update of both our mornings and then immediately finish off my coffee as I move myself towards my laptop to check my e-mails, wondering if there is anything that needs to be done before I have to leave. As it just so happens, there is always something to be done, and so in complete indulgence I dive into work mode, hearing nothing and answering no one. My mom tries to open topics with me and all that keeps coming out of my mouth are the words, “yes”, “oh”, “really” and “hmmmm”. Recently I have learnt to add the word “no” to my response system since I had found myself saying “yes” to things I have no interest in doing or the time to do.

Hours keep passing by as work over takes my entire soul, i can’t seem to stop, I can’t find a way to stop. One thing takes me into the next and into the next and in no time 3 hours have already passed and I haven’t seen the streets yet. I am already running late, my phone won’t stop ringing and I finally pick it up to go through all my bbm’s, my missed calls and any sms’s. I roll away from my desk, switch off the lap top, and rush back into the bathroom to wash my face again, brush my teeth and put on my flip flops. I return back to the tv room to pack up my lap top to take it to work with me and to my dismay my mom has a list of things she wants of me. I stand there on edge, all that is running through my mind is “I have no time, I have no time, I have no time.” Therefore I have not heard 50% of what was requested of me. I kiss her good bye and rush out the door carrying my lap top and hand bag that weights a 100 kilos from the weight of all the notebooks and books I have wedged into it.

At last I am on the road, its already 1:00pm and I am so far away from where I should be. The traffic is insane and I know that I am spending a good hour, if not more, on the road. I pick up my phone, attaché the head set to it and go through all my missed calls and unanswered bbm’s. As I am driving at no more than 3 miles an hour I am able to return all my phone calls and respond to all the bbm’s and sms’s.  Finally an hour later I arrive to work excited to get hold of my lap top again and start working on all the things that I had to cut short to get out of the house. As I park the car and walk towards my work in the Art Café I am bombarded by a whole bunch of people who are there taking classes or asking about the classes we offer there.

Quick summary about my job: It’s a place that me and two other friends decided to open together, a place where people can go and enjoy a few hours in a very artistic environment that provides nothing but art. It was 7 years ago that the idea became a reality and its been taken care of solely by one partner. I had spend a good two years in it then I left town for a good 5 years and finally my partners decided to convince me to come back and be fully involved. I came back to an amazing environment that was filled with people and over 30 different types of creative art classes. Our business had expanded and all the people in Cairo knew the name “Art Café”. I was so proud of my partner, she had done a great job at marketing the place and I was wondering how we were making no profit at all. That is when my role came in, I needed a base for it, a solid base, formats, schedules, prices, cost estimates etc….New branches needed to open up, yet was impossible to do with the lack of any profit we were receiving. We were requested to be more available in different areas in Cairo. We needed to expand in so many ways and that is when all the work began. On the other hand I also had my passions that I needed to pursue, reiki and NLP coaching. And so I revamped a room to turn it into a quiet reiki and NLP room.

So going back to the day: As I walked in to the Art Café I realized that getting any work done on my lap top was going to be near impossible. There were workers there renovating the space outdoors, there were workers inside painting the walls. There were children working on an array of art projects, adults coming in to take their art classes and the whole staff running around like headless chickens. Luckily my partner is there also and we try to find any place to go and have a quick update on the new upcoming art season, to no avail. We are able to exchange a few words every few hours, as we are being asked a tone of other things to do and work on.

By 7pm the day has calmed down and there is just one class taking place and the Art Café is silent with the amazing background music taking over the silence. I take out my lap top and with a joy in my heart, I take a seat to get some work done. I look at my phone and realize there is a whole new set of bbm’s, and missed calls. I decide to return the calls which eat up another hour of my day as the evening plans with friends take place. I do a few NLP’s on friends over the phone to help them out with a few issues and work on 1 or two people in Art Café who need a quick reiki for a certain emotional or physical pain.

Its already 8:30pm and I have not worked on any of the things I needed to work on, my own personal deadlines. I close my lap top, pack my things, say bye to everyone still working in Art Café and head off to my social outing. Another hour in the car, and this time I choose to hear my music blaring on blast to stop my brain from thinking. The music provokes more thoughts and so as I sit stuck in traffic I take out my note pad and jot down all the things running through my mind, my schedule gets even larger.

Finally I get to my destination point, hop out of the car, leave my lap top in the car, take my hand bag as the phone is wedged between my shoulder and my right ear talking to my friends, figuring out where they are located. As I walk in, I take a deep breath and realize what a great feeling it is to disconnect and just hang out with my friends for a bit, somewhere outside of work and all the work things I can’t stop thinking about.

The evening turns out to be very interesting, different friends join in as others leave and I find myself sitting there for at least another 3 hours, enjoying every minute of it. It’s already past 12:00am and I start itching to leave, worried about my sleep and the morning snooze. I finally get up, get in my car again and head home. It’s around 1:30 am as I park the car, exhausted and totally burnt out, my eyes burn, my head is throbbing and my shoulders are completely knotted up.

I get home, go into my bedroom and rip the clothes off my body as I rush to get into the shower. the excitement of putting on my pj’s is overwhelming and I relish every item I put on. Sleep has left me, and I am wide awake again, I go into the tv room, my mom is already fast asleep and so I have time on my own, time to just flip through he tv channels and zone out into a good show or movie. My cats greet me with an amazing amount of love as I take out their brushes and start to groom them while I watch something interesting on tv. Once done, I flop on the couch and get into a state of mind filled with nothing but interest in what I am watching.

Its 2:30 am and finally I am sleepy again, I switch off the tv set, say good night to my cats and head towards my bedroom. I cozy up inside the covers, take out my eye glasses, pick up my book that is perfectly placed on my bedside table, and I start to read. No less than half hour later my book has returned to its designated spot, my glasses are thrown into their box and I am fast asleep, inside my world of dreams and love.

Things are still pending, time has passed me by, and I have gotten only 60% of things done. Time seems to pass me by, life seems to fly by without my being able to catch it. If only I can find Time, if only I can hold it down and tell it to wait…wait for a bit…..wait for me….wait I have so much I have to do, so many things I want to do…..STOP and wait for me.


When does it become unacceptable?

Anger boils over inside of me as Jack asked “Well did he hit you?”

“No” Emily says, surprised that he would even ask that question. Was all what she was saying not enough to walk out on her current relationship? My face was starting to hurt from the frown that had over taken my face for the past half hour, listening to Emily re-tell her story with her husband to Jack as tears rolled down her face. I couldn’t understand why Jack was even asking if her husband was hitting her? What relevance did that have to do with the pain Emily has been suffering for years with this man?

I asked him point blank “What relevance does this have? Is it not enough that He is constantly swearing at her, slamming doors all over the house, being completely impolite to any member of her family or any of her friends that enter her house, he doesn’t give her money to be able to support the house hold requirements and her baby girls requirements yet spends a ton on his friends and his entertainment, he is out partying every single night without her, he doesn’t allow her to go to bars or clubs at night without him even though he does constantly, he has caused his little girl to wake up screaming at night fearing that her father would kill her mother, he sits and does nothing in the house except talk on the phone to his buddies laughing or flipping through tv channels as she keeps running around the house fixing things, he uses his kids for his social outings to be accepted in society, he doesn’t allow her to work so she doesn’t attract the attention of the opposite sex” I take a deep breath in, calm myself down and asked calmly “So answer this Jack, what does it matter, to you, if he hits her or not?” Jack looked at me surprised as though I was asking him a question about giving birth and how he felt during it. I repeated my question to him more aggressively and he finally responded saying “Well since he does not hit her, then they can work things out. hitting her would be unacceptable in every way possible.”

Shocked out of my wits I didn’t know how to answer him back, all that rummaged through my mind was the fact that if a woman ever dared do all that to her husband she would be banished by everyone including her family, they would tell her that it is up to her to make this marriage work. Any man who went to complain about the same things would have given the green light for every human being (male or female) to reprimand the woman until she breaks down in humiliation for her actions. Yet when a woman complains about being mistreated on a daily basis the world tends to stand by his side and ask the woman to accept it as long as she is not being physically abused. She is supposed to take in his infidelity, his rudeness, his verbal condemning ways, his absence physically and financially and only be able to make a valid stand if he went out of his way and hit her.

Strange how this type of injustice is not accepted upon animals and yet upon women it is considered bad, yet not unjust. A woman is put in a position today to accept all that is done to her by a man because he has not physically abused her YET. A woman is expected to be the brains in the family, the glue that holds everything together regardless of what her mental state has become because of all the degrading ways she has been treated.  A woman has to turn a blind eye to her husband having affairs hoping that he will one day come to his senses, but when that day never comes she has to confront him and in return the society gives the excuse of him being a “Man” and men need more than one woman. She is then asked yet again to accept it and be a better wife to her husband cause she was probably the reason he went to another woman for sex. If a woman cheats on her husband she is thrown to the gutters, her kids are taken away from her, her marriage is over, her is shunned out from society with not a single word mentioned that it could have possibly been the husbands fault.

What really gets to me is this, after my talk with Emily and Jack, I found Emily agreeing with Jack, seeing his point of view, assessing the situation and wronging herself the whole time. She provoked his anger, she allowed him to neglect her and stop spending money on her and the family, it was her fault she was too busy taking care of the house and her child and her new pregnancy, of course he would go mad and naturally she thanked God that he never hit her “He is a good man that he never hit me. I would have left for sure.”

And in that ended the whole pain she had been suffering for years with her husband. I later on found out that all her girlfriends gave her a similar advice and sad as it was, women accept this upon themselves. Women will tell women to stick around in a horrible relationship, with a cheating man, with a stingy guy, with a man who has temper management issues and tell the woman it is all in her hands to make this work.

When have we ever become the weaker sex? We are able to give birth, take care of a house, go to work, socialize with the world and sleep for a maximum of six hours a night and still have the ability to do everything and more than any man could even dream of. What happened to reprimanding a man for his misconduct and behavior, who said it was ok? Who said that we were born, as women, to live this way? How come every man gets away with murder and women can’t get away with an extra hour of sleep if needed?

Women know how to build fear in other women, making them accept the unacceptable. Telling them horror stories of what life would look like if she did leave her husband “You will not be able to support yourself, you have not worked for years.” Or “What about the kids? They need a father figure” or “Live with it till your kids are old enough then leave”or “ Who will every marry a woman with children? It is too much baggage. So it is best to stay with the man who helped in procreating them.”

What women don’t understand is this “If women stood up and supported one another and did not accept to be treated in such a disturbing disregard to their humanity then men will have no choice but to stop.” As long as the world accommodates such actions and only the visual physical abuse is the allowed reason to leave a man, women will always be where they are today, and they will keep procreating more men that abuse their women, cause women don’t know how to stand up for their human rights.

If every woman keeps accepting this as a way of life, and if women will always advise women to be the abused member of the family then things will never change and women will always be spat on. Her kids will also treat her with disrespect the way their father had, and they will repeat the same pattern onto their wives in the future and every woman will again tell that woman in pain “It is ok, it is all in your hands, you’re the smarter one. Men are like children let him do his thing, and you stay the good wife, he will come around. As long as he didn’t hit you then you can fix it.”

Emilie’s story is one of the many stories I have came across in all these years of watching and listening to couples. With such sadness I have to say that I might have met one in every 30 marriages where there is a balanced relationship between man and woman. What women don’t understand is this: they are telling their daughters that it is ok to be treated this way and they are telling their sons it is ok to treat a woman this way. They think they are making life better for their children when in reality they are allowing the same patterns to continue to evolve and have no regard to how their daughters will be treated in the future or how their sons will treat women.

Farm or City?

Our life experiences are based on our way of life. What we say and do come back to us in one way or another. If we believe in ourselves then everything we do is right, there is no fear, there is no worry, there is only self confidence in the choices we make. To hear your own voice is all that matters for no one else lives your life or has your wisdom.

Living on a farm or living in a city have a great distinction between them and show a slight resemblance of a congested mind and an intuitive mind. In a city there is noise pollution that scatters your thoughts and allows for nothing other than everyone else’s voice to overpower your own caring voice. In a city you are rushing from one place to the next getting your job done, errands run, obligations met and in all this people are chattering away giving advice where it is not needed, assuming they know best, and therefore diluting your own trust within yourself. Time becomes something you try to find yet discover that it’s meaning has been lost to you. What is expected of you has stopped you from doing what is expected from yourself to you. You glimpse a sight of what you want your life to look like and you feel that you can breath again. Yet a second later  a whirlwind of clatter over powers that desire and it is lost amongst the bustle and noise emanating from those around you who ridicule your thoughts and the sight of your own breath of fresh air.

In the Farm you are free to hear yourself contemplate and understand what is good or bad for you. There are only animals around that say nothing more than offer their love to you for the simple act of feeding them and caring for them. In return you are left to listen to your mind as it ventures into a world of its own where the decisions are based on your own internal voice that you have come to believe in and trust. You move with your instincts towards your fields of green in knowledge of when to water them and when to walk away. You hear the sound of your breathing and the whispers of the butterflies as they pass you by. In an ability to sit and think you realize what your dreams are and grow strong in your beliefs, for there is no one there who can contaminate those desires and the conviction of your thoughts.

I long to be a farm, where I am left to my own accord and rid myself of the fear of change or the fears that have been bestowed upon me by those who love me the most.

Ecstasy at its Best

The fear over took me as I lifted one leg up placing it carefully on a tiny little pedal as the other leg flew over the narrow seat and rested on the opposing  pedal. My hands grasped Mark’s shoulders as I slowly sat down on the narrow leather seat. I felt like chocking up, I was unable to breath, the large helmet closed around my face, cradling my chin and covering my ears and cheeks only allowing a narrow opening for my eyes to see and nose to breath. I asked Mark repeatedly “Are you sure this is safe? The last time I did this I was nine years old.” And Mark kept reassuring me “Trust me it is very safe, you will feel the freedom you have always longed for”

As Mark started to move very slowly with his motorcycle I relaxed for a few seconds giving full and utter trust in Mark’s abilities and the fact that he has been riding since a very young age. Just as I was starting to talk myself into the reliability of what I was on, I found my legs thrown off of the pedals and crashing against the cement floor as the motorcycle fought to hold itself up. I got off the bike in a heart beat as Mark tried to lift it off its tilted angel with all the strength he had in his legs. Once the bike was up again, standing the way a bike should stand I hesitated for a few seconds before hoping back on it. I didn’t want to make Mark feel that he was not competent at what he loved to do the most and yet the fear of my life being under someone else’s hands was overwhelming. Needless to say, the need and desire to make Mark feel that I still trusted him over took my fear and I was back on the bike, pretending like nothing happened. As we started to drive off again, this time moving a lot faster I felt my heart was gonna throw itself outside of my chest and give up on me.

“Why do I always do that to myself?”  I wondered “Why is it always someone else’s feelings that I worry about a lot more than mine?” I was afraid, so afraid all I was able to do was come to terms that this was how I was gonna die. I kept repeating prayers in my mind and heart as my arms wrapped themselves around Mark’s waist. I kept asking God to forgive all my sins and forgive any bad I had done in my life, and as I kept praying and visualizing my death we came to a halt and I was surrounded by other bikers all parked in front of a bike store chatting away and purchasing things for their bikes. Once we were off the bikes, Mark took off and went inside the store to check out helmets as I stood outside observing all the people around me, watching their facial expressions and seeing them wave a polite hello to me. Mark appeared again and asked me to go in the store with him and check it out, I obediently did that, out of worry of being left alone with the death machine.

Against all my wishful prayers, we got on the bike again and this time I was sure we were gonna die. Mark was a pro at driving a Harley and I should have felt safe internally, the anguish was beyond my understanding, the images in my head were overwhelming me as the wind crashed itself against my face and body. We stopped again at a gas station before our long trip to the sea, he asked me again at the gas station if I was ok and up for the ride and humbly I said “Yes I am ready for it” unknowingly to him that I had come to terms that God had planned my death on that very day, on that motorcycle, on a long desert road towards the sea that I was sure I would never see.

The Harley was filled up with gas, our helmets were back on our heads, my hands were balanced on marks shoulders and we were off onto the highway that is known to have killed hundreds of thousands of people. I prayed again and again, and asked for forgiveness from God in every possible form and envisioned how mad my mom would be on the day of my funeral that I actually got on a motorcycle and never told her. As all these fears and images came flashing by me something started happening to me a very unexpected turn of events. My prayers became more positive; I started asking God to bless me with a wonderful life filled with the wonderful freedom I was feeling internally at this very moment. My arms loosened from around mark’s waist and they now leaned casually on his shoulders. My head tilted up towards the sky watching the clouds form all sorts of shapes and animals. I forgot all my fears and I felt like I was one with nature and life. I lost track of life and all my worries and my mind seemed to venture in all the right directions with all the right thoughts and right expectations. Reality would come crashing at me the minute Mark would caress my leg to make sure I was doing fine and I would remember that I was on a motorcycle and not up there in the clouds having an out of body experience. Even when I would come back to reality and notice where I really was, there was nothing but utmost joy in my heart, the fear had dissipated itself into a world that refused to accept its presence anymore.

After half an hour of the most amazing ride of my life, Mark asked me if I wanted a cigarette break and I screamed out loudly “YES” with a giddy smile and a laughter I had no more control over. We stopped, I took of my helmet and started to jump up and down with loving joy. I thanked Mark for making me take this trip with him, I thanked him with all my heart at the amazing experience he just provided me with. My heart was filled with gratitude and love for this man, he took me out of my worries and gave me freedom unlike any other known to man. Once we were done we hoped back onto the bike and I was ecstatic to get back on it again, I could not wait to have the wind blow up against my body or the rush of excitement that came with speed, or the basic feeling of my soul freed outside of my body.

We continued our ride some more and in another half hour found a bike stop over where all the other motorcycles stopped to talk and take a break. As we sat down on a table sipping on our coffees we watched all the other bikers getting ready to leave, and the rush I felt inside as I watched them drive away made me crave to get on the bike again.

A small discussion went on between me and Mike and we both came to terms that it would take us another hour to get to the sea and then another hour to enjoy the beauty of nature and an hour and half to drive back. This was all going to be hard to do before sunset and therefore decided to head back into town and do this trip another day. My heart ached a bit when we decided upon that, I wanted to see the sea so badly, just to complete this wonderful feeling I had inside. I need that final closure to that wonderful ride, and the one way of feeling that and doing it was to actually be by the sea and meditate to the sound of the waves.

As we drove back, I forgot the urge to see the water and the waves and felt elated again to be on the motorcycle. The wind was getting stronger and my body felt that it would fly off the bike at any moment, but I didn’t care the least bit, I was on this bike and my soul was over joyed, I had no fears I only had an abundance of love in my heart and wanted to cherish every second of it.

What I learnt was that fear is conquerable because it is something that does not exists outside of ones mind. Those random images that kept my stomach turned over and my heart racing were only images conjured by my own mind. Once I faced my fear, came terms with it and accepted it as only a fear, I actually broke free of it. It did not exist anymore, it could not exist anymore because all those images fled away and they didn’t stop me from going ahead and doing what the “fear” tried its best to stop me from doing.

Fear froze me yet the conquering of it set me free to find a new hobby that allows my soul to drift off into wonderful realms of my true reality. Bless you Mark for the persistence on getting me on that Bike and thanks for showing me the beauty that exists outside my own mind.

For the Poem Click on ” I must admit 

The painting urge

It always starts this way, I will be sitting peacefully with friends in a coffee shop or walking in a mall or sitting at a friend’s house when out of nowhere this craving, this urge, this internal scream to rush back home and start to paint overwhelms everything within me. I slowly start to lose focus in whatever conversation I would be indulged in as images start to manifest themselves onto an imaginary canvas that can only be seen by me. That is when I know there is an internal message pushing it’s way out of me, waiting to tell me what it is that I need to do. The only way I am able to relieve myself of the emotions that come along with the images is to get it all out on a canvas and walk away from the world for a few days.

Not my most recent one..but the first one leading to the one i just finished yesterday

The interesting part in all this is that none of those images actually make themselves visible once I do start the painting in mind. There are other forms taking place, different symbols that appear before me and before I know it I have a huge canvas showing me something that had nothing to do with what I had originally thought all those floating images in my head meant. Each and every canvas I have ever painted has given me a different message, a new understanding to something deeply manifested within my subconscious mind and a message to allow for my next decision in life.

My newly finished canvas is leaning peacefully on one of my empty walls waiting to be hung, and the understanding it has given me is one that I can never part with, for I will always need to look at it to remind myself of the faith I should always have deep within my heart.

Boundaries of self worth

What is the purpose of our self worth if it is not to figure out where our worth is? How are we to be valued by others if we have no value for ourselves? Sadly enough the only way that we will ever learn what our worth is will always be through an experience that allows us to see it. Mine came in different packages for different aspects of my life and how I value and see myself today is completely different than how I saw myself before my experiences.

After MJ (blog story: Happily Ever After) my ex husband it took me some time to learn myself worth, I didn’t know what my boundaries were, I knew what they were for others but I was never put in a situation where I had to start my own boundary list. Not to say that I didn’t have boundaries before hand, but I have to admit they were frivolous in comparison to the ones I hold dear to my heart today. What happened through that very painful experience was that i come to the realization that I didn’t really have the “what is allowed” and “what is not allowed” lines high enough on my list. I had the basic list which contained the following:

-Respect of my time and of me

-Not to ogle women when sitting with me

-Not to use swear words in my presence

-To enjoy the things I enjoyed

-To be loved unconditionally by my man

-To have an abundance of romance

-To start from zero financially with a man be his supporting woman

-To travel the world with my man

-To have a loving relationship and family with my man

-Great communication between me and my man

Now that I look at what I just wrote, and how frivolous that list was I am not surprised that I allowed certain things to pass me by. I allowed unacceptable things to happen to me which I never thought were possible to happen to me, I mean, they happened to other people and I was the voice of reason for all those other people, but not the voice of reason for myself. In my head and in my heart I was on a different platform from everyone else and I was pleased that my list was so simple unlike the other women that were looking for money or power or even just sex in a future spouse. In my mind all I wanted was simple things, and therefore I allowed for so much to take place cause my boundary line was so low. Today my list constitutes of way more than just ten things. My list is full to the brim and there is nothing that I can accept below that line.

For example “Great communication between me and my man” has been modified to look more like this:

“To be able to talk about everything on my mind and his mind to one another with no fear of the other person feeling misunderstood. To discuss the good and the bad with an open mind and heart that each person wants to make this relationship work. To communicate our sexual preferences openly and freely with one another, with my preferences also taken into consideration not only his. For us to be able to pick up the phone at any random time to talk about something with no pre-calculation of the correct number of calls to be made. To enjoy one another’s company cause the conversations are fruitful. For him to be my best friend when I need to talk to someone he is the first one I turn to knowing I am trust in him really listening to me and providing me with what I need. Our conversation is based on respect of one another’s thoughts and ideologies. We are both concerned with one another’s personal growth and therefore that is enough proof of our love for one another.” This can go on and on, only in the communication department. I never put the line thick enough or high enough, I basically just thought that everyone communicates well together but great communication to me also included great fights. If we knew how to fight well scream and kick we were communicating…isn’t that what relationships came with? So when it would get into screaming fits or rude words I never walked off, I just stayed assuming that was part of the Great communication package. Sadly it is not, cause once the voice gets too loud, or the words get ugly when ur trying to voice an emotional pain to your partner and he is not listening or understanding your pain,that is the time to walk away from the relationship. That is when it is clear that there is a huge hole in the communication department and nothing will be able to change that no matter how many years you try to make your partner understand your pain. That very first argument, that very first voice of anger that comes creeping in at the very beginning of the relationship is a peak preview into your future with that person. Pay attention to how it is being handled, listen and watch and if you have a great boundary line already set up for yourself-respect and self-value, you will know that it is time to stand up, and walk away.

This goes for every department in a persons life, there are those who are willing to take other peoples ugly nature and there are those who refuse to have others treat them badly, be the person that refuses to be treated badly cause you love yourself too much and anyone in your life should love you the way you love yourself and nothing less than that.

Use the ugly relationships to your advantage, grow that list, help yourself be the person you want to be, give others the opportunity to treat you the way you deserve to be treated…..with nothing less than respect.

PING….someone let me in

I woke up a few nights ago to find the below message on one of my groups on my black Berry Messenger. I found it so enlightening how a persons mind works when in a situation with nothing to do but sit and wait. All the different ideas that come to mind, and especially the ones that have to do with their current situation. I needed to share it and so I re-wrote it all in same chronological order I received them in.

Characters on the BBM:

M is the main character of this story

Tara is M’s wife

Friday 2:34 am

M: I’m locked outside of the house with no keys.

Friday 2:34 am

M:I forgot them and everyone is at home, sound asleep its 2:30am

Friday 2:35 am

M: I have rung the door bell a hundred times, I have been outside for an hour

Friday 2:35 am

M: Still 4 hours to go before anyone awakes up

Friday 2:36 am

M: Tara’s phone is on silent, PING’s on the bbm don’t help L

Friday 2:50 am

M: L

Friday 2:56 am

M: Almost 3

Friday 3:00 am

M: Yayyy….. it’s 3am

Friday 3:00 am

M: Two down…. 3 more hours to go…!

Friday 3:03 am

M: I think the neighbors woke up. I can hear movement, someone stirring a drink

Friday 3:12 am

M: Almost 3:15

Friday 3:12 am

M: Gonna try sitting on door mat instead of the stairs

Friday 3:13 am

M: Ahhhh….much better…warmer

Friday 3:20 am

M: It’s very cold…can rest my back on wall too

Friday 3:57 am

M: Nearly 4am

Friday 4:00 am

M: Its 4am……2hrs to go

Friday 4:26 am

M: almost 4:30

Friday 4:30 am

M: morning prayers is in 40 min

Friday 4:31 am

M: It’s windy outside

Friday 4:31 am

M: My kids are usually up by 6am so I got 1.5hrs to go…I power napped on the door mat from 3:30 to 4…..

Friday 4:35 am

M: man, bbm pings are useless…I PINGED Tara a hundred times

The awareness begins all internal thoughts of life start to form:

Friday 4:36 am

M: Poor homeless people. It must be so tough to sleep out in the streets

Friday 4:37 am

M: That is why God gave some people more money than others. To spend on the needy; the poor. To keep them warm, give them shelter and feed them

Friday 4:38 am

M: Not to sit on a throne of $10 Million but to help at least a hundred thousand needy people.

Friday 4:38 am

M: or 10,000 or 1,000

Friday 4:39 am

M:Imagine taking care of 1,00 poor people Or even 100 poor people

Friday 4:40 am

M: To feed 100 people 1 warm meal a day costs 500 LE ($135) approximately 5 LE per person. That means 15,000 LE per month or 180,000 LE per year

Friday 4:40 am

M:If someone has 1 million Dollars, he makes 450,000 LE per year by 9% increase from the bank. Spending 180,000 LE leaves him with a bulk to spend from

Friday 4:43 am

M: WOW that is feeding 100 people every day for a year, with only having a million USD in the banks

Friday 4:46 am

M: I wonder how much a winter package of clothes would cost (a jacket + pj + Blanket + hood)

Friday 4:46 am

M: so there is food and warmth and clothes

Friday 4:48 am

M: There is someone here buying blankets for poor people, anyone want to pitch in? 30 LE per blanket???

Friday 4:50 am

M: Yay it’s 4:50am….maybe someone will wake up early

Friday 4:52 am

M: Might be a good idea to furnish the outside of our apartment with a cushion or something

Friday 4:52 am

M: For the long cold nights that someone can get stuck outside

Friday 4:54 am

M: I was out at the burial of a friend’s father in the middle of the desert till 9pm tonight. Was very cold

Friday 4:56 am

M: My father’s friend’s first night alone, I pray that God makes in his grave full of light, warmth and comfort

Friday 4:58 am

M: He was a great man, he was a man who helped the needy people. He wasn’t arrogant and he cared for people genuinely. His money and power never got to his head.

Friday 4:58 am

M: He always cared for his children no matter what they did and always gave to the poor and helped the needy when they needed his help.

Friday 4:59 am

M: They all cared for him too, it was obvious in the burial. Everyone was there the powerful and the needy, the rich and the poverty stricken. His children cried with all their hearts for their loss. He was a man of kindness and love towards them. I wish my fa

Friday 5:00 am

M: …..never mind won’t go there

Friday 5:00 am

M: May God bless him in the afterlife and in the grave.

Friday 5:02 am

M: Fleece is definitely assume

Friday 5:02 am

M: note to self: buy more fleece jackets!

Friday 5:02 am

M: Wishing there was a fleece jacket for my nose, it’s frozen!

Friday 5:02 am

M: I wonder how it would attach itself though. Perhaps a small clip on the nostril?

Friday 5:03 am

M: The night is always darkest before dawn

Friday 5:03 am

M: True….but it is also coldest

Friday 5:04 am

M: The earth is expected to hit a mini ice age by 2014. Solar flares are expected to wipe out electricity on earth in 2013

Friday 5:04 am

M: Wars are expected to start in 2012.

Friday 5:04 am

M: Wonder what 2011 is about??!!!

Friday 5:05 am

M: There’s someone awake in the building, loud TV. It’s 5:05 am

Friday 5:06 am

M: Wooohooooo….maybe just maybe someone will wake up at 5:30

Friday 5:12 am

M: Morning prayer is in 2 minutes I hope Tara wakes up to pray

Friday 5:13 am

M: Gonna start a private “knives throwing class” in Martial arts. It’s a Chinese art

Friday 5:13 am

M: Throwing knives, daggers and blades…for self defense….looking forward to it

Friday 5:13 am

M: There goes the prayer, I can hear it coming from the mosques

Friday 5:13 am

M: I am too cold and tired to go to the mosque to pray there. It’s not heated and water is cold for the ablution

Friday 5:15 am

M:Hoping someone opens the door

Friday 5:20 am

M: Getting sleepy again

Friday 5:25 am

M: No one awake yet. What if they don’t wake up before 7am??????

Friday 5:26 am

M: It’s almost 5:30am…almost

Friday 5:30 am

M: 5:30!!!!!

Friday 5:30 am

M:Half an hour left, 30 minutes to go. Hopefully someone will wake up. Either my wife, my kids or my mother. Someone has to wake up

Friday 5:40 am

M: 5:40

Friday 5:45 am

M: 5:45

Friday 5:50 am

M: 5:50

Friday 6:00 am

M: Well it’s 6am!!!!!

Friday 6:00 am

M: Been sitting here from 1:30am till 6:00am and no one has opened the door

Friday 6:01 am

M:One heckova comatose family!!!

Friday 6: 01 am

M: 6:10

Friday 6: 15 am

M: 6:15

Friday 6: 17 am

M: 4 hours and 45 minutes waiting

Friday 6: 28 am

M: I AM INNNNNNN……at 6:28am the door was opened for me

Friday 6: 30 am

Tara: I just woke up!!!!!!!!! LOL LOL LOL….poor M….don’t know whether to laugh of cry.

Friday 7:00am

Tara: It turns out that my mother in law woke up at 5am went to the kitchen to get a glass of water and went back to sleep. All the time thinking that there is no way her son is still outside the apartment waiting to be let in. She was the missed calls and the messages but they ended at 4am, so she assumed he was sound asleep inside his room next to his wife. LOL LOL LOL


It helps to be in a situation in life that is similar to the one that others are in. A simple feeling of being cold and the inability to sleep makes a person wonder about all the others in the world that are suffering the same ailment. For everyone’s info M and Tara are figuring out ways to give a warmer winter to all those that live on the streets of Cairo.

The acknowledgment of a loving father and a caring powerful man could make a world a better place to live in. Money and Love go hand in hand, and if someone has the money then they should easily and simply provided it to those who desperately need it. Parents need to take care of their kids and not wait for their death to be able to have the inheritance make them live a better life. And the poor need a warm blanket at night to sleep in if the government is simply not providing it to it’s people. There are lots of Millionaires out there, and there are lots of poor people out there. A helping hand will not make the millionaire poor and will not make the poor rich.

Last but not least…minutes pass like hours when there is a basic need that is not acquired for survival.

Screwtape Letters – Relationships

The Screwtape Letters is a book written by a great and prominent author called C .S. Lewis…..I found it very interesting and very insightful. It’s a story about the devil (screwtape) and his nephew (wormwood) . The book is composed of letters from screwtape to his nephew wormwood explaining their work that has to be done on humans. God is called the Enemy, their human victim is called the Patient. This coming paragraphe is one of the extracts from the book….i wanted to share it with you all I thought it was very insightful. There will a daily extract coming your way after this one.

 Extract: Screwtape is offering advice on the value of daily annoyances in trapping the patient (human).

When 2 humans have lived together for many years it usually happens that each has tones of voice and expressions of face which are almost unendurably irritating to the other. Work on that. Bring fully into the consciousness of your patient that particular lift of his mother’s eyebrows witch he learned to dislike in the nursery, and let him think how much he dislikes it. Let him assume that she knows how annoying it is and does it to annoy – if you know your job he will not notice the immense improbability of the assumption. And, of course, never let him suspect that he has tones and looks which similarly annoy her. As he cannot see or hear himself, this is easily managed. 

Wanna Read it click here: The Screwtape Letters – Special Illustrated Edition

Stick to “Like”

There are many conditions that have to take permanent residence when the word “Love” is to be used. To say the word “I love you” is the easiest thing to do when you’re dating someone or dreaming of a future life with that someone.

There are conditions to support the verbal confessions of Love that people tend to use at random. To look into some one’s eyes and say the words “I love you” is so easy  to do, especially if your dating that someone or in hope of continuing a long term relationship with that someone. Love contains more power and ground than a four letter word. Love needs to have the ability to defend the one you proclaim to love, the possibility of honest confessions of true intentions, the pertaining of pleasure in providing gratification to the one you love. These are all different categories that fall under and within the words “I love you”.

I have many friends who swoon once their boyfriends or husbands tell them “…But I love you” or “….i am doing all this cause I love you”……or “ It’s cause I love you”, they erase all the actions that prove otherwise and talk themselves into believing void words that have nothing of prominence to support what they are hearing.

I have a friend who won’t stop dating a guy that never prioritizes her.  He finds ways to constantly make her think that he loves her, yet he does things to avoid spending time with her. He uses the words “I love you” to keep her lingering on. He prefers spending his holidays away from her, in different countries, yet when confronted by her, he tells her “You could have just told me this upsets you….you know I love you”. Other times when she has time to spend with him on a trip, he somehow finds a way to leave two day earlier and when she confronts him with her pain he tells her “You know how much the gym means to me, I can’t skip it, I have to go back home to be in MY gym….but you know I love you”. There are even times where they may be hanging out in the same space but he leaves without telling her he is leaving, letting her be there on her own assuming he will join her after he is done with his workout. Yet again he reels her in with void words and examples of other loving times he had with her, always with the belief that “he loves her”. Yes, my friend is stuck in a world of lies and there is nothing to help her get out and no one that she will listen to, and all this cause she believes that he “Loves” her. What she doesn’t seem to understand is that love comes with a lot more things than just a four letter word. The word “Love” was not created to be used as a Band-Aid, every time a wound occurs you put the “Love” band-Aid on it and it goes away. In her situation she needs to watch what he does and close her ears to what he says to see the dark hole she is digging for herself clearly. She has lost all herself value in believing his words in hopes that they are the reality she lives in today. He has never confessed to her his true intentions in having her in his life, and she is willing to stick around for the day in which she may understand where all this love is heading to.

Another friend keeps getting promised to have a family vacation with her husband, and every time the opportunity arises that holiday trip seems to never fall into fruition. He loves her, he says but the one thing her heart has desired for the last six years of their marriage was to take a vacation with her husband alone and sadly he has found every way possible to never make it happen. He has no money to go on vacation, yet he has the money to spend on expensive watches and large sums of money on weekend outings. He has no time off work to take a vacation, yet he is able to find the time when a trip includes his friends. With all the excuses that he has given her, never to travel with her as a family alone, he has maintained the one sentence he is gifted at saying “I love you”. When she got the courage to break free and plan a trip with her girlfriends, knowing well that the time for her to travel with her husband alone will never come, he condemn her for taking a decision to travel alone as he continued to use “I love you and this is what you do?”. My girlfriends husband is unaware of the fact that his words are starting to mean nothing to her, there are no actions to support his confessions of undying love to her. He purchases gifts of his liking for his friends to see and yet what her heart desires the most is never given to her. Love is not only words, when you truly love someone you offer them what they want as it should provide a small internal pleasure in seeing the one you love fulfilled.

Another friend dated a man who never defended her when in the presence of others. He always took everyone else’s side and never hers. When his friends would start to make fun of her in front of him, he would conspire with them and make further remarks to entertain them on her behalf. When she would feel offended and refuse to see him again he would tell her “It was only joking around, you know how much I love you”. When his parents would complain about her dress code being too simple and not lavish enough he would go up to her in a rage making fun of her outfit and telling her she is not worthy of outings with him. She would whimper in crying fits as she would gasp and say “why would you say something so cruel to me” and he would naturally tell her “It’s cause I love you and want you to be the prettiest woman around”. At one point a dear friend of his sent him a hate message about my friend, telling him to watch out and she was not worthy of him, when in reality his friend had a previous feud with my friend therefore trying to make her life a living hell. When the boyfriend knew he went along with what his friend said and instead of defending his woman, he continued befriending that friend with such love and intimacy. When she finally found out a month later she rushed at him with anger and harsh words only to hear him tell her “I didn’t want to tell you cause I love you.” How little do people care about the word “Love”? In this situation my friend was not loved at all, for if it were love then he would have defended her with all his might. He would have stopped his friend from bad mouthing her and cut all relations with him. Love defends the ones they love cause there is no one else worthy to them more than the lover they have at the time. If you can’t defend the ones you love, then you have no love to offer other than the love of pleasing others in hopes to fit in.

Before confessing Love to your partner, make sure you know all the factors that come with that word. Make sure you are up to carrying the weight of love, and if you’re not, then keep it at “like” and give “Love” a break from the wrong that has been done to it. It has turned into a manipulation strategy and lost the glory of its “grander than life” formula.

Assess the actions, for at the end words hold no meaning if they have nothing to fall back on to prove their worthiness.

The beauty within My Planet X

Within the last three years my life took a detour unlike any I had ever encountered in the 32 years I had existed on this earth.

I had lived a life filled with love, hope and dreams of pink ponies and a prince on a white horse. I believed in all the beauties of the great possibilities of what the future may hold for me. My existence was based on love; love of others, love of life and most importantly the belief in everlasting love with my soul mate. I believed in every cell of my body that my soul mate was just a step away from me, I dreamt of it and at times I felt it. I dreamt of my happily ever after as I basked in the comforts of security and financial bliss provided to me on a silver platter by my parents.

Life was a pink bubble of dreams waiting to happen. I lived in my heart, I lived in my soul and I lived most of my time in my thoughts; a place my family used to call “Planet X”. I spent 80% of my time on planet X and I utterly relished every moment of it. On my private planet I had a beautiful home that was white in color in the rare areas in which something other than glass windows showed. It possessed a beautiful large dark wooden terrace that wrapped itself around three quarters of my glass home. My home over looked the most luscious green fields on one side and faced the wide ocean expanse on the other side.   A cobbled street lead up to my front door as it settled itself amongst an array of fruit trees providing a colorful design to the surrounding fields of green. Butterflies flew haphazardly on top of an abundance of wild flowers that continuously swayed with the soft chilled breeze that blew across the sea. There were Small colored shops filled with the smiles of potential buyers and the hopeful sellers. There were a small variety of restaurants that were embedded underneath the gushing flow of a tempress waterfall.  I had horses and ponies that knew me by my fragrance and raced towards me when I would enter their fields of freedom to welcome me into their world. I had peace, love, happiness and honesty amongst everyone that lived on planet X. Most importantly my Planet X gave me the ability to see my real world with peace, love, happiness and honesty.

For the last three years I have been trying to find Planet X, I try to sit on my own to conjure it back into my life; sadly I have realized that Planet X has left me, it spat me out of its heavenly comforts. It left me to fend for myself; with no more fruitless hope on the great possibilities of a dream like future to go back to.

I miss planet X, I miss my outlook on life and I miss having trust and belief in the good of others. Within the last three years I had married a man I believed to be my soul mate, no later than eight months I was demolished and divorced the cruelest man I had ever encountered in my whole life (story under: Happily Ever After).  That was the first sign of the hazy disappearance of my Planet X, as it still remained a part of my life, but a lot less vivid, I believed that things will only get better after the biggest crush of my life. Sadly, I made another wrong choice as I was still trying to believe in the good in humanity. I chose to share an apartment with a woman who showed nothing but kindness and love for me, to discover a year and a half later that she was disclosing my pain to others and destroying my reputation using tactfully planned lies for no reason other than preserving her need to make her surrounding environment believe the lie of the person she really was (Story under: Shocking Truth). Once I had gotten back on my feet again trying to bring into my life my Planet X in hopes of reviving my bright hopes of the future again. To my dismay it took a few months to find my Planet X, and this time around I noticed how its previously vibrant colors were diminishing behind a grey colored smog. It was hard to acquire hope or muster up any positive outlook on humanity. During that period in my life, my only sanctuary was my work, I had a passion for it unlike anything else, and any possibility of ever leaving it was deleted by my abundance of loyalty I had for it. After pouring my heart and soul into my work and proving myself completely competent of all the tasks that were under my scope and out of my scope of work I was pleased to know that my company decided to hire a new member into our wonderful team. A few months down the line, the new member’s attitude started to slowly creep its way into my professional life, I was unable to comprehend what he was trying to do. He smiled with earnest in front of me as he praised my continuous ability to make things happen at work. To my dismay, as time elapsed, I found that most of the jobs that I was handling were nowhere to be seen, he was discarding of me, and hating my tremendous closeness to all the people I worked with and for. He took work away from me telling me it was taken care of while making others believe I was not competent enough to do the work. He never once confronted me with anything, his mode of communication with me consisted of nothing more than jokes, gossips and continuous praise. The work environment became competitive and it lost all the beauty of group work. I had to watch my back with my every move as I monitored his every move, suspecting all his underlying truths knowing they were all lies. I fought like a lioness protecting her cubs, not succumbing to a bully trying to demolish all the hard work I had slaved for in two years. He was tranquilized for a few months until his strength was built again, taunting me with the same methods in a much sneakier way this time around.

As I continued fighting my work battle I lost total faith in humanity and planet X had completely disappeared. I could not even access it anymore for I was unable to sit with myself for more than five minutes. A month after my first confrontation at work took place my parents got divorced and I lose sight of everything I ever held close to my heart. My sanctuary, my security and my home were gone. All what I believed to be real was erased from my being and there was nothing to hold onto anymore.  From a life of complete love, acceptance, support, humanity, respect, values, loves from great men, friends that were devoted to my friendship and an artistic business that I owned; came the forceful gush of the harsh doors of emotional and mental hell. Of course planet X disappeared from my existence as I had come to understand that I don’t believe in it anymore. My three year experiences showed me a side to humanity that I had never known existed before. Those devastating three years poured its black gunk all over my beautiful pink bubble, over powering all the beauty that lived within it.

Today as I am still battling the dark disappointments within me, I have missed Planet X with all the innocence it had provided me with. I want to go back to Planet X, I am working hard to seduce it back into my life, I am exhausted of disappointment, I am tired of sadness and I am open to all the upcoming experiences that I must face. I have come to terms with a few of my disappointments, knowing that today I am fully aware of what I DO NOT want in my life giving me more clarity to the things I truly cherish and want in my life.

I am able today to catch a glimpse of planet X every once in a while when I am able to sit in silence with myself for more than ten minutes. And in those rare glimpses i am able to feel the faint whisper of hope registering itself into the exterior crust of my every so broken heart.