Vanishing Time


In a world where “time” seems to vanish into thin air while “things to do” keep lingering on with constant hope of catching “time”, I am left to wonder where is time vanishing too?

The alarm rings at 8:00am and I keep snoozing it for an hour hoping to get more sleep yet dreading the wasted minutes that are passing me by. That hour of snoozing is a restless hour, filled with thoughts and continues demands to enjoy my sleep. A battle deep within me makes it impossible to fall back into the wonders of my dreams and away from the schedules of my reality.

I finally push the covers off my body, jump out of bed and rush to the bathroom. It is at this point on that I am unable to relax, every minute counts, every second makes a difference and the whole schedule starts to form itself accordingly. I flip through my clothes in the closet in hopes of finding something I feel comfortable with, knowing that I will be out of the house all day with no hope of coming home to take an hour break I had to choose something that would last me all day long.

Within 10 minutes I am done getting dressed and go off into the TV room to have my mug of coffee and cigarette before I have to rush out of the house. I walk into the TV room to find my mom already there fully dressed and sipping on her coffee in delight watching the news channel. I sit with her as we have a quick update of both our mornings and then immediately finish off my coffee as I move myself towards my laptop to check my e-mails, wondering if there is anything that needs to be done before I have to leave. As it just so happens, there is always something to be done, and so in complete indulgence I dive into work mode, hearing nothing and answering no one. My mom tries to open topics with me and all that keeps coming out of my mouth are the words, “yes”, “oh”, “really” and “hmmmm”. Recently I have learnt to add the word “no” to my response system since I had found myself saying “yes” to things I have no interest in doing or the time to do.

Hours keep passing by as work over takes my entire soul, i can’t seem to stop, I can’t find a way to stop. One thing takes me into the next and into the next and in no time 3 hours have already passed and I haven’t seen the streets yet. I am already running late, my phone won’t stop ringing and I finally pick it up to go through all my bbm’s, my missed calls and any sms’s. I roll away from my desk, switch off the lap top, and rush back into the bathroom to wash my face again, brush my teeth and put on my flip flops. I return back to the tv room to pack up my lap top to take it to work with me and to my dismay my mom has a list of things she wants of me. I stand there on edge, all that is running through my mind is “I have no time, I have no time, I have no time.” Therefore I have not heard 50% of what was requested of me. I kiss her good bye and rush out the door carrying my lap top and hand bag that weights a 100 kilos from the weight of all the notebooks and books I have wedged into it.

At last I am on the road, its already 1:00pm and I am so far away from where I should be. The traffic is insane and I know that I am spending a good hour, if not more, on the road. I pick up my phone, attaché the head set to it and go through all my missed calls and unanswered bbm’s. As I am driving at no more than 3 miles an hour I am able to return all my phone calls and respond to all the bbm’s and sms’s.  Finally an hour later I arrive to work excited to get hold of my lap top again and start working on all the things that I had to cut short to get out of the house. As I park the car and walk towards my work in the Art Café I am bombarded by a whole bunch of people who are there taking classes or asking about the classes we offer there.

Quick summary about my job: It’s a place that me and two other friends decided to open together, a place where people can go and enjoy a few hours in a very artistic environment that provides nothing but art. It was 7 years ago that the idea became a reality and its been taken care of solely by one partner. I had spend a good two years in it then I left town for a good 5 years and finally my partners decided to convince me to come back and be fully involved. I came back to an amazing environment that was filled with people and over 30 different types of creative art classes. Our business had expanded and all the people in Cairo knew the name “Art Café”. I was so proud of my partner, she had done a great job at marketing the place and I was wondering how we were making no profit at all. That is when my role came in, I needed a base for it, a solid base, formats, schedules, prices, cost estimates etc….New branches needed to open up, yet was impossible to do with the lack of any profit we were receiving. We were requested to be more available in different areas in Cairo. We needed to expand in so many ways and that is when all the work began. On the other hand I also had my passions that I needed to pursue, reiki and NLP coaching. And so I revamped a room to turn it into a quiet reiki and NLP room.

So going back to the day: As I walked in to the Art Café I realized that getting any work done on my lap top was going to be near impossible. There were workers there renovating the space outdoors, there were workers inside painting the walls. There were children working on an array of art projects, adults coming in to take their art classes and the whole staff running around like headless chickens. Luckily my partner is there also and we try to find any place to go and have a quick update on the new upcoming art season, to no avail. We are able to exchange a few words every few hours, as we are being asked a tone of other things to do and work on.

By 7pm the day has calmed down and there is just one class taking place and the Art Café is silent with the amazing background music taking over the silence. I take out my lap top and with a joy in my heart, I take a seat to get some work done. I look at my phone and realize there is a whole new set of bbm’s, and missed calls. I decide to return the calls which eat up another hour of my day as the evening plans with friends take place. I do a few NLP’s on friends over the phone to help them out with a few issues and work on 1 or two people in Art Café who need a quick reiki for a certain emotional or physical pain.

Its already 8:30pm and I have not worked on any of the things I needed to work on, my own personal deadlines. I close my lap top, pack my things, say bye to everyone still working in Art Café and head off to my social outing. Another hour in the car, and this time I choose to hear my music blaring on blast to stop my brain from thinking. The music provokes more thoughts and so as I sit stuck in traffic I take out my note pad and jot down all the things running through my mind, my schedule gets even larger.

Finally I get to my destination point, hop out of the car, leave my lap top in the car, take my hand bag as the phone is wedged between my shoulder and my right ear talking to my friends, figuring out where they are located. As I walk in, I take a deep breath and realize what a great feeling it is to disconnect and just hang out with my friends for a bit, somewhere outside of work and all the work things I can’t stop thinking about.

The evening turns out to be very interesting, different friends join in as others leave and I find myself sitting there for at least another 3 hours, enjoying every minute of it. It’s already past 12:00am and I start itching to leave, worried about my sleep and the morning snooze. I finally get up, get in my car again and head home. It’s around 1:30 am as I park the car, exhausted and totally burnt out, my eyes burn, my head is throbbing and my shoulders are completely knotted up.

I get home, go into my bedroom and rip the clothes off my body as I rush to get into the shower. the excitement of putting on my pj’s is overwhelming and I relish every item I put on. Sleep has left me, and I am wide awake again, I go into the tv room, my mom is already fast asleep and so I have time on my own, time to just flip through he tv channels and zone out into a good show or movie. My cats greet me with an amazing amount of love as I take out their brushes and start to groom them while I watch something interesting on tv. Once done, I flop on the couch and get into a state of mind filled with nothing but interest in what I am watching.

Its 2:30 am and finally I am sleepy again, I switch off the tv set, say good night to my cats and head towards my bedroom. I cozy up inside the covers, take out my eye glasses, pick up my book that is perfectly placed on my bedside table, and I start to read. No less than half hour later my book has returned to its designated spot, my glasses are thrown into their box and I am fast asleep, inside my world of dreams and love.

Things are still pending, time has passed me by, and I have gotten only 60% of things done. Time seems to pass me by, life seems to fly by without my being able to catch it. If only I can find Time, if only I can hold it down and tell it to wait…wait for a bit…..wait for me….wait I have so much I have to do, so many things I want to do…..STOP and wait for me.

When does it become unacceptable?

Anger boils over inside of me as Jack asked “Well did he hit you?”

“No” Emily says, surprised that he would even ask that question. Was all what she was saying not enough to walk out on her current relationship? My face was starting to hurt from the frown that had over taken my face for the past half hour, listening to Emily re-tell her story with her husband to Jack as tears rolled down her face. I couldn’t understand why Jack was even asking if her husband was hitting her? What relevance did that have to do with the pain Emily has been suffering for years with this man?

I asked him point blank “What relevance does this have? Is it not enough that He is constantly swearing at her, slamming doors all over the house, being completely impolite to any member of her family or any of her friends that enter her house, he doesn’t give her money to be able to support the house hold requirements and her baby girls requirements yet spends a ton on his friends and his entertainment, he is out partying every single night without her, he doesn’t allow her to go to bars or clubs at night without him even though he does constantly, he has caused his little girl to wake up screaming at night fearing that her father would kill her mother, he sits and does nothing in the house except talk on the phone to his buddies laughing or flipping through tv channels as she keeps running around the house fixing things, he uses his kids for his social outings to be accepted in society, he doesn’t allow her to work so she doesn’t attract the attention of the opposite sex” I take a deep breath in, calm myself down and asked calmly “So answer this Jack, what does it matter, to you, if he hits her or not?” Jack looked at me surprised as though I was asking him a question about giving birth and how he felt during it. I repeated my question to him more aggressively and he finally responded saying “Well since he does not hit her, then they can work things out. hitting her would be unacceptable in every way possible.”

Shocked out of my wits I didn’t know how to answer him back, all that rummaged through my mind was the fact that if a woman ever dared do all that to her husband she would be banished by everyone including her family, they would tell her that it is up to her to make this marriage work. Any man who went to complain about the same things would have given the green light for every human being (male or female) to reprimand the woman until she breaks down in humiliation for her actions. Yet when a woman complains about being mistreated on a daily basis the world tends to stand by his side and ask the woman to accept it as long as she is not being physically abused. She is supposed to take in his infidelity, his rudeness, his verbal condemning ways, his absence physically and financially and only be able to make a valid stand if he went out of his way and hit her.

Strange how this type of injustice is not accepted upon animals and yet upon women it is considered bad, yet not unjust. A woman is put in a position today to accept all that is done to her by a man because he has not physically abused her YET. A woman is expected to be the brains in the family, the glue that holds everything together regardless of what her mental state has become because of all the degrading ways she has been treated.  A woman has to turn a blind eye to her husband having affairs hoping that he will one day come to his senses, but when that day never comes she has to confront him and in return the society gives the excuse of him being a “Man” and men need more than one woman. She is then asked yet again to accept it and be a better wife to her husband cause she was probably the reason he went to another woman for sex. If a woman cheats on her husband she is thrown to the gutters, her kids are taken away from her, her marriage is over, her is shunned out from society with not a single word mentioned that it could have possibly been the husbands fault.

What really gets to me is this, after my talk with Emily and Jack, I found Emily agreeing with Jack, seeing his point of view, assessing the situation and wronging herself the whole time. She provoked his anger, she allowed him to neglect her and stop spending money on her and the family, it was her fault she was too busy taking care of the house and her child and her new pregnancy, of course he would go mad and naturally she thanked God that he never hit her “He is a good man that he never hit me. I would have left for sure.”

And in that ended the whole pain she had been suffering for years with her husband. I later on found out that all her girlfriends gave her a similar advice and sad as it was, women accept this upon themselves. Women will tell women to stick around in a horrible relationship, with a cheating man, with a stingy guy, with a man who has temper management issues and tell the woman it is all in her hands to make this work.

When have we ever become the weaker sex? We are able to give birth, take care of a house, go to work, socialize with the world and sleep for a maximum of six hours a night and still have the ability to do everything and more than any man could even dream of. What happened to reprimanding a man for his misconduct and behavior, who said it was ok? Who said that we were born, as women, to live this way? How come every man gets away with murder and women can’t get away with an extra hour of sleep if needed?

Women know how to build fear in other women, making them accept the unacceptable. Telling them horror stories of what life would look like if she did leave her husband “You will not be able to support yourself, you have not worked for years.” Or “What about the kids? They need a father figure” or “Live with it till your kids are old enough then leave”or “ Who will every marry a woman with children? It is too much baggage. So it is best to stay with the man who helped in procreating them.”

What women don’t understand is this “If women stood up and supported one another and did not accept to be treated in such a disturbing disregard to their humanity then men will have no choice but to stop.” As long as the world accommodates such actions and only the visual physical abuse is the allowed reason to leave a man, women will always be where they are today, and they will keep procreating more men that abuse their women, cause women don’t know how to stand up for their human rights.

If every woman keeps accepting this as a way of life, and if women will always advise women to be the abused member of the family then things will never change and women will always be spat on. Her kids will also treat her with disrespect the way their father had, and they will repeat the same pattern onto their wives in the future and every woman will again tell that woman in pain “It is ok, it is all in your hands, you’re the smarter one. Men are like children let him do his thing, and you stay the good wife, he will come around. As long as he didn’t hit you then you can fix it.”

Emilie’s story is one of the many stories I have came across in all these years of watching and listening to couples. With such sadness I have to say that I might have met one in every 30 marriages where there is a balanced relationship between man and woman. What women don’t understand is this: they are telling their daughters that it is ok to be treated this way and they are telling their sons it is ok to treat a woman this way. They think they are making life better for their children when in reality they are allowing the same patterns to continue to evolve and have no regard to how their daughters will be treated in the future or how their sons will treat women.

Trust in Alex – Part 4

Life continues in the same way it always had, work, home, an outing and home again. In between all of that I took a break from meeting men or even dating anyone, I had no will power to sit and decode what a man was all about and was not ready to face the disappointments I was sure I was bound to find.

A few months after my revelation and some random polite coffee drinks with Alex at work, I resolved to forgetting all I heard from Alex that dreadful day and move on with life. We start to talk as friends again but this time around I had no misconception of who he really was and his complaints about his wife were starting to show more than before. I listened to him when he needed to talk but I had zero sympathy inside me towards him, I just listened and would throw a comment here and there which I think he chose to ignore. I started to stare at all men in a different way, expecting each and every one of them to be a cheating bastard too. My friends noticed my aggression towards men in those few months and resolved to talking to me about it, I told them the story and in return they told me that not all men are like that. Since I wanted and needed hope in believing in men again I chose to believe them therefore making it easier for me to be-friend guys again without the skepticism I had grown accustomed to.

In the mean time when Alex would join me for a cup of coffee at work we kept the conversations light hearted, all jokes and laughter and in time I lost my anger towards him but not my disappointment in him. Then one day as we were sucking the living lights out of our cigarettes he tell me “Did you know that my wife was very skeptical of you and was wondering who you were? That is why I made us all meet for coffee I wanted her to see that you were really only a friend and there was no threat.” I looked at him then and I took another long drag from my cigarette, puffed it out and said “So why didn’t you tell me that before? I would hate for any woman to feel threatened by me over her man, I would have put in a larger effort to continue calling her and comforting her.” I was agitated by what I just heard and it showed on my tone of voice.

“I didn’t want you to feel strange, my wife is a jealous person, that is all.” He said casually making it seem like its not a big deal. So I asked “You told me that she trusts you and that she knows you have a ton of girlfriends and she liked me.” I paused then continued “So did she know I went out for lunch with you and your secret sex buddy that day? Or did she not know?” I was starting to get worried, I didn’t want to be a part of any of his lies and if that were the case I would make sure never to talk to him again, this was definitely not a place I ever wanted to put myself in.

“She didn’t know about Sue, but she knew you were joining us on our outing, but to be honest she was not to happy with it and she started to ask me questions about our relationship with one another. Don’t worry I told her we were friends at work and you wanted to meet new people, and she was fine with it after that.”

Oh God the whole time I had that gut feeling telling me not to go was right all along, I shouldn’t have and I knew better than to go. I could not believe that she felt threatened by me in any way and actually questioned why I was going out with her husband. This was getting ugly in my head, but I was the one to blame, I actually went out to that lunch and ever since then I was unable to call Julie knowing that I know a secret about her husband that she didn’t know would have been murder to deal with. I swore to never go out with her husband unless she was around or I had a boyfriend that I would tag along, not that I ever really wanted to go out again with her husband and his friends. I not one to observe cheaters and maintain staying in the same vicinity as them.

So at that point I knew a secret I could not tell and I was never gonna be able to site with Julie knowing what her marriage state was really like. So I never called her again or even tried, I stayed away in fear of what I would say in her presence that would destroy her imaginary lovely marriage. The days continued and life went on, Alex was not constantly over at our site office but other friends were there and so my mind would enjoy the different topics I would hold with other people away from the trauma I had experienced with Alex’s choice of life style.

Eleven months passed since the first time I ever met Alex and I had not gone out with him or his friends ever again since my last experience. But we had a good friendship at work and he truly was a very funny person to hang out with. Until one day he asked me how my love life was like and I told him that there was nothing to it, a few dates here and there but nothing more than a few drinks and dinner and then I would lose interest through utmost bordom with the guy. I confessed to him that after I knew his story and his ways with his wife it was very hard to trust a man ever again. In the same breath I explained to him my soul mate theory and told him that I truly believe there is this one perfect man out there for me who will be my right fit and with full assurance told him that he would never cheat on me. We would be friends and partners, we would be able to talk about everything and anything, that there would be romance on beaches and loyalty towards one another without a doubt in out minds or hearts. I explained all the dreams i held on to the romantic images i believed in and most of all i persisted on mentioning loyalty as a fact that i could not live without. Lo and behold, that last straw of hope I ever had came crashing down upon me like a sledge hammer banging its self upon my head until I was left with nothing but a few strands of hair left on my bleeding skull as Alex started to talk.

I wish I had never answered his question that God forsaken day, I wish I just ignored it and said the typical response “I am not ready for a relationship. Men suck” it would have been simpler and would have ended that whole entire subject. Obviously I have not mastered the ability to turn back time and therefore I was stuck in the here and now and the mistake of actually answering that question using my honest opinion.

Alex sat across from me with his arms folded and his ankles crossed as he so effortlessly said “There is no such thing as a man who doesn’t cheat” my mind begged me to ignore his comment but my uncontrolled love of questioning things took over and my tongue formed the words “What is wrong with you? Of course there is, I have seen it so many times and I have so many friends married to wonderful men who would never cheat on their wives.”  I fixed up my slouched position as I went into attack mode “If you’re a cheater that does not mean that all men cheat, it is not about following your dick everywhere you go, there are repercussions for that type of behavior you know. Karma is a bitch, one day you will find out your wife is cheating on you or your future daughter is being cheated on. How would that make you feel?” in one breath I continued to say “So not all men cheat, there are men who fear karma.” I lean my back on the chair again feeling fulfilled with my response expecting it to end there.

Naturally it didn’t, and I should have know better than to argue with Alex about something he finds utterly normal. He argued his point with a soft spoken attitude, still maintaining his body posture showing no signs of anger or irritability. “You know, your right, there are only 0.1% of men who don’t cheat and they are the men who are grateful that they had just one woman accept to marry them or come near them. So if you want a man to be loyal I suggest you go for the losers who have never been able to score with a single women their whole lives, and they will never be able to score with a woman other than their wives.” I brushed him off with a stroke of my hand in the air recognizing the discreet complement he was giving himself and kept my mouth shut. I stared off into the  distant  and thought to myself “Well, I want a loser then.”

In noticing that I had started to lose interest in his theoretical facts Alex unfolded his arms, pushed himself further up on his chair, leaned his back forward, rested his arms on his thighs and began his determination in bursting my well fabricated soul-mate bubble.

“So you believe that all your friends husbands have been faithful or will never cheat on them?” He asks, I nod my head in agreement with a fact I believe in. At this point I am sitting with my arms crossed over my chest, my legs stretched out in front of me as they leaned on one another at the ankles. Obviously uninterested in what he had to say I avoided giving the conversation any more of my time. Alex would simply not give up “So how are you sure they never cheated? Are you with them every minute of the day?” he asks me, provoking an answer from me and I simply tell him not all men possess animal instincts and it seems that I have more faith in humanity of males than he does. “Aha….well that is human, men have urges they can’t control, sex and love are two different things all together. Each one holds no association to the other. But believe me when I tell you that there is not a single man in the world who is not cheating on his wife. Especially the religious ones who have brainwashed people to believe it is a sin. In specific the Muslims they cheat all the time, but they have called it marriage today allowing for a maximum of four wives per-person making it legal and acceptable.” Upon hearing him out and noticing how smug he was getting I maintained my calm and told him it is obvious he is surrounded by idiots who think screwing around makes them manly men and he has found ways to make his excursions seem a daily norm. Now Alex is lifting an eyebrow at me and doing his little side ways smile allowing for cute dimples to show their way through his words “Remember the guy that was with me the day you met sue with me for lunch?” I nod take a side glance at him and resort back to staring at nothing. “Well he is married and loves his wife to death, but he cheats on her, or actually was excited that night to go out knowing his wife is not around to meet women. Why would he want to meet women if not to get that manly man feeling he needs as all men need. Do you think he will not cheat? He is so excited to be in Dubai where the women are so easy to have a one night stand with the last thing on his mind is NOT to cheat.” Feeling like he made his point loud and clear Alex leaned back on his chair, I maintained my aloofness while burning inside to punch the hell out of him for making all men seem like horny dogs.

Alex continued his path of destruction knowing that it was starting to get to me and his stories started to pour out the minute I decided to say “ Well with my man that wont happen, we will be with one another most of the time and if not then we are both at work, when will he ever find the time to sleep with someone else?”

Mistake…mistake….mistake…MISTAKE. Why did I not keep my mouth shut oh GOD WHY?

To be continued…….

Trust in Alex-Part 1

Part 1

I sat on one of the plastic chairs I had purchased a few days ago for the huge terrace of my work place. There were a lot of smokers at work with me and we met up on our breaks to have a cigarette and coffee, the only problem was that there was nowhere to sit and the area started to look dirty and disheveled. SO after two months of having no other means of enjoying my cigarette break I decided to go down to one of the stores and purchase an outdoor plastic seating set. Everyone at work was pleased with this except for the higher management whom were worried that this comfort will cause more people to chill out than be behind their desks working. Regardless of their concerns I continued to enjoy every break I had, and in time as the weather got better I would pick up all the documents I had to read and sign out into the terrace making it my second office space.

                On one of those many days in which I was sitting out in the terrace conversing with a few of my colleagues while enjoying the soft breeze with a coffee mug in one hand and cigarette in the other I met this guy. He introduced himself to the whole group “Hi my name is Alex” he said as he extended his arm to shake everyone’s hands. In no time we were all laughing and joking and our ten minute break turned into a half an hour of nothing but laughter. Alex was a grand addition to the group, he was handsome, tall a full set of jet black hair with the cutest of dimples that appear at the side of his lips when he smiles. At first glance I thought to myself “what a handsome, charismatic man” at the second glance I noticed a wedding band on his left hand and thought to myself “What a shame, all the good men are taken. His wife is very lucky to have such a handsome, funny, grounded man in her life”.

                As the days passed I asked the most natural question that always comes to me without even thinking “So Alex, tell me your love story, how did you and your wife meet”. I heard him speak of the woman he chose to marry and his love for her. How there is no one else in the world that fits him as well as she does. How all his previous relationships were never gonna lead him to commit the way he committed to his wife. She was fun, loving and beautiful and they understood one another so easily that they were bound to end up spending the rest of their lives together. I learnt that she was pregnant at the time and he was over joeys with the new addition to his life. He expressed how he loved spending time with his wife, how she made things a lot more fun when they went out together. They traveled to various countries always with an adventure in mind that they always agreed upon.

                I sat and listened to all this with a large admiration for this young man. Not only was he good at his job, well travelled, funny and great looking, he was also an amazing husband and obviously gonna be a great father. So naturally I put him up on a pedestal in my mind and reflected on his type of relationship hoping that one day I will find a partner that will love me as much as he loves his wife. We became friends immediately, I loved hearing his stories of him and his wife, the romance, the devotion everything was perfect and most importantly I held great respect for him.

                Once his wife gave birth, the stories of his fatherhood became even more profound; he spent his nights awake with his child as his wife suffered a depression. He took care of his newly born son like no father I knew would. His wife was getting the baby blues and was not going out as often, she was not ready to have a child and they got pregnant by accident making it really hard on her to accept being so tied down and exhausted all the time. He supported her emotionally and physically. He loved her so much that he tried to figure out ways to ease her pain by bringing in to town a member of her family to take care of her in his absence while he was at work. I used Alex as a great example to all women who were married to horrible men, making them see how it is possible for a man to really care for the woman he loves.

                Months later Alex wanted me to meet his wife especially that he thought we would get along . Since I was always interested to meet this lovely woman and see the interactions between him and his wife through my eyes I accepted the invitation with open arms. I was excited to meet her and meet his son, so the day arrived for our long awaited lunch outing together. Lucky for me the lunch was gonna be in the promenade right under my house which consisted of a variety of restaurants and coffee shops. As we all got introduced to one another I focused all my attention on his wife Julie who cradled their son in her arms with such tender love. She had a pair of sunglasses on which she never removed making it harder for me to really see into her soul, and so I settled into watching her body movements to figure out if Alex was true in his care for his wife.

                She was interesting to talk to but I felt that there was a huge field of sad energy around her and I related it to the fact that she was still under the depression that came along with giving birth. Alex on the other hand was very hands on, he carried his son, fed him his milk and tenderly caressed his wife to make her feel loved and cherished. I made a mental note of all the things I saw that I liked for later reference to the list of things I desire in my future spouse. It was a lovely afternoon but I had to leave after two hours to meet up with a bunch of other friends that I had also planned to meet for a coffee further down the promenade. We bid farewell after exchanging phone numbers and I left feeling elated and content with what I saw iwth a slight sadness over her obvious depression.

After a few days of our encounter I tried to call Julie but she never picked up the phone, seeing that me and Alex worked in the same office space I went to his desk and asked him if his wife was ok. I related to him that I really liked her and that I wanted to call her up and see if we could meet up separately outside of him. He then confessed that she went to the states with their son to recuperate and get away from the depression she was facing at being a single mom with no help available for her. He confessed that he tried his utmost best and was sad that she had to leave but as long as this would make her happier in the long run he would be able to survive without her for the next few weeks. I felt nothing but sadness for him, he seemed to be disarrayed without them around. I was told Julie really liked me and was looking forward for us to do something together upon her return from the states. So in my world everything was fine, this was a typical love story between soul mates that allowed me to have a stronger belief in my soul mate quest.

To be continued……

The Ultimate Appreciation needed

“Do you know? A human body can bear only up to 45 Del (unit) of pain. But at the time of giving birth, a woman feels up to 57 Del of Pain. This is similar to 20 bones getting fractured at a time!!!! God couldn’t be everywhere and therefore he made Mothers… THE MOST BEAUTIFUL PERSON ON THIS EARTH… OUR BEST CRITIC …” written by http://www.funzug.com/index.php/paintings/some-paintings-for-my-mom.html

How many times does a man walk into the house after a long days work, plops himself on the couch, grabs the remote control and starts flipping through the tv channels so that he can disconnect from his very hard day at work?

How many times does a woman stop caring for her children after working hours are done, plop herself on the couch, grabs the remote control and starts flipping through the TV channels so that she can disconnect from her very hard day at work?

A man’s work starts from 8:00am until 6:00pm (sometimes later depending on the job at hand).

A woman’s work starts from 6:30am until 10:00pm (most times later depending if her child is sick or an infant who needs to be fed constantly in the middle of the night)

A man has weekends where he can take a rest, sleep in if needed, go meet his friends, play a sport or just lounge around the house to give him enough energy to start the week of stressful work.

A woman has no weekends to call her own, she wakes up at the same hour to take care of the kids, she has more work on the weekend since the children will all be at home all day. She thinks of things to entertain them with, activities to occupy their time, she feeds them, cleans them, plays with them,  and then tried to keep the husband entertained on his very special weekend.

The most devastating part in all this is the lack of appreciation that is given to women who decided with their partners to become parents. Their job is looked down upon as if it is not as worthy as a job taken outside of the home. She works from the minute she opens her eyes until she goes to sleep, most times there is no sleep to look forward to if her child is ill or teething or still feeding.  Her days are filled with trying her new adapted psychology methods to bring up the best human she can. She spends her days running around providing for the entire household a comfortable, easy, clean environment while still trying to find time to take a shower, make a phone call, eat her lunch and even use the bathroom. 

A man assumes that when his wife has a maid that her life is simple and easy, well I think women then should assume the same if their husbands have a secretary or a whole staff working under him.

I am a working woman, and I don’t have children but I do have friends and family members who have chosen there career path to be motherhood.  I am at work from 8:30am and by 5:00pm I am exhausted and drained, but I know that I can go home, spend time silently in front of the tv with no one to take care of. I can go see my friends, watch a movie, take a long bath and go to the salon to pamper myself whenever I want to. If I have a business dinner to go to, then I get dressed, and look forward to a night filled with laughter and jokes to ease the work environment. I do get stressed at work a lot, I do have things that get on my nerves and people I want to kill, I have an abundance of deadlines to meet and a bunch of politics to deal with but at the end of the day I have my weekends and I have my weekday night times to do with as I wish. At the end of every month I get paid for all my efforts at work.

In the case of mothers, they don’t have any of the luxuries that I have or the man has. Their selfless attitudes make them happy knowing that their children are well and loved, they get no money for their efforts, they get no appraisals from their husbands for the great job they are doing, they only get tears from their children, irritation from their husbands and bad mouthing from their help. To top it off, a husband will still complain about her inability to go out at night when he wants to; he finds it irrational that she may be exhausted cause she has not slept for a week more than five hours. He gets a tantrum when he can’t find his shirts or socks blaming her for not caring for those things since she has nothing better to do cause she just sits at home all day while he works to provide them financially. He starts to look at other women when his wife is at her worst. After carrying his child for nine months then being unable to sleep for three months after that, she starts to look exhausted, her inability to dress the way she used to starts to turn him off, and he starts to nag her to provide him with a smile that she is unable to provide because of her exhaustion. Her breasts are sore, her body is huge, her private area hurts, her eyes have dark circles underneath them, her baby doesn’t sleep and her husband still expects to have her sexually.

For all the women who also work and take care of their children and husbands I give you the greatest appraisal for your superwoman like tendencies. Also to the women who have more than one children yet still maintain their jobs and their homes I praise your courage even more.

So to every man out there, take a good look at the woman you have chosen to marry and have chosen to start a family with, she is a miracle worker and you must know that if you were in her shoes you would have never been able to do what she does. Forget about the stresses of work for they are nothing in comparison to the stresses of making a good human being. Let go of the remote control and spend time helping around the house, the decision of making a family is not the woman’s to carry alone. Take over the children for a few days in the evenings, give your wife the time to shower the way she used to, go see her friends the way she used to, sit and read her book or watch a movie the way she used to. Give her a few hours on the weekend to look forward to by taking charge of the house and the children.  Wake up at night to take care of a crying baby, or a sick child and give her those extra hours to sleep to be able to maintain an anger free day. Request things from the help instead of requesting from her to request it from the help, give her those few minutes to follow her own commands.

If all this is hard for you to do, then simply give her the time and space to do as she wishes with her time, give her the freedom to say no to the ongoing outings you want to go to. Tell her how much you appreciate her great efforts in taking care of your kids while you’re out at work. Show her gratitude for not quitting on you since her job is a thousand times more time and self consuming than yours is. Provide her with the money she would have earned if she were working for a company the way you are, but instead she has chosen to take care of the family you both decided to have.  Provide her sexually the way she wants it to be not the way you are expecting it to be. Cuddle her when she needs it, give her space when she asks for it. Be present as a positive aspect in her life, not the negative aspect she dreads seeing every evening knowing that you will be coming back home with a whole list of demands as you sit with your feet up flipping through the TV channel.

To all you amazing women, I send you my grandest of applause for the amazing jobs you are doing and the decision in becoming a mother and a wife.

My ruling planet is Guilt

I have eight hours left to go to the airport and I have a million and one things to finish off before I travel. My body is on an adrenalin rush needing to finish off all the pending issues that I have all over my desk at work. Naturally the time I need with the paper work load is not enough with all the people walking in and out of my office requiring an immediate approval or problem solving issue to be handled on the spot. The coffee has gotten cold, I had merely taken a sip or two three hours ago, and this realization had come into it’s full fruition when I tried to take a sip of it as I typed away at my keyboard. I have phosteds all over my computer screen reminding me of all the things I have yet to do and I start to panic. I need to be out of here in six hours, I have not packed my suitcase yet, I have a guy coming over to my apartment to fix a leakage in the bathroom, I have to rush to the bank to deposit a check that has been laying on my coffee table for the last two weeks and I have to buy my mom her long awaited for scented candles to take with me. I have to buy a toys for my nieces and nephews and I promised my brother to get him Dexter season 3, which requires me to call the Chinese DVD guy to come to my house for me to purchase them from him. Can I fit all this in six hours? Only if I plan things correctly and efficiently will I be able to do all this and still have time to take a quick shower.

My phone rings, and it’s a friend from out of town, she heard I was coming and decided to request something of me, knowing that I only have five hours left for my flight. The request is simple, but the time I have left is not, I can’t afford to do it for her, it is completely out of the question and out of my way. I listen attentively to her deep need for this camera that she is hoping I find in Dubai, my hands are starting to sweat, my body is starting to tense up as I add a new errand to my list of things to do four hours before I have to head off to the airport. I am unable to say “no” to her, although I expressed the deep stress I am under and the lack of time I have, I am still unable to simply say “no, I am sorry, but I really can’t, I have no time at all.” I cancel out on taking my shower and I decide to go to the bank to deposit my check once I get back. I have dodged the important things that I had to do for myself and prioritized others, not so urgent, requests of me and my time.

Yes, I do confess that I am a Sagittarius with my ruling planet being Guilt. According to the Wikipedia the word guilt in psychology, as well as in ordinary language is:

1-      Guilt is an affective state in which one experiences conflict at having done something that one believes one should not have done or conversely, having not done something one believes one should have done.

2-      Guilt is a cognitive or an emotional experience that occurs when a person realizes or believes—accurately or not—that he or she has violated a moral standard, and bears significant responsibility for that violation.

3-      The state of having committed an offense

In knowing the precise definition of my ruling planet, I am yet to figure out how I could have possibly acquired, by my own will, the feeling that I have “violated a moral standard” or “committed an offense”. When did I turn around and make the guilt of saying “no, I can’t” be associated with committing an offense?? Should it not be the other way around? In which the other party, requesting the unreasonable, feels the guilt for inconveniencing my time?

I felt guilty because my friend sounded desperate, yet the object of desperation held no immediate need to be purchased. Unlike the desperate importance of having to purchase a medication for a very ill person where I was the only one able to find it in the country I resided in. And yet, with all the knowledge that I have about my guilt, I am still unable to put my needs and wants first, the ability of not fulfilling someone else’s whims are lost to me. In doing, so I have procrastinated a thousand things that I could have done for myself when I needed it to be done.

There are times where I just want to sit at home and contemplate a thought, paint a canvas, read a new book, listen to music, search the web or start writing the first chapter of my book. In all these cases I am filtered with guilt at the thought that I may prefer doing all those things instead of going out to dinner with a friend cause she is in the mood to be out, or purchase an item at the mall for someone that has no time to do it themselves, or make a few phone calls on behalf of someone else cause they lack the ability to make that call themselves. It has even reached the extent of changing my own holiday plans to a destination I don’t want to be in just to please someone else’s constant need for my presence in a constant cycle of futile problems. You would think my guilt arose out of a true reason to feel guilt, like tripping someone as they walk, putting gum in your sisters hair, putting your bill on the table sitting next to you, crashing your friends car the list can go on…but not for putting your needs first.

Guilt for nothing is useless, it eats up a lot of time and effort that could be put into something more fruitful and beneficial to a long term plan you have made for yourself. Guilt is like large ditch on the road, slowing down the natural speed of the vehicle that is meant to take you from point A to point B. it makes you detour from your own organized path to fulfill someone else’s path as they continue driving from their point A to their point B with no ditches to procrastinate their reaching point B and moving on to point C with ease.

It’s a work in progress to be able to incorporate the word “No” into my dictionary, for hopes of finally being able to reach my point B and start planning for my point C.

To plan or not to plan…that is the question?

Every time I get sucked into believing that my life is all dependants on my own choices, I am struck by an incident that proves me wrong. I sit and stress about things in life, I make up lists of pro’s and con’s. I contemplate all the things that I should and should not do, as my brain runs a thousand miles an hour trying to figure out what the best solution is to the matter at hand. I have developed an anxiety attack caused by all the weight I carry upon myself, thinking and believing that I am the sole controller of my destiny.

 

Should I ask for a salary raise or should I not? The economy is really bad, but what I do is worth a lot more than what I am getting, therefore I should change jobs to find another company that can appreciate my value in the market, but the market is down and hardly anyone is hiring anymore………on and on it goes…….

Should I change my apartment or stay in it? I love my apartment it provides me with the utmost comfort to me, I have a view to die for and the perfect layout. But the maintenance is super bad; I wait for two months for the building to provide someone to help with my leaking ceiling. Well I fixed the ceiling, that problem is solved, still what if something else goes wrong? I gotta wait another two months to get it fixed? The apartments all over the place are going down 30% in their rent, they won’t lower the rent of my apartment, I should check out all the other apartments. All the other apartments don’t have the view I have or the perfect layout out I have. So I guess I won’t leave my apartment….but what about the empower bills that come with this type of apartment, it’s too much…..i guess I will go again and look around at different apartments that are less expensive in their electricity, A/C etc……but I love my apartment……….on and on it goes……

Should I move countries or stay here for a few more years? I love having my sister five minutes away, I can’t live without my niece and nephew….i miss the green trees and how they fall to the ground once autumn comes in to view allowing the streets to be covered with a multitude of colors. I miss the abundance of streets that I can walk on going from one shop to the next then sitting on a coffee shop watching people pass by….but I live in a place where I have access on a daily basis to sit and watch passersby with an abundance of coffee shops and a view of the sea………I miss being able to walk all over the town without needing to use a car….but can I find a job in this bad economy? I will definitely miss my sister and her kids…..but they can come visit me anytime they want… they have schools and it won’t be that often, not as often as I can see them while living just five minutes away……..on an on it goes…..

Should I take continue in this relationship or should I not? He is a lovely guy attentive, kind, loving and sweet….i am not ready to be with anyone I need to figure out if I want to live here, if I want to change jobs, if I want to move apartments. I really like how different he is than what I had met lately….ah, but there is always a down fall with men…..but so far he has been lovely….yeah but I thought the same think about my ex husband……this time I will pay more attention to things and not let anything pass….so pro’s and con’s list comes out…..he likes a type of music I hate….my ex husband liked a type of music I hated and I never paid attention to it before and he would play it really loud if I was trapped with him in a car just to piss me off…..so I guess I gotta keep dating this guy from a distance, he may use his music against me someday….oh that is such a silly thought, he is so nice……but men are all nice till they get the girl to fall for them…ok I will back out now and watch my step….i am not ready to be with anyone at all….oh how sweet he called just to check up if I was feeling better after the meeting I was dreading, he actually paid attention…….oh yeah they all do at first to get you to believe they are attentive when they really aren’t….ok, gonna take this even slower…actually gonna not see him ever again………on and on it goes……

 

Should I travel on eid or should I stay in town? Gonna make sure to travel since I have a governmental vacation coming and I should use it as an opportunity since I have no more free vacations left….crap the vacation comes in the middle of the week and I cant use the weekends to combined them and get a good week off……oh but it’s a vacation and I gotta leave town I love to travel what if I regretted it later on? Ok I can do Athens for those three days……no no no, I think I should go see my family in cairo since I miss them…hmmmm…..no I cant do family this soon I just did that and need to see Europe and smell the clean crisp air and walk down the streets and get my fill of how my heart would love to be doing……I should just stay here and work on my paintings, and all the hobbies I have no time for….no way will I do that….i think I might to Italy with my dad to the detox spa…..i need to change my eating habits and that is a good way to start….but then I need more than three days….oh and work will have a fit about that…..who cares they are not paying enough and I work like a dog…..but I can’t afford leaving so soon….i guess I will just do Athens…actually just spend some days off here….no…I think my health is very important and I will go to Italy to the detox spa…..on and on it goes

In all the scenarios above, I thought that everything was up to me to decide and to take the right action towards. I believed that I was the sole owner of my choice and the burden was huge to carry on my own. Two days ago I was given a reminder of the glory of God and that I am being taken care of and that whatever and however much I plan to do something, the only thing that will really happen is what is gonna happen no matter how much I sit and calculate it in my head. It was in the little daily things that I was shown this, and this made me realize that if I had no control over the little things in my life, how could I possibly have any control over the larger matters in my life?

I wake up on my weekend and get on the phone with a friend; we plan our day minute by minute. We will first go have a brunch at 12pm and at around 2pm we will part to run our separate errands, then at 3:30 we will meet up and go spend a few hours by the beach. My friend comes to my garage as I am getting off the phone with my sister who was having a major issue with her maid. Her husband was not in town and so she needed me there with her, she also needed a male around incase there might be any strange encounters that required a guy around. Luckily my friend was already down in his car and all the days plans never happened, the whole day was spent working out my sisters issue with the maid.

I hear of this great place to go get a massage in, I call all day to take an appointment with them and finally I do. As I head there all excited to get the best massage ever I get a phone call from them telling me that they have an inspection within the hours I am heading there and they need to reschedule. I get so disappointed and start to find days on my calendar that I am free in. I lose hope and tell them I will call them back later when I am not driving the car. As I drive down the parallel street and take a look to my right I notice an art store that supplies the canvases I have been searching for, for the last 3 months. My joy is multiplied by three as I find the closest parking spot and skip out of my car forgetting the earlier ordeal. The same money I was gonna spend in the spa I spent on the canvases I had been searching for.

Me and my friends plan a few days ahead of time to go watch “eat, pray, love” as the excitement builds up and the days get closer to the designated day. Two hours before the movie, one friend sends a message saying her daughter has a fever of 39.2 and it wont go down, so she cant go to the movies. A few minutes later two more friends call to cancel out on the movie, one having her husband have an emergency dinner meeting that she has to go with him too and the other one has got a stomach flew and is spending her evening in the bathroom. The night ended up with only me and another girl who could make the movie. We decided to leave “eat, pray, love” for another day when everyone was able to make it and decided to watch “You again”, a light hearted comedy that would start in less than twenty minutes. We both rushed down to get there on time. We find out that the timings we found on the internet were wrong and the movie still had an hour before it starts. We then decide to change the movie and watch something else, and “eat, pray, love” was screaming at us both. We both look at one another and on the spot decide to watch “You again” and enjoy the mall for an hour. My friend finds a pair of swimming suits that were 50% discounted, we go sit in a coffee shop, as we spend a wonderful hour together, as we made up for lost times. The movie turned out to be the best thing we did, and it was even better that the rest of our friends cancelled out since we both noticed that we had been wanting to spend quality time together for a long, long while and never found the chance to do it.

When those little things happen in life, it gives me the knowledge that I really have no control over things in my life, cause what will happen will always end up happening no matter how much I thoughts and plans I put into it, or how little I put into it. The best thing will always come my way, even if I thought that I planned for my best thing and I am utterly disappointed that what I thought is best for me never happened.

So today…or at least for the next week, I will remember all the things in my life that took place regardless of how much time and energy I spent planning for them. I will remember that I am allowed to think of things, and try and figure out the best strategy for me, but I will always remember that there is no need for me to stress over it, cause it is really all destiny after all.

 

“Walk Out” it whispered

“Walk out” my own internal voice whispers to me in a rushed manner. “Walk out” it says again this time with a tone of panic growing inside of me. “Walk out … Walk out …. Walk out …” it would simply not give up. The interesting part about the internal voice is its amazing ability in maintaining the same level of its opening whisper like tone. My inability to do as it was asking me to do was causing a whole battle to take place within my mind, and the strain showed on my face. I wanted to get out I wanted to just leave but my respectful attitude kept me sitting there listening to the humorous words that were coming out of the mouth of my boss.

I have had numerous encounters with his deceitful ways, and I was sick of clearing up the mess he creates around me. As I sit there watching his lips move in praise of my work and who I am, all I can see are all the different ways he had tried his best to shove me under a carpet and stomp me out of the way. All his failed attempts at pushing me under the bus while he smiles in my face were rushing in the speed of light right before my eyes. I smiled, unable to be angry anymore, listening to all his promises of promoting me and giving me a raise. All the constant praises and lies that I had gotten so numb to in the last year, ever since he joined the company I worked for my, life has been a battle in keeingp my ground.

He looks at me, oblivious to the disappointment I am going through inside, and decides to change topics, it is time for him to gossip about everyone in the company and I am sitting there unable to WALK OUT. I keep a smile on my face as I pray that one of my colleagues will walk in with a work problem that they might need to solve so I can slide out of my office. As he starts his usual condemning way of laying down the dirty truth about others and disfiguring their image in front of me, I wonder how much of the same horrible things he had said about me in the past? I have learnt really well not to trust people who speak badly about someone behind their backs yet smile sweetly to their face in their presence. I had learnt it the hard way (story of “Shocking Truth”) yet today I thank God for that experience for I would have never seen all the sly ways of my boss and been able to clear them up if it weren’t for my first encounter with this type of personality.

Again the voice starts to push its way into the forefront of my thoughts “Walk out” then it repeats its self adding one extra word “JUST Walk Out”. The feeling was over powering, my mind was on full drive, my posture was takking the state of someone about to get off the chair, yet I still did not leave for guilt of embarrassing him by being rude.

I realized that he was oblivious to my well being as I was very attentive to his feelings. There was a time when I had confronted him with all his sneaky ways, I had exploded to all the concerned parties and clarified all the truths with not a single fear of the consequences. In doing so it all stopped for a month, only to return in the same mannerism with a lot more discretion from his end. I fought the little traps that were set up for me, I accepted his apologies and went back to believing it would stop and the work environment can be a peaceful place to work in. I tried my best to keep up the notion of group work, and a happy attitude to bring lightness to the taunting smiles that came my way. I was losing my will to fight; I was losing the ability to keep all my radars up 24 hours a day. I was tired, I was exhausted and all I could hear is the one true voice yelling in my head, still in a whispering tone “JUST Walk Out”.

I took a deep look at myself that day, I wondered why I was being so polite to his presence, not wanting to be rude and walk out in the middle of his conversation? Especially knowing that this was another one of his many attempts in making me believe that he is watching out for me; when the truth of the matter was actually clarified to me an hour prior to him walking into my office.

As i was about to get up and take that drastic stance my phone rang. I picked it up with urgency, complete delight that i could still maintain my polite exit without having to contribute to another confrontation that i had no energy for any more. He stared at me for a few seconds, trying to assess how long my phone call might last, then he gave up and walked out of my office towards the domain of his own office space, giving me the freedom to contemplate my upcoming move in self defence.